I Can't Trust My Husband

[mdmc]

Just my opinion. A married man (or woman) has no business calling, texting, e-mailing, or going to lunch alone with any one other than their spouse. Just not a good idea.

[turboflgrl]

Originally Posted by mdmc

Just my opinion. A married man (or woman) has no business calling, texting, e-mailing, or going to lunch alone with any one other than their spouse. Just not a good idea.

Well then count me in for being a horrible girlfriend!! lol I had lunch with my boyfriend's good friend - by ourselves.

No offense, I realize this is your opinion, but that kind of mentality seems very insecure... don't you think?

[juneping]

i think just bc two ppl are dating doesn't mean they loss their independent social lives....as long as it's out in the open...they can hang out with their friends. as long as it's done in a reasonable manner.
bf is very good about telling me where/who he's meeting...and i don't b/c i am not used to telling ppl about my whereabouts. sometimes he would ask me "when are you gonna tell me?".....

[alliemia]

Originally Posted by juneping

i think just bc two ppl are dating doesn't mean they loss their independent social lives....as long as it's out in the open...they can hang out with their friends. as long as it's done in a reasonable manner. bf is very good about telling me where/who he's meeting...and i don't b/c i am not used to telling ppl about my whereabouts. sometimes he would ask me "when are you gonna tell me?".....

i agree. my husband and i have opposite sex friends, and no issues.

[mdmc]

Not at all. Way to many divorces and much infidelity, because something just happened. Most people don't plan to cheat. Don't put yourself in a position where something can just happen. Why do you need to speak, see or text someone of the opposite sex privately any way?

[Decophile]

Relationships vary. The boundaries of a relationship are defined by the couple. There are tons of perfectly healthy and successful couples where private contact and friendships with the opposite sex are normal and allowed. There are also tons of perfectly healthy and successful couples that do not tolerate private contact and friendships with the opposite sex. No matter how you dice and slice and spin it, the fact remains that affairs and infidelity happen all the time and wreck marriages and lives. And guess where these affairs originate? They originate in what started as a friendship. Affairs don't happen because two completely innocent strangers by accidental happenstance collided into each other in bed. They happen because the seeds of attraction and a separate "us" were sown first in private interactions that no one thought was cause for alarm or suspicion.

This is not to say that all private interactions with the opposite sex lead to infidelity. Many are and forever remain innocent. But it would be unwise to deny that a great majority of infidelities originate in what first appeared to be an innocent friendship. Even if 90% of outside friendships never result in betrayal or infidelity, wouldn't it make you pause if you also knew that 90% of affairs that do happen start in an outside friendship? It's like playing a game of Russian Roullette. With one bullet in a 7 bullet chamber, likelihood of getting yourself shot is a measely 14%. But damn, the damage resulting from that one bullet is so fatal and final. Some people simply choose to forgo private relationships with the opposite sex (the 6 empty & harmless chambers) because they don't want to pay the price for inadvertently landing on the bulletted chamber.

Couples that decide not to tolerate private friendships with the opposite sex have made a determination that it is best, for the sake of preserving their bond over the long haul, to avoid outside relationships and circumstances that can lead to temptation, to forsake even the opportunity for infidelity and arousing suspicion. mdmc's views are not based in insecurity, but on her perception of human nature, and a recognition that long term relationship evolve and it takes hard work to stay together. Why make it harder by allowing diversions? Her preference is to not even go there. It's a sacrifice worth making for her. Can't say that I disagree with her, although I still prefer to have interactions with the opposite sex. But I also recognize that many of my male friends would in a heartbeat jump my bones if they could. They don't plan to, but as mdmc said, these things are rarely planned.

[BagLadie]

Whatever you can't tell your significant other, is wrong. Whatever you have to lie about or delete, is wrong. I am all for a husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex - but if it has to be hidden - then that's a red flag to me. Get to the bottom of this. You're making all this too easy for him.

[Touch]

maybe it's just me, but the closest personal female friend my husband should have is me. Anything else is just a recipe for needless suspicion and hurt. A boyfriend can have lots of female friends and vice versa but marraige is a whole other level of commitment. If one spouse is so keen on seeing this person, he/she should be a mutual friend of BOTH of you. We are a package deal as hubby would say

Also wheen my male friends get married, I make it a point not to contact them as frequently, lest the wife get the wrong idea. If they initiate the contact.. GREAT. If not, i dont go out of my way anymore. I always try to put myself in the other woman's shoes.

[Luccibag]

Very well said Decophile!

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by Decophile

Relationships vary. The boundaries of a relationship are defined by the couple. There are tons of perfectly healthy and successful couples where private contact and friendships with the opposite sex are normal and allowed. There are also tons of perfectly healthy and successful couples that do not tolerate private contact and friendships with the opposite sex. No matter how you dice and slice and spin it, the fact remains that affairs and infidelity happen all the time and wreck marriages and lives. And guess where these affairs originate? They originate in what started as a friendship. Affairs don't happen because two completely innocent strangers by accidental happenstance collided into each other in bed. They happen because the seeds of attraction and a separate "us" were sown first in private interactions that no one thought was cause for alarm or suspicion. This is not to say that all private interactions with the opposite sex lead to infidelity. Many are and forever remain innocent. But it would be unwise to deny that a great majority of infidelities originate in what first appeared to be an innocent friendship. Even if 90% of outside friendships never result in betrayal or infidelity, wouldn't it make you pause if you also knew that 90% of affairs that do happen start in an outside friendship? It's like playing a game of Russian Roullette. With one bullet in a 7 bullet chamber, likelihood of getting yourself shot is a measely 14%. But damn, the damage resulting from that one bullet is so fatal and final. Some people simply choose to forgo private relationships with the opposite sex (the 6 empty & harmless chambers) because they don't want to pay the price for inadvertently landing on the bulletted chamber. Couples that decide not to tolerate private friendships with the opposite sex have made a determination that it is best, for the sake of preserving their bond over the long haul, to avoid outside relationships and circumstances that can lead to temptation, to forsake even the opportunity for infidelity and arousing suspicion. mdmc's views are not based in insecurity, but on her perception of human nature, and a recognition that long term relationship evolve and it takes hard work to stay together. Why make it harder by allowing diversions? Her preference is to not even go there. It's a sacrifice worth making for her. Can't say that I disagree with her, although I still prefer to have interactions with the opposite sex. But I also recognize that many of my male friends would in a heartbeat jump my bones if they could. They don't plan to, but as mdmc said, these things are rarely planned.

Very well said. Not to mention the perception you will give people you know if they see you alone at dinner or lunch with another man. It may sound harmless, but people who make a habit of it are setting themselves up for trouble with gossip at work and other places. Yes, a little gossip can be harmless and can't always be avoided, but it can also be extremely damaging. Some times it's best to avoid even the appearance of anything inappropriate.

[ZippyWho]

Decophile, I like how you worded it. So very agree on everything you said.

[mombug]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Whatever you can't tell your significant other, is wrong. Whatever you have to lie about or delete, is wrong. I am all for a husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex - but if it has to be hidden - then that's a red flag to me. Get to the bottom of this. You're making all this too easy for him.

Well put, BagLadie. If it feels wrong to the OP within the boundaries of her marriage, then it's just wrong. A woman's intiution and gut is a very strong force of her nature, it can't be ignored.

[littlerock]

Originally Posted by mdmc

Just my opinion. A married man (or woman) has no business calling, texting, e-mailing, or going to lunch alone with any one other than their spouse. Just not a good idea.

This is hardly reasonable. You (general) can't completely avoid the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship. Life isn't black & white and you (again general "you") can't control everything little detail of what happens no matter how hard one might try.


OP- So glad to hear things might be working out ok. I agree that it may very well be nothing and that sometimes Men will lie in order to spare our feelings not realizing that it's the lying that hurts us the most. Noone is perfect but it sounds like your Man loves you alot. Good luck!

[mdmc]

Originally Posted by littlerock

This is hardly reasonable. You (general) can't completely avoid the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship. Life isn't black & white and you (again general "you") can't control everything little detail of what happens no matter how hard one might try. OP- So glad to hear things might be working out ok. I agree that it may very well be nothing and that sometimes Men will lie in order to spare our feelings not realizing that it's the lying that hurts us the most. Noone is perfect but it sounds like your Man loves you alot. Good luck!

The OP wasn't talking about trying to control every little detail of what happens in her husbands life. She was talking about her husband re establishing a relationship with some one he had a sexual relationship with and then tried to hide it from her.

As far as my life, I am handling everything just fine.

[FastLife]

Originally Posted by nycfashionlvr

I don't trust this situation just because he was deliberately hiding it from you. Deleting the e-mails and going to meet her without mentioning it to you....reason for suspicion. I would have a more in depth talk with him about this.

I'd divorce him, honestly. You didn't get mad told him to be open, now he's deleting emails and making up excuses...

He clearly can't be trusted.