I Can't Trust My Husband

[CCfor C]

Originally Posted by dallas

I don't get it. He says it's a completely platonic relationship but he is secretive about it and in my book if he has nothing to hide, he should hide nothing. He knows you are not a crazy jealous wife and yet it's like he is testing you. As for his concern over her being uncomfortable if you met, why would he give a fat rats bum about her comfort? He says meeting would be weird, well, who created this weird situation? He needs to step up and sort this out. I know the advice here is to sit back and watch, but I fear that will make you crazy. I would make my feelings on this very clear, tell him you are uncomfortable and you think it's weird and you want it to stop. Good luck.

^^As Dallas says, "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing"...a quote I read somewhere once and believe in. I can kind of see that he may think it would make you uncomfortable/jump to conclusions, so to avoid that, he kept it secret. I don't believe that's a good reason. I REALLY don't agree w/this line of thinking if it involves the opposite sex. So I would be on the alert. I hope it all works out for you...

[CCfor C]

Originally Posted by Decophile

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree this is not a "lay low in waiting" kind of event. You are already on notice that secret communications and meetings are going on, and your husband is actively lying to conceal his interactions with her. It doesn't matter whether anything physical has happened or will happen. In my view, the betrayal has already occurred, not at the inception of the secret communications, but at the moment it continued even after you confronted him. He's maneuvering and scheming, and you have to confront this now rather than later. Bitterness, suspicion, and distrust are horrible feelings to have towards someone who is your life partner, your best friend, your partner in crime. There is no excuse for a partner to create and indulge in a separate world, in a different "us," with someone other than you. You and hubby are a package deal, and if Ms. Ex wants to deal with him, she's got to deal with you too. The conspiracy of secrecy between your husband and his ex is what creates their intimate world to your exclusion. The intimacy he creates with her he paid for with your trust and bond. Maybe your husband will make the effort to regain your trust. Maybe he's completely innocent and just thoughtless, not realizing how damaging his behavior is. I'm only trying to reinforce your sense of entitlement to make this stop, nip it in the bud. He needs to understand that he has damaged his trustworthiness and needs to work hard at regaining it, and lying and covering his tracks some more will infinitely exacerbate the already shaky situation. The destruction of trust damages the very core of a relationship. A marriage bond cannot survive without trust. You are entirely within your right to react badly to your husband lying to you so that he can continue interacting with another woman, and it doesn't matter if all they're doing together is playing scrabble online. What matters is the lie, and the better question is "why?" How valuable could his interaction with his ex possibly be that it's worth losing your trust over, and destroying your peace of mind? I never buy the "it's nothing" excuse when someone is willing to pay an outrageously high price to have the "nothing." If you were being a psycho wife and over-reacting, we would all tell you so point blank. But you are not. You're being reasonable and rational and have given him the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. This is not "nothing" and you're not overreacting. So for your hubby's sake I hope he doesn't minimize or dismiss your concern when you confront him again. If he claims it's nothing, then he should have no difficulty giving up this nothing to spare you the pain. Isn't that a no-brainer? If he turns it on you and claims you're being overly territorial, controlling and jealous, tell him those are the wages of his deceit and not your paranoia. If he claims any kind of obligation to her, in not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable or disappointed or abandoned, tell him her discomfort should not trump yours, and that if that's how he views his relative obligations, then you have serious problems. Good luck to you. This sucks royally, but it is fixable.

Excellent post!!^^

[Luccibag]

This would bother me to no end. Any meetings behind my back with a woman who he has seen naked would most certainly bug me! Believe me, you are not being a crazy jealous wife but with the way the world is today, where you cannot turn on the TV without hearing of so and so's affair, you'd be crazy not to question it.

[alliemia]

it wouldn't bother me that he was talking to her, but the secret meetings, and bringing your child to see her?

wtf is that? why would your child meet her and not you?

i'd say talk to him and end their contact, unless he included you.

[Aussiegal]

I would go with the PI. It is crucial you find out asap if he IS having an affair before someone else finds out first. I had a gut instinct with my ex husband but he would never own up. It wasnt until a family member caught them shopping/ canoodling together that I found out the truth. Needless to say the humiliation and pain were excruciating. good luck

[DesigningStyle]

I am 99.99% sure he is cheating. Sorry.

[Summer]

Originally Posted by Decophile

The destruction of trust damages the very core of a relationship. A marriage bond cannot survive without trust. You are entirely within your right to react badly to your husband lying to you so that he can continue interacting with another woman, and it doesn't matter if all they're doing together is playing scrabble online. What matters is the lie, and the better question is "why?" How valuable could his interaction with his ex possibly be that it's worth losing your trust over, and destroying your peace of mind? I never buy the "it's nothing" excuse when someone is willing to pay an outrageously high price to have the "nothing." .

Decophile, thank you. This is the heart of what I feel. I confronted him and talked to him at length again yesterday about all of this. I found out that he didn't delete those 2 weeks of sent mail. We were actually on a trip and he didn't have access to his outlook email program (that's available on the home computer) so they don't show up in the sent box. But he logged on the yahoo website, they are still there. He showed it to me and I saw the emails he sent her were not deleted. He said he knows I have complete access to all his emails, planners and he has nothing to hide. That he hasn't lied to me since that second incident and hasn't seen her since, which has been 8 months. He tells me he is so sorry, but he truly did not think through how his actions would affect me. He said he just did not want me to get the wrong impression. He also said he didn't realize when I said i don't want him to hide anything from me, that he had to tell me when she contacts him. He said I can look and read through all his emails whenever I want so he knows I know about the emails. He wants us to just move on. He said he will tell her right now to never contact him again. I actually believe him, at that moment that there's really nothing going on, that he simply behaved stupidly and thoughtlessly for no apparent reason. He has in the past, done stupid thoughtless things for no apparent reason, although they did not involve any exgirlfriends. But he doesn't fully understand why I can't trust him completey like before. I told him he betrayed me, and I always have some doubt about him. And it's so true, when I am not with him, my mind thinks back about what he has done and those lies he told me and it doesn't matter if nothing really happened, it still upsets me. I told him it's not so easy to just move on, it's going to take time. I told him I wanted him to fully understand, I will not hesitate to leave him if I feel it is warranted. I told him to tell me now and if ever in the future if he ever thinks I'm not the only woman he needs, let me know right away and I will be gone. He was furious, saying I'm talking crazy.

I have taken all of what you ladies suggested and yes, I will be vigilante. I really appreciate all your advices, thoughts and concern. I think love does make you a little dense. If one of my girlfriend told me that this is exactly what's going on between her and her husband, I would have told her what you all told me. It's not so easy when it's your husband and he is so loving and wonderful in almost every way.

[dallas]

Good luck Summer, I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

Brilliant post, Decophile.

[juneping]

OP,
i am glad things are fine. may be try couple counseling about the trust issues??

[Hessefan]

I have been following this thread and not chimed in earlier, because it's hard to tell when you don't know the people involved and only hear one side to the story. What I do want to say though is that I wouldn't just focus on the red flags, even though they are there. Yes, that woman may have had questionable intentions and wanted to reconnect before she got married, but it actually all sounds as if your husband may be either a bit naive or simply flattered by the attention and therefore go along with it. The fact that he brought your child along may be a bit weird, but doesn't sound like the set-up for an affair, as kids are bad at keeping secrets and it doesn't sound as if he was trying to set her up as the new mommy.
Not saying he is stupid, but IME men lie or hide things not always out of guilt, but simply to stay out of trouble. Every bf I ever had, as well as male friends and now my DH get so uncomfortable when they think they are in trouble, that they sometimes don't tell us things if they think it may upset us. That may come across as sneaky or dishonest, but I honestly believe that they just don't want to face the arguments or suspicion and that they may actually not think they are doing anything wrong.
I also am not sure how open and honest one can be in any relationship with anyone. Of course trust is important and by all means a relationship should be about sharing and trusting the other completely, but how many threads are there on this forum about us hiding purchases from our SOs or telling each other personal things we are not sharing with our SOs?
Secret dates with an EX are of course not the same thing by a mile, but I have severed ties with exes because I knew my husband didn't like them and dates with all of us were awkward at best, but I still feel a bit sorry for not being able to have some people in my life now who at one point were a big part of my life and very important to me.
Having said all that, if it happened to me I would probably demand he sever all ties with her asap, but it sounds as if he already promised he would, so that is a good sign, no?

[boxermom]

Summer, it sounds like you are ready to move on from this thread and I understand. I just wanted to reaffirm what you said about wanting him to get it about what stupid behavior like this does to us wives/SO's. And men seem particularly dense in this area, both because their minds are different and they will do almost anything to avoid facing a serious argument even if it hurts the relationship in the long run.

Trust isn't easily given and they have to earn it back. They usually don't understand why we don't just forget and move on. It's not that simple or easy.

I'm wishing the best for you and your dh.

[Decophile]

Originally Posted by boxermom

Summer, it sounds like you are ready to move on from this thread and I understand. I just wanted to reaffirm what you said about wanting him to get it about what stupid behavior like this does to us wives/SO's. And men seem particularly dense in this area, both because their minds are different and they will do almost anything to avoid facing a serious argument even if it hurts the relationship in the long run. Trust isn't easily given and they have to earn it back. They usually don't understand why we don't just forget and move on. It's not that simple or easy. I'm wishing the best for you and your dh.

This is all very true. Men just don't get it, and prefer to avoid having the understanding beat into them. Sadly, they get it in spades when they're on the receiving end of this behavior. What a man may honestly consider to be at worst an innocently stupid act when he does it becomes the most unforgivable capital crime of the century if he were to catch his wife/SO doing the exact same thing. This is not a comment on your husband, Summer, so please don't take offense. It's a general description of a male tendency I've observed too many times, but I have no reason to think your husband also exhibits this kind of double standard.

[ilovepinkhearts]

just keep the line of communication open...never let that die. be honest and truthful. good luck to you both.

[nycfashionlvr]

I'm glad this worked out as it did. It sounds like you have a good hubby! In time u two will be fine.

[Luccibag]

I think you handled it very well! Good luck. It looks like all is going well for you. :)