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nycfashionlvr · Oct 12th, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by Summer

She sent him 2 more emails in the past few days. He responded to her but when she suggested lunch he didn't email back. Or he deleted it, I don't know. Chink, Boxermom, I did suggest that I meet his friend but he said it would be too weird and that he didn't think she would feel comfortable either. I could demand it but I haven't yet. I think if this continues, I may just have to.

Nataliam1976, the second time he just deleted his emails to her. The third time, he deleted all his outgoing mails in a 2 week period. I checked and he has never deleted emails like this before. He'll only delete spam emails.

nycfashionlvr, I have had a long discussion with him on those 2 times I confronted him. I feel like if I bring it up again it would go nowhere. He can keep telling me it's a completely platonic relationship but I don't completely believe it. He may even started deleted her emails and I won't know.

Spendaholic, thank you for asking your husband for his point of view. No, things haven't changed for us sexually. In fact, everything is pretty much the same.

Sorry but this would have raised a huge flag and made me flip. WHY would this be weird and why wouldn't she feel comfortable!?? Him being her "friend"... she should want to meet his wife. I would DEMAND to meet her or as sneaky as this may seem...I would e-mail her (being you have access to the e-mail address). It irks me when married/committed men have friendships with the opposite sex outside their marriage...acquaintances OK but friendships that their wives are not a part of....NO.

Keep us updated, let us know how everything works out for you.

mirdc · Oct 12th, 2009, 03:53 PM

I would consider installing a key-stroke logger on the computer. Then you can see exactly what is being typed out. Next step would be to hire a private investigator.

He shouldn't give a rat's arse about HER comfort. You are the wife. He having any sort of relationship with an ex isn't really appropriate.

juneping · Oct 12th, 2009, 04:01 PM

i just want to add it's better for you to figure out what to do next if things don't pend out the way you want. if you decide to confront your DH, just prepare for the worst. it just seems things were very good and this is all so sudden.

lolitablue · Oct 12th, 2009, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by mirdc

I would consider installing a key-stroke logger on the computer. Then you can see exactly what is being typed out. Next step would be to hire a private investigator.

He shouldn't give a rat's arse about HER comfort. You are the wife. He having any sort of relationship with an ex isn't really appropriate.

I was going to suggest this but did not want to jump the gun. You have the right to know. Men tend to do things b/c they can get away with it. He may not mean to hurt you or the marriage but he is certainly not thinking well. Good Luck to you, this must be very hard!! I know!!

AngelBABY84 · Oct 12th, 2009, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by chanelmommy

i wouldn't want my 'husband' to have lunch/dinner with a female friend from his past without being introduced to her first. That's sneaky, imo. I also do not like the fact that he deleted his emails to her. I would have a serious talk with him about this and for the record you even said you check his email because sometimes you get an email to you through his account so this is justified 'as not snooping' kwim?

^^ita

Decophile · Oct 12th, 2009, 07:26 PM

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree this is not a "lay low in waiting" kind of event. You are already on notice that secret communications and meetings are going on, and your husband is actively lying to conceal his interactions with her. It doesn't matter whether anything physical has happened or will happen. In my view, the betrayal has already occurred, not at the inception of the secret communications, but at the moment it continued even after you confronted him. He's maneuvering and scheming, and you have to confront this now rather than later.

Bitterness, suspicion, and distrust are horrible feelings to have towards someone who is your life partner, your best friend, your partner in crime. There is no excuse for a partner to create and indulge in a separate world, in a different "us," with someone other than you. You and hubby are a package deal, and if Ms. Ex wants to deal with him, she's got to deal with you too. The conspiracy of secrecy between your husband and his ex is what creates their intimate world to your exclusion. The intimacy he creates with her he paid for with your trust and bond.

Maybe your husband will make the effort to regain your trust. Maybe he's completely innocent and just thoughtless, not realizing how damaging his behavior is. I'm only trying to reinforce your sense of entitlement to make this stop, nip it in the bud. He needs to understand that he has damaged his trustworthiness and needs to work hard at regaining it, and lying and covering his tracks some more will infinitely exacerbate the already shaky situation. The destruction of trust damages the very core of a relationship. A marriage bond cannot survive without trust. You are entirely within your right to react badly to your husband lying to you so that he can continue interacting with another woman, and it doesn't matter if all they're doing together is playing scrabble online. What matters is the lie, and the better question is "why?" How valuable could his interaction with his ex possibly be that it's worth losing your trust over, and destroying your peace of mind? I never buy the "it's nothing" excuse when someone is willing to pay an outrageously high price to have the "nothing."

If you were being a psycho wife and over-reacting, we would all tell you so point blank. But you are not. You're being reasonable and rational and have given him the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. This is not "nothing" and you're not overreacting. So for your hubby's sake I hope he doesn't minimize or dismiss your concern when you confront him again. If he claims it's nothing, then he should have no difficulty giving up this nothing to spare you the pain. Isn't that a no-brainer? If he turns it on you and claims you're being overly territorial, controlling and jealous, tell him those are the wages of his deceit and not your paranoia. If he claims any kind of obligation to her, in not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable or disappointed or abandoned, tell him her discomfort should not trump yours, and that if that's how he views his relative obligations, then you have serious problems.

Good luck to you. This sucks royally, but it is fixable.

HandbagLuvr · Oct 12th, 2009, 07:56 PM

While I am not generally a fan of snooping I have to agree with the others about a key logger or a PI. It's obvious you will not get an honest answer by asking. I am sorry you are going through this. I am married myself and it would hit me like a ton of bricks too if I were in your situation. You've never had a reason in the past not to trust him, so to not trust him now must be agonizing. You have a right to the truth, whether you hear it from him or a PI.

ilovepinkhearts · Oct 12th, 2009, 08:11 PM

i didn't read all the responses...but i am a firm believer in listening to your gut and following your instincts. and that is coming from someone that was cheated on, my gut told me i was right all along and yet he lied for over a year and then finally admitted it.
talk to him, tell him how you feel...communication is the key!

Love my Tanos · Oct 12th, 2009, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by Decophile

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree this is not a "lay low in waiting" kind of event. You are already on notice that secret communications and meetings are going on, and your husband is actively lying to conceal his interactions with her. It doesn't matter whether anything physical has happened or will happen. In my view, the betrayal has already occurred, not at the inception of the secret communications, but at the moment it continued even after you confronted him. He's maneuvering and scheming, and you have to confront this now rather than later.

Bitterness, suspicion, and distrust are horrible feelings to have towards someone who is your life partner, your best friend, your partner in crime. There is no excuse for a partner to create and indulge in a separate world, in a different "us," with someone other than you. You and hubby are a package deal, and if Ms. Ex wants to deal with him, she's got to deal with you too. The conspiracy of secrecy between your husband and his ex is what creates their intimate world to your exclusion. The intimacy he creates with her he paid for with your trust and bond.

Maybe your husband will make the effort to regain your trust. Maybe he's completely innocent and just thoughtless, not realizing how damaging his behavior is. I'm only trying to reinforce your sense of entitlement to make this stop, nip it in the bud. He needs to understand that he has damaged his trustworthiness and needs to work hard at regaining it, and lying and covering his tracks some more will infinitely exacerbate the already shaky situation. The destruction of trust damages the very core of a relationship. A marriage bond cannot survive without trust. You are entirely within your right to react badly to your husband lying to you so that he can continue interacting with another woman, and it doesn't matter if all they're doing together is playing scrabble online. What matters is the lie, and the better question is "why?" How valuable could his interaction with his ex possibly be that it's worth losing your trust over, and destroying your peace of mind? I never buy the "it's nothing" excuse when someone is willing to pay an outrageously high price to have the "nothing."

If you were being a psycho wife and over-reacting, we would all tell you so point blank. But you are not. You're being reasonable and rational and have given him the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. This is not "nothing" and you're not overreacting. So for your hubby's sake I hope he doesn't minimize or dismiss your concern when you confront him again. If he claims it's nothing, then he should have no difficulty giving up this nothing to spare you the pain. Isn't that a no-brainer? If he turns it on you and claims you're being overly territorial, controlling and jealous, tell him those are the wages of his deceit and not your paranoia. If he claims any kind of obligation to her, in not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable or disappointed or abandoned, tell him her discomfort should not trump yours, and that if that's how he views his relative obligations, then you have serious problems.

Good luck to you. This sucks royally, but it is fixable.

ITA on all points and what's bolded is especially on point. OP I think your only fault in all this is that you're extremely level-headed and love your husband very much, and are suffering from "nice girl" syndrome where you're bending over backwards so as not to be seen as unreasonable.

It's especially jerky of your husband to be doing this to you if you two are actively trying to have another child. You already have enough to deal with, without wondering if he's stepping out on you.

I hope it works out in a way that puts all your fears to rest, for good. This situation really needs to end. Keep us posted.

fabae · Oct 12th, 2009, 10:00 PM

He needs to come clean one way or another. Something is not right, and I say that from experience.

one fifty · Oct 12th, 2009, 11:49 PM

I agree with the keylogger too, after reading this again today. At first I thought well, maybe your DH just isn't that comfortable disclosing his interacting with the particular ex, I mean I actually did do that with one of my ex BFs, was emailing with him behind DH's back because I know DH feels somewhat insecure about this particular ex who was was pretty much my fiance at one point.

however in my case nothing was going on, we were emailing after not speaking for 10 years and the conversation centered around what happened to us 10 years ago, some venting I had to do about a 'mutual' friend from back then who betrayed me then came onto him, so it was a lot of finally letting the anger out of ancient history which DH would know nothing about since he wasn't part of my life then so I kept DH out of it.

however in your DH's case there has been meetings in person, and even with my own story if DH had confronted me about emailing the ex and wanted a meeting I would have been ok with it (would've been a little awkward for all of us for sure, but ok) and that's what's raising a red flag for me.

sonnie_skies · Oct 13th, 2009, 11:00 AM

Lies, by their very nature, will make you suspicious. And when he says he's basically withholding information for your own good, that's just plan condescending. You're within your right to be informed about who he spends time with, especially given their history and his evasiveness. He kind of made it your business by not being forthcoming.

glamgirl84 · Oct 13th, 2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by HandbagLuvr

While I am not generally a fan of snooping I have to agree with the others about a key logger or a PI. It's obvious you will not get an honest answer by asking. I am sorry you are going through this. I am married myself and it would hit me like a ton of bricks too if I were in your situation. You've never had a reason in the past not to trust him, so to not trust him now must be agonizing. You have a right to the truth, whether you hear it from him or a PI.

I agree. I would be dying to know what he was doing all day at home while you're at work and your son is at daycare. Are you good friends with any of your close neighbors, maybe one who is a SAHM or works from home and can keep on eye on the comings and goings at your house during the week? If not I would honestly consider a PI. Also, if he were to arrange another meet up with this girl, and you find out about it, I would abbruptly take the day off b/c you have a "headache" and see what he does then. I'd also be checking his phone records- he may make a lot of business calls but he probably doesn't make them after 6pm or on weekends, right? Start by seeing if he's making calls to an unfamiliar number at strange times (late at night, very early in the morning, on weekend days when you're out of town or busy)- also look for long chunks of talk time. I'm so sorry how you have to deal with this! It must be completely consuming and very painful. Please keep us posted.

glamgirl84 · Oct 13th, 2009, 01:33 PM

Also, what about text messages? That might be your best bet in figuring this whole thing out. Check into that!

MillerRocks · Oct 13th, 2009, 02:34 PM

My heart and prayers are with you. May your HEART find strength and your mind find the answers you are looking for. I'm sure you've looked into it already but here's a link. It's a pretty well-thought out program. It is not detected my your computer and only you can log in.

http://www.actualspy.com/

Oct 12th, 2009, 03:53 PM	#32
mirdc purse oracle Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 280	I would consider installing a key-stroke logger on the computer. Then you can see exactly what is being typed out. Next step would be to hire a private investigator. He shouldn't give a rat's arse about HER comfort. You are the wife. He having any sort of relationship with an ex isn't really appropriate.
mirdc purse oracle Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 280

Oct 12th, 2009, 04:01 PM	#33
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,345	i just want to add it's better for you to figure out what to do next if things don't pend out the way you want. if you decide to confront your DH, just prepare for the worst. it just seems things were very good and this is all so sudden.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 12th, 2009, 07:26 PM	#36
Decophile Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Denver, Colorado Posts: 4,534	OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree this is not a "lay low in waiting" kind of event. You are already on notice that secret communications and meetings are going on, and your husband is actively lying to conceal his interactions with her. It doesn't matter whether anything physical has happened or will happen. In my view, the betrayal has already occurred, not at the inception of the secret communications, but at the moment it continued even after you confronted him. He's maneuvering and scheming, and you have to confront this now rather than later. Bitterness, suspicion, and distrust are horrible feelings to have towards someone who is your life partner, your best friend, your partner in crime. There is no excuse for a partner to create and indulge in a separate world, in a different "us," with someone other than you. You and hubby are a package deal, and if Ms. Ex wants to deal with him, she's got to deal with you too. The conspiracy of secrecy between your husband and his ex is what creates their intimate world to your exclusion. The intimacy he creates with her he paid for with your trust and bond. Maybe your husband will make the effort to regain your trust. Maybe he's completely innocent and just thoughtless, not realizing how damaging his behavior is. I'm only trying to reinforce your sense of entitlement to make this stop, nip it in the bud. He needs to understand that he has damaged his trustworthiness and needs to work hard at regaining it, and lying and covering his tracks some more will infinitely exacerbate the already shaky situation. The destruction of trust damages the very core of a relationship. A marriage bond cannot survive without trust. You are entirely within your right to react badly to your husband lying to you so that he can continue interacting with another woman, and it doesn't matter if all they're doing together is playing scrabble online. What matters is the lie, and the better question is "why?" How valuable could his interaction with his ex possibly be that it's worth losing your trust over, and destroying your peace of mind? I never buy the "it's nothing" excuse when someone is willing to pay an outrageously high price to have the "nothing." If you were being a psycho wife and over-reacting, we would all tell you so point blank. But you are not. You're being reasonable and rational and have given him the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. This is not "nothing" and you're not overreacting. So for your hubby's sake I hope he doesn't minimize or dismiss your concern when you confront him again. If he claims it's nothing, then he should have no difficulty giving up this nothing to spare you the pain. Isn't that a no-brainer? If he turns it on you and claims you're being overly territorial, controlling and jealous, tell him those are the wages of his deceit and not your paranoia. If he claims any kind of obligation to her, in not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable or disappointed or abandoned, tell him her discomfort should not trump yours, and that if that's how he views his relative obligations, then you have serious problems. Good luck to you. This sucks royally, but it is fixable.
	Last edited by Decophile; Oct 12th, 2009 at 07:45 PM.

Oct 12th, 2009, 07:56 PM	#37
HandbagLuvr Member Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 138	While I am not generally a fan of snooping I have to agree with the others about a key logger or a PI. It's obvious you will not get an honest answer by asking. I am sorry you are going through this. I am married myself and it would hit me like a ton of bricks too if I were in your situation. You've never had a reason in the past not to trust him, so to not trust him now must be agonizing. You have a right to the truth, whether you hear it from him or a PI.
HandbagLuvr Member Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 138

Oct 12th, 2009, 08:11 PM	#38
ilovepinkhearts team edward. always. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 4,395	i didn't read all the responses...but i am a firm believer in listening to your gut and following your instincts. and that is coming from someone that was cheated on, my gut told me i was right all along and yet he lied for over a year and then finally admitted it. talk to him, tell him how you feel...communication is the key!
	__________________ Please educate yourself about pancreatic cancer, and then share that knowledge with a loved one. http://www.pancan.org i will lose the weight...1 lb at a time!! i CAN do it! i'm not sure how many lbs to go - skinny jeans here i come!!

Oct 12th, 2009, 10:00 PM	#40
fabae Member Joined: Jun 2006 Location: The South Posts: 1,651	He needs to come clean one way or another. Something is not right, and I say that from experience.
	__________________ Banned? I haven't bought a bag since August! Though I am getting weaker.

Oct 12th, 2009, 11:49 PM	#41
one fifty Member Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 287	I agree with the keylogger too, after reading this again today. At first I thought well, maybe your DH just isn't that comfortable disclosing his interacting with the particular ex, I mean I actually did do that with one of my ex BFs, was emailing with him behind DH's back because I know DH feels somewhat insecure about this particular ex who was was pretty much my fiance at one point. however in my case nothing was going on, we were emailing after not speaking for 10 years and the conversation centered around what happened to us 10 years ago, some venting I had to do about a 'mutual' friend from back then who betrayed me then came onto him, so it was a lot of finally letting the anger out of ancient history which DH would know nothing about since he wasn't part of my life then so I kept DH out of it. however in your DH's case there has been meetings in person, and even with my own story if DH had confronted me about emailing the ex and wanted a meeting I would have been ok with it (would've been a little awkward for all of us for sure, but ok) and that's what's raising a red flag for me.
one fifty Member Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 287

Oct 13th, 2009, 11:00 AM	#42
sonnie_skies Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 19	Lies, by their very nature, will make you suspicious. And when he says he's basically withholding information for your own good, that's just plan condescending. You're within your right to be informed about who he spends time with, especially given their history and his evasiveness. He kind of made it your business by not being forthcoming.
sonnie_skies Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 19

Oct 13th, 2009, 01:33 PM	#44
glamgirl84 Member Joined: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,703	Also, what about text messages? That might be your best bet in figuring this whole thing out. Check into that!
glamgirl84 Member Joined: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,703	__________________

Oct 13th, 2009, 02:34 PM	#45
MillerRocks Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 40	My heart and prayers are with you. May your HEART find strength and your mind find the answers you are looking for. I'm sure you've looked into it already but here's a link. It's a pretty well-thought out program. It is not detected my your computer and only you can log in. http://www.actualspy.com/
MillerRocks Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 40

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