I Can't Trust My Husband

[lovinalotofbags]

It sounds to me like he is hiding something. He should have mentioned her to you and if there is nothing between them, why did he delete the emails. He should not have brought the child along on his clandestine meeting. Holding something back and not making it known to your partner,could mean that the person is wanting something to happen. He needs to know that his behavior is very suspect.

[Summer]

Handbagluvr, I won't know what to look for if I check his cellphone bill. In his line of work, he makes and recieves gazillion calls a day and this include out of state calls.

Is there a way to find deleted emails? He has a yahoo and gmail account.

Whenever I have a day off from work like today, I drive my crazy with these thoughts. I work long hours so when I leave in the am, my husband is still sleeping. And when I get home at night, it's nearly 8pm. My son goes to preschool so my husband can pretty much do anything during the day and I wouldn't have a clue. That's what so scarey. I want to know so I know how to proceed. We are trying to have a second baby and I could be pregnant now. This is giving me stress.

I admit, I am a very cynical and cautious person yet I have never given him any indications that I would overreact or be unreasonable to have spark the lies in the first place. There was an incident years ago that involved a female friend of his. They would hang out with other mutual friends, although not often. When I met her, on two occasions, she was rude and abrupt with me for no reason. I asked him about her and he told me they went out very briefy after hugh school but he just wasn't interested and it ended. He also told me she asked if I get mad that he hangs out with her. I told him it doesn't matter to me but I don't want to see her. He was so clueless about why she would be rude to me. You see, even in that situation, I didn't overreact or stopped him from being friends with her. I do have a temper, but when it comes to immature girls like that, I don't give in to the drama if I think they're harmless.

Come to think of it, he started going to the gym a month ago. But I've been asking him to start working out because his cholesterol is really high and he has gained some weight and not eating right. When we met, he had an amazing body with washboard abs and muscles. I don't care that his body is not the same and that stopped lifting weights and working out after we got married but I was concerned and wanted him to start being active and eat better again. This could be totally irrelevent, I don't know.

[starra007]

If I were you, I definitely wouldn't trust him. The fact that he's in contact with an old flame isn't the issue... it's the fact that he is deliberately HIDING the communication that signals a red flag. If you and your husband are open and share practically everything with each other, why now, all of a sudden, isn't he sharing this with you? Listen to your gut; it usually isn't wrong. Something definitely doesn't add up. You need to sit down and confront him once more. You don't have to be abrasive or overly emotional, but you both seriously need to have a talk again. Really tell him what's weighing on your heart and how you're having problems trusting him. Gauge what he has to say and see if you can both hammer it out to a point where you guys are both comfortable. Even if nothing happened, it's a shame he had to lie to you. Building and maintaining trust is never easy. He's going to have to earn your trust back.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best. This definitely isn't an easy situation to be in.

[EMMY]

Point blank..he lied to you...the only reason people lie is hide the truth...you have to find out what the truth is..if he is merely intrigued by a friendhsip and it is harmless than so be it...if he truly did lie to spare your feelings than he needs to know that this is not acceptable regardless of how you would/wouldn't react......If this is anything other than a friendship you have every right to know the truth, and I would not let this go until the alarm bells went silent in my head...this is a totally different world we live in than what we grew up in...get up and go talk to him..If this were my situation I'd rather know the truth..no matter how harsh..than sit and wonder in torment...highschool is over..

[boxermom]

Originally Posted by dallas

I don't get it. He says it's a completely platonic relationship but he is secretive about it and in my book if he has nothing to hide, he should hide nothing. He knows you are not a crazy jealous wife and yet it's like he is testing you. As for his concern over her being uncomfortable if you met, why would he give a fat rats bum about her comfort? He says meeting would be weird, well, who created this weird situation? He needs to step up and sort this out. I know the advice here is to sit back and watch, but I fear that will make you crazy. I would make my feelings on this very clear, tell him you are uncomfortable and you think it's weird and you want it to stop. Good luck.

dallas, this leaped out at me, too. He's concerned about her comfort level??? You are his wife--HELLO!!! He should be doing everything to make certain this is acceptable to you!

The more I read, the more I don't like how this sounds. I think you have reason to be concerned. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Good luck, hon.

[HandbagLuvr]

^^exactly what I was thinking. When my husband and I 1st started dating I made sure he met all of my friends both male and female. Both my husband and I ended some friendships when we started dating due to a couple of friends not liking one of us. If she is uncomfortable around you then your husband should not be friends with her.

[juneping]

OP,

sorry of what happened...
i asked my bf...and said may be your DH wanted to be with her one last time for the old time sake.....may be your DH just wants something difference for once....
not meaning to jump to conclusion but the whole thing just seems weird.

[olialm1]

There is something very off about their relationship. I wouldn't lay low and observe anymore, I would flat out tell him to cut it out. Tell him exactly what you told us. You seem genuinely hurt and confused and I feel for you.
My s/o pulled the same garbage on me and went out for dinner/drinks with someone from his past and never told me about it and I ended up finding out. It's not a good feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with confronting him; just stay calm and tell him exactly how you feel. He should have no issue dropping this woman from his past. You are his wife and the mother of his child, IMO she needs to get out of the picture.

[Green Zebra]

Summer: You've been together 10 years, and from how I understand your postings, you've never had a mistrust issue with him until this last year. It certainly doesn't sound like you are the jealous psycho wife (as you posted) to me.

I'm a firm believer that if you feel uneasy...or that something just doesn't feel right or on the up and up to you...it's good to explore, as those feelings usually have some basis.

Sometimes we believe things because we want to believe things. When your mind tells you one thing, and your heart another...I think you should listen to your mind first. Of course, this is JMO...

[mayajuliana]

Honestly, if it bothers you, as his wife I think you have the right to tell him 1) it bothers you and 2) you'd like him to do things differently, whether that be to stop seeing her, or at least give you the chance to hang out with them should they want to get together to chat. I don't see him giving you any choice in the matter than the status quo, and that must be sooooo frustrating.

Your response is very reasonable. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings or look like a crazy wife, but bottom line, you are uncomfortable and you shouldn't be. Big hugs to you; keep us informed. Good luck!

[Cheetah7]

I guess what I don't understand about this whole thing is, if he has nothing to hide then why lie to you about her at all? He knows you're not the jealous type and you have on more than one occasion, gave him the go to continue being her friend so why the lies? IMO, if this is strictly a platonic relationship then he should be more than happy to introduce you to her, not make up excuses as to why it's not a good idea.

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do but you should probably lay low and stop bringing the issue up for now until you can gather up more tangible evidence besides emails, deleted or otherwise. In other words, observe and document everything quietly. If you don't say anything in the meantime, he will relax about it and eventually screw up (if there is something really going on). I wish you luck on this.

[mawygrrl23]

I'm pretty sure he knows that this is bothering you, so why does he not just end it? If you do not feel comfortable let him know that you want that relationship to end. This situation is going to end up affecting your relationship.

"I did suggest that I meet his friend but he said it would be too weird and that he didn't think she would feel comfortable either."
I'm sorry but this is BS. Why should he care how she feels? I would have been pissed off if that was my DH's reply.

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

[Rhose]

You're handling this so well. All I know is when I got engaged I wasn't 100% sure about it, so I got back in touch with my favourite old flame. He didn't have a girlfriend, but the intention was there. I was testing the waters to see if what I was doing was the right thing. I ended up breaking off my engagement and got with the old flame. Not my proudest moment, but there it is. I think it's pretty coincidental she's getting back in contact only now when she's engaged. I could be wrong of course.

I believe in female instinct. Especially someone like you: non-jealous, mature minded and rational. What he's doing isn't cool. You're his wife and she's some girl from his distant past. You deserve better than what he's giving you right now.

There are two ways to proceed from here: the out-in-the-open way: try to set up a dinner with the four of you, and keep your eyes and ears open in the meantime. (If it's all innocent why on earth would she feel uncomfortable in your presence?) Or, lay low and gather evidence. For the latter you need to up the ante. This will probably cause uproar, but you could install a keystroke recorder on the computer he uses. Crude, yes, but irrefutably effective. You have to be smart about it though - make sure the program doesn't show up in the start menu, on the desktop etc. You can have them send screen grabs direct to your own email address. Oh man, I feel like I'm going to hell just for saying this, but we're talking a 10 year marriage and a lying husband here. You need to know one way or another. He's proven he's not above lying to your face.

If you find concrete evidence of untoward behaviour you can confront him with it. If you find nothing I still think you should then set up a dinner. She needs to put a face to your name, see you're a real person. Because at this stage it may well still be "platonic".

Good luck and please keep us updated. I hope it all works out for you.

[EMMY]

OP there's some PHENOMENAL advice her..I agree with everyone who posted NOT to lay low anymore and flat out get it all in the open...Female instinct is one thing God blessed us with that is a true gift..don't ignore it..

[artjen]

Wow, just read everything. I agree that you need to "up the ante" here. He is continuing to be very sneaky and inappropriate. Please keep us posted.