I can't communicate with my mother

~bastet · Feb 21st, 2008, 11:21 AM

A bit of background, I'm 29, and have been married for almost four years. My mother is very conservative, socially. She tried very hard to stomp traditional gender roles into my head. I went to college and then grad school, and changed my mind about pretty much everything she taught me because it no longer made sense. Despite the fact that I've been very socially liberal for many years, she chooses to blame DH, and it's starting to make me very angry and uncomfortable. It makes it impossible to have a conversation with her.

Whenever I express an opinion that she doesn't agree with, she blames DH, usually in a very insulting manner. She says things like "I didn't bring you up to do (x)" or "I didn't bring you up to think (x)" "so DH must have told you to have that opinion." She accuses DH of controlling me, and if I agree with DH instead of her, she insists that I only agree with him because I'm afraid of him, which is not remotely true.

She is convinced that I am incapable of independent thought, and any views or beliefs I have that differ from her own, or what she "brought me up" to believe, she assumes that I'm just being a sheep and parroting DH's opinions. It is beyond frustrating. So whenever we talk, she invalidates everything I say and writes it off as stuff DH told me to think. And she honestly believes this. And she's started to apply this belief to other aspects of my marriage. If she finds out that I told DH to pick out a piece of furniture, or decide where to hang a picture, she accuses me of allowing myself to be controlled.

It's getting to a point where I don't want to be alone with her, and I feel guilty.

Whenever we talk on the phone or are alone together, the conversation goes from "normal" to her accusing me of being manipulated and controlled by DH because I disagree with her. Usually, she starts yelling on the phone.

I've all but given up trying to convince her that my opinions are my own and have resigned myself to knowing that she doesn't think anything I have to say is important because it's just what DH told me to say. It's so insulting.

Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can cope with the fact that my mom thinks I'm incapable of independent thought and doesn't value anything I say? Or if you're psychological geniuses, how I can get through to her?

And I feel bad for poor DH, who hasn't done anything wrong. He's quite harmless. She's just choosing to blame him for parts of my personality that she doesn't like.

restricter · Feb 21st, 2008, 11:51 AM

The first thing you have to do is realize she is not going to change. If you haven't gotten your message across during the 4 years you've been married, it's not going to happen.

YOU have to change. Specifically, you need to change your reaction from constantly being on the defensive to finding another way to deal with the conversation. It can be as extreme as hanging up on her when she yells at you. You have to decide what will work and it may take trial and error to get there.

Was she always this way or did it happen or get worse after your father died? Again, you may not be able to send her to therapy. On the other hand, a little therapy to discuss ways to cope and vent regularly can't hurt.

Good luck!

~bastet · Feb 21st, 2008, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by restricter

Was she always this way or did it happen or get worse after your father died? Again, you may not be able to send her to therapy. On the other hand, a little therapy to discuss ways to cope and vent regularly can't hurt.

Good luck!

My dad is still alive. Maybe you're confusing me w/ someone else?
I think you're right, that I need to not be on the defensive, but I'm naturally that way, so it's hard.

tadpolenyc · Feb 21st, 2008, 12:12 PM

^ it is difficult. i don't know if would be able to bite my tongue either if i was in your position. it's very interesting that she's accusing you of allowing yourself to be controlled by your husband when she's intent upon controlling you and convincing you to adopt her mentality! since it's not possible for you to change her or even make her listen to you, could you just change the subject every time she starts on a tirade? if she refuses to talk about anything else, you should tell her that you have to go. perhaps when she realizes that she's not getting to talk to you very much, she'll try to be more civilized for longer periods of time.

outpt · Feb 21st, 2008, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tadpolenyc

^ it is difficult. i don't know if would be able to bite my tongue either if i was in your position. it's very interesting that she's accusing you of allowing yourself to be controlled by your husband when she's intent upon controlling you and convincing you to adopt her mentality!

People who are manipulative hate when they think someone else is barging in on their territory.

I've seen that happen far too often.

I'm sorry your relationship with your mother is so strained. Would it help to write her a letter? That way you could explain yourself fully without her being able to cut you off or just dismiss you. Or schedule a time to sit down and talk, and use a stopwatch so that each of you gets a certain amount of time to speak without interruption. It sounds like you need a way to communicate that won't immediately devolve into an argument.

Jahpson · Feb 22nd, 2008, 05:22 PM

Join the club!

My mother is the type to throw things in your face if you tell her your feelings or something personal. I want to have a close relationship with my mother, but sometimes she can be so insensitive...kwim?

My mother thinks that when children come into this world they are play doh that needs to be molded, and everything that they do is the result of how they were raised and such.

She doesnt understand that everyone has their own mind, opinion and behavior. So we are not going to always do what are parents want.

Minnie05 · Feb 22nd, 2008, 06:24 PM

it sounds to me like she is more upset by the fact that by you choosing to be another way than she raised you to be that you are also choosing to not be like her. KWIM?

She needs to realize that just because you choose to live your life the way you want to doesn't mean that you don't love her or the way she is

does that make sense?

guccimamma · Feb 22nd, 2008, 07:17 PM

i am with you!

i got to a stage with my mom where i realized my priority was my husband and my children. she still has her opinions, but they mean less to me...i don't speak to her as often as before. my mom sounds like she could be your mom's sister (i guess we'd be cousins)

i also attributed some of her negative feelings toward hormonal stuff, she was really kind of mean for a while...i think it was menopause related, that was several years ago...i couldn't have a single conversation with her, she always got angry with me.

you may just have to change how you deal with her, she is most likely not going to get better with age

gillianna · Feb 22nd, 2008, 07:18 PM

Not many people truly get along with their mother. I mean most mothers have a opinion and you are supposed to agree with it. If you don't play their game they can make it hard for you and blame whoever. I could not even begin to say the hurtful things said to me through my life.
But you move on and either listen or fight.....it was easier to let it go in my case.

rubylola · Feb 23rd, 2008, 07:04 PM

You really need to stop worrying about what your mother thinks- I know it may not be easy, but you are an adult with your own family, and if she doesn't like the way you choose to live- tough.

You are no longer a child under her roof so your relationship needs to change from that one where you need her approval, to one of two halves.

You should now both be more equal and rather than responding or bowing to her criticism and manipulation, you need to show her that you are standing on your own feet and making your own choices- and it is your time to do so, regardless of what she says.

envyme · Feb 23rd, 2008, 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JahpsonLoveYou

Join the club!

My mother is the type to throw things in your face if you tell her your feelings or something personal. I want to have a close relationship with my mother, but sometimes she can be so insensitive...kwim?

My mother thinks that when children come into this world they are play doh that needs to be molded, and everything that they do is the result of how they were raised and such.

She doesnt understand that everyone has their own mind, opinion and behavior. So we are not going to always do what are parents want.

I think you and I have the same mother.

windycityaj · Feb 23rd, 2008, 07:58 PM

I'm so sorry to hear this......sending positive thoughts...

boring member · Feb 24th, 2008, 08:42 PM

I can relate.... I find that I don't tell my mother much anymore. Our conversations are very boring, but it's just easier. Maybe try just talking about innocuous things and ignoring the rest or changing the subject? Don't bother trying to change her mind, because you won't.

fantastic_3 · Feb 24th, 2008, 11:05 PM

Unforutnately I have gotten to point that the only kind of conversation I can have with my mother are small meaningless conversations. She had issues with her parents (didn't get any inheritance from her rich parents) and this may have been a result of her bitterness. She is constantly negative, insulting, controlling, manipulative, conieving, etc towards me. She is extremely vicious when I am happy and gloats at my misery.

I use to feel sorry for her but she has just hurt me so much in the last few years that I just stay my distance from her. She is always trying to tear my relationship up between my siblings and I. She always favours my 2 brothers who doesn't have the time of day for her but treats my sister and I like dirt but we use to be there for her all the times. It's sad but life goes on, especially now that I have a family of my own. Since my relationship with her is so sad, it teaches me to be a much better person and especially being the best mother I can to my precious children.

~bastet · Feb 27th, 2008, 11:16 AM

Thank you everyone for your advice.

JahpsonLoveYou, I think we have the same mother. Mine constantly says "everything you do reflects on me."

Feb 21st, 2008, 11:21 AM	#1
~bastet Member Location: Washington, DC	I can't communicate with my mother A bit of background, I'm 29, and have been married for almost four years. My mother is very conservative, socially. She tried very hard to stomp traditional gender roles into my head. I went to college and then grad school, and changed my mind about pretty much everything she taught me because it no longer made sense. Despite the fact that I've been very socially liberal for many years, she chooses to blame DH, and it's starting to make me very angry and uncomfortable. It makes it impossible to have a conversation with her. Whenever I express an opinion that she doesn't agree with, she blames DH, usually in a very insulting manner. She says things like "I didn't bring you up to do (x)" or "I didn't bring you up to think (x)" "so DH must have told you to have that opinion." She accuses DH of controlling me, and if I agree with DH instead of her, she insists that I only agree with him because I'm afraid of him, which is not remotely true. She is convinced that I am incapable of independent thought, and any views or beliefs I have that differ from her own, or what she "brought me up" to believe, she assumes that I'm just being a sheep and parroting DH's opinions. It is beyond frustrating. So whenever we talk, she invalidates everything I say and writes it off as stuff DH told me to think. And she honestly believes this. And she's started to apply this belief to other aspects of my marriage. If she finds out that I told DH to pick out a piece of furniture, or decide where to hang a picture, she accuses me of allowing myself to be controlled. It's getting to a point where I don't want to be alone with her, and I feel guilty. Whenever we talk on the phone or are alone together, the conversation goes from "normal" to her accusing me of being manipulated and controlled by DH because I disagree with her. Usually, she starts yelling on the phone. I've all but given up trying to convince her that my opinions are my own and have resigned myself to knowing that she doesn't think anything I have to say is important because it's just what DH told me to say. It's so insulting. Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can cope with the fact that my mom thinks I'm incapable of independent thought and doesn't value anything I say? Or if you're psychological geniuses, how I can get through to her? And I feel bad for poor DH, who hasn't done anything wrong. He's quite harmless. She's just choosing to blame him for parts of my personality that she doesn't like. Last edited by ~bastet; Feb 21st, 2008 at 11:21 AM. Reason: typos

Feb 21st, 2008, 11:51 AM	#2
restricter Meowy Chrisssmasss	Re: I can't communicate with my mother The first thing you have to do is realize she is not going to change. If you haven't gotten your message across during the 4 years you've been married, it's not going to happen. YOU have to change. Specifically, you need to change your reaction from constantly being on the defensive to finding another way to deal with the conversation. It can be as extreme as hanging up on her when she yells at you. You have to decide what will work and it may take trial and error to get there. Was she always this way or did it happen or get worse after your father died? Again, you may not be able to send her to therapy. On the other hand, a little therapy to discuss ways to cope and vent regularly can't hurt. Good luck! __________________ And in case that's not completely clear...

Feb 21st, 2008, 12:12 PM	#4
tadpolenyc dorota trumps limo Location: new york, ny	Re: I can't communicate with my mother ^ it is difficult. i don't know if would be able to bite my tongue either if i was in your position. it's very interesting that she's accusing you of allowing yourself to be controlled by your husband when she's intent upon controlling you and convincing you to adopt her mentality! since it's not possible for you to change her or even make her listen to you, could you just change the subject every time she starts on a tirade? if she refuses to talk about anything else, you should tell her that you have to go. perhaps when she realizes that she's not getting to talk to you very much, she'll try to be more civilized for longer periods of time. __________________ wishlist f/w 06 graphite venetia s/s 07 light grey venetia resort 06 black sweet punk sid bowler chanel 2.55 reissue in anniversary grey

Feb 22nd, 2008, 05:22 PM	#6
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	Re: I can't communicate with my mother Join the club! My mother is the type to throw things in your face if you tell her your feelings or something personal. I want to have a close relationship with my mother, but sometimes she can be so insensitive...kwim? My mother thinks that when children come into this world they are play doh that needs to be molded, and everything that they do is the result of how they were raised and such. She doesnt understand that everyone has their own mind, opinion and behavior. So we are not going to always do what are parents want. __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Feb 22nd, 2008, 06:24 PM	#7
Minnie05 BagsBagsBagsBags!!! Location: NY	Re: I can't communicate with my mother it sounds to me like she is more upset by the fact that by you choosing to be another way than she raised you to be that you are also choosing to not be like her. KWIM? She needs to realize that just because you choose to live your life the way you want to doesn't mean that you don't love her or the way she is does that make sense?

Feb 22nd, 2008, 07:17 PM	#8
guccimamma guccimamma	Re: I can't communicate with my mother i am with you! i got to a stage with my mom where i realized my priority was my husband and my children. she still has her opinions, but they mean less to me...i don't speak to her as often as before. my mom sounds like she could be your mom's sister (i guess we'd be cousins) i also attributed some of her negative feelings toward hormonal stuff, she was really kind of mean for a while...i think it was menopause related, that was several years ago...i couldn't have a single conversation with her, she always got angry with me. you may just have to change how you deal with her, she is most likely not going to get better with age

Feb 22nd, 2008, 07:18 PM	#9
gillianna Member	Re: I can't communicate with my mother Not many people truly get along with their mother. I mean most mothers have a opinion and you are supposed to agree with it. If you don't play their game they can make it hard for you and blame whoever. I could not even begin to say the hurtful things said to me through my life. But you move on and either listen or fight.....it was easier to let it go in my case.

Feb 23rd, 2008, 07:04 PM	#10
rubylola Member	Re: I can't communicate with my mother You really need to stop worrying about what your mother thinks- I know it may not be easy, but you are an adult with your own family, and if she doesn't like the way you choose to live- tough. You are no longer a child under her roof so your relationship needs to change from that one where you need her approval, to one of two halves. You should now both be more equal and rather than responding or bowing to her criticism and manipulation, you need to show her that you are standing on your own feet and making your own choices- and it is your time to do so, regardless of what she says.

Feb 23rd, 2008, 07:58 PM	#12
windycityaj Member Location: Chicago, IL	Re: I can't communicate with my mother I'm so sorry to hear this......sending positive thoughts... __________________ Purse ban is officially over!!! My wishlist..... Black Blondie flap......It's here!!!! 4/8/2008 Chanel Cambon Tote w/accessories YSL black Mombasa (snagged a Vincennes bag)...it's here!! 6/16/08 Black Coach "Mandy" So many bags...so little time (and money)!!!

Feb 24th, 2008, 08:42 PM	#13
boring member Member	Re: I can't communicate with my mother I can relate.... I find that I don't tell my mother much anymore. Our conversations are very boring, but it's just easier. Maybe try just talking about innocuous things and ignoring the rest or changing the subject? Don't bother trying to change her mind, because you won't.

Feb 24th, 2008, 11:05 PM	#14
fantastic_3 Member	Re: I can't communicate with my mother Unforutnately I have gotten to point that the only kind of conversation I can have with my mother are small meaningless conversations. She had issues with her parents (didn't get any inheritance from her rich parents) and this may have been a result of her bitterness. She is constantly negative, insulting, controlling, manipulative, conieving, etc towards me. She is extremely vicious when I am happy and gloats at my misery. I use to feel sorry for her but she has just hurt me so much in the last few years that I just stay my distance from her. She is always trying to tear my relationship up between my siblings and I. She always favours my 2 brothers who doesn't have the time of day for her but treats my sister and I like dirt but we use to be there for her all the times. It's sad but life goes on, especially now that I have a family of my own. Since my relationship with her is so sad, it teaches me to be a much better person and especially being the best mother I can to my precious children. Last edited by fantastic_3; Feb 24th, 2008 at 11:12 PM.

Feb 27th, 2008, 11:16 AM	#15
~bastet Member Location: Washington, DC	Re: I can't communicate with my mother Thank you everyone for your advice. JahpsonLoveYou, I think we have the same mother. Mine constantly says "everything you do reflects on me."