I am starting to resent my father...

sheishollywood · Sep 30th, 2008, 04:21 AM

Sorry if this is long! but thanks for anyone who is willing to read this and give me some insight. I really appreciate it.

I am so frustrated. I don't know what to do... On one hand I really need to get this off my chest, on another hand I really can't believe that I am saying this about my own father.

My dad, growing up was pretty good... he was always there for us and he made sure we always got taken to school and picked up from school. My dad grew up very well off... and he's always been in a situation where he was able to do anything he wanted but he has definitely shown our family a sense of LAZINESS in the last couple of years. He is not driven to do anything because he's always had it handed to him. I don't know what happened but he just changed. He almost became depressed and it's like he resents everyone around him. He has always been well off so when he started his own business he started off successful. Along the way there were some troubles with the extended family and he ended up traveling and doing his thing for a couple of years. Leaving my mom to work full time and care for us. My mom has ALWAYS worked. She never took time off even when we were growing up. But with the lifestyle that my father had made for us, it was difficult for my mom to uphold it on her own. They never separated or anything but all the weight was on her.

when I was in grade 6 they decided to sell our old house and move in with my grandma and grandpa because they weren't doing well on their own. This is my dad's mom. Her and I don't see eye to eye but I do my best to be as nice of a granddaughter as I can be. She is very cynical and rude and it is really difficult for me to force a smile on my face 24/7. When we moved in with my grandma my dad had taken on the responsibility to take care of her because she was unable to care for herself. We were also living with my grandfather at the time. In the last number of years my grandfather had passed away and my grandmother started to get worse.

I know a lot of the tension between my father and I was that when my other grandpa (the one from my mom's side) had passed away, I was noticeably upset. He was like another father to me... I think I probably loved him MORE than my own. He passed away in Feb of 05. My dad's father, my grandfather, that I was living with at the time passed away in Dec. 05 and for some reason, although there were times that I felt upset, most of the time I felt nothing. I didn't go out of my way to make it look like I wasn't upset. I was quiet and I tried to be as comforting to my dad as possible but I just didn't have that uncontrollable crying that I had with my other grandfather.

Well, back to the story with my dad... he gets upset pretty quickly. I've learned to shut my mouth when he is being unreasonable and just step aside. But it's to the point now where it's almost unbearable. He is hardly working anymore... and living off what his "success use to be" and basically leaving all the rest of the responsibility to my mom. She does EVERYTHING for my brother and I as my dad just sits around and watches. I understand that he spent the good chunk of his life working non-stop but it's been 10 years now since he's really picked it up and I can see the strain on my mom. It's not that they are in a bad place financially, it just feels like my mom doesn't have any help at all.

I recently started my new career and I know for my age and what I have achieved academically and career wise is light years beyond what others have done. My mom was so happy for me, but my dad... nothing. It was like HE CAN'T be happy for me because he's not happy himself.

When I tell him about stories of work or things that I have achieved or overcame, he brushes it off like it's no big deal. If I give him an idea, he puts his "insight" (and 9/10 times it's negative and putting me down) where he preaches and talks but he doesn't walk the walk.

He has so much bad energy around him. I am very close with one of my cousins and we decided that we are going to start a company together in 09. We want to build enough capital first... and when I brought it up to my mom her reaction was "I always knew you two were the most business savvy in our family. This will be exciting to watch... just know what you get into". My dad on the other hand had nothing but bad things to say about my cousin and how he "grew up". And I don't even know what his problem is. It's like, you cannot see others be more successful than you but YOU won't get off your ass and actually do something about it. I feel like I've lived a lie for the longest time about my father. It's like I am ashamed to say that although my dad has been successful before, that I feel and view him as a failure. I feel like when someone asks about my relationship with my father I have to say that it's great, knowing damn well that I ca hardly stand the man. I am not trying to sound conceded but I am 20, I started university right out of high school. I did it correspondence and started my career in marketing and sales. I am now 20 and is a senior account executive for a very well known broadcast group in Canada. I know that many people that I meet are shocked as to why I want to work so early or is working so hard to be something so young. Many people react to "wouldn't you just want to go party with your university friends". and honestly, I don't. A lot of people praise my parents for the way I have been brought up, but really I feel all the credit should go to my mom. I have told my dad that when someone asks how the heck that someone like me end up where I am, I always say that it's because my parents. And he just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. I feel like a LIE to say I look up to my dad.

The thing is, I want to bring this up to him. I want to lay it all on the line before it is too late and I resent him for the rest of my life. But I KNOW he is someone who cannot take this sort of criticism. Especially from his kid. He will get noticeably upset about it within the first minute and start interrupting me and turning it around so I feel the guilt. He's done it many times when he has overreacted and I tried to rationalize with him to make him see that I wasn't getting upset or anything so why is he upset? and he just turns the situation on me.

I'm done with telling my mom because I know it only makes her sad that my dad and I had such a bad relationship. We use to be so close and I use to the "daddy's girl" and now I can hardly stand to be around him.

I just don't know what to do...

nooch · Sep 30th, 2008, 04:39 AM

I know this is going to sound like a gross oversimplification (and to an extent it is) but ignore, ignore, ignore. You hit the nail on the head - misery loves company and he wants to be miserable with you. Don't let him drag you into his crap.

Something I learned a very long time ago with my mother is that if I expect nothing I cannot be disappointed. Expect nothing of your father, clearly he is too self-involved to truly be happy for a daughter of whom he should be amazingly proud.

sheishollywood · Sep 30th, 2008, 04:49 AM

Sometimes I feel like in my OWN selfish way that it's almost time for me selfish. I let him dictate the way we all feel around him and I know it's selfish on my end... and two wrongs do NOT make a right but I want to put him in his place.

The thing is, you're right... it's too self-involved. Who knows if the words I speak will even hit a nerve. All I know is that he will either shut off and ignore me, or get overly defensive and put the blame on me.

I feel like shouldn't the father be teaching his daughter wrong from right? Instead of me feeling like I've got to teach him wrong from right?

Lunaty · Sep 30th, 2008, 04:51 AM

I can relate to a lot of what your saying...
Myself, i have never really resented my father but have a big numbness towards him...

My mother and my father got divorced when i was three and it was a harsh break up. I have always had the opportunity to come visit my dad whenever i wanted but stayed most of my life at home with my mom.

My dad has always been a heavy drinker and he got admitted to the hospital for the first time when i was 6/7. He stayed there for a while as he needed a liver transplantation. When i turned 12 he got seriously ill (he was still drinking heavily) and needed a new liver again, this time it took a while to get it and it was very close or he would have died.

When ever i used to be at my dad's place we would always go to his standard bar and id sit in a corner with my hot choclate and magazine waitin gfor the night to pass to finally go home.

Of course there is a lot more to the story but he is one of the main reasons why i wanted to make something out of my life and why i now at 22 have a succesfull job (have worked straight out of school aswell etc) and own my own house.

You see you might resent him but in the end he has tought you a valuable lesson...
I think my dad finally had the currage to tell me he loved me 1,5 years ago.. when i left my Country to go to the man i loved on the opposit side of the world..

he is even coming over.. (god knows what im gonna do with that..) this october.. and it is quite francly a bit scary because i feel like i am having to take care of him and he has never done this for me...

Lunaty · Sep 30th, 2008, 04:54 AM

Let me add to that that he never suck a hand out or paid nor worked at any part of my life!!

sheishollywood · Sep 30th, 2008, 01:26 PM

Lunaty, Thanks a lot for your insight. I guess it's difficult to deal with sometimes because it's like he IS around. I see him everyday, yet he is OBLIVIOUS to everything that is going on around him. It feels like he's made me grow up so much quicker than everyone else (of course I don't regret it because I am happy where I am right now). But like you Lunaty, my father didn't pitch a hand in my development either. In the last couple of years I couldn't even ask him for help that didn't involve money or anything like that. He just would feel insecure and get upset again. Sometimes I use to get so angry when my work became a struggle. There were times when I didn't even think I would ever be successful. I wished that he could've helped me out instead of watching me struggle like that. But it was me, myself, and I who made myself succeed. And yet he goes on his day blind eyed. I feel a lot of pressure to make sure my brother turns out OK. My brother and I are very close and it also hurts me to see that he is starting to resent my father the way I do.

I am going to try and ignore because really anything else is only going to go in one ear and out the other. You're right, if there is one thing I AM thankful for is that he taught me to not be like him.

I just looked back at my life and my last two relationships, one of which was a longterm serious one that ended badly and the other one didn't even get to see half a year, I look back and both guys were JUST like my father. Couldn't handle me being more focused on my career than them, couldn't support me for my achievements, couldn't stand me moving higher than them so they try to put me down. They say that you always end up with someone like your father and I hope to god that I don't... I have realized that in recent patterns it has proven to be right but I really hope that I don't meet another person like him again.

stellamaried · Sep 30th, 2008, 01:46 PM

I agree with nooch. Honestly, I understand the impulse to have a long cathartic talk with him in which you try to make him understand how he's behaved and how his behavior has affected you, but I can almost guarantee it won't happen that way. He just won't be able to hear you, and you won't get the understanding you so want and need.

I know people talk a lot about going to therapy on this forum (and I include myself in this group!), but I personally think it's a great thing, and I recommend it to you. You need to find a way to make your own peace with the way your father is. He's not going to change, and the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you react to his behavior. It would also help you to examine the men in your past and to recognize similar behavior in new guys.

I wish you the best.

bagnshoofetish · Sep 30th, 2008, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheishollywood

....The thing is, I want to bring this up to him. I want to lay it all on the line before it is too late and I resent him for the rest of my life. But I KNOW he is someone who cannot take this sort of criticism. ...

Okay first off you gotta give your dad some kind of credit here. My moms personality was very similar to your dads. Nothing I did or achieved seemed to impress her, at least, she could not show it to me. My dad on the other hand was always praising me and encouraging me. Yet I still knew deep inside my mom was impressed as she would brag about me to her friends - I'm betting your dad does that too without you knowing it. Don't forget, it was his work and money that made it possible for you to get the education and opportunities you got to make you who you are today. Sure your mom probably got handed most of the load later but don't discredit what you dad did for you. He still helped raise you to a certain extent. It sounds like he might be going through a mid-life crisis compounded by the fact that his success didn't last. Thats hard for a man. You don't see this now because you are a young woman and dad is supposed to be Superman. Your father is human and probably does not feel very good about himself and has probably learned from his dad not to express your emotions or appear weak to anyone - its not his fault - this is the behavior he was taught. Did his father ever compliment him? Probably not. And he probably longed for that validation he will never get. Try to conjur up just a little compassion for him. Try to see his life as he might see it. He may be blinded by bitterness and might even feel like a failure by letting you down. Not everything is always as we see it. You have to walk in the other persons shoes.
As for confronting him, its a good idea if done respectfully and lovingly. Would you like a family member to just start laying into you and telling you how much you suck? Probably not. I would first begin by telling him all the positive things he has been in your life and how much you love him and that you would love to talk about some things that have perplexed you for years only because you love and want a better relationship with him. You catch more honey with flies than with vinegar. And be sure to ask him about what he's gone through, show a little compassion and concern for what he may be feeling inside. He might think no one cares and that you hate him. Thats heartbreaking for a parent. Remember this is not all about you - there are others here with feelings too. And know in advance you might not get everything out all in one sitting. This took years to build up, it might take years to repair. Father/daughter relationships are so special. Don't let yours fade away while you have the chance to make positive changes to it.

bagnshoofetish · Sep 30th, 2008, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheishollywood

I just looked back at my life and my last two relationships, one of which was a longterm serious one that ended badly and the other one didn't even get to see half a year, I look back and both guys were JUST like my father. .

there is a syndrome (don't ask me what its called) not so uncommon where a man or woman will often gravitate towards a person who is most like the parent they had problems with. its a subconcious effort to somehow try to rectify the relationship they had with the parent through them. These kinds of relationships are never easy ones. I know. I've done it too. Sometimes I even see some of my mom in the man I married so believe me its not that unusual.

Lululapell · Sep 30th, 2008, 02:15 PM

As a child of a raging, alcoholic father I can tell you first hand that nothing you say will ever change him. In fact, it will destroy whatever relationship you have with him to say anything.
What you need to do at this point is focus on healing yourself and moving on with your life. The only way I was ever able to move on was by handing all my anger over (to God - this is just me and I'm not promoting religion at all here) and then forgive him and realize that he will never change. You can write him a letter if you want and lay out your thoughts and feelings, but I'm sad to say it won't change him. It may make you feel better though and that is the whole point.
My point of no return was when he went off on my mom (who had divorced him finally after 30 years) to me on the phone and I laid into him. I told him exactly what it was like growing up with him, how he treated people, etc... After my 15 minute monologue, I felt liberated. Great! You know what his response was...., "Sorry you feel that way but...". At that moment I handed it over because I knew that no matter what I said to him, he would never change. He didn't want to. So was I going to spend my life being angry at him or was I going to admit who he was and move on? I chose to move on. And I'm a much better person for it.

Bagpuss · Sep 30th, 2008, 02:29 PM

Are you still living at home with them? Sometimes the parent/child relationship can be easily irritated just by the fact that you need to get away from them and totally into your own pursuits. In other words, his opinion loses it's effect when you aren't face to face with it on a daily basis.

lovinalotofbags · Sep 30th, 2008, 02:32 PM

They are right. There is nothing you can do. We cannot change others, only ourselves. He will always be your father and a part of him is in you. Share your joy with the family that appreciates it. Live your life to the fullest. Know that out of all that has happened, your parents, whether it is the majority of your mom, raised great children. That is his life to live, not yours.

abbygirl · Sep 30th, 2008, 05:11 PM

I think it is important and can be the start of a healing process if you did talk to him and get it all out in the open. I will say that in order to do that without him interupting you, you can either write him a letter, or better yet, do a video so that he can see himself your heartfelt need to repair the relationship.

I believe wholeheartedly that it is very theraputic for one to get things off their chest. Once you have done that, you will feel as though a ton of bricks were lifted off your shoulders. It will be up to him as to how your relationship proceeds after that. But you know you did what YOU could to repair it.

I wish you much luck and prayers.

gitwenty5 · Oct 1st, 2008, 01:34 AM

i realized that those who come from "good" families will never understand the type of struggles those of us who came from more dysfunctional families struggle with a long time ago. The media and everyone will always try to tell you "they are your parents at the end of the day" and "things will work out". The truth is, things don't work out, and we are all left to our own to battle our own demons...

my father is just like your father, OP, except my mother... is the exact same. We lived off the surpluses of my relatives....

i moved out this year because of my dysfunctional parents. Granted, i didn't confront my dad, we keep a close relationship. my mother forced me to love her (shes' a super attention seeker) and it lead to a big, nasty blowout. time will do its job in mending scars, but i will not force anything to be resolved.

irish_clover · Oct 1st, 2008, 03:04 AM

I don't really have any advice sorry but I would just try to ignore him as hard as it may be. he is never going to listen no matter what so you would just be wasting your energy.

Sep 30th, 2008, 04:21 AM	#1
sheishollywood INDEPENDENTBYCHOICE Location: Vancouver	I am starting to resent my father... Sorry if this is long! but thanks for anyone who is willing to read this and give me some insight. I really appreciate it. I am so frustrated. I don't know what to do... On one hand I really need to get this off my chest, on another hand I really can't believe that I am saying this about my own father. My dad, growing up was pretty good... he was always there for us and he made sure we always got taken to school and picked up from school. My dad grew up very well off... and he's always been in a situation where he was able to do anything he wanted but he has definitely shown our family a sense of LAZINESS in the last couple of years. He is not driven to do anything because he's always had it handed to him. I don't know what happened but he just changed. He almost became depressed and it's like he resents everyone around him. He has always been well off so when he started his own business he started off successful. Along the way there were some troubles with the extended family and he ended up traveling and doing his thing for a couple of years. Leaving my mom to work full time and care for us. My mom has ALWAYS worked. She never took time off even when we were growing up. But with the lifestyle that my father had made for us, it was difficult for my mom to uphold it on her own. They never separated or anything but all the weight was on her. when I was in grade 6 they decided to sell our old house and move in with my grandma and grandpa because they weren't doing well on their own. This is my dad's mom. Her and I don't see eye to eye but I do my best to be as nice of a granddaughter as I can be. She is very cynical and rude and it is really difficult for me to force a smile on my face 24/7. When we moved in with my grandma my dad had taken on the responsibility to take care of her because she was unable to care for herself. We were also living with my grandfather at the time. In the last number of years my grandfather had passed away and my grandmother started to get worse. I know a lot of the tension between my father and I was that when my other grandpa (the one from my mom's side) had passed away, I was noticeably upset. He was like another father to me... I think I probably loved him MORE than my own. He passed away in Feb of 05. My dad's father, my grandfather, that I was living with at the time passed away in Dec. 05 and for some reason, although there were times that I felt upset, most of the time I felt nothing. I didn't go out of my way to make it look like I wasn't upset. I was quiet and I tried to be as comforting to my dad as possible but I just didn't have that uncontrollable crying that I had with my other grandfather. Well, back to the story with my dad... he gets upset pretty quickly. I've learned to shut my mouth when he is being unreasonable and just step aside. But it's to the point now where it's almost unbearable. He is hardly working anymore... and living off what his "success use to be" and basically leaving all the rest of the responsibility to my mom. She does EVERYTHING for my brother and I as my dad just sits around and watches. I understand that he spent the good chunk of his life working non-stop but it's been 10 years now since he's really picked it up and I can see the strain on my mom. It's not that they are in a bad place financially, it just feels like my mom doesn't have any help at all. I recently started my new career and I know for my age and what I have achieved academically and career wise is light years beyond what others have done. My mom was so happy for me, but my dad... nothing. It was like HE CAN'T be happy for me because he's not happy himself. When I tell him about stories of work or things that I have achieved or overcame, he brushes it off like it's no big deal. If I give him an idea, he puts his "insight" (and 9/10 times it's negative and putting me down) where he preaches and talks but he doesn't walk the walk. He has so much bad energy around him. I am very close with one of my cousins and we decided that we are going to start a company together in 09. We want to build enough capital first... and when I brought it up to my mom her reaction was "I always knew you two were the most business savvy in our family. This will be exciting to watch... just know what you get into". My dad on the other hand had nothing but bad things to say about my cousin and how he "grew up". And I don't even know what his problem is. It's like, you cannot see others be more successful than you but YOU won't get off your ass and actually do something about it. I feel like I've lived a lie for the longest time about my father. It's like I am ashamed to say that although my dad has been successful before, that I feel and view him as a failure. I feel like when someone asks about my relationship with my father I have to say that it's great, knowing damn well that I ca hardly stand the man. I am not trying to sound conceded but I am 20, I started university right out of high school. I did it correspondence and started my career in marketing and sales. I am now 20 and is a senior account executive for a very well known broadcast group in Canada. I know that many people that I meet are shocked as to why I want to work so early or is working so hard to be something so young. Many people react to "wouldn't you just want to go party with your university friends". and honestly, I don't. A lot of people praise my parents for the way I have been brought up, but really I feel all the credit should go to my mom. I have told my dad that when someone asks how the heck that someone like me end up where I am, I always say that it's because my parents. And he just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. I feel like a LIE to say I look up to my dad. The thing is, I want to bring this up to him. I want to lay it all on the line before it is too late and I resent him for the rest of my life. But I KNOW he is someone who cannot take this sort of criticism. Especially from his kid. He will get noticeably upset about it within the first minute and start interrupting me and turning it around so I feel the guilt. He's done it many times when he has overreacted and I tried to rationalize with him to make him see that I wasn't getting upset or anything so why is he upset? and he just turns the situation on me. I'm done with telling my mom because I know it only makes her sad that my dad and I had such a bad relationship. We use to be so close and I use to the "daddy's girl" and now I can hardly stand to be around him. I just don't know what to do... __________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it" Wishlist 2009 [ ] Marc Jacobs - Airliner Jacquard Pilot Bag [x]Trip to NYC [ ] Gucci - Joy Tote, Medium Lilac [ ]Chanel - Quilted Jumbo Flap Bag [x] Trip to Vegas Last edited by sheishollywood; Sep 30th, 2008 at 04:27 AM.

Sep 30th, 2008, 04:39 AM	#2
nooch bubblehead Location: new mexico via BROOKLYN NY	I know this is going to sound like a gross oversimplification (and to an extent it is) but ignore, ignore, ignore. You hit the nail on the head - misery loves company and he wants to be miserable with you. Don't let him drag you into his crap. Something I learned a very long time ago with my mother is that if I expect nothing I cannot be disappointed. Expect nothing of your father, clearly he is too self-involved to truly be happy for a daughter of whom he should be amazingly proud. __________________ FAT AND FABULOUS! CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK NOT THE WAY YOU LOOK! http://www.natreasures.com Authentic American Indian jewelry & crafts All orders ship free PM me for discount codes

Sep 30th, 2008, 04:49 AM	#3
sheishollywood INDEPENDENTBYCHOICE Location: Vancouver	Sometimes I feel like in my OWN selfish way that it's almost time for me selfish. I let him dictate the way we all feel around him and I know it's selfish on my end... and two wrongs do NOT make a right but I want to put him in his place. The thing is, you're right... it's too self-involved. Who knows if the words I speak will even hit a nerve. All I know is that he will either shut off and ignore me, or get overly defensive and put the blame on me. I feel like shouldn't the father be teaching his daughter wrong from right? Instead of me feeling like I've got to teach him wrong from right? __________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it" Wishlist 2009 [ ] Marc Jacobs - Airliner Jacquard Pilot Bag [x]Trip to NYC [ ] Gucci - Joy Tote, Medium Lilac [ ]Chanel - Quilted Jumbo Flap Bag [x] Trip to Vegas

Sep 30th, 2008, 04:51 AM	#4
Lunaty Loving purses Location: New Zealand & Holland	I can relate to a lot of what your saying... Myself, i have never really resented my father but have a big numbness towards him... My mother and my father got divorced when i was three and it was a harsh break up. I have always had the opportunity to come visit my dad whenever i wanted but stayed most of my life at home with my mom. My dad has always been a heavy drinker and he got admitted to the hospital for the first time when i was 6/7. He stayed there for a while as he needed a liver transplantation. When i turned 12 he got seriously ill (he was still drinking heavily) and needed a new liver again, this time it took a while to get it and it was very close or he would have died. When ever i used to be at my dad's place we would always go to his standard bar and id sit in a corner with my hot choclate and magazine waitin gfor the night to pass to finally go home. Of course there is a lot more to the story but he is one of the main reasons why i wanted to make something out of my life and why i now at 22 have a succesfull job (have worked straight out of school aswell etc) and own my own house. You see you might resent him but in the end he has tought you a valuable lesson... I think my dad finally had the currage to tell me he loved me 1,5 years ago.. when i left my Country to go to the man i loved on the opposit side of the world.. he is even coming over.. (god knows what im gonna do with that..) this october.. and it is quite francly a bit scary because i feel like i am having to take care of him and he has never done this for me... __________________ Wish list : Tod's Woven Day bag(have my eyes set on one ) Unidentified Chanel from SATC (Metallic Chanel tote worn by Carrie )

Sep 30th, 2008, 04:54 AM	#5
Lunaty Loving purses Location: New Zealand & Holland	Let me add to that that he never suck a hand out or paid nor worked at any part of my life!! __________________ Wish list : Tod's Woven Day bag(have my eyes set on one ) Unidentified Chanel from SATC (Metallic Chanel tote worn by Carrie )

Sep 30th, 2008, 01:26 PM	#6
sheishollywood INDEPENDENTBYCHOICE Location: Vancouver	Lunaty, Thanks a lot for your insight. I guess it's difficult to deal with sometimes because it's like he IS around. I see him everyday, yet he is OBLIVIOUS to everything that is going on around him. It feels like he's made me grow up so much quicker than everyone else (of course I don't regret it because I am happy where I am right now). But like you Lunaty, my father didn't pitch a hand in my development either. In the last couple of years I couldn't even ask him for help that didn't involve money or anything like that. He just would feel insecure and get upset again. Sometimes I use to get so angry when my work became a struggle. There were times when I didn't even think I would ever be successful. I wished that he could've helped me out instead of watching me struggle like that. But it was me, myself, and I who made myself succeed. And yet he goes on his day blind eyed. I feel a lot of pressure to make sure my brother turns out OK. My brother and I are very close and it also hurts me to see that he is starting to resent my father the way I do. I am going to try and ignore because really anything else is only going to go in one ear and out the other. You're right, if there is one thing I AM thankful for is that he taught me to not be like him. I just looked back at my life and my last two relationships, one of which was a longterm serious one that ended badly and the other one didn't even get to see half a year, I look back and both guys were JUST like my father. Couldn't handle me being more focused on my career than them, couldn't support me for my achievements, couldn't stand me moving higher than them so they try to put me down. They say that you always end up with someone like your father and I hope to god that I don't... I have realized that in recent patterns it has proven to be right but I really hope that I don't meet another person like him again. __________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it" Wishlist 2009 [ ] Marc Jacobs - Airliner Jacquard Pilot Bag [x]Trip to NYC [ ] Gucci - Joy Tote, Medium Lilac [ ]Chanel - Quilted Jumbo Flap Bag [x] Trip to Vegas Last edited by sheishollywood; Sep 30th, 2008 at 01:30 PM.

Sep 30th, 2008, 01:46 PM	#7
stellamaried Happy Happy Joy Joy	I agree with nooch. Honestly, I understand the impulse to have a long cathartic talk with him in which you try to make him understand how he's behaved and how his behavior has affected you, but I can almost guarantee it won't happen that way. He just won't be able to hear you, and you won't get the understanding you so want and need. I know people talk a lot about going to therapy on this forum (and I include myself in this group!), but I personally think it's a great thing, and I recommend it to you. You need to find a way to make your own peace with the way your father is. He's not going to change, and the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you react to his behavior. It would also help you to examine the men in your past and to recognize similar behavior in new guys. I wish you the best.

Sep 30th, 2008, 02:15 PM	#10
Lululapell Member Location: Utopia	As a child of a raging, alcoholic father I can tell you first hand that nothing you say will ever change him. In fact, it will destroy whatever relationship you have with him to say anything. What you need to do at this point is focus on healing yourself and moving on with your life. The only way I was ever able to move on was by handing all my anger over (to God - this is just me and I'm not promoting religion at all here) and then forgive him and realize that he will never change. You can write him a letter if you want and lay out your thoughts and feelings, but I'm sad to say it won't change him. It may make you feel better though and that is the whole point. My point of no return was when he went off on my mom (who had divorced him finally after 30 years) to me on the phone and I laid into him. I told him exactly what it was like growing up with him, how he treated people, etc... After my 15 minute monologue, I felt liberated. Great! You know what his response was...., "Sorry you feel that way but...". At that moment I handed it over because I knew that no matter what I said to him, he would never change. He didn't want to. So was I going to spend my life being angry at him or was I going to admit who he was and move on? I chose to move on. And I'm a much better person for it. __________________ BANNED and Currently Coveting: RM Nikki in kelly green (ORDERED!) 06 Chanel Bleu Fonce Lambskin Bal Sapphire Day Bal Sanguine Pom Bal Mandarin First Chanel Large Brown Tote (BOUGHT 11/2/08) Bal Sahara Step (BOUGHT 10/21/08)

Sep 30th, 2008, 02:29 PM	#11
Bagpuss Purseaholic	Are you still living at home with them? Sometimes the parent/child relationship can be easily irritated just by the fact that you need to get away from them and totally into your own pursuits. In other words, his opinion loses it's effect when you aren't face to face with it on a daily basis.

Sep 30th, 2008, 02:32 PM	#12
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	They are right. There is nothing you can do. We cannot change others, only ourselves. He will always be your father and a part of him is in you. Share your joy with the family that appreciates it. Live your life to the fullest. Know that out of all that has happened, your parents, whether it is the majority of your mom, raised great children. That is his life to live, not yours. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Sep 30th, 2008, 05:11 PM	#13
abbygirl Member	I think it is important and can be the start of a healing process if you did talk to him and get it all out in the open. I will say that in order to do that without him interupting you, you can either write him a letter, or better yet, do a video so that he can see himself your heartfelt need to repair the relationship. I believe wholeheartedly that it is very theraputic for one to get things off their chest. Once you have done that, you will feel as though a ton of bricks were lifted off your shoulders. It will be up to him as to how your relationship proceeds after that. But you know you did what YOU could to repair it. I wish you much luck and prayers. __________________ I love my tpf friends

Oct 1st, 2008, 01:34 AM	#14
gitwenty5 Member Location: Hong Kong	i realized that those who come from "good" families will never understand the type of struggles those of us who came from more dysfunctional families struggle with a long time ago. The media and everyone will always try to tell you "they are your parents at the end of the day" and "things will work out". The truth is, things don't work out, and we are all left to our own to battle our own demons... my father is just like your father, OP, except my mother... is the exact same. We lived off the surpluses of my relatives.... i moved out this year because of my dysfunctional parents. Granted, i didn't confront my dad, we keep a close relationship. my mother forced me to love her (shes' a super attention seeker) and it lead to a big, nasty blowout. time will do its job in mending scars, but i will not force anything to be resolved.

Oct 1st, 2008, 03:04 AM	#15
irish_clover Member Location: Vancouver BC	I don't really have any advice sorry but I would just try to ignore him as hard as it may be. he is never going to listen no matter what so you would just be wasting your energy.