I am starting to resent my father...

rainrowan · Oct 1st, 2008, 11:34 AM

If it's as dysfunctional as you describe it, he's not going to change and in fact if confronted, it can turn out very painful for everyone involved. We've tried confronting my father and it is truly devastating because he turns on each one of us who speaks out, all the siblings including our spouses and children, leaving a path of broken hearts

All I can say is I totally empathize with you. My relationship with my father is the same; he basically crushed all my efforts at any art career. And of course to please him, I gave up all my desires in the hopes he would love/respect me a little. To this day he does not know what I sacrificed as a daughter/individual. My father would not help with my college applications either (had to give up the art scholarship). I had to rely on myself through sheer effort and concentration to get myself through college without his help, and I did. Then after that, he basically kicked me out of the house and told me to drop dead b/c he couldn't stand to see me move ahead in my life. And all my subsequent relationships and working relationships involved men that were of that narcissistic nature, probably b/c I kept wanting to recreate my history and make it right my way.

The only thing I could do was distance, distance, distance myself in order that I could regain some normalcy in my life. And if we did come face to face, there was always a psychological price to pay. He never cared to ask what I eventually settled down to do, nor did he care to know where I lived or how to get in touch with me. Nowadays I talk to him on the phone at my mother's pleading, but I have this complete and utter surge of numbness come over me when I deal with him. It's always a monologue with him. I just can't be there 100%. I am the proverbial wounded but devoted daughter and feel I'm just in a play.

As for insights.... try to understand your father, but you don't have to let him bring you down. Never let this happen. Your father doesn't seem to love himself, how could he possibly KNOW how to truly love others without the cruelty? I wouldn't recommend confronting him, I'd recommend something along the lines of an "offering" every week or month of a dinner out or something that pleases him like tickets to a game or gifts or whatever just to soften him a bit to how much you want to care about him without having to be completely vested in his opinions about them. I'm sure you do care and it hasn't gotten to the point of no return yet. All you can do is try your best. Just don't let him bring you down, dear. You are worth so much more than another person's moods.

risingsun · Oct 1st, 2008, 11:42 AM

Writing a letter sounds like a good idea; however, it's important that you have realistic expectations. If you want to tell him about your feelings for your own peace of mind--that's realistic. If you are hoping that he will understand or apologize or change--that's not realistic. Just be sure that you are fully prepared for him to ignore you, get angry or possibly become more difficult. It would be great if something good came out of this. If finally sharing your feelings and experiences would be enough, and you are prepared for the potential consequences, then you are ready to do this for yourself.

sheishollywood · Oct 1st, 2008, 06:33 PM

Thanks for all your insights. I read through them probably about 5 times each. I think you're all right... he's not going to change and as much as I'd love to see the change, I can't force it. He's been "built" a certain way, and yes, he probably doesn't love himself and is hurt that his own daughter resents him.

Although I've tried to make an effort to say, "I love you" on a daily basis and try to start conversation with him... what I will do is lay it all off. I won't make anymore effort and I will distance myself so he CAN'T hurt me anymore. If this hits a nerve for him than many that will strike him to change. I'm not doing this out of spite but I think the more that I try and the more he just brushes me off will just cut the wound deeper and deeper.

chessmont · Oct 1st, 2008, 09:04 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are going through; I have resentful and numb feelings towards me parents so I really can empathise.

I think you should move out if you are still at home (sorry if I missed that ,it seemed you are still at home). It sounds like you are savvy, smart, and mature enough to live on your own,

I agree with the other P's who say he is miserable so he wants to bring everyone down with him.

I honestly don't think confrontation or writing a letter will do a thing - unless you say it or hand it to him as you are walking out the door for good - it won't change him, but it might make you feel empowered.

I wish your dad would realize he needs to get some psychological help, but so many people (often men) won't do it because then they have to admit they have a problem.

abbygirl · Oct 2nd, 2008, 07:37 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VH3p_wY1eY

This song is called "the greatest man I never knew" about a dad.

Cristina · Oct 2nd, 2008, 08:10 PM

sheishollywood - First off, I empathize with you utterly and completely. My dad and I sometimes have a troubled relationship. Even now, I'm 26 years old, and he and I still have our spats sometimes.

This may sound trite, and I do not mean it that way at all, but have you talked to a professional about this, such as a counselor? Your dad may refuse help, but that does not mean that you have to suffer for it. Through counseling and talking to a professional about your feelings, you can learn different ways to process the resentment you feel toward him. It's very difficult, I'll be the first to admit it. Sometimes I see a lot of my father in myself, which scares the hell out of me. Throughout high school and my freshman year of college I was involved in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. The guy was identical to my father.

At this point, you should not concentrate on what your father can do to fix himself. You have to work on you and your own happiness and well being. If that means leaving the house and talking to a counselor, then that's the plan. You should be priority number one.

sheishollywood · Oct 2nd, 2008, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abbygirl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VH3p_wY1eY

This song is called "the greatest man I never knew" about a dad.

this song made me cry...! But Reba has such a gorgeous voice. Thank you.

sheishollywood · Oct 2nd, 2008, 10:01 PM

Thanks Cristina. I have thought about it... I guess my kind of therapy for me has been piling up work to do. I work about 60 hours a week at my full-time job. Then I volunteer for an international business association. And I am also doing my degree. And sometimes it's hard to find the time (I know, bad excuse) to slow down and sit and talk about myself.

I had this realization a few months back about the men who were in my life and the relationships I've had and it scared the living crap out of me too.

I guess in a way when I talk about it my anger turns into sadness and then sadness goes back into anger. Because it's always, "you've got to consider what he may be going through" or "try to understand how your father feels". But I get so angry at this man who is suppose to protect me from pain the world is the one causing most of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cristina

sheishollywood - First off, I empathize with you utterly and completely. My dad and I sometimes have a troubled relationship. Even now, I'm 26 years old, and he and I still have our spats sometimes.

This may sound trite, and I do not mean it that way at all, but have you talked to a professional about this, such as a counselor? Your dad may refuse help, but that does not mean that you have to suffer for it. Through counseling and talking to a professional about your feelings, you can learn different ways to process the resentment you feel toward him. It's very difficult, I'll be the first to admit it. Sometimes I see a lot of my father in myself, which scares the hell out of me. Throughout high school and my freshman year of college I was involved in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. The guy was identical to my father.

At this point, you should not concentrate on what your father can do to fix himself. You have to work on you and your own happiness and well being. If that means leaving the house and talking to a counselor, then that's the plan. You should be priority number one.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheishollywood

......... it's always, "you've got to consider what he may be going through" or "try to understand how your father feels". But I get so angry at this man who is suppose to protect me from pain the world is the one causing most of it.

Still, not to diminish the pain he has caused you, that is putting a lot of pressure on him. He is still only human. I hate to sound like a broken record here and I'll probably get a lot of this

because I have said it so many times before but its true; Hurt People Hurt People. Even if they are family members. Think about it. Who protected your father from pain? It just sounds like he does not have the emotional tools to give you what you need. It would be great if he got some help. But till he does, sometimes the child is the one who ends up being the catalyst. It doesn't really matter who helps who - be it the parent helping the child or the child helping the parent. You all love each other and thats all that matters in the end. I know I am being the devils advocate here but I'm just one of those people who would rather see families mend fences then build more walls. He is your one and only dad. He's all you get. Fight for him.

sheishollywood · Oct 6th, 2008, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

Still, not to diminish the pain he has caused you, that is putting a lot of pressure on him. He is still only human. I hate to sound like a broken record here and I'll probably get a lot of this

because I have said it so many times before but its true; Hurt People Hurt People. Even if they are family members. Think about it. Who protected your father from pain? It just sounds like he does not have the emotional tools to give you what you need. It would be great if he got some help. But till he does, sometimes the child is the one who ends up being the catalyst. It doesn't really matter who helps who - be it the parent helping the child or the child helping the parent. You all love each other and thats all that matters in the end. I know I am being the devils advocate here but I'm just one of those people who would rather see families mend fences then build more walls. He is your one and only dad. He's all you get. Fight for him.

It took me a couple of days to absorb this... but you're right. He is hurting and it's difficult for him to be there for us when he's challenging his own stress and weight.

Although there is still some sort of resentment and I cannot just get over it that quickly... I do have to push myself to know that if he could have things different, he would...

Oct 1st, 2008, 06:33 PM	#18
sheishollywood INDEPENDENTBYCHOICE Location: Vancouver	Thanks for all your insights. I read through them probably about 5 times each. I think you're all right... he's not going to change and as much as I'd love to see the change, I can't force it. He's been "built" a certain way, and yes, he probably doesn't love himself and is hurt that his own daughter resents him. Although I've tried to make an effort to say, "I love you" on a daily basis and try to start conversation with him... what I will do is lay it all off. I won't make anymore effort and I will distance myself so he CAN'T hurt me anymore. If this hits a nerve for him than many that will strike him to change. I'm not doing this out of spite but I think the more that I try and the more he just brushes me off will just cut the wound deeper and deeper. __________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it" Wishlist 2009 [ ] Marc Jacobs - Airliner Jacquard Pilot Bag [x]Trip to NYC [ ] Gucci - Joy Tote, Medium Lilac [ ]Chanel - Quilted Jumbo Flap Bag [x] Trip to Vegas

Oct 2nd, 2008, 07:37 PM	#20
abbygirl Member	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VH3p_wY1eY This song is called "the greatest man I never knew" about a dad. __________________ I love my tpf friends

Oct 2nd, 2008, 08:10 PM	#21
Cristina Location: South Florida	sheishollywood - First off, I empathize with you utterly and completely. My dad and I sometimes have a troubled relationship. Even now, I'm 26 years old, and he and I still have our spats sometimes. This may sound trite, and I do not mean it that way at all, but have you talked to a professional about this, such as a counselor? Your dad may refuse help, but that does not mean that you have to suffer for it. Through counseling and talking to a professional about your feelings, you can learn different ways to process the resentment you feel toward him. It's very difficult, I'll be the first to admit it. Sometimes I see a lot of my father in myself, which scares the hell out of me. Throughout high school and my freshman year of college I was involved in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. The guy was identical to my father. At this point, you should not concentrate on what your father can do to fix himself. You have to work on you and your own happiness and well being. If that means leaving the house and talking to a counselor, then that's the plan. You should be priority number one. __________________ that's right, i've got a floor so what? so what? so what? - nofx

Oct 1st, 2008, 11:34 AM	#16
rainrowan INFJ	If it's as dysfunctional as you describe it, he's not going to change and in fact if confronted, it can turn out very painful for everyone involved. We've tried confronting my father and it is truly devastating because he turns on each one of us who speaks out, all the siblings including our spouses and children, leaving a path of broken hearts All I can say is I totally empathize with you. My relationship with my father is the same; he basically crushed all my efforts at any art career. And of course to please him, I gave up all my desires in the hopes he would love/respect me a little. To this day he does not know what I sacrificed as a daughter/individual. My father would not help with my college applications either (had to give up the art scholarship). I had to rely on myself through sheer effort and concentration to get myself through college without his help, and I did. Then after that, he basically kicked me out of the house and told me to drop dead b/c he couldn't stand to see me move ahead in my life. And all my subsequent relationships and working relationships involved men that were of that narcissistic nature, probably b/c I kept wanting to recreate my history and make it right my way. The only thing I could do was distance, distance, distance myself in order that I could regain some normalcy in my life. And if we did come face to face, there was always a psychological price to pay. He never cared to ask what I eventually settled down to do, nor did he care to know where I lived or how to get in touch with me. Nowadays I talk to him on the phone at my mother's pleading, but I have this complete and utter surge of numbness come over me when I deal with him. It's always a monologue with him. I just can't be there 100%. I am the proverbial wounded but devoted daughter and feel I'm just in a play. As for insights.... try to understand your father, but you don't have to let him bring you down. Never let this happen. Your father doesn't seem to love himself, how could he possibly KNOW how to truly love others without the cruelty? I wouldn't recommend confronting him, I'd recommend something along the lines of an "offering" every week or month of a dinner out or something that pleases him like tickets to a game or gifts or whatever just to soften him a bit to how much you want to care about him without having to be completely vested in his opinions about them. I'm sure you do care and it hasn't gotten to the point of no return yet. All you can do is try your best. Just don't let him bring you down, dear. You are worth so much more than another person's moods.

Oct 1st, 2008, 11:42 AM	#17
risingsun Member Location: Virginia	Writing a letter sounds like a good idea; however, it's important that you have realistic expectations. If you want to tell him about your feelings for your own peace of mind--that's realistic. If you are hoping that he will understand or apologize or change--that's not realistic. Just be sure that you are fully prepared for him to ignore you, get angry or possibly become more difficult. It would be great if something good came out of this. If finally sharing your feelings and experiences would be enough, and you are prepared for the potential consequences, then you are ready to do this for yourself.

Oct 1st, 2008, 09:04 PM	#19
chessmont Member Location: CA, USA	I'm so sorry for what you are going through; I have resentful and numb feelings towards me parents so I really can empathise. I think you should move out if you are still at home (sorry if I missed that ,it seemed you are still at home). It sounds like you are savvy, smart, and mature enough to live on your own, I agree with the other P's who say he is miserable so he wants to bring everyone down with him. I honestly don't think confrontation or writing a letter will do a thing - unless you say it or hand it to him as you are walking out the door for good - it won't change him, but it might make you feel empowered. I wish your dad would realize he needs to get some psychological help, but so many people (often men) won't do it because then they have to admit they have a problem.