[gina8521]

I usually don't post anything very personal on here, but I am so full of &^%%@%^ right now I think I'm going to explode. Long story short..... my husband is a pilot of personal corporate jets. His schedule right now is 2 weeks on (meaning gone for 2 weeks) & 1 week home. Ever since I have known him/been married to him he has had some variation of this schedule, even working for different companies. He says "that's just the schedule that goes along with this job." I have always hated the schedule. Being a nurse, whenever I was working I always knew my schedule a month in advance.

Now the REAL problem. We have a son who is almost 3, who is such a daddy's boy. I barely exist when dad is around *L*. My son is missing daddy so much when he leaves for his rotation. When daddy is gone, my son has trouble sleeping, waking in the night crying almost every night. He constantly says "my daddy is not here" or asks "daddy is coming home today?" He also acts up when daddy is gone. I know it is just his reaction to missing his dad, but man, sometimes it is all I can do to put up with his fits.

Tonight, I put my son to bed at 8:30 pm, and now, at after midnight, he is still upstairs crying for daddy. I have tried to comfort him, & it works for a bit, but not long. It is breaking my heart. I can tell him that daddy is at work & that daddy won't be home today, but he is 2 and I don't think he has a full understanding. He just knows he misses daddy.

I have tried to talk to my husband about how his job is affecting our son, but I think he just tunes me out because he is tired of hearing me *itch about his job. I just don't think his job is very conducive to having a family. He loves flying though & doesn't want to do anything else.

This is just the short story, we have been going around & around for ages about my dislike for his job. Now though, I feel like our child is suffering because of it. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm tired of hearing my son cry tonight, & I just want to go to sleep.

I know I sound like a terrible mom & a terrible wife.

I'm just ranting.....

[VPT]

My friend used to have this problem as her little princess was nutz about daddy. He was a fighter pilot and used to be overseas for like 3, 6, or 9 months at a go, and their girl will just go berserk... until she realized how much her own mother is missing her daddy too.

[gillianna]

My friend's daughter has a husband who travels and her daughter is almost 3 and a daddy's girl who would act up each time daddy is away. He is usually gone 1-2 weeks and then home for one to two weeks. My friend sometimes watches her grand daughter and says the crying at night just does not stop. So the next time she came over she bought a huge wall calender. Really big. She put the days her dad was gone in yellow and drew hearts when he would be home. Each yellow day the little girl had to draw hugs and kisses in the calender and make a picture to put in a special folder. Now when daddy comes home he has to give her hugs and kisses for each day he was gone and he has a book of pictures to look at. It kind of helped make her understand daddy would be home in XX amount of days and it did help so much with not crying for daddy all the time. Her mom hung the calender in the family room and every night they have to cross out a date and draw a picture. Something like this might help.
Her mother also had her husband read some bedtime stories on tape and she plays them for her daughter at night. I thought this was a great idea. He tells her it's time to go to sleep and have sweet dreams and about all the fun they will have when he comes back home.

[helium]

That was me when I was little. My mum moved to America, without any friends, doesn't know a word of English, and I was always crying for dad who lived in China.

I hate to use the word 'favourite', but now, and a year into just living with my mum only I am much, much closer to my mum now. It takes time, but hang in there. I don't know what you could possibly do to make the situation better. My mum said she was so close to a mental breakdown because I was always crying for my dad, but we turned out ok.

Hugs to you.

[LadyLinda]

Children go through stages as they grow up. Around 3 years is when they get really insecure about their parents. As infants and very young toddlers, they don't quite grasp how very dependent they are on their parents, and they also don't have a strong sense of time, so aren't truly aware of how much time passes between when they see their parents. But around 3 years, they suddenly realize, "Whoa! Daddy's gone a LONG time! Is this bad? Will he come back?" This is new to them, and it scares them.

Be patient. Be supportive. Your son will cope with this as well as you and your husband do. If you get upset, your son thinks there's something to be upset about, and that scares him more. If you treat it as normal, and make Daddy's returns normal and reassuring--not superspecial occasions, but solid, normal, fun occasions--then he'll settle back down. He'll come to realize, "Okay, I get it now. Daddy goes away, and Mommy's all right, and so am I."

Your poor husband, too, probably feels very bad right now. He might be thinking he's letting down his child (which he isn't, because he's providing for him same as he ever has) and also his wife, who's unhappy with him. He may not know what to do, especially if he loves his job AND his family. Men don't always have the exact same perspective on what "caring for their family" means as does a woman, or the mother who has to deal with the hour by hour care of children. I know how difficult this can be because I practically raised my children alone due to a husband who spent very long hours at work. He literally seldom saw his children except when they were asleep until they became teens. You have a situation that's different from probably most couples who raise children together--and eventually your son will have very different issues about his absent father (not attending his big Little League game, perhaps, or being there when he has some problem or other), but for now, he'll be okay once he realizes Daddy's trips are normal and his world solid. It just might take a little while before that sinks in.

I hope you can all support each other through this adjustment in your child's evolving relationship with you (and the world around him). Growing up is such a challenge! You and your husband can do it.

[Jahpson]

Yikes!! what a situation to be in.

But what can you do? or your husband do? His job is what put meals on the table.

I also agree that your son will cope with this and hopefully understand that parents have to work.

Tell your husband that when he comes home (after he has had some rest because im sure he is very tired) to spend more time with his son. Maybe talk to him and explain his job.

[~Fabulousity~]

That's tough, maybe you should have your DH explain to your son before he leaves for long periods that he's going to work but loves him very much and will be home soon. Also maybe your DH can call more often so your son can hear his voice.

[gacats]

Originally Posted by gillianna

My friend's daughter has a husband who travels and her daughter is almost 3 and a daddy's girl who would act up each time daddy is away. He is usually gone 1-2 weeks and then home for one to two weeks. My friend sometimes watches her grand daughter and says the crying at night just does not stop. So the next time she came over she bought a huge wall calender. Really big. She put the days her dad was gone in yellow and drew hearts when he would be home. Each yellow day the little girl had to draw hugs and kisses in the calender and make a picture to put in a special folder. Now when daddy comes home he has to give her hugs and kisses for each day he was gone and he has a book of pictures to look at. It kind of helped make her understand daddy would be home in XX amount of days and it did help so much with not crying for daddy all the time. Her mom hung the calender in the family room and every night they have to cross out a date and draw a picture. Something like this might help.
Her mother also had her husband read some bedtime stories on tape and she plays them for her daughter at night. I thought this was a great idea. He tells her it's time to go to sleep and have sweet dreams and about all the fun they will have when he comes back home.

I like this suggestion. Can't hurt.

[merika]

Originally Posted by gillianna

My friend's daughter has a husband who travels and her daughter is almost 3 and a daddy's girl who would act up each time daddy is away. He is usually gone 1-2 weeks and then home for one to two weeks. My friend sometimes watches her grand daughter and says the crying at night just does not stop. So the next time she came over she bought a huge wall calender. Really big. She put the days her dad was gone in yellow and drew hearts when he would be home. Each yellow day the little girl had to draw hugs and kisses in the calender and make a picture to put in a special folder. Now when daddy comes home he has to give her hugs and kisses for each day he was gone and he has a book of pictures to look at. It kind of helped make her understand daddy would be home in XX amount of days and it did help so much with not crying for daddy all the time. Her mom hung the calender in the family room and every night they have to cross out a date and draw a picture. Something like this might help.
Her mother also had her husband read some bedtime stories on tape and she plays them for her daughter at night. I thought this was a great idea. He tells her it's time to go to sleep and have sweet dreams and about all the fun they will have when he comes back home.

This is a great idea. My mom did that to me when my dad was away from home. I was a real daddy's girl and I remember this comforting me and making me feel my dad was around.

[HauteMama]

My dh travels a lot, too. It is very difficult sometimes for me, but moreso for the kids. They miss him terribly and talk about him all the time.

But like a pp said, his job is what "puts food on the table." I knew his job involved a lot of travel, and I chose to have a family with him. It is hardly fair for me to try to get him to switch careers now!

So it isn't easy, but we get by. The kids take turns marking days off on the calendar until dad comes home, they talk to him on the phone, and when they really miss him I have them make cards or projects to give him when he comes home. When he IS home, we try to have as much family or daddy time as possible. I think having him record himself reading bedtime stories is an excellent idea, too!

[cutieupdate18]

I really like Gillianna's suggestion. I don't really see what else can be done, short of him quitting his job and looking for another one.

[omgsweet]

Is there another pilot job he could find that doesn't have such an intense schedule?

[illinirdhd]

Tough situation. My DH travels too - sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a week. It's hard on us because some weeks, he comes home Friday, and has to leave again Sunday or Monday, so the weekend is full of mowing the lawn and cleaning the pool and getting ready for his next trip. Because of his work travel, the last thing he wants to do is be in the car or in an airport when he's not working, so the fact that I love to travel is kind of on the back burner for now. I have to tread really lightly with this because when I complain that he's always tired and doesn't want to do things when he's home, his solution is "ok, I'll just quit and find another job then." But he LOVES his work. And his company. Plus, he has an outstanding 401, benefits, a company car, company pays for gas, etc. Also, we're really hoping to get transferred back east soon (before our future kids are in school), and with the real estate market the way it is, the company transferring us would be the best way to go (they would pay for the move and buy the house for us if it doesn't sell).

I don't know - I feel for you. I think the calendar idea is definitely worth a try. Will give your son a day to look forward to (and teach him about the days of the week!).

[dallas]

I think Gilliana's suggestion is great. Have you any home movies (christmas, birthdays, etc) of your DH, if so maybe you could play them for your son and it may provide some comfort for him? You could make new ones when your DH is home and your son can watch them when he's missing him. I guess it's worth a try. Good luck.

[boxermom]

I like some of the suggestions here. Also the age is a tough one--time is so abstract. I think he'll accept it more as he matures.

My father was an airline pilot and my husband was too. I grew up with the odd schedules, celebrating holidays on other days, not being able to take a vacation at Christmas like everyone else because that's when they had to fly planes for others! At times they would be away a month at a time, but usually 3-6 days. It's tough, but if he loves flying like my dad and dh, it's in his blood and he is happiest in the air (I'm not dismissing his love for you and your son).

Good luck. Things will get better.

(BTW, lots of airline pilots are out of work right now so he's fortunate to be flying)