Husband wants to cut ties with my family

LouisLady · Jun 10th, 2008, 08:23 PM

How am I suppose to feel when my husband makes this statement: " I want to cut ties with your family."

We got into a big argrument just earlier when I talked about the holidays on how I wanted us to go visit my parents back in FL. We've been together for 3 years and we have NEVER been back to FL together to visit my family. My parents have always came over here.

He gave me the hardest time and I am used to this because its hard enough to get him to go to eat dinner with my own brother once every blue moon! Even when my dad is in town, which is not very often, its hard enough BEGGING him to come eat dinner with my family. I'm tired of BEGGING. I got really mad & went off on him saying why do I have to BEG him everytime there is a family fuction of mine..which is VERY rare b/c my family is all far away.

He told me he refuses to EVER go visit them. (business & family don't mix, and he claims FL is too hot..which it is.)

This made me very pist and sad. I called him selfish because I alwayssss go to his family events and there are a ton of his family compared to mine and they are 10 minutes away!

I told him fine..and to NOT to include me with ANY of his family function EVERRR again.

I even asked him if he would go to my dads funeral, he said YES. I replied " Wow geez thanks. Just wait until he's gone."

I'm sure I am not the only one that has to deal with something like this..but could someone please give me some enlightment?

PinkSuadeSoho · Jun 10th, 2008, 08:30 PM

Unless there was something terribly wrong and he was trying to protect you, his reasoning for cutting your family out, is selfish and cruel. Is there something else going on?

LouisLady · Jun 10th, 2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkSuadeSoho

Unless there was something terribly wrong and he was trying to protect you, his reasoning for cutting your family out, is selfish and cruel. Is there something else going on?

No. The reasoning he wants to stay away is b/c my dad has diff views & they just don't get along too well. Also we all started a business together which includes my brother....and I have mentioned that business & family doesn't mix too well. Just some issues like that.

SPOILEDkiwi · Jun 10th, 2008, 08:55 PM

Well, maybe he has some issues with them that you don't see. We've heard so many stories on this board of women with in-laws from hell and complaining that their husbands don't understand why they don't want to be near his family. Maybe this is the reverse and there's something that either he's not telling you or you don't realize.

illinirdhd · Jun 10th, 2008, 09:10 PM

I agree that without some very valid reasons, your husband sounds like his behavior on this is very selfish and silly.

That said, I agree with you and your husband that business and family generally don't mix well (kind of like loaning $$$). Does he feel like you're disregarding his opinions about the business to keep peace with your family? Does he think there are sides, and you're not on his? For the most part, it seems like men are a lot more level-headed about this stuff than women are, and he may believe that you'd see things differently if you were in business with a business partner, rather than a family member.

Also, when your husband and your father (or other family members) are in the same room, does your husband feel like he's being judged or belittled or ridiculed?

I've had to tell my mother on several occasions in no uncertain terms that she WILL be nice to the man in my life, and that if she has a problem with him, she WILL either keep it to herself or speak with me privately, but she is NOT to speak her mind without regard to my feelings or my SO's. Thankfully, by the time I met my DH, she pretty well understood that I will not bend on this. (I know that sounds harsh, but one morning, I walked into my parents' kitchen to hear her telling my on-again, off-again BF that he wasn't good enough for me because of his divorces and drug history. It was true enough, but at 27 or 28 years old and visiting from 2000 miles away, it was NOT my mother's place to have this discussion with him. Sure made for an uncomfortable flight home.)

I guess I'm thinking that if either of these things is going on with your husband (even if it's just in his mind), I can understand where he's coming from, and I probably wouldn't want to visit them either.

Is he good to you in other ways? Or is he always petty and selfish? If this is the ONE area where you'd say he's unreasonable and ridiculous, I think it's probably a case in which you need to choose your marriage over your parents. Go to FL by yourself. Spend holidays at home with your husband. Don't go to his family stuff if you don't want to, but if you like his family, then don't deprive him and them and yourself just on principle.

But if this is just one example of his generally selfish and childish behavior, I think you should probably seek marital counseling and get to the bottom of it. If you married the wrong guy, then figure it out now.

ilovepinkhearts · Jun 10th, 2008, 09:21 PM

well i think that he should give a better reason as to why there is no getting together with your family.

i mean i understand from own lack of relationship with my husbands family. i don't feel as if i was ever excepted into their "clique". i have tried, i have bought them christmas presents, i have tried to fit in but it never works. they think of me as only a b**ch and that i think that i am better than them. i've been told this by my husband. then after the butt chewing that i got from his sister out of the blue for nothing that i did, i vowed that was it. i will not be around them again. im done with trying to make them like me, im done with trying to make them happy. i will worry about my family and i will be around people that want to be around me, and that treat me like a person and not just ignore me.

so you need to talk to him and try to figure out what it is that is keeping him away...there has to be more than just the "business and family don't mix"

Bella · Jun 10th, 2008, 09:55 PM

Louislady, the way I see it, if you don't have a significant problem with them....why should he? I understand differing points of view and how that can cause a strain, but as you say you rarely see them. I feel your husband should be more selfless here and support you. My in-laws are two peas in a pod and we've had visits over the years that did not go so well, but I could NEVER imagine telling my SO I want to cut ties with his family....of course, unless it was a seriously toxic abusive situation, then I would have to address that with my SO. I kind of have the opposite problem, my SO has a pretty short fuse with his parents and I try to remind him that they won't be here forever, don't sweat the small stuff, they are who they are and love them while you have them.

You both do need to talk this out and get to the root of the issue. Good luck to you.

cfred · Jun 10th, 2008, 10:05 PM

And, to add, business and pleasure might not mix...but, family should be more important than business.
I would be heartbroken if my fiance wanted to cut off ties with my family (which I would assume would also entail a business dissolution) and I wouldn't dream of asking the same of him.
It seems there might be some other issues going on here but unless the issues are nonnegotiable (abuse, incest, felony crime) I would say the occasional seeing of each other's family is standard.

Roo · Jun 10th, 2008, 10:16 PM

When did you get married LL? This sounds like a tough situation.

VPT · Jun 10th, 2008, 10:32 PM

It does seem there's more to personality incompatibility. Most husbands will man up and tolerate his in-laws, but with him backing out like that, it does seem strange. When a guy marries you he marries into your family, and you shouldn't take it lightly. Sit him down when he's in a good mood and discuss what his issues are. If you can't dig them out, seek counseling.

ChristyR143 · Jun 10th, 2008, 10:44 PM

Yeah, I'd say there's got to be some stuff going on that you are not aware of...most men don't take stands like that unless there is something going on...

boxermom · Jun 10th, 2008, 10:48 PM

If there is really nothing more significant than what you've described, I would tell him to GROW UP. Adults sometimes do things they'd rather not, because it's the right thing to do. What a selfish pig. He doesn't even care how much this hurts you, the woman he says he loves????? He doesn't have to go every time, but now and then, yes he has to, because he is supposedly an adult.

You have my sympathies, being married to such a selfish little boy.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 10th, 2008, 11:29 PM

Only you might have the full story of what is going on. When I would go with my ex to his hometown he would behave not in a nice way and I no longer wanted to go there and did not and that was an issue for him among other things. He did not want to understand and hear about his own behavior.

If your husband does not want to go, then do not push him. He seems to not get along with your dad. But you said they come up to visit but you would like to go down and he does not. Besides this, is the rest of your marriage okay? Is your father so critical to him, of him that your husband just cannot stand to be around him. How does he feel toward your mom? You two should talk and not argue. Try to understand why he feels this way. No one should be forced to do anything. It makes for a lot of resentment.

Janos614 · Jun 11th, 2008, 01:16 AM

Just to be clear, is he preventing you from seeing them too once he cuts ties, or is he the only one who wants to beg off from involvement?

caxe · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:25 AM

If my BF said that to me, I'd dump his sorry ass. Because my family will be there for me when he is not and because family ALWAYS comes first. But that's just me. You probably don't want to do that, and I wish I had some suggestions for you, but unfortunately I don't.

Jun 10th, 2008, 08:23 PM	#1
LouisLady Member Location: cali	Husband wants to cut ties with my family How am I suppose to feel when my husband makes this statement: " I want to cut ties with your family." We got into a big argrument just earlier when I talked about the holidays on how I wanted us to go visit my parents back in FL. We've been together for 3 years and we have NEVER been back to FL together to visit my family. My parents have always came over here. He gave me the hardest time and I am used to this because its hard enough to get him to go to eat dinner with my own brother once every blue moon! Even when my dad is in town, which is not very often, its hard enough BEGGING him to come eat dinner with my family. I'm tired of BEGGING. I got really mad & went off on him saying why do I have to BEG him everytime there is a family fuction of mine..which is VERY rare b/c my family is all far away. He told me he refuses to EVER go visit them. (business & family don't mix, and he claims FL is too hot..which it is.) This made me very pist and sad. I called him selfish because I alwayssss go to his family events and there are a ton of his family compared to mine and they are 10 minutes away! I told him fine..and to NOT to include me with ANY of his family function EVERRR again. I even asked him if he would go to my dads funeral, he said YES. I replied " Wow geez thanks. Just wait until he's gone." I'm sure I am not the only one that has to deal with something like this..but could someone please give me some enlightment?

Jun 10th, 2008, 08:30 PM	#2
PinkSuadeSoho Live the Life U Love Location: British Properties,Beautiful By Nature! Spectacular by SIGHT! :)	Unless there was something terribly wrong and he was trying to protect you, his reasoning for cutting your family out, is selfish and cruel. Is there something else going on? __________________ Close your eyes to the faults of others What is needed is less: less greed, less fear, less hatred, less prejudice Nothing can make your life more beautiful than perpetual kindness

Jun 10th, 2008, 08:55 PM	#4
SPOILEDkiwi not a kiwi! Location: NYC/Long Island	Well, maybe he has some issues with them that you don't see. We've heard so many stories on this board of women with in-laws from hell and complaining that their husbands don't understand why they don't want to be near his family. Maybe this is the reverse and there's something that either he's not telling you or you don't realize. __________________ “It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory of fashion that heralds your arrival and prolongs your departure.” --Coco Chanel

Jun 10th, 2008, 09:10 PM	#5
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I agree that without some very valid reasons, your husband sounds like his behavior on this is very selfish and silly. That said, I agree with you and your husband that business and family generally don't mix well (kind of like loaning $$$). Does he feel like you're disregarding his opinions about the business to keep peace with your family? Does he think there are sides, and you're not on his? For the most part, it seems like men are a lot more level-headed about this stuff than women are, and he may believe that you'd see things differently if you were in business with a business partner, rather than a family member. Also, when your husband and your father (or other family members) are in the same room, does your husband feel like he's being judged or belittled or ridiculed? I've had to tell my mother on several occasions in no uncertain terms that she WILL be nice to the man in my life, and that if she has a problem with him, she WILL either keep it to herself or speak with me privately, but she is NOT to speak her mind without regard to my feelings or my SO's. Thankfully, by the time I met my DH, she pretty well understood that I will not bend on this. (I know that sounds harsh, but one morning, I walked into my parents' kitchen to hear her telling my on-again, off-again BF that he wasn't good enough for me because of his divorces and drug history. It was true enough, but at 27 or 28 years old and visiting from 2000 miles away, it was NOT my mother's place to have this discussion with him. Sure made for an uncomfortable flight home.) I guess I'm thinking that if either of these things is going on with your husband (even if it's just in his mind), I can understand where he's coming from, and I probably wouldn't want to visit them either. Is he good to you in other ways? Or is he always petty and selfish? If this is the ONE area where you'd say he's unreasonable and ridiculous, I think it's probably a case in which you need to choose your marriage over your parents. Go to FL by yourself. Spend holidays at home with your husband. Don't go to his family stuff if you don't want to, but if you like his family, then don't deprive him and them and yourself just on principle. But if this is just one example of his generally selfish and childish behavior, I think you should probably seek marital counseling and get to the bottom of it. If you married the wrong guy, then figure it out now. __________________

Jun 10th, 2008, 09:21 PM	#6
ilovepinkhearts twilight: nov 21st Location: Texas	well i think that he should give a better reason as to why there is no getting together with your family. i mean i understand from own lack of relationship with my husbands family. i don't feel as if i was ever excepted into their "clique". i have tried, i have bought them christmas presents, i have tried to fit in but it never works. they think of me as only a b**ch and that i think that i am better than them. i've been told this by my husband. then after the butt chewing that i got from his sister out of the blue for nothing that i did, i vowed that was it. i will not be around them again. im done with trying to make them like me, im done with trying to make them happy. i will worry about my family and i will be around people that want to be around me, and that treat me like a person and not just ignore me. so you need to talk to him and try to figure out what it is that is keeping him away...there has to be more than just the "business and family don't mix" __________________

Jun 10th, 2008, 09:55 PM	#7
Bella just Bella	Louislady, the way I see it, if you don't have a significant problem with them....why should he? I understand differing points of view and how that can cause a strain, but as you say you rarely see them. I feel your husband should be more selfless here and support you. My in-laws are two peas in a pod and we've had visits over the years that did not go so well, but I could NEVER imagine telling my SO I want to cut ties with his family....of course, unless it was a seriously toxic abusive situation, then I would have to address that with my SO. I kind of have the opposite problem, my SO has a pretty short fuse with his parents and I try to remind him that they won't be here forever, don't sweat the small stuff, they are who they are and love them while you have them. You both do need to talk this out and get to the root of the issue. Good luck to you.

Jun 10th, 2008, 10:05 PM	#8
cfred not humored	And, to add, business and pleasure might not mix...but, family should be more important than business. I would be heartbroken if my fiance wanted to cut off ties with my family (which I would assume would also entail a business dissolution) and I wouldn't dream of asking the same of him. It seems there might be some other issues going on here but unless the issues are nonnegotiable (abuse, incest, felony crime) I would say the occasional seeing of each other's family is standard.

Jun 10th, 2008, 10:16 PM	#9
Roo Up to the Minute Mod Location: Rue Roo	When did you get married LL? This sounds like a tough situation. __________________ " We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile." -- WILL ROGERS

Jun 10th, 2008, 10:32 PM	#10
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	It does seem there's more to personality incompatibility. Most husbands will man up and tolerate his in-laws, but with him backing out like that, it does seem strange. When a guy marries you he marries into your family, and you shouldn't take it lightly. Sit him down when he's in a good mood and discuss what his issues are. If you can't dig them out, seek counseling. __________________

Jun 10th, 2008, 10:44 PM	#11
ChristyR143 But it was on sale!! Location: Texas	Yeah, I'd say there's got to be some stuff going on that you are not aware of...most men don't take stands like that unless there is something going on... __________________

Jun 10th, 2008, 10:48 PM	#12
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	If there is really nothing more significant than what you've described, I would tell him to GROW UP. Adults sometimes do things they'd rather not, because it's the right thing to do. What a selfish pig. He doesn't even care how much this hurts you, the woman he says he loves????? He doesn't have to go every time, but now and then, yes he has to, because he is supposedly an adult. You have my sympathies, being married to such a selfish little boy.

Jun 10th, 2008, 11:29 PM	#13
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	Only you might have the full story of what is going on. When I would go with my ex to his hometown he would behave not in a nice way and I no longer wanted to go there and did not and that was an issue for him among other things. He did not want to understand and hear about his own behavior. If your husband does not want to go, then do not push him. He seems to not get along with your dad. But you said they come up to visit but you would like to go down and he does not. Besides this, is the rest of your marriage okay? Is your father so critical to him, of him that your husband just cannot stand to be around him. How does he feel toward your mom? You two should talk and not argue. Try to understand why he feels this way. No one should be forced to do anything. It makes for a lot of resentment. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 11th, 2008, 01:16 AM	#14
Janos614 New Damier Convert! Location: NYC	Just to be clear, is he preventing you from seeing them too once he cuts ties, or is he the only one who wants to beg off from involvement? __________________ On my wish list: 1. Damier Tate PM 2. Damier Neverfull MM 3. Palermo PM

Jun 11th, 2008, 02:25 AM	#15
caxe Loves root beer. Location: The Southeast, US	If my BF said that to me, I'd dump his sorry ass. Because my family will be there for me when he is not and because family ALWAYS comes first. But that's just me. You probably don't want to do that, and I wish I had some suggestions for you, but unfortunately I don't. __________________ Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.