How tolerant are you of your friends?

poshgal78 · Oct 4th, 2008, 09:22 PM

Hi guys,

For all those with really long-time friendships- how tolerant and accepting are you of your friends?

Like when they seriously let you down (intentionally or not), what do you do and how do you deal with it?

A trusted friend let me down when she did something completely unexpected and I felt so betrayed. Its been weeks and I havent spoken to hear even on YM- she says she's sorry but I just have to be away from her for now. I am afraid though that we may never be the same again...because what she did changed my view of her completely and I dont think I can trust her again after this.

Hope you guys can share your stories too..

daphodill84 · Oct 4th, 2008, 09:57 PM

Big hugs poshgal!! It's terrible when your good friends let you down. I'm guessing you don't want to go into detail about the situation, but it seems like some time apart like you said will be good for you. Right now the sight of her face will probably make you upset/angry, so it's a good idea just to take some time and think about things and if you think you'll even want to be friends with her again. Best of luck!

pr1nc355 · Oct 4th, 2008, 09:59 PM

I'm a very loyal person, but if someone hurts me, it's hard for me to get over. If it's something big, I probably would either never talk to that friend again or take a really long time to forgive.

I had a good friend from college let me down on numerous occasions. They were all "little" things, like not respond to my invites or flake out on me when she told me she'd show up to stuff. I can forgive a few episodes of flakiness, but not many because I always try my best to keep my promises. The last straw came when she took a year to send me a NON-PERSONALIZED thank-you card for her wedding gift (which I spent lots of money on), and I heard that other friends got personalized cards. I guess I'm still on her family's mailing list because I got a shower invite for her baby, but other than that invite, I've heard nothing from her in more than 4 years. I don't understand why she's sending me invitations to these kinds of things when we're not even talking anymore!

Whatever you decide, let your heart guide you. If she's worth keeping as a friend, you'll forgive her in time. If she's not, then it's fine, too. Hugs for you--I know it's hard when friends let you down.

meluv2shop12 · Oct 4th, 2008, 10:34 PM

i can understand how hurtful it can be for you when a friend lets you down...

i was - or thought i was - friends with this girl from work.. i thought we were at least close enough that we went to lunch everyday, went out on some weekends and i'd sleep over her place when i was too drunk or tired to drive back home.. we even went on a girly vacation once... then - just so happen my wedding fell on the weekend after her birthday... so she decided not to go to my wedding coz she was "thinking of" going somewhere (she didn't even know where!) that weekend.

my thing was, (1) weddings are rather important (not just for me but most brides!) and rare (2) she could have gone "somewhere" the weekend before... and (3) she could have had the decency to lie to me and told me that her "trip" was already booked and i'd be more forgiving..

i invited her 4 months in advance, yet she decided to throw how much she "valued me as a friend" in my face.. it was just different after that... so different that i couldn't careless if i never see or hear from her for the rest of my life...

ebayBAGS · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:09 AM

I feel the same as you. Its very hard to change the way you look at a person after you saw their true colors. If someone is capable of doing something totally bad, they will probably do it again. I couldn't advise you to go and try to give the relationship another shot, because I myself wouldn't do that. If anything, wait for her to approach you and mend things. It is up to you from there on whether or not you're willing to accept.

lovemel · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:16 AM

I used to be very tolerant, but found that I ended up being taken advantage of. They figured they could let me down and I would always forgive and forget so it just wasn't good for my state of mind. Now, if there is an incident, if tend to dismiss them in my mind. I will be civil if we happen to bump into each other, but after you see a person's true colors, it's hard to (for me) to go back to the way things were...I think I just cross them off my list (so to speak) and move on.

LaDonna · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebayBAGS

I feel the same as you. Its very hard to change the way you look at a person after you saw their true colors. If someone is capable of doing something totally bad, they will probably do it again. I couldn't advise you to go and try to give the relationship another shot, because I myself wouldn't do that. If anything, wait for her to approach you and mend things. It is up to you from there on whether or not you're willing to accept.

ita! its very hard for me also to be someone's friend after i've seen who they truly are. if it were me, i would just be done w/ her. but i would do what you feel is best. i had a friend who let me down and i never said anything to her about it. i tried to let it go, but i always questioned her friendship . i don't talk to her anymore and i'm glad she's out of my life. i can't be friends w/ someone if i'm constantly questioning them.

candypants1100 · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:52 AM

i'm a really loyal person...but if someone hurts me, it depends on the severity. if it was a major thing, and intentional, i think i might be done with them. if it was unintentional but still a major thing, i would take a break from them....just go be alone for a bit, and when i'm ready to talk with them, i would call 'em up. if they're a good friend, they'll understand that i need time.

Lululovebags · Oct 5th, 2008, 11:49 AM

i dont take shit from them, no matter how close we are or how long we know each other. if they do something to hurt me, i would just stay away to let off steam and not talk to them, i take as long as i need. sometimes they understand and leave me alone to mend, but most of the time, they just go on and on in their defence for their action, apologizing in some instances or what-nots.

but, i just move on once i'm done.people change as they grow up. i've got to accept that. ppl make mistakes, what more our friends. i learn how to live and let live because i have done plenty of stupid things in my life before. life is too short to be harbouring hatred or pondering the what-ifs.

i dont keep grudges and all that. however, if something done is far and beyond than what i could have accepted in reasonable circumstances, i'll just drop her and get over it. stat.

true friends dont hurt each other like that.

louis fanatic · Oct 5th, 2008, 11:57 AM

i have a BFF that let me down over and over throughout the years. now we are not close anymore. we only contact each other on the major holidays and b-days. we don't really talk anymore. we do the obligatory gift exchange and that's about it. it's better to see one's true nature early than later. the later/deeper into the friendship the more expectations you have of that person. it was hard to let it go but sometimes you have no other choice than to say 'if that's the way you want it. fine. have it your way.' i stopped trying to help and offer advise because it always came back to me like if i was the idiot trying and offering but no one wants it.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 5th, 2008, 02:40 PM

my longterm friends are like family to me. I can't say any of them has ever done anything I cannot forgive. They would have to kill someone practically in order for me to forever shun them. I'm wracking my brain right now trying to remember if any of them have ever betrayed me and honestly, I can't think of anything. All I can say is, if you want forgiveness, you have to be willing to forgive also.

ChristyR143 · Oct 5th, 2008, 02:53 PM

^ I totally agree with Shoo.

I am a very loyal person as well, and I expect a lot from my friends. But, we are all human, and I am a pretty forgiving person as well. I have learned that harboring unforgiveness in your heart will only end up poisoning YOU in the long run. If you were really as close with this person as you say, and you've been friends for a long time, you should be able to have open communication with her and talk through it. Try to remember that anyone can mess up. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."

Kiss Me Deadly · Oct 5th, 2008, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemel

I used to be very tolerant, but found that I ended up being taken advantage of. They figured they could let me down and I would always forgive and forget so it just wasn't good for my state of mind. Now, if there is an incident, if tend to dismiss them in my mind. I will be civil if we happen to bump into each other, but after you see a person's true colors, it's hard to (for me) to go back to the way things were...I think I just cross them off my list (so to speak) and move on.

Im in the same boat.. ive become friends with some people over the past year, and it happened really fast that we became close too quickly.. but now some of them have been really hurting me when I find out that they talk about me behind my back and are just 2 faced etc etc..

Once graduation is over Im just gonna drop them, I dont need that kind of drama/stress..

You always run into more people who will be a friend, and your friendship is valuable and shouldnt be taken advantage of.. so just filter out the "bad" ones.. just think, at least you gave them a shot

poshgal78 · Oct 6th, 2008, 02:04 PM

Dear daphodill84, ebayBAGS, lovemel, LaDonna, candypants1100, Lululovebags, louis fanatic, bagnshoofetish, ChristyR143, Kiss Me Deadly

Thanks so much for the words of comfort, sometimes I feel sad that I only have a few close friends now but Im really the kind of person who stays loyal to a friend thru thick or thin but I expect the same from them. When someone betrays me, I cant just forget--it sort of traumatizes me and I could never trust someone after a betrayal...

My "friend" leaves text messages and Yahoo messages that she's sorry and all but after the word sorry, you can see she's making excuses for what she did. Like Im really sorry but it was out of my control or Im sorry I had no idea this would happen...and it angers me even more.

*******
Dear pr1nc355,

I hate those kinds of former friends, sometimes you feel they are deliberately hurting you or something right?

I had a highschool friend who was dating a loser and when they finally broke up, I had to be honest because she was saying:

"I realized we do not fit, he's such a loser"

and I told her "AT LONG LAST, you finally said it!"

I dont know if she got offended because she said "How come you did not tell me you thought of him as a loser???" And I was like "How could I say that when you are so into him???"

After that day, she became cold to me. Id call her and she'd be truly adamant, up to now she does not invite me to birthdays or gigs, but I completely gave up on her and just let that friendship go. I cant waste time being a psychic and guessing why she's being a bi@tch. Sheesh...

********

Dear meluv2shop12,

That is strange. Could it be she has something against weddings? I had a friend like that who NEVER attends weddings, like she enjoys all parties except weddings and its because she's almost 40 and no serious relationship, nor proposals so she feels bad about all weddings. She said it was like being tortured alive...

lovinalotofbags · Oct 6th, 2008, 08:06 PM

I am a great friend that is how I know when to get rid of bad friends. I have little tolerance and patience for crap. See ya.

Oct 4th, 2008, 09:22 PM	#1
poshgal78 Member	How tolerant are you of your friends? Hi guys, For all those with really long-time friendships- how tolerant and accepting are you of your friends? Like when they seriously let you down (intentionally or not), what do you do and how do you deal with it? A trusted friend let me down when she did something completely unexpected and I felt so betrayed. Its been weeks and I havent spoken to hear even on YM- she says she's sorry but I just have to be away from her for now. I am afraid though that we may never be the same again...because what she did changed my view of her completely and I dont think I can trust her again after this. Hope you guys can share your stories too..

Oct 4th, 2008, 09:57 PM	#2
daphodill84 Member	Big hugs poshgal!! It's terrible when your good friends let you down. I'm guessing you don't want to go into detail about the situation, but it seems like some time apart like you said will be good for you. Right now the sight of her face will probably make you upset/angry, so it's a good idea just to take some time and think about things and if you think you'll even want to be friends with her again. Best of luck! __________________ Wishlist: Grenat, Ink, Sapphire/Violet, Bubblegum, Sahara, Rouge Theatre, '05 White, Amethyst, Electric Blue, Turquoise. RM Rosegold/Whitewash Matinee, Violet Matinee, Tangerine Plan B Hobo, BBW MAM, Rosegold MAM, Ocean Steady, Black Elisha, Getaway Satchel. MAM in every colour! My Collection (Work in Progress): http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...ng-270617.html

Oct 4th, 2008, 09:59 PM	#3
pr1nc355 My Birkin Bag Twin Location: Los Angeles, CA	I'm a very loyal person, but if someone hurts me, it's hard for me to get over. If it's something big, I probably would either never talk to that friend again or take a really long time to forgive. I had a good friend from college let me down on numerous occasions. They were all "little" things, like not respond to my invites or flake out on me when she told me she'd show up to stuff. I can forgive a few episodes of flakiness, but not many because I always try my best to keep my promises. The last straw came when she took a year to send me a NON-PERSONALIZED thank-you card for her wedding gift (which I spent lots of money on), and I heard that other friends got personalized cards. I guess I'm still on her family's mailing list because I got a shower invite for her baby, but other than that invite, I've heard nothing from her in more than 4 years. I don't understand why she's sending me invitations to these kinds of things when we're not even talking anymore! Whatever you decide, let your heart guide you. If she's worth keeping as a friend, you'll forgive her in time. If she's not, then it's fine, too. Hugs for you--I know it's hard when friends let you down. __________________ My blog about my life in Cali: http://nolimetangere-goldenstateofmind.blogspot.com/ My blog about my life in general: http://nolimetangere-mysocalledlife.blogspot.com/ If there's no drama, it's someone else's life.

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:09 AM	#5
ebayBAGS Member	I feel the same as you. Its very hard to change the way you look at a person after you saw their true colors. If someone is capable of doing something totally bad, they will probably do it again. I couldn't advise you to go and try to give the relationship another shot, because I myself wouldn't do that. If anything, wait for her to approach you and mend things. It is up to you from there on whether or not you're willing to accept. __________________ "The best things in life are free. The second best are expensive." Coco Chanel

Oct 5th, 2008, 11:49 AM	#9
Lululovebags Member Location: Earth	i dont take shit from them, no matter how close we are or how long we know each other. if they do something to hurt me, i would just stay away to let off steam and not talk to them, i take as long as i need. sometimes they understand and leave me alone to mend, but most of the time, they just go on and on in their defence for their action, apologizing in some instances or what-nots. but, i just move on once i'm done.people change as they grow up. i've got to accept that. ppl make mistakes, what more our friends. i learn how to live and let live because i have done plenty of stupid things in my life before. life is too short to be harbouring hatred or pondering the what-ifs. i dont keep grudges and all that. however, if something done is far and beyond than what i could have accepted in reasonable circumstances, i'll just drop her and get over it. stat. true friends dont hurt each other like that. __________________ "keep your head up high. there are ppl that would kill to see you fall".

Oct 4th, 2008, 10:34 PM	#4
meluv2shop12 Member Location: la la land	i can understand how hurtful it can be for you when a friend lets you down... i was - or thought i was - friends with this girl from work.. i thought we were at least close enough that we went to lunch everyday, went out on some weekends and i'd sleep over her place when i was too drunk or tired to drive back home.. we even went on a girly vacation once... then - just so happen my wedding fell on the weekend after her birthday... so she decided not to go to my wedding coz she was "thinking of" going somewhere (she didn't even know where!) that weekend. my thing was, (1) weddings are rather important (not just for me but most brides!) and rare (2) she could have gone "somewhere" the weekend before... and (3) she could have had the decency to lie to me and told me that her "trip" was already booked and i'd be more forgiving.. i invited her 4 months in advance, yet she decided to throw how much she "valued me as a friend" in my face.. it was just different after that... so different that i couldn't careless if i never see or hear from her for the rest of my life...

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:16 AM	#6
lovemel Member	I used to be very tolerant, but found that I ended up being taken advantage of. They figured they could let me down and I would always forgive and forget so it just wasn't good for my state of mind. Now, if there is an incident, if tend to dismiss them in my mind. I will be civil if we happen to bump into each other, but after you see a person's true colors, it's hard to (for me) to go back to the way things were...I think I just cross them off my list (so to speak) and move on.

Oct 5th, 2008, 10:52 AM	#8
candypants1100 Member Location: candyland	i'm a really loyal person...but if someone hurts me, it depends on the severity. if it was a major thing, and intentional, i think i might be done with them. if it was unintentional but still a major thing, i would take a break from them....just go be alone for a bit, and when i'm ready to talk with them, i would call 'em up. if they're a good friend, they'll understand that i need time.

Oct 5th, 2008, 11:57 AM	#10
louis fanatic Member Location: california	i have a BFF that let me down over and over throughout the years. now we are not close anymore. we only contact each other on the major holidays and b-days. we don't really talk anymore. we do the obligatory gift exchange and that's about it. it's better to see one's true nature early than later. the later/deeper into the friendship the more expectations you have of that person. it was hard to let it go but sometimes you have no other choice than to say 'if that's the way you want it. fine. have it your way.' i stopped trying to help and offer advise because it always came back to me like if i was the idiot trying and offering but no one wants it. __________________ my COLLECTIONs pg 1 & 3 Have you made the move to www.Bonanzle.com?

Oct 5th, 2008, 02:40 PM	#11
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	my longterm friends are like family to me. I can't say any of them has ever done anything I cannot forgive. They would have to kill someone practically in order for me to forever shun them. I'm wracking my brain right now trying to remember if any of them have ever betrayed me and honestly, I can't think of anything. All I can say is, if you want forgiveness, you have to be willing to forgive also. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Oct 5th, 2008, 02:53 PM	#12
ChristyR143 But it was on sale!! Location: Texas	^ I totally agree with Shoo. I am a very loyal person as well, and I expect a lot from my friends. But, we are all human, and I am a pretty forgiving person as well. I have learned that harboring unforgiveness in your heart will only end up poisoning YOU in the long run. If you were really as close with this person as you say, and you've been friends for a long time, you should be able to have open communication with her and talk through it. Try to remember that anyone can mess up. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." __________________

Oct 6th, 2008, 02:04 PM	#14
poshgal78 Member	Dear daphodill84, ebayBAGS, lovemel, LaDonna, candypants1100, Lululovebags, louis fanatic, bagnshoofetish, ChristyR143, Kiss Me Deadly Thanks so much for the words of comfort, sometimes I feel sad that I only have a few close friends now but Im really the kind of person who stays loyal to a friend thru thick or thin but I expect the same from them. When someone betrays me, I cant just forget--it sort of traumatizes me and I could never trust someone after a betrayal... My "friend" leaves text messages and Yahoo messages that she's sorry and all but after the word sorry, you can see she's making excuses for what she did. Like Im really sorry but it was out of my control or Im sorry I had no idea this would happen...and it angers me even more. ***** Dear pr1nc355, I hate those kinds of former friends, sometimes you feel they are deliberately hurting you or something right? I had a highschool friend who was dating a loser and when they finally broke up, I had to be honest because she was saying: "I realized we do not fit, he's such a loser" and I told her "AT LONG LAST, you finally said it!" I dont know if she got offended because she said "How come you did not tell me you thought of him as a loser???" And I was like "How could I say that when you are so into him???" After that day, she became cold to me. Id call her and she'd be truly adamant, up to now she does not invite me to birthdays or gigs, but I completely gave up on her and just let that friendship go. I cant waste time being a psychic and guessing why she's being a bi@tch. Sheesh... ****** Dear meluv2shop12, That is strange. Could it be she has something against weddings? I had a friend like that who NEVER attends weddings, like she enjoys all parties except weddings and its because she's almost 40 and no serious relationship, nor proposals so she feels bad about all weddings. She said it was like being tortured alive...

Oct 6th, 2008, 08:06 PM	#15
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	I am a great friend that is how I know when to get rid of bad friends. I have little tolerance and patience for crap. See ya. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.