How to make friends with a man

[floridasun8]

Ok, I know this may sound strange lol but there is a new employee in my office that I have been talking to here and there and I find him highly intriguing and someone I would love to be friends with. This man is gay, so this is strictly platonic.

He appears to be a bit reserved so I have been trying to talk to him about work and such, but those conversations are short unfortunately. I dont really feel comfortable asking him to lunch or coffee, etc. because he may get the impression that I am trying to come onto him. I know he is gay, however he may not be aware that I know.

So, I need tips. Is there anyway to try to make friends with a member of the opposite sex, even though he is gay without coming across as interested romantically? I know its a fine line and I've kind of stood back so far for fear of coming across wrong, however this guy is very interesting, we have a lot of things in common, etc. and I'd like to know more about him. Any ideas?

[ProfNot]

I'd just ask to have lunch with him.

At lunch AWAY from the office, tell him quietly you know he's gay and you are only mentioning it so there are no misunderstandings.

It's totally stupid but gay people still have to stay underground at some companies.

[gina2328]

I agree with asking him to lunch but I would never mention that you know he is gay. For one thing, he might be highly offended as not all gay people are "out". He is also a coworker and would probably not want to discuss sexual preferences in the workplace.

If at some future point in time he feels comfortable with the topic, let him bring that up.

Is he friendly to women in the office? Some gay men do not like women, and some like/love women.

[Immi]

Just talk to him as normal every time you see him, maybe ask for his company at lunch or something, just like you would with any other friend. But if you guys just don't click then don't force it. Sometimes it's hard to know with people who are very reserved. It can take aaaaages to build a friendship with someone like that.

[natalie78]

I would also just talk to him as usual until he looses up a bit. Once you establish some sort of relationship, ask him to go with you to lunch one day. I wouldn't push it tough and I definitely would not bring up anything about him being gay. gine is right, he may get offended and you don't want to set yourself up for a harassment claim.

[plain jane doe]

Originally Posted by gina2328

I agree with asking him to lunch but I would never mention that you know he is gay. For one thing, he might be highly offended as not all gay people are "out". He is also a coworker and would probably not want to discuss sexual preferences in the workplace.

Agree with this. Can you ask him to lunch with a group including other guys? Or if you are comfortable talking about your personal life, gossip with him about guys you are interested in or dates you've been on (assuming you don't have an SO you could just mention?).

[Charles]

Just talk to him like normal. Ask if he's doing ok there and then offer that if he needs a lunch partner, email you. Don't make it awkward, since it's not. You're just being a friend to him, so offer him flat out.
Don't mention he's gay until he tells you.
Don't assume he'll think you're hitting on him.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by natalie78

I would also just talk to him as usual until he looses up a bit. Once you establish some sort of relationship, ask him to go with you to lunch one day. I wouldn't push it tough and I definitely would not bring up anything about him being gay. gine is right, he may get offended and you don't want to set yourself up for a harassment claim.

I agree. If you don't want it to seem like you are "coming on" to him, you can joke while at lunch you are glad he came and that you hoped he didn't think you were trying to start some sort of affair or something (b/c he likely knows you are married, right?). I don't even think making a clarification is necessary though. I wouldn't worry about him assuming anything- if I worked in an office w/ a new guy and he asked me to lunch, I would not think he had any interest in me unless he was clearly flirting, etc.

[Pursegrrl]

Just take it slow. Too much chit chatting might be uncomfortable for him. And if he's new he may be playing it safe for now on who he becomes "friends" with at the office. Some people just prefer to keep to themselves, especially at first.

DEFINITELY don't mention that you know he's gay - that would be highly inappropriate IMO.

[bipolarbear]

Most of the people I work and play with are guys, so over the years I've gotten to a point where most of my friends are guys. I'd approach getting to know him the same way you would getting to know any other friend you've made - the guy and gay part really doesn't come into play aside from confusion about the possibility you may be interested in him. Coffee or a drink is a casual way to get together and if there's a common interest you know you have which is fueling your interest in him (music, art, etc), letting him know about a festival, show, etc. along those lines that you heard about and might meet up at would be an easy/comfortable way to get together outside the office.

I also wouldn't feel any need to specifically mention his orientation - first off, you may be wrong, and secondly, I don't feel a need to mention anyone's sexual interests (gay or straight) when I'm getting to know them. As we get to be better friends, dating/relationships and people you're attracted to eventually starts to become part of your discussions.

[bisousx]

Originally Posted by ProfNot

I'd just ask to have lunch with him. At lunch AWAY from the office, tell him quietly you know he's gay and you are only mentioning it so there are no misunderstandings. It's totally stupid but gay people still have to stay underground at some companies.

I don't see why it'd be necessary to bring the topic up. If he wants to mention it, let him mention it. Otherwise, I think OP you should just ask him to lunch like you would with any other friend.

[plain jane doe]

Originally Posted by Charles

Don't assume he'll think you're hitting on him.

I think OP is considering the possibility, not assuming.

I do think it can be a little more unclear if the guy is gay without being totally open at work. If a straight guy is not interested in you and wants to be clear about that up front, he can mention a girlfriend, but the gay guy may not want to mention a boyfriend. In the same way I would be a notch less friendly with a straight guy I wanted to befriend than a girl I wanted to befriend, it wouldn't hurt to be a notch less friendly with the guy in this situation.

As a teenager, I was pretty much just totally friendly with everyone, and besides leading some straight guys to think I was interested when I wasn't, I also scared off a gay guy who I didn't realize was gay. He found a way to work a hint into conversation, and I was mortified that he thought I was coming onto him and freaked him out. But, awkward time of my life. Maybe if you have normal social skills and perception it's not that different.

[claireZk]

Just keep talking to him and keep things casual... Eventually, hopefully, you'll find out if there's a specific type of food he likes or a movie he wants to see, and you'll have your "in"

[Glamfoxx]

Just ask him if he wants to grab a bite for lunch. Definately don't mention anything about how you know he is gay. Imagine how strange that would be- you wouldn't tell a straight person by the way I know you're straight... Making friends with a gay guy is just like making friends with anyone else. Don't worry- he won't assume you are hitting on him.

[vhdos]

I don't think that there is any one way to "make" friends with someone. If the two of you click, then over time, a friendship should evolve. Sounds like maybe you're over-analyzing, which might make things awkward.