How to handle emotional cheating? *long*

[rainyjewels]

Here's the back story. My friend's been happily married to her husband for over 20 years. Over the past year, another woman came into the picture at her husband's work - a girl in her late 20s w/her own bf. Her husband started talking more and more about her at home, i.e. how gorgeous she was, how smart she was, etc., but since he's always been the epitome of straight-laced and absolute integrity, my friend didn't think much into it. Recently, he admitted that he can communicate w/her on a level he can't w/my friend, but that it was really almost a father-daughter type relationship, since he's 50. However, at the same time, he can't stop unconsciously obsessing about her, and he just always seemed to be in a daze. My friend's been trying her a** off to better "communicate" w/him and please him so they can go back to their normal lovey-dovey life. She even tries to ignore the fact that he deliberately hides his cell phone from her every night (i.e. putting it into a bag and stuffing into the closet before bed).

Just yesterday, they had a long conversation and she found out that the girl just got dumped by her boyfriend. Why? Because he finally saw through her for the golddigger she is, and was tired of her demanding gifts from him, i.e. designer bags. Clearly then she was involved with my friend's husband because he's really wealthy and in a position of power. When he realized this, he claimed it was over but he obviously still felt for her. My friend yesterday - in her attempt to move the marriage back to normal - said she'll try to forget all of this if he can delete all the text messages and emails they've exchanged. He refuses, to the point of tears. She demands to see these text messages, and says either he shows her or she walks. He finally shows her. There're over 900 messages from the course of a few months! They texted each other multiple times a day, i.e. to say good morning, to say good night, to say they missed each other, etc. Basically, all extremely romantic messages that resemble ones 20 yr olds may send each other when they're in love. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, because apparently they never did anything physical. Plus, apparently it's over, even though he's now suddenly interested in designer bags and has even asked ME about them. Don't guys realize that to fall in love with another woman would devastate your wife????

Needless to say, my friend was devastated. She's the most amazing person, and is so selfless and trusting that this was the last thing she expected from her husband. Crying, she called me this morning for advice. I told her if I were her, I would leave. How could I possibly stay and face a guy like that? She's still thinking of him and saying how she doesn't want to blow up the situation and have all his friends/family know because it would hurt him. I feel like she needs to get away to give him space to evaluate how he feels towards their marriage, and only when HE wants to make it work will they ever have a chance....instead of her yelling and crying in anger and demanding for him to make the effort.

This whole thing is so unexpected from a couple like them that neither she nor I really know what the "right" thing to do is. What do you guys think?

[titania029]

Wow, that's awful for you friend! Leaving is easier said than done, of course. They have been married 20 years, and happily. The marriage is definitely worth fighting for. I think your friend should sit her husband down and ask if he wants to make the marriage work. If he does, then they should seek some counseling. It might take an outsider's perspective for him to see why his actions are hurting her. Good luck to her!

[gillianna]

It seems like such a common story, older men getting some attention from a younger girl--he feels important and yes she knows what she is doing. She is a gold digger and gets some purses, ect......
I feel sorry for your friend, I don't know what she can do to make her marriage work. Can they get therapy. Is she willing to forgive him and give him the thought that what he did was OK? I mean her priority is her hurt and lies her husband told her. She should not be concerned about what his friends and family think, heck she should tell everyone why she is unhappy and let him look like a old fool played for his money by a pretty young thing. Not a class act to your friends.......
She can get out and if they are wealthy I would think she will get enough to be able to lead her own life one that does not cause her thinking what her husband is doing and with whom..... Just because her husband says it is over does not mean a thing. Who knows if even half of what he said is the truth. Is a man going to admit they cheated???? No unless they are caught in the act.....so there may be much more going on than your friend even thinks.
Perhaps you can talk her in to going for a spa weekend to pamper herself and give her some quiet time to talk with you and just have a few laughs.

[rainyjewels]

I think she wants everything to go back to normal, but concurrently doesn't know how to face him w/the knowledge she has now. she wants him to know this is NOT okay, and doesn't know how much faith she can put into his claims that "it's over" when his actions (i.e. constant daze, asking me about designer bags, etc.) speak otherwise.

it's such a sad situation. she's in another country, so i told her to just go vent and spend time w/her friends and get away from the house, but she's afraid that once all her friends known and word spreads, life between the two of them will never be the same. i'm the only one she can talk to, and the only thing i can give her is advice...

[fiatflux]

I recommend checking out the marriagebuilders.com website. Nothing less than complete "No contact" with the affair partner is going to put their marriage on the road to recovery. If that means he has to find a new job, or find her a new job, that's what it's going to take.

For him to be crying at the thought of deleting her texts!! I would be surprised if it wasn't physical as well...but even if it is just emotional, it's a full blown affair - he's in deep and this is going to require some hard work to overcome. He's going to go through a severe withdrawal and it will take at least several months of no contact before your friend will start to see that there is hope for their marriage.

[rainyjewels]

^^ yeah apparently they had countless dinners (doesn't that count as dates?!) and spent vast amounts of time together at work. every night when he got home he would go straight upstairs to the computer and start IMing. we all thought he was a workaholic and was just working online. guess we were all wrong.

[mahbag!]

Oh dear.

I think some marriage counseling for them is a good idea also, especially since your friend has expressed some concern about letting other family and friends in on what is currently happening in her marriage. Even if he was telling the truth that nothing physical has happened between him and this woman, the way he's been acting, I doubt he would be very upset if something were to happen (gosh, he even sounds like a bit of a drama queen!) Even though your friend is really hurt by this, it is my opinion that it may be too early for divorce. He definitely needs to realize, though, what and how much this "friendship" means to him and what his actions are doing to his wife. Hopefully, this is just a bump in the road for them, but I'm sure your friend will be fine either way. Good luck to her!

[fiatflux]

Quote:

She's still thinking of him and saying how she doesn't want to blow up the situation and have all his friends/family know because it would hurt him.

Actually, that's the most effective tool she has at her disposal for ending the affair--exposing it to everyone, including his employer. It shines a light on the ugliness of an affair. It knocks them out of fantasyland and into reality...seeing their affair for what it is through others' eyes. Yes, he will be hurt, angry, etc, but the marriage can survive all that...the marriage can't survive as long as the affair continues.

[rainyjewels]

^^ you think so? he's in a position of extremely high power and respect, so i think both of them think the humiliation of the reveal would irreparably damage the marriage and he would never forgive her.

i don't know, it's such a weird situation, and i'm the only one she's got so i'm trying to think of the problem from all angles...he's basically proclaiming "it's over" and nothing "physical" ever happened, so she should just get over it and move on. uhh....

the whole situation really pisses me off. she's about to have a life-threatening surgery and any stress is incredibly damaging to her body's preparation for it, all the while the only time it seems the husband even talks to her is to obsess blatantly about this girl. i mean, seriously, what kind of a**hole does that?! i'm so angry for her!!!

[mahbag!]

Originally Posted by rainyjewels

i don't know, it's such a weird situation, and i'm the only one she's got so i'm trying to think of the problem from all angles...he's basically proclaiming "it's over" and nothing "physical" ever happened, so she should just get over it and move on. uhh....

Maybe he needs to move on out the door, then. WOW.

[fiatflux]

If she thinks she might want to save the marriage, the absolute worst thing to do is for either one of them to move out. It sure seems like this marriage is worth saving...just from what you said about them being "happily married for 20 years." I will gather up some key info from marriagebuilders and post it ... I have to go now but I'll be back.

[omgsweet]

What a terrible situtation. He is in no place to tell her to "just get over it." Did she kick him out of the bedroom at least? How does she know its really over? Did he fire her? Or did she quit? Because if they are still working near eachother, I would not believe that its over.

[fiatflux]

Marriage Builders theories involve following a plan to save your marriage. The first plan is called "Plan A" - and after that, you may or may not have to go to "Plan B." A lot of it is going to sound counter-intuitive and takes some study & also reading the discussion forums to really start to understand how it can work.

Here is an overview of Plan A and Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

In plan A, you are using specific strategies to end the affair, and also improve your relationship with your spouse.
The "stages" that occur as a result of doing Plan A are:
1. separating the WS (wayward spouse) from the AP (affair partner--also often called OP for "other person").
2. maintain separation of WS & AP and go through WS's withdrawal from affair
3. recover love between spouses

If Plan A doesn't work (i.e., you never get complete separation of the WS from the AP, and never get to the recovering love stage) ... then you go to Plan B, which is complete separation of the betrayed spouse (BS) from the WS. Complete as in NO CONTACT between you and your WS until the WS agrees to separate from the AP. This can really be a wake up call for the WS, because up until now he has been getting his needs met from both people, the AP and the BS.

Anyway, you can pretty much guarantee that he is still in contact with his AP even if he is saying that he isn't. He's probably just gone further undercover. So, she will need to do some snooping to find out & confront him w/the evidence.

Here's more info:

Strategic Plan for newly betrayed spouses
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt...page=0&fpart=1

Quick Start guidelines
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt...page=0&fpart=1

An important part of Plan A is to find out each other's emotional needs via this questionnaire:

Emotional Needs Questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i4501_enq.html

Here's a summary called the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A" which will tell you a little more about what Plan A is all about:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors. [read more about lovebusting here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap..._lovebust.html ]

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth. [the purpose of exposure is not to get revenge on the WS; the purpose is to end the affair...and enlist others in helping you to end the affair & save your marriage]

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
------------------

I hope some of this info helps!!

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by rainyjewels

^^ you think so? he's in a position of extremely high power and respect, so i think both of them think the humiliation of the reveal would irreparably damage the marriage and he would never forgive her. i don't know, it's such a weird situation, and i'm the only one she's got so i'm trying to think of the problem from all angles...he's basically proclaiming "it's over" and nothing "physical" ever happened, so she should just get over it and move on. uhh.... the whole situation really pisses me off. she's about to have a life-threatening surgery and any stress is incredibly damaging to her body's preparation for it, all the while the only time it seems the husband even talks to her is to obsess blatantly about this girl. i mean, seriously, what kind of a**hole does that?! i'm so angry for her!!!

This would be the red flag that she should not ignore nor forget....

He is doing all this in the mist of his wife getting ready for surgery??!!

Thats insane....if I were in her shoes, I would make every effort to take care of myself for now, then get ready to give him a dose of reality that would wake his stupid a** up. This is truely sad and inexcuseable. I dont think that its something that both will recover from....seems to me like its over and she just needs to protect herself through a lawyer asap.

Im so sorry this is happening to her....and Im so angry for her as well....

[Zophie]

Leaving is easier said than done of course. But the way I am, I'd tell the dude to make up his mind, him or me. If someone isn't sure they want me, they can go ASAP. Screw 'em!