How to handle emotional cheating? *long*

[rainyjewels]

something you guys said really struck a chord w/me - she's worrying that something she does now can "throw away" 20 yrs of marriage, but he did that already by going through w/this affair. at some point in the beginning of the affair, he chose to reciprocate to this girl instead of reflecting on his tendencies and approaching his wife about his unexpected feelings so they can work on this problem together. he disrespected her, he ignored her, and he hurt her w/o a second thought, all at the time when she needs him the most. seriously, what a son of a ...

[Zophie]

yeah, she wouldn't be throwing anything anyway but some dead weight if she got rid of him.

In my opinion one of the most self-insulting things a person can do is try to make soemone stick around who doesn't want to. Why would you want to lower yourself to the level of begging? I've seen both men and women do it, and all it does is lower your self worth. But that's just my opinion.

[fiatflux]

Originally Posted by rainyjewels

in order for that to happen, i think he needs to reveal EVERYTHING about the affair - including all the emails, texts, etc. so that all the cards are on the table and they can begin to deal with it.

Yes, he does ... here's a letter that might help along those lines ... obviously it would need editing to fit her situation, but maybe it will give her something to start with.

-------------------------
Obtained from:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt...3005779&page=0

This is a classic letter ... applicable when your adulterous spouse is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendos of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

(end of Joseph's Letter)

[rainyjewels]

^^ wow, that letter rocks. it's so indisputable. i wish i could translate it into their language for them. thank you so much...so many good points in there.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by fiatflux

It doesn't matter whether or not they have a policy in the long run -- the point is to expose the affair to the light of day so that it can't continue.

I guess I don't understand what you mean? I get that the point is to expose the affair, I wasn't suggesting that it be kept under wraps.

[fiatflux]

I didn't mean to come across like I was disagreeing. I just meant to emphasize that it is useful to expose it on the job even if Human Resources says, "well we can't do anything about it...we don't have a policy." Just the mere fact that people on the job find out about it will help to kill the affair.

[gillianna]

By not telling anyone about the affair he is getting away with it. Talk about the affair and the power it holds would be freedom for this woman. Yes, his family and friends should know.......let him realize that he dishonored his wife and he is the one at fault. Who knows how he might twist this to make his wife look bad. If he offeres her no support with her upcoming surgery then that itself speaks about what a horrible person he is. Maybe she should get a lawyer and protect some assets before he decides to move them.

[keya]

Originally Posted by socalgrl86

Emotional affairs are as bad, if not worse, than sexual affairs because the person is putting all their energy and emotions into someone else. They are falling in love.

I agree, emotional affairs are even worse than a random booty call. This hits close to home, and I feel for the OP's friend Having your SO fall in love with another woman is truly painful, and if they want to save their marriage he must make sure to NEVER see this woman again! Either he must get another job, or she must, or he'll probably keep fantasizing about her forever.

[rainyjewels]

update on the situation:

the husband has broken down crying, profusely apologizing, saying how he can't believe he did something like this to her, and that now he realizes no other woman in the world is as amazing as her and will love him as much as she does. he promises it'll never happen again and he'll cherish her so much more from now on. she of course wants to believe this is all true and wants to continue on w/the marriage because even after 20 yrs, he's the love of her life and she says she'll be devastated and extremely unhappy not to have him in her life. she has given her entire life and being to this man and can't imagine ever doing it again with anyone else. She has told his family (except his mother, who we fear may have a heart attack if she knew) and her family, and everyone's fully supporting her and in disbelief over him. for the past few days he's been amazing to her, so i hope it's not a phase inspired by momentary guilt and will at least last her through her surgery.

of course her heart has yet to catch up w/her head...her head's saying, how the heck are you going to stay after this? and her heart still loves the man she once knew. she's told him she forgives him, but in crying to me she confides there's no way a wound this deep can ever heal and she'll never forgive him. i kept telling her she needs to leave or at least separate for a while, but ultimately i realized i can't possibly imagine how she feels right now or in this marriage, so if she's so determined to stay, perhaps constantly doubting her husband's words/intentions will only hurt her more. at least he's making an effort now and treating her like a queen. even if it's temporary, it's at least good for her health for now.

...and since she's determined to stay and keep the family together, exposing this affair at his work is not an option because it would ruin the career he's spent decades building and even worse, his pristine reputation.

thoughts..?

[aaallabama]

^^ thanks for the update, i think it's good he's trying to make ammends...it's never easy, but i've heard that couples can get past these things sometimes...they've had a long life together & hopefully time will help heal the wounds...but he must promise to cut off all ties to this woman & if he can't leave his company, then she needs to leave...i don't think ruining his career is beneficial to anyone, but the other woman needs to be out of the picture entirely for things to work...it was totally pathetic that he broke down in tears over the thought of deleting the other woman's texts/e-mails & i hope he's already taken care of that

[fiatflux]

Is it possible for him to have no contact with with the "other woman" if they both continue working in their current positions in the company?

[rainyjewels]

he single-handedly made it possible for her to win awards/funding and be promoted, which of course is exactly playing to her wishes. there's a fear that if he fires her there will be retaliation, i.e. exposure of the affair, etc. he says he will just avoid her. the girl has apparently been losing interest also because she's been sending him constant hints on stuff to get her but he hasn't brought himself to do it yet.

honestly i think this is all a bunch of bs. overnight he can suddenly not see her or feel anything for her, when just 4 days ago he was asking me about designer bags obviously because he was considering buying one for her. apparently it was his attempt to regain her affection. this is 4 days ago!!! i guess the best we can believe is that he will try his best to let his feelings fade. i dunno.

[fiatflux]

You're right, it is a bunch of BS that he can get over her 'just like that.' If it's not realistically possible for him to have complete no contact with the OW at the workplace, then your friend probably should push the issue of him finding a new job.

I'm so sorry she's having to deal with this at all...but it's doubly awful that she's having to undergo all this stress right before her surgery!

[LeeMiller]

Well depending on where your friend is located there could be a serious lawsuit if the affair was exposed. Remember the World Bank scandal recently?

Anyways, your friend might consider having assets moved to her name and getting a post-nup at this point, at the very least talking to some top attorneys about the situation. (That way they can't represent her husband should he change his mind, well depending on where you are).

[dallas]

Quote:

she's told him she forgives him, but in crying to me she confides there's no way a wound this deep can ever heal and she'll never forgive him.

I think she, above all, needs to be true to her feelings and telling him she forgives him, when she doesn't is not going to help her to heal. It will help only help him feel better and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve to.