How to handle emotional cheating? *long*

[lolitakali]

Tell your GF, to have him show the text msg to her so she can deal with it "alone", meanwhile forwarding it to her own phone/e-mail as evidence (don't ever delete it even when she patch up with the hubby; if reaching that point, just either lied that it is deleted or set up a private account without his knowledge just for the evidence). She will need that just in case and also to keep tabs on the husband.

Evidence when pulled at the right time could salvage a marriage or salvage HER own future.

Make sure she tell the "other" woman that she will always be the MRS since she will never leave the husband (that is if she does not want to leave) and she will be OK with her as Mistress (as once the "lust" factor is out of the husband's system, a new "lust" will replace her. But she the MRS will always be the one in the open, "in the right with his rightful name and his will" better just say MRS, details give the other person IS power! (make sure she have him set the will to only the wife and kids to show his loyalty right NOW "and at this point when he is vulnerable she will want to do that.) The will proves he is NOT cheating... of course even if he is as long as he wills it to her, she still is in power of the finance, VERY IMPORTANT!

If he ever cheats and she wants to walk, she'll be financially taken care of.
If he cheats BUT she does not want to leave, keep the husband "hiding" the mistress because this way at least she ensure he comes home to her with the "guilty" heart and when he finally tires of the mistress's antics (sex can only hold man for a while), he'll come back to his own wife bearing his whole fortune as a guilt gift.

That was an advise given by a fellow Asian friend of mine from a true experience with 2 of her friend who both have cheating husband. The one who kept silent eventually stashed away all her husband's fortune before leaving him penniless for his sins. Revenge is best served cold and she have to start preparing at this point with her husband still in full trust of her.

[socalgrl86]

Oh dear....I just went through this with my ex about 4 months ago which is why i'm divorcing him. Emotional affairs are as bad, if not worse, than sexual affairs because the person is putting all their energy and emotions into someone else. They are falling in love. I feel so horrible for your friend, I also remember my ex husband deleting all the text messages and trying to hide emails which i eventaully found. I found EVERYTHING and I caught him with his little "affair" on the phone. If this isnt councidence then i dont know what is. I called him and he accidentally turned his phone on IN THE MIDDLE of his conversation with his new girlfriend having no idea i was on the other line.

Tell your friend to be VERY strong but I personally think she should walk. No one should have to go through that kind of pain and it's going to be a very difficult road ahead of her emotionally but she is worth so much more than that. I cant even bear the thought of me once loving my cheating ex and i know with alot of hard work your friend will too.

[RowanOak]

^^I think emotional affairs are just as bad too (and maybe worse). This is not a one night stand that she could - in time - come to some terms with, but rather someone he is obviously serious about.

This is heartbreaking for her, and especially facing a major surgery. Twenty years is just a long time to throw away, but at the same time, what he has invested in this girl emotionally after all these years with his wife, is not easy to "throw away" either. I feel for her so.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by rainyjewels

^^ you think so? he's in a position of extremely high power and respect, so i think both of them think the humiliation of the reveal would irreparably damage the marriage and he would never forgive her.

I think this is actually good leverage for the wife. Maybe she could give him the option of finding a new office/workplace away from the girl, or her getting him fired or really humiliated at work. Doesn't his office have any sort of employee-relations policy?

It really seems like his humiliation at work is so minuscule compared to what she's going through, but of course I'm taking her side. I think the reason she doesn't want to let the family in on it may have something to do with her pride (not meaning this in a bad way, it's just so damaging to think that you might not be all your SO needs) and being humiliated in front of friends and family who think you have it all together.

You're such a good friend to be there for her through all of this, I'm sure she really needs you!

[lilach]

oh my ! first of all you are such a good friend to be there for her and to support her ! well in the situation you describes i would advise her not to walk but to run (to the best divorce lawyers in town to get them all to work for her) if she absolutely does not want to leave him she should at least prepare for round two (what is eventually going to happen when he meets the next ego booster. if he had no problems getting emotional with someone else once there absolutely is the chance for it to happen again but next time maybe with a girl who knows how to play her cards right ) and sort out everything and get advice from a divorce lawyer. cause belive me there is nothing worse then beeing unprepared when beeing handed over the divorce papers and you do not want her sitting on the streets .

[rupbasoli]

I hope your friend can work this out to what is best for her!

Another consideration... while the affair HAS to end, it will need to be done with a little finesse as if this girl is as big of a gold digger as intimated in the original thread, would she go the whole sexual harassment angle? Even though it has been a 2 way street, he is the more senior employee....

[keodi]

Wow, this situation seems messy but one thing for sure I think they should seek marriage counseling, I mean 20 years is a lot to just throw away.

[fiatflux]

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

I think this is actually good leverage for the wife. Maybe she could give him the option of finding a new office/workplace away from the girl, or her getting him fired or really humiliated at work. Doesn't his office have any sort of employee-relations policy?

It doesn't matter whether or not they have a policy in the long run -- the point is to expose the affair to the light of day so that it can't continue.

[gacats]

I can only speak from what I would do in this case, and I'm in a 23 year very happy marriage.
If it were me, I would divorce him & take him to the cleaners, get the house, the furniture, everything I could get my hands on.
I would never stand for this kind of DISRESPECT from my spouse.

[Virgo]

Originally Posted by titania029

Wow, that's awful for you friend! Leaving is easier said than done, of course. They have been married 20 years, and happily. The marriage is definitely worth fighting for. I think your friend should sit her husband down and ask if he wants to make the marriage work. If he does, then they should seek some counseling. It might take an outsider's perspective for him to see why his actions are hurting her. Good luck to her!

ITA!! Good luck to them.

[DamierLover]

I think nothing can be done by your girlfriend alone. Her husband has to want to save the relationshops. Sounds like what he wants is the young gold-digger. Stay close to your friend, she is gonna need you. Good luck.

[wordpast]

Originally Posted by gacats

I can only speak from what I would do in this case, and I'm in a 23 year very happy marriage. If it were me, I would divorce him & take him to the cleaners, get the house, the furniture, everything I could get my hands on. I would never stand for this kind of DISRESPECT from my spouse.

I'm with you. 20 years IS a long time to throw away. Too bad he didn't think about that.

[Pursegrrl]

Originally Posted by gacats

I can only speak from what I would do in this case, and I'm in a 23 year very happy marriage. If it were me, I would divorce him & take him to the cleaners, get the house, the furniture, everything I could get my hands on. I would never stand for this kind of DISRESPECT from my spouse.

ITA...20 years...c'mon!! RJ, everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you.

DH should be focused on taking care of his wife getting ready for surgery rather than fantasizing/texting lil' miss thing at the office.

[sarahcantiik]

2nd puberty for the husband perhaps?

I am ashamed to say this, but my dad kinda went a similar things few years back. I was the one who found out about the other woman's photo and her cards and such (she was only in her 30s) and my dad was so upset and ashamed that I found out he stopped seeing the bitch. I also made a point of calling her myself to let her know how I felt about her seeing my dad (not in a nice way, of course).

I like the idea of lolitakali btw. One never knew what's going to happen down the road it's best to protect herself (your friend that is).

I hope and pray that this infatuation with the young girl is only a temporary thing and will phase out itself. I was lucky in my dad's case that the bitch was married and wasn't so crazy as to pursue my dad further. I am not sure about the capability of this young girl though. She can be a psycho and the sight of $$ can prolly flip her mind and she might pursue your friend's DH more seriously.

[rainyjewels]

thank you guys for all your advice - it really helped me put things in perspective and it's always nice to hear my own thoughts echoed.

apparently her husband refuses to get a divorce. maybe it doesn't fit with his image/reputation, i don't know. i think you're all absolutely right - first thing to do is ensure the affair is over, and she can't just go on his word alone. i'm going to advise her to inform everyone of the affair (family, friends) so it's out in the open, and at least temporarily separate herself from him. he needs to realize how much he wants the marriage to continue and approach her with his desire to make an effort. if it were me and my husband did this at a time when he should be supporting me before a major surgery, i would leave him in a heartbeat but i don't think that's going to happen here, so it could be a good idea to start w/both of them cooling down and evaluating the marriage while exposing the affair and ensuring it ends. in order for that to happen, i think he needs to reveal EVERYTHING about the affair - including all the emails, texts, etc. so that all the cards are on the table and they can begin to deal with it.