How to be there for someone

mm16 · Jun 12th, 2008, 11:59 AM

I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and he made me aware of his relationship issues early on (thankfully). He has been hurt by people that he loved (previous girlfriends) and has a hard time letting himself go in a relationship-letting go in terms of letting himself feel and not blocking any emotions.

He's afraid to hurt me by doing this but he says that he feels different with me-I make him feel comfortable, safe, etc.I don't want to come on too strong with him or anything to scare him away.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to be there for someone who has gone through cheating, etc with a loved one. Maybe stories/experiences would help.

For some people letting go and letting your emotions ride is easier for others and since I haven't been through what he has, I don't know how to be there for him/what to do...etc.

TIA Ladies and gents

ilovepinkhearts · Jun 12th, 2008, 02:51 PM

well i have been cheated on and lied to and yadda yadda. so i know how bad it hurts and how hard it is it trust and to let the feelings out. i guess one thing that i can say is let him know that you are there to talk...or if he just wants to talk, you will listen. understand that he may not be all that willing to put full faith in you, and don't push him to. i don't know the full details of his wounds...but i know with myself it takes a long time to heal and it's not an easy process.

Veelyn · Jun 12th, 2008, 03:00 PM

Just be you, be REAL, listen to him when he needs it. Don't push him on certain issues. Try to give him space, but still let him know that you WANT to be there.. IDK... just be YOU! HTH :)

bagnshoofetish · Jun 12th, 2008, 03:06 PM

thats a toughie. if he believes he has some deep issues to deal with, he needs to deal with them as separate from you as he can. Are you guys wanting to begin a relationship? I've said this before to try not to become someones therapist who you are interested in romantically. Thats not how a strong relationship should begin IMO. You can be a good listener but try not to give too much advice. If he is telling you he is scared to hurt you, believe him. Be his friend and make that clear. He needs to get his pain and trust issues under control or he may just take all of that out on you. KWIM?

mm16 · Jun 12th, 2008, 04:00 PM

Thanks everyone!
The best thing for me to do is just be there for him. I mean this happened a few years ago apparently but he still has some issues with trust and letting his feelings out. I don't think he has been in any "serious" relationships since his x-gf cheated on him/lied to him so maybe he is thinking that he wants a serious relationship with me and that's why he is letting me know, etc..? hmm.

nooch · Jun 12th, 2008, 04:10 PM

I am swooping in to be the negative nancy here... just make sure he is truly interested in you and dating you and being with you. Too many times a man will "make all his relationship issues clear in the beginning" and "tell a girl that she's special and different" so she doesn't notice when he starts to pull his manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling, misogynistic BS.

Not saying this is the case, but it rang some warning bells that I wish I could have heard in the past.

bagnshoofetish · Jun 12th, 2008, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mm16

Thanks everyone!
The best thing for me to do is just be there for him. I mean this happened a few years ago apparently but he still has some issues with trust and letting his feelings out. I don't think he has been in any "serious" relationships since his x-gf cheated on him/lied to him so maybe he is thinking that he wants a serious relationship with me and that's why he is letting me know, etc..? hmm.

only time will tell. just be cautious and be aware of warning signs. if he starts to become controlling, or projecting any of his insecurities onto you, don't let it go any further. these are little things that can turn into big things....you are a very wise woman to want to hold back. that is your natural born womans intuition and its there for a reason. if more women listened to it, there would not be as many broken hearts as there are, self included.

mm16 · Jun 12th, 2008, 04:36 PM

Thanks *bagnshoofetish*. He has never projected any of his insecurities on me. I think I'm just afraid or nervous because I do have very strong feelings for him and I know he feels the same way about me but I'm scared to let it go to the next level without knowing that he's okay and that he isn't going to book. KWIM?

mm16 · Jun 12th, 2008, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooch

I am swooping in to be the negative nancy here... just make sure he is truly interested in you and dating you and being with you. Too many times a man will "make all his relationship issues clear in the beginning" and "tell a girl that she's special and different" so she doesn't notice when he starts to pull his manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling, misogynistic BS.

Not saying this is the case, but it rang some warning bells that I wish I could have heard in the past.

Thanks nooch for your opinion. Of course this has crossed my mind but he isn't that type of guy. He's genuine and sincere and like no other person I've ever met. :-)

bagnshoofetish · Jun 12th, 2008, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mm16

.........I'm scared to let it go to the next level without knowing that he's okay and that he isn't going to book. KWIM?

yeah thats the chance you take when getting into a relationship with anyone, even if he has no prior issues. anyone can "book" anytime for whatever reason. don't let that stop you from pursuing whatever happens when its right. there are never any guarantees when it comes to life.

nooch · Jun 12th, 2008, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mm16

Thanks nooch for your opinion. Of course this has crossed my mind but he isn't that type of guy. He's genuine and sincere and like no other person I've ever met. :-)

Good! The kinds of guys I'm talking about give the kinds of guys you're talking about a bad name

elle tee · Jun 12th, 2008, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

thats a toughie. if he believes he has some deep issues to deal with, he needs to deal with them as separate from you as he can. Are you guys wanting to begin a relationship? I've said this before to try not to become someones therapist who you are interested in romantically. Thats not how a strong relationship should begin IMO. You can be a good listener but try not to give too much advice. If he is telling you he is scared to hurt you, believe him. Be his friend and make that clear. He needs to get his pain and trust issues under control or he may just take all of that out on you. KWIM?

Very good advice!

Jun 12th, 2008, 11:59 AM	#1
mm16 #1 Pug Lover~! Location: Avon Lake, Ohio	How to be there for someone I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and he made me aware of his relationship issues early on (thankfully). He has been hurt by people that he loved (previous girlfriends) and has a hard time letting himself go in a relationship-letting go in terms of letting himself feel and not blocking any emotions. He's afraid to hurt me by doing this but he says that he feels different with me-I make him feel comfortable, safe, etc.I don't want to come on too strong with him or anything to scare him away. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to be there for someone who has gone through cheating, etc with a loved one. Maybe stories/experiences would help. For some people letting go and letting your emotions ride is easier for others and since I haven't been through what he has, I don't know how to be there for him/what to do...etc. TIA Ladies and gents __________________ Visit my mom's blog, www.jollieprimitives.blogspot.com. Visit imy mom's new website, www.jollieprimitives.com.

Jun 12th, 2008, 02:51 PM	#2
ilovepinkhearts hi, i'm danielle Location: Texas	well i have been cheated on and lied to and yadda yadda. so i know how bad it hurts and how hard it is it trust and to let the feelings out. i guess one thing that i can say is let him know that you are there to talk...or if he just wants to talk, you will listen. understand that he may not be all that willing to put full faith in you, and don't push him to. i don't know the full details of his wounds...but i know with myself it takes a long time to heal and it's not an easy process. __________________

Jun 12th, 2008, 03:00 PM	#3
Veelyn ♥LONDON♥ Location: The Zou!	Just be you, be REAL, listen to him when he needs it. Don't push him on certain issues. Try to give him space, but still let him know that you WANT to be there.. IDK... just be YOU! HTH :) __________________ ANIMAL CRUELTY IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE!! *PLEASE HELP GET JUSTICE FOR KARLEY!* *SIGN THE PETITION TODAY!* http://justice4karley.com/upcoming_events_3.html

Jun 12th, 2008, 03:06 PM	#4
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	thats a toughie. if he believes he has some deep issues to deal with, he needs to deal with them as separate from you as he can. Are you guys wanting to begin a relationship? I've said this before to try not to become someones therapist who you are interested in romantically. Thats not how a strong relationship should begin IMO. You can be a good listener but try not to give too much advice. If he is telling you he is scared to hurt you, believe him. Be his friend and make that clear. He needs to get his pain and trust issues under control or he may just take all of that out on you. KWIM? __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 12th, 2008, 04:00 PM	#5
mm16 #1 Pug Lover~! Location: Avon Lake, Ohio	Thanks everyone! The best thing for me to do is just be there for him. I mean this happened a few years ago apparently but he still has some issues with trust and letting his feelings out. I don't think he has been in any "serious" relationships since his x-gf cheated on him/lied to him so maybe he is thinking that he wants a serious relationship with me and that's why he is letting me know, etc..? hmm. __________________ Visit my mom's blog, www.jollieprimitives.blogspot.com. Visit imy mom's new website, www.jollieprimitives.com.

Jun 12th, 2008, 04:10 PM	#6
nooch bubblehead Location: new mexico via BROOKLYN NY	I am swooping in to be the negative nancy here... just make sure he is truly interested in you and dating you and being with you. Too many times a man will "make all his relationship issues clear in the beginning" and "tell a girl that she's special and different" so she doesn't notice when he starts to pull his manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling, misogynistic BS. Not saying this is the case, but it rang some warning bells that I wish I could have heard in the past. __________________ FAT AND FABULOUS! CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK NOT THE WAY YOU LOOK! http://www.natreasures.com Authentic American Indian jewelry & crafts All orders ship free PM me for discount codes

Jun 12th, 2008, 04:36 PM	#8
mm16 #1 Pug Lover~! Location: Avon Lake, Ohio	Thanks bagnshoofetish. He has never projected any of his insecurities on me. I think I'm just afraid or nervous because I do have very strong feelings for him and I know he feels the same way about me but I'm scared to let it go to the next level without knowing that he's okay and that he isn't going to book. KWIM? __________________ Visit my mom's blog, www.jollieprimitives.blogspot.com. Visit imy mom's new website, www.jollieprimitives.com.