How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated!

guancia · Feb 28th, 2008, 01:44 AM

Hi! I'm new to this forum. I usually stick to the Coach forum but decided to look around and stumbled here. Basically I need/would appreciate your input and advice on my little situation.

My ex and I just broke up at the end of October having been together for 3 years. I had a huge fit, needed something small, he didn't give it to me, maybe he just gave up at that point, I ran out, said we were done, gave it some time, said I was right, we broke up. Anyways, that's not the issue. I love this man so much, and he loves me, our problem is our conflicts. This is the 2nd time we have broken up. We do not have the same methods of talking about our issues/fights, I need to talk about it right away, he needs time. We have been seeing each other and I think we have fallen back into the boyfriend/girlfriend roles, but we both know we're not together. We are doing great, solving our problems, thinking about the other person when we are mad, how they would want to deal with it, and compromising.

So my questions is... with your SO or ex-SO, how many times did you break up and do you think it was a good idea to get back together?

I'm so sorry that this is so confusing, I'm just so confused. We both don't want to rush back into a relationship with a title because we are doing so well together right now and we're scared to lose each other. Ughhhhh...!!

sheishollywood · Feb 28th, 2008, 01:52 AM

My ex (you can read from the realizing his true colors thread) and I were together for 2 years and broke up 3 times. I think with every time we had broken up, it was another "layer" peeled off. There was a lot of resentment after awhile and it was easy to "walk away" when we needed space and not take a break up seriously.

Now that we have, I realized that we were just not compatible. We are not on the same page. We deal with things TOO differently... and frankly, he's just too damn immature for me.

daphodill84 · Feb 28th, 2008, 02:56 AM

I guess it all depends on the situation. I've had one breakup with my boyfriend, and I think the time apart made us realize how much we mean to each other.

But i've seen a lot of couples that break up repeatedly, and get back together. They just have explosive tempers and let their emotions get the best of them, and regret it in the morning.

I think if you break up multiple times after talking things through thoroughly, you have less of a chance of staying together than if you break up in a fit of anger. Reason? Because if you're reasonable and you're talking things through and you're making every effort to work things out, but can't and figure the best thing to do is to break up... well, it just seems like theres nothing more to be done, right?

daphodill84 · Feb 28th, 2008, 03:00 AM

I just want to add, I think it's good that you guys are taking it slow getting back together. You don't want to move too fast and then have another breakup. Good luck!

missmustard · Feb 28th, 2008, 03:00 AM

Of all the boyfriends I've had, the only one I broke up/got back together with repeateadly was the last one. But that was mainly because he was a total arse!

I think as long as you can talk things out and reach a middle ground, there's not a "limit" as to how many times you can break up.

Irissy · Feb 28th, 2008, 04:37 AM

My last ex was the only one that I broke up and got back with twice. He's the type that whenever he feels stress out over school/family, he has to take a break from everyone, including me. Then few months later, he'll always come crawling back. So the 3rd time we broke up, that was the final straw for me. Never again... To me, breaking up more than once it's already way too many.

helium · Feb 28th, 2008, 05:46 AM

Personally... I always think one break up is one break up too many. You broke up for a reason obviously, and then you go your separate ways, and feel incredible loneliness because of the break up. Sometimes it may be because you truly love them, but most times, it's because you're not used to not having him around. But many people consistently confuse that loneliness with love when it isn't, and then you break up again and again for a reason that is the same reason if you look deep into it. Like if he's not the type to listen, that time when you say 'let's break up' when he went out with his friends for the tenth time on a night you told him not to is exactly the same as the next time you break up with him and he keeps opening your mail and you tell him not to and he does not listen. Both comes down to him not listening, even if it appears to be different reasons that you broke up.

I'm very, very proud of you for coming to sorting out compromises for how to deal with the conflicts, but what is behind these conflicts is what you two need to talk about. Conflicts break up couples, no doubt about it. Being able to sort them out is important, but it's kind of like having a plan for how to rebuild a house when it falls down. What you should be trying to do here is make sure the house doesn't fall down in the first place! If it's something that's part of him, you might need to have a deep talk with yourself. Like my ex was a very ungrateful man. Unfortunately ungratefulness was just not something I could tolerate, and we broke up. We had a myriad of fights over his ungratefulness, but in the end I couldn't change it.

If there is one type of break up that I think stands a chance, it would be say, if one of them had to move far away. I had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend because she was moving interstate. I felt horrible because they were so clearly made for each other, but they said long distance was just too much to bear. In the end, she came back and they got back together again and they're still going strong.

keya · Feb 28th, 2008, 10:07 AM

I've only been in two serious relationships and both times we broke up twice and that was it for me. Actually, my not-that-serious relationship was also broken up twice. I'm not quite masochistic enough to go back for heartbreak a third time.

razorbackbelle0 · Feb 28th, 2008, 10:33 AM

My two most serious relationships, I broke up and got back together with the guy 3 times (each relationship). Half of the time it was me walking away, half the time it was him. I've seen it happen a lot with other couples, too, and it's really something to think about-- if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, will you just separate/divorce every time you fight? It's not a healthy way to do it, and you need to talk through things to make the relationship work; if there isn't some common ground achieved, it'll never last.

Good luck!

merika · Feb 28th, 2008, 11:51 AM

One breakup might be the time to find out if you really can't live without each other, but more breakups than that are simply too much. Why prolong the agony?

guancia · Feb 28th, 2008, 01:55 PM

Thank you so much for your advice. It's a very complicated situation. I have never been in a relationship longer than 5 months and even that one was off and on. It seems that I lose interest after 3 months. I tend to have a little bit of a temper and a bit stubborness.

I think we both think that two times is more than enough break ups which is why we are not rushing back into the whole bf/gf title, even though we both want to go back to that and move on with our lives together. I also think that because he's a child of divorce, he wants to make sure that this will last. (I know there are never any guarantees) I also think he has issues with relationships because he has such a bad one with his father.

I wish it was all easier. I also don't think it's a lonliness thing. I don't think I would have a huge issue finding someone, I just don't see myself, or want to, with anyone else. All I know is that I love him.

helium · Feb 28th, 2008, 07:49 PM

I really don't want to say 'this shouldn't be happening if you truly love each other...' but um...

I'm not here judging whether you two love each other or not. That's just stupid, i've never met you two before, and even if I have I wouldn't have a clue. What I am trying to say is this: love shouldn't be so hard. This might sound completely stupid, but well, i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we've not had a fight once. Every disagreement we could have is solved by a serious talk before it actually happens, and every disagreement we've had is something that we could solve. Like a misunderstanding or something. Nothing about his personality or how he does things annoys me. In fact, it would be hypocritical of me to be annoyed because we do things the same way.

My point is, you need to lay these cards out on the table and look at them with your head. Forget the fact that you love him first, which may be hard, but it is necessary. Think about why you two really keep fighting. Petty things have a common theme underneath them.

Couples that love should just click... they shouldn't feel a need to break up every time they fight.

Speedy · Feb 28th, 2008, 09:32 PM

I think if you KNOW you are stubborn and have a hit temper and it appears you are the one who keps saying "it's over", perhaps you need to work on why you are stubborn and hot-headed? If I'd let every little thing about DH bother me (and I'm REALLY stubborn!) we would have never gotten married.

Good luck.

Traci · Feb 28th, 2008, 09:36 PM

Fighting is very common in any relationship. The reason for this is: when two people spend an inordinate amount of time together, there are bound to be some disagreements. What matters most is HOW you deal with them. First, you must be honest with yourself regarding how you feel about fighting and breaking up, then you must be honest and communicate with him about those feelings you have. Communication is the key in any relationship. Honest, respectful communication is going to go a long way in straightening out any misconceptions the two of you have about getting back together.

Breaking up when you fight is not really that big of a deal, especially when you are young.

Many married couples fight also, and cannot just "break up" so they are more likely to learn HOW to fight (there are right and wrong ways) and to communicate their needs.

I wouldn't worry so much about how many times you've broken up already, I'd examine WHY you broke up and then think about those issues and how you want to deal with them in the future. Taking it slow, like you are doing now, is a great start.

guancia · Feb 29th, 2008, 12:57 AM

Thanks again! Helium I understand what you're saying. We're both going into this, figuring out why we were fighting and what are issues are/were. He has/had a tendancy to not listen at times and not want to talk about his feelings or acknowledging that I was mad. This doesn't seem to be the case right now. (I know I can't change him!) He has been talking to me more about when he's upset and trying to talk to me when we have a disagreement. We do not want to jump the gun, but we do want to work on things first. Understand what our problems were in the past. I have been learning to pick and choose my battles. What's the point in getting mad at every little thing?! If he doesn't want to watch my show, so be it, I should give in every once and awhile. Which is what I'm learning to do. I'm glad that you(Helium) have never been in a fight with your SO. That's amazing, but I don't think that will ever be with me and my ex, or any other man. But you're right, communication is key. We had an open communication before, and now it's becoming a stronger one.

Thank you Traci for your advice. It's really reassuring. We both had our turns to break up. He was first, I did it second. The problems were fairly similar but I don't think we took it as seriously as we do now. We have been going really strong for about 4 months now, which I think is a great start. We still have our little tiffs but we are talking about it, and I think we're actually thinking about our actions and what the outcome could be for both of us. So I think that is helping in stopping our conflicts before it starts.

My boss said it best, " I don't understand why such good friends can't be good lovers." Ha ha....

Feb 28th, 2008, 01:44 AM	#1
guancia gimme more! Location: Ontario, Canada	How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Hi! I'm new to this forum. I usually stick to the Coach forum but decided to look around and stumbled here. Basically I need/would appreciate your input and advice on my little situation. My ex and I just broke up at the end of October having been together for 3 years. I had a huge fit, needed something small, he didn't give it to me, maybe he just gave up at that point, I ran out, said we were done, gave it some time, said I was right, we broke up. Anyways, that's not the issue. I love this man so much, and he loves me, our problem is our conflicts. This is the 2nd time we have broken up. We do not have the same methods of talking about our issues/fights, I need to talk about it right away, he needs time. We have been seeing each other and I think we have fallen back into the boyfriend/girlfriend roles, but we both know we're not together. We are doing great, solving our problems, thinking about the other person when we are mad, how they would want to deal with it, and compromising. So my questions is... with your SO or ex-SO, how many times did you break up and do you think it was a good idea to get back together? I'm so sorry that this is so confusing, I'm just so confused. We both don't want to rush back into a relationship with a title because we are doing so well together right now and we're scared to lose each other. Ughhhhh...!!

Feb 28th, 2008, 01:52 AM	#2
sheishollywood INDEPENDENTBYCHOICE Location: Vancouver	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! My ex (you can read from the realizing his true colors thread) and I were together for 2 years and broke up 3 times. I think with every time we had broken up, it was another "layer" peeled off. There was a lot of resentment after awhile and it was easy to "walk away" when we needed space and not take a break up seriously. Now that we have, I realized that we were just not compatible. We are not on the same page. We deal with things TOO differently... and frankly, he's just too damn immature for me. __________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it" Wishlist 2009 [ ] Marc Jacobs - Airliner Jacquard Pilot Bag [x]Trip to NYC [ ] Gucci - Joy Tote, Medium Lilac [ ]Chanel - Quilted Jumbo Flap Bag [x] Trip to Vegas

Feb 28th, 2008, 02:56 AM	#3
daphodill84 Member	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! I guess it all depends on the situation. I've had one breakup with my boyfriend, and I think the time apart made us realize how much we mean to each other. But i've seen a lot of couples that break up repeatedly, and get back together. They just have explosive tempers and let their emotions get the best of them, and regret it in the morning. I think if you break up multiple times after talking things through thoroughly, you have less of a chance of staying together than if you break up in a fit of anger. Reason? Because if you're reasonable and you're talking things through and you're making every effort to work things out, but can't and figure the best thing to do is to break up... well, it just seems like theres nothing more to be done, right? __________________ Wishlist: Grenat, Ink, Sapphire/Violet, Bubblegum, Sahara, Rouge Theatre, '05 White, Amethyst, Electric Blue, Turquoise. RM Rosegold/Whitewash Matinee, Violet Matinee, Tangerine Plan B Hobo, BBW MAM, Rosegold MAM, Ocean Steady, Black Elisha, Getaway Satchel. MAM in every colour! My Collection (Work in Progress): http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...ng-270617.html

Feb 28th, 2008, 03:00 AM	#4
daphodill84 Member	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! I just want to add, I think it's good that you guys are taking it slow getting back together. You don't want to move too fast and then have another breakup. Good luck! __________________ Wishlist: Grenat, Ink, Sapphire/Violet, Bubblegum, Sahara, Rouge Theatre, '05 White, Amethyst, Electric Blue, Turquoise. RM Rosegold/Whitewash Matinee, Violet Matinee, Tangerine Plan B Hobo, BBW MAM, Rosegold MAM, Ocean Steady, Black Elisha, Getaway Satchel. MAM in every colour! My Collection (Work in Progress): http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...ng-270617.html

Feb 28th, 2008, 03:00 AM	#5
missmustard Prima Donna Assoluta Location: Monterrey, Mexico	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Of all the boyfriends I've had, the only one I broke up/got back together with repeateadly was the last one. But that was mainly because he was a total arse! I think as long as you can talk things out and reach a middle ground, there's not a "limit" as to how many times you can break up. __________________

Feb 28th, 2008, 04:37 AM	#6
Irissy Meow?! Location: California	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! My last ex was the only one that I broke up and got back with twice. He's the type that whenever he feels stress out over school/family, he has to take a break from everyone, including me. Then few months later, he'll always come crawling back. So the 3rd time we broke up, that was the final straw for me. Never again... To me, breaking up more than once it's already way too many. __________________ Wish List: black suhali lockit MM damier azur speedy 25 B-bag RED twiggy

Feb 28th, 2008, 05:46 AM	#7
helium Member	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Personally... I always think one break up is one break up too many. You broke up for a reason obviously, and then you go your separate ways, and feel incredible loneliness because of the break up. Sometimes it may be because you truly love them, but most times, it's because you're not used to not having him around. But many people consistently confuse that loneliness with love when it isn't, and then you break up again and again for a reason that is the same reason if you look deep into it. Like if he's not the type to listen, that time when you say 'let's break up' when he went out with his friends for the tenth time on a night you told him not to is exactly the same as the next time you break up with him and he keeps opening your mail and you tell him not to and he does not listen. Both comes down to him not listening, even if it appears to be different reasons that you broke up. I'm very, very proud of you for coming to sorting out compromises for how to deal with the conflicts, but what is behind these conflicts is what you two need to talk about. Conflicts break up couples, no doubt about it. Being able to sort them out is important, but it's kind of like having a plan for how to rebuild a house when it falls down. What you should be trying to do here is make sure the house doesn't fall down in the first place! If it's something that's part of him, you might need to have a deep talk with yourself. Like my ex was a very ungrateful man. Unfortunately ungratefulness was just not something I could tolerate, and we broke up. We had a myriad of fights over his ungratefulness, but in the end I couldn't change it. If there is one type of break up that I think stands a chance, it would be say, if one of them had to move far away. I had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend because she was moving interstate. I felt horrible because they were so clearly made for each other, but they said long distance was just too much to bear. In the end, she came back and they got back together again and they're still going strong.

Feb 28th, 2008, 10:07 AM	#8
keya Member	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! I've only been in two serious relationships and both times we broke up twice and that was it for me. Actually, my not-that-serious relationship was also broken up twice. I'm not quite masochistic enough to go back for heartbreak a third time.

Feb 28th, 2008, 10:33 AM	#9
razorbackbelle0 Sofa King Banned Location: Raiding PBC's closet... shh!	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! My two most serious relationships, I broke up and got back together with the guy 3 times (each relationship). Half of the time it was me walking away, half the time it was him. I've seen it happen a lot with other couples, too, and it's really something to think about-- if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, will you just separate/divorce every time you fight? It's not a healthy way to do it, and you need to talk through things to make the relationship work; if there isn't some common ground achieved, it'll never last. Good luck!

Feb 28th, 2008, 11:51 AM	#10
merika Just me Location: In front of a computer	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! One breakup might be the time to find out if you really can't live without each other, but more breakups than that are simply too much. Why prolong the agony? __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Feb 28th, 2008, 01:55 PM	#11
guancia gimme more! Location: Ontario, Canada	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Thank you so much for your advice. It's a very complicated situation. I have never been in a relationship longer than 5 months and even that one was off and on. It seems that I lose interest after 3 months. I tend to have a little bit of a temper and a bit stubborness. I think we both think that two times is more than enough break ups which is why we are not rushing back into the whole bf/gf title, even though we both want to go back to that and move on with our lives together. I also think that because he's a child of divorce, he wants to make sure that this will last. (I know there are never any guarantees) I also think he has issues with relationships because he has such a bad one with his father. I wish it was all easier. I also don't think it's a lonliness thing. I don't think I would have a huge issue finding someone, I just don't see myself, or want to, with anyone else. All I know is that I love him.

Feb 28th, 2008, 07:49 PM	#12
helium Member	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! I really don't want to say 'this shouldn't be happening if you truly love each other...' but um... I'm not here judging whether you two love each other or not. That's just stupid, i've never met you two before, and even if I have I wouldn't have a clue. What I am trying to say is this: love shouldn't be so hard. This might sound completely stupid, but well, i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we've not had a fight once. Every disagreement we could have is solved by a serious talk before it actually happens, and every disagreement we've had is something that we could solve. Like a misunderstanding or something. Nothing about his personality or how he does things annoys me. In fact, it would be hypocritical of me to be annoyed because we do things the same way. My point is, you need to lay these cards out on the table and look at them with your head. Forget the fact that you love him first, which may be hard, but it is necessary. Think about why you two really keep fighting. Petty things have a common theme underneath them. Couples that love should just click... they shouldn't feel a need to break up every time they fight.

Feb 28th, 2008, 09:32 PM	#13
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! I think if you KNOW you are stubborn and have a hit temper and it appears you are the one who keps saying "it's over", perhaps you need to work on why you are stubborn and hot-headed? If I'd let every little thing about DH bother me (and I'm REALLY stubborn!) we would have never gotten married. Good luck.

Feb 28th, 2008, 09:36 PM	#14
Traci MOD - tastic!	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Fighting is very common in any relationship. The reason for this is: when two people spend an inordinate amount of time together, there are bound to be some disagreements. What matters most is HOW you deal with them. First, you must be honest with yourself regarding how you feel about fighting and breaking up, then you must be honest and communicate with him about those feelings you have. Communication is the key in any relationship. Honest, respectful communication is going to go a long way in straightening out any misconceptions the two of you have about getting back together. Breaking up when you fight is not really that big of a deal, especially when you are young. Many married couples fight also, and cannot just "break up" so they are more likely to learn HOW to fight (there are right and wrong ways) and to communicate their needs. I wouldn't worry so much about how many times you've broken up already, I'd examine WHY you broke up and then think about those issues and how you want to deal with them in the future. Taking it slow, like you are doing now, is a great start. __________________ The blog is back! http://www.tra-world.blogspot.com/

Feb 29th, 2008, 12:57 AM	#15
guancia gimme more! Location: Ontario, Canada	Re: How many break ups is too many? Soooo confused! Advice GREATLY appreciated! Thanks again! Helium I understand what you're saying. We're both going into this, figuring out why we were fighting and what are issues are/were. He has/had a tendancy to not listen at times and not want to talk about his feelings or acknowledging that I was mad. This doesn't seem to be the case right now. (I know I can't change him!) He has been talking to me more about when he's upset and trying to talk to me when we have a disagreement. We do not want to jump the gun, but we do want to work on things first. Understand what our problems were in the past. I have been learning to pick and choose my battles. What's the point in getting mad at every little thing?! If he doesn't want to watch my show, so be it, I should give in every once and awhile. Which is what I'm learning to do. I'm glad that you(Helium) have never been in a fight with your SO. That's amazing, but I don't think that will ever be with me and my ex, or any other man. But you're right, communication is key. We had an open communication before, and now it's becoming a stronger one. Thank you Traci for your advice. It's really reassuring. We both had our turns to break up. He was first, I did it second. The problems were fairly similar but I don't think we took it as seriously as we do now. We have been going really strong for about 4 months now, which I think is a great start. We still have our little tiffs but we are talking about it, and I think we're actually thinking about our actions and what the outcome could be for both of us. So I think that is helping in stopping our conflicts before it starts. My boss said it best, " I don't understand why such good friends can't be good lovers." Ha ha....