How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents?

helium · Dec 12th, 2007, 11:16 PM

This one's a little complicated. Let me just get this one thing straight right now: my boyfriend is the best guy in the world. He makes sure I go out to dinner with him at least once a week, every week, does the housework that I hate doing (vacumning... gah I can't spell that word, ever!) without asking, if he catches me doing it he will force it off my hands and start doing it, doesn't ever come home after 9pm so I don't worry about him, doesn't ever come home drunk like some 18 year old boys do at 3am (we're both 18), buys random things for me that he thinks I would like approximately.... every month. I could go on and on and on and fill up my whole post about how wonderful he is.

We've been together for 3 years... sort of (we don't really know when to count, it kind of just happened) and we met in high school. His mum met me once (by met I mean she saw me from like 3 metres away and didn't talk to me) and immediately did not like me because she saw that my dad is Chinese. There's a Taiwan China conflict right now where Taiwan wants to be independent from China and China's like '...mm... no...' and so his Taiwanese family holds resentment towards the Chinese, which is what my dad is unfortunately. So she goes home, calls up all her gossipy friends and tells them that her son has been put under the spell of a 'witch', who knows what i'm doing to him, he's been acting weird, so on so forth. His dad hears, freaks out that he's so devoted to me, immediately flies back to tell him about how if you don't try on more women you'll end up regretting it, and this one sounds really bad not that he had ever met me!

Now three years later though, and too many rumours surrounding me but his parents have not even met me once properly, i'm starting to wonder. Should he have bought me to meet his parents earlier? The reason he didn't was because that day we bumped into each other... 3 metres away his mum already had in her mind that I am not worthy to be her son's partner, and as a result he's scared of taking me home half because he's scared i'll run out crying, and half because he's scared of what will happen. He has defended me before, but his brand of defending is... well timid, and he's such a pushover which is just him, I can't change that. He'd say 'she's not like that' and then his mum will shoot him down and he'll just sit there quietly. I kind of blew up at him after seeing my friend meet her boyfriend's parents after a month of dating, problem is they're hardly a serious couple and they admit it. He's trying his best to amend things but he's far to timid to just take me home to meet his parents especially after he's left it to this now.

So I guess my question is, how long was it before your boyfriend took you home to meet his parents?

Side note: on the Bizarre Resentments page I said I ate dinner with them, that was not entirely true because I was trying to save space. What actually happened was we bumped into each other at a restaurant, while before her mum was sure my dad was Chinese she had no confirmation, his aunts at the table asked me. When I went back to my family's table, and later excused myself to go to the bathroom I couldn't help overhearing them talk about how i'm trying to marry them for his money and crap like that.

Speedy · Dec 12th, 2007, 11:47 PM

Well, I met DH's parents before we started dating, as I've said before he was dating my next-door nieghbor when I met him, my car broke down, he loaned me his truck while I got the car fixed... one day he needed the truck and asked me to swap it with the car he drove. At the time he lived with his folks, so I took the truck over to their home and met them.

They are/were (FIL passed in '03) the most wonderful people in the world.

In YOUR case, seems to me they hate you only for your ancestory. You have no idea how bad I feel about this, apparently you have deep respect and love for your boyfriend. Refreshing considering your ages! But I see little hope that they will find you a wonderful catch for their son, they are bigots to say such things only because your father is Chinese. Your bf has grown up listening to their hatred of the Chinese, although it seems he doesn't agree with it!

I really feel he's not taken you to meet them formally because he already KNOWS how they feel about you. He's trying to spare you the pain of what may happen at such a meeting. I can imagine what they've said to him beyond what you know, and without knowing it, they are chasing their child away. He's only doing what he knows how to do to protect you.

As a side note, I am meeting my son's new squeeze for the first time in a week or so. While I have no issues with her race, occupation or any other thing I know about her right now, I pray I can get over the feeling that my son has made another mistake... I MUST remind myself that she's NOT his last SO, who put him into incredible debt. It's a Mom thing...

helium · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Speedy

I really feel he's not taken you to meet them formally because he already KNOWS how they feel about you. He's trying to spare you the pain of what may happen at such a meeting. I can imagine what they've said to him beyond what you know, and without knowing it, they are chasing their child away. He's only doing what he knows how to do to protect you.

This is what I was thinking too, and a few of my friends agree. Others think he should've taken me to meet them earlier before many rumours about me started, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm half Chinese.

I'm not really looking for them to like me at this stage, I just want them to grudgingly accept that we are a couple, no matter how angry it makes them, and not a three year fling that's still going, and stop wishing we'd break up any day now because it's not going to happen! Ah I just want to slap them with a fish.

Speedy you come across to me as a rational person, so if your son's "new squeeze" (I really should use that term more often! It's really cute) is giving you bad vibes then I'd say you're right. Good luck for you, your son and her

.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:03 AM

speedy, if only u were my MIL! There nice (at times) but do not like me bc I am not Filipino (he is) or white. But to answer the OP's question, I met his folks about a weekish into it. His folks were on vacation in Europe for three months and we picked them up fronthe airport. Me meeting them was a but nervous, but shat I'm really scared of is when our parents both cone together to meet. His mom has said time and time before on how if someone has money and doesnt always buy designer things, how she looks down upon them. (my momis really a minimualist!) his mother has said a few hurtful things about my family. My mother agrees with me. She'll just wait for the wedding. There's no hurry to meet negative ppl.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:07 AM

haaha! "slapthem with a fish" dang, just realized how hungry I am now!!

caxe · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:08 AM

My BF's parents were long deceased before I met him, but he has older siblings whom he reveres as parents. His sister who is closest to him in age at 14 or so years older and I spoke on the phone about three weeks after me and him started going together (I wouldn't meet her in person for about another year and a half). We didn't meet in person, because she lives in New York. About three months after that, I met his other sister in person.

I kind of know how it feels when youre in-laws would prefer you be of a different ethnicity or be resentful of what you actually are. My BF confessed that one of his sisters always wanted him to bring home a blonde, blue-eyed girl, and she never really liked the fact that his first wife, like me, was black! She wanted light-skinned nephews and nieces (they are Hispanic). Either he was exaggerating or that was all in the past, though, because when we met she was very nice to me and accepting of me and there have been no conflicts. She would like for us to have a child...now she just wants more nephews and nieces period! She's a sweet lady, though, both of his sisters are. I wish I could have met his parents. I'm sure I would have adored them.

Speedy · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:23 AM

I'm probably more tolerant than most women my age because I so know what you are going through. I was so nice to my son's former girlfriend, even though she did a LOT of stuff to me and my son (she is Mormon, and gave my phone number to someone at her "ward", they called and tried to convert me) and she also got my son in thousands of dollars in debt, then decided it wasn't going to work because she is Mormon! I am so trying NOT to judge "A", my son is happy, she's (so far) nothing like "B" was. There was one incident that sent some flags up, but instead of stewing about it, I asked my son and he clarified it for me. I'm trying, I really am! "B" left a really bad taste in my mouth.

But, to judge someone simply on their race/races is bigotry, plain and simple. I've never allowed that to be part of my judgement of my kid's SO's, but I know that I'll be looking for fault only because my son didn't do so good the last time. I'm hoping to find out she's as wonderful as he says she is... just the fact she's not manic depressive like "B" was is points in her favor. Now if she doesn't judge me, I'm cool! LOL! Seriously, I just want my son to be happy. I really think she's more afraid to meet me than I am her! She has no idea I'm petrified right now, I so want her to like me!

My father's mother hated my Mom. My mother's people hated my father's people. Five kids later, they divorce. BUT! In my parents' case, they ALLOWED their parents to hone in on their relationship, thus ending any chance they could be happy. It sounds like your BF knows no matter what, his family isn't going to accept you for the mear fact you are not of his race, so deciding now not to bother to impress them is probably best. My mother suffered so much under my paternal family's little petty sh**, she never got herself involved in my relationships, and I am trying not to get involved in my kid's too. In fact, when "B" left my son, I told him about her giving my number to the Mormons here, and he got all upset. He asked me why I didn't tell him sooner, and I told him the LAST thing I wanted to do was be a meddling mother-in-law.

wordpast · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:36 AM

ummm, I think I met his parents after a few months of us dating?

Yes I think he hasn't taken you to formally meet them because he knows how they feel and doesn't want there to be drama. I think he should take you to meet them though, if nothing more than to signify that NO this isn't just some fling and that maybe they should get over it because you aren't going anywhere.

holly di · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:37 AM

My in-laws have known me since birth, but sometimes I still feel like my MIL doesn't think I am good enough for her "baby boy".

Hang in there it will get better!!((((HUGS)))))

QueenOfDa702 · Dec 13th, 2007, 12:39 AM

I knew my boyfriend and his parents about a year before we actually started dating, so I got lucky!

jellybebe · Dec 13th, 2007, 01:40 AM

I probably met my bf's parents about 2-3 weeks after we started dating but that is only because: 1) his mom is more like his friend (she was only 19 when she had him) and 2) meeting the parents is no big deal to him. I had an ex where I didn't meet his mom for 7 months and that was only because it was Christmas, when it was inevitable.

Chinese people can be crazy! I say that because I am Chinese (well, my dad is from HK and my mom is from Taiwan). They probably only got together because neither of them is from China per se. My mom will probably never truly like any of our SOs. (There are 4 kids and my sister has been married for 8 years.)

TnC · Dec 13th, 2007, 03:02 AM

I met my husbands mom before we dated. Apparently, she already knew a few things about me because he's been talking about all the time. I got to meet his dad a few months later because he lives in Japan and his parents are divorced. But I am blessed to have his family as in-laws because my parents clicked with them so quick. It was about a week after we started dating or even a bit less than a week when my family met his. We ended up sleeping over his house and our parents just drank and played cards. But I do know a friend whose in-laws did not like her cause she was not korean. They felt betrayed and yada yada. But they later accepted her because they got married and could do nothing about it. And now they get along but not how she really wants (like my in-laws). She tells me you can't get everything you want but at least she has a great husband and kids which matters more ofcourse.

chipmunk-pnw · Dec 13th, 2007, 06:14 AM

I met my in laws for the first time just after we got engaged

For past relationships, I usually met them after 8 dates or thereabouts.

helium · Dec 13th, 2007, 06:17 AM

Thanks for all the nice comments everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wordpast

ummm, I think I met his parents after a few months of us dating?

Yes I think he hasn't taken you to formally meet them because he knows how they feel and doesn't want there to be drama. I think he should take you to meet them though, if nothing more than to signify that NO this isn't just some fling and that maybe they should get over it because you aren't going anywhere.

This is exactly what I want. You must be telepathic

!

Charles · Dec 13th, 2007, 10:28 AM

3 years? I thought I was bad by waiting 8 months!

Dec 12th, 2007, 11:16 PM	#1
helium Member	How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? This one's a little complicated. Let me just get this one thing straight right now: my boyfriend is the best guy in the world. He makes sure I go out to dinner with him at least once a week, every week, does the housework that I hate doing (vacumning... gah I can't spell that word, ever!) without asking, if he catches me doing it he will force it off my hands and start doing it, doesn't ever come home after 9pm so I don't worry about him, doesn't ever come home drunk like some 18 year old boys do at 3am (we're both 18), buys random things for me that he thinks I would like approximately.... every month. I could go on and on and on and fill up my whole post about how wonderful he is. We've been together for 3 years... sort of (we don't really know when to count, it kind of just happened) and we met in high school. His mum met me once (by met I mean she saw me from like 3 metres away and didn't talk to me) and immediately did not like me because she saw that my dad is Chinese. There's a Taiwan China conflict right now where Taiwan wants to be independent from China and China's like '...mm... no...' and so his Taiwanese family holds resentment towards the Chinese, which is what my dad is unfortunately. So she goes home, calls up all her gossipy friends and tells them that her son has been put under the spell of a 'witch', who knows what i'm doing to him, he's been acting weird, so on so forth. His dad hears, freaks out that he's so devoted to me, immediately flies back to tell him about how if you don't try on more women you'll end up regretting it, and this one sounds really bad not that he had ever met me! Now three years later though, and too many rumours surrounding me but his parents have not even met me once properly, i'm starting to wonder. Should he have bought me to meet his parents earlier? The reason he didn't was because that day we bumped into each other... 3 metres away his mum already had in her mind that I am not worthy to be her son's partner, and as a result he's scared of taking me home half because he's scared i'll run out crying, and half because he's scared of what will happen. He has defended me before, but his brand of defending is... well timid, and he's such a pushover which is just him, I can't change that. He'd say 'she's not like that' and then his mum will shoot him down and he'll just sit there quietly. I kind of blew up at him after seeing my friend meet her boyfriend's parents after a month of dating, problem is they're hardly a serious couple and they admit it. He's trying his best to amend things but he's far to timid to just take me home to meet his parents especially after he's left it to this now. So I guess my question is, how long was it before your boyfriend took you home to meet his parents? Side note: on the Bizarre Resentments page I said I ate dinner with them, that was not entirely true because I was trying to save space. What actually happened was we bumped into each other at a restaurant, while before her mum was sure my dad was Chinese she had no confirmation, his aunts at the table asked me. When I went back to my family's table, and later excused myself to go to the bathroom I couldn't help overhearing them talk about how i'm trying to marry them for his money and crap like that. Last edited by helium; Dec 12th, 2007 at 11:20 PM.

Dec 12th, 2007, 11:47 PM	#2
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? Well, I met DH's parents before we started dating, as I've said before he was dating my next-door nieghbor when I met him, my car broke down, he loaned me his truck while I got the car fixed... one day he needed the truck and asked me to swap it with the car he drove. At the time he lived with his folks, so I took the truck over to their home and met them. They are/were (FIL passed in '03) the most wonderful people in the world. In YOUR case, seems to me they hate you only for your ancestory. You have no idea how bad I feel about this, apparently you have deep respect and love for your boyfriend. Refreshing considering your ages! But I see little hope that they will find you a wonderful catch for their son, they are bigots to say such things only because your father is Chinese. Your bf has grown up listening to their hatred of the Chinese, although it seems he doesn't agree with it! I really feel he's not taken you to meet them formally because he already KNOWS how they feel about you. He's trying to spare you the pain of what may happen at such a meeting. I can imagine what they've said to him beyond what you know, and without knowing it, they are chasing their child away. He's only doing what he knows how to do to protect you. As a side note, I am meeting my son's new squeeze for the first time in a week or so. While I have no issues with her race, occupation or any other thing I know about her right now, I pray I can get over the feeling that my son has made another mistake... I MUST remind myself that she's NOT his last SO, who put him into incredible debt. It's a Mom thing...

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:03 AM	#4
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? speedy, if only u were my MIL! There nice (at times) but do not like me bc I am not Filipino (he is) or white. But to answer the OP's question, I met his folks about a weekish into it. His folks were on vacation in Europe for three months and we picked them up fronthe airport. Me meeting them was a but nervous, but shat I'm really scared of is when our parents both cone together to meet. His mom has said time and time before on how if someone has money and doesnt always buy designer things, how she looks down upon them. (my momis really a minimualist!) his mother has said a few hurtful things about my family. My mother agrees with me. She'll just wait for the wedding. There's no hurry to meet negative ppl. __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:07 AM	#5
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? haaha! "slapthem with a fish" dang, just realized how hungry I am now!! __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:08 AM	#6
caxe I has ur gif. Location: The Southeast, US	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? My BF's parents were long deceased before I met him, but he has older siblings whom he reveres as parents. His sister who is closest to him in age at 14 or so years older and I spoke on the phone about three weeks after me and him started going together (I wouldn't meet her in person for about another year and a half). We didn't meet in person, because she lives in New York. About three months after that, I met his other sister in person. I kind of know how it feels when youre in-laws would prefer you be of a different ethnicity or be resentful of what you actually are. My BF confessed that one of his sisters always wanted him to bring home a blonde, blue-eyed girl, and she never really liked the fact that his first wife, like me, was black! She wanted light-skinned nephews and nieces (they are Hispanic). Either he was exaggerating or that was all in the past, though, because when we met she was very nice to me and accepting of me and there have been no conflicts. She would like for us to have a child...now she just wants more nephews and nieces period! She's a sweet lady, though, both of his sisters are. I wish I could have met his parents. I'm sure I would have adored them. __________________ Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:23 AM	#7
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? I'm probably more tolerant than most women my age because I so know what you are going through. I was so nice to my son's former girlfriend, even though she did a LOT of stuff to me and my son (she is Mormon, and gave my phone number to someone at her "ward", they called and tried to convert me) and she also got my son in thousands of dollars in debt, then decided it wasn't going to work because she is Mormon! I am so trying NOT to judge "A", my son is happy, she's (so far) nothing like "B" was. There was one incident that sent some flags up, but instead of stewing about it, I asked my son and he clarified it for me. I'm trying, I really am! "B" left a really bad taste in my mouth. But, to judge someone simply on their race/races is bigotry, plain and simple. I've never allowed that to be part of my judgement of my kid's SO's, but I know that I'll be looking for fault only because my son didn't do so good the last time. I'm hoping to find out she's as wonderful as he says she is... just the fact she's not manic depressive like "B" was is points in her favor. Now if she doesn't judge me, I'm cool! LOL! Seriously, I just want my son to be happy. I really think she's more afraid to meet me than I am her! She has no idea I'm petrified right now, I so want her to like me! My father's mother hated my Mom. My mother's people hated my father's people. Five kids later, they divorce. BUT! In my parents' case, they ALLOWED their parents to hone in on their relationship, thus ending any chance they could be happy. It sounds like your BF knows no matter what, his family isn't going to accept you for the mear fact you are not of his race, so deciding now not to bother to impress them is probably best. My mother suffered so much under my paternal family's little petty sh**, she never got herself involved in my relationships, and I am trying not to get involved in my kid's too. In fact, when "B" left my son, I told him about her giving my number to the Mormons here, and he got all upset. He asked me why I didn't tell him sooner, and I told him the LAST thing I wanted to do was be a meddling mother-in-law.

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:36 AM	#8
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? ummm, I think I met his parents after a few months of us dating? Yes I think he hasn't taken you to formally meet them because he knows how they feel and doesn't want there to be drama. I think he should take you to meet them though, if nothing more than to signify that NO this isn't just some fling and that maybe they should get over it because you aren't going anywhere. __________________

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:37 AM	#9
holly di Member Location: little rock, arkansas	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? My in-laws have known me since birth, but sometimes I still feel like my MIL doesn't think I am good enough for her "baby boy". Hang in there it will get better!!((((HUGS))))) __________________ It's a boy!!!!!!!

Dec 13th, 2007, 12:39 AM	#10
QueenOfDa702 Misunderestimated. Location: I've gone RAOKing crazy!	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? I knew my boyfriend and his parents about a year before we actually started dating, so I got lucky! __________________ ~Valeen~ Happy Holidays to all my tPF friends! Click HERE to visit MySpace Please help get justice for Karley! http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...ey-385571.html

Dec 13th, 2007, 01:40 AM	#11
jellybebe Back to school! Location: Canada	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? I probably met my bf's parents about 2-3 weeks after we started dating but that is only because: 1) his mom is more like his friend (she was only 19 when she had him) and 2) meeting the parents is no big deal to him. I had an ex where I didn't meet his mom for 7 months and that was only because it was Christmas, when it was inevitable. Chinese people can be crazy! I say that because I am Chinese (well, my dad is from HK and my mom is from Taiwan). They probably only got together because neither of them is from China per se. My mom will probably never truly like any of our SOs. (There are 4 kids and my sister has been married for 8 years.) __________________ Wish List: LV Farandole bracelet (WL) LV pink scuba pochette (WL) white Balenciaga City with GGH (?) Prada E/W Gauffre

Dec 13th, 2007, 03:02 AM	#12
TnC ♥ ♡ ♥ ♡ ♥	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? I met my husbands mom before we dated. Apparently, she already knew a few things about me because he's been talking about all the time. I got to meet his dad a few months later because he lives in Japan and his parents are divorced. But I am blessed to have his family as in-laws because my parents clicked with them so quick. It was about a week after we started dating or even a bit less than a week when my family met his. We ended up sleeping over his house and our parents just drank and played cards. But I do know a friend whose in-laws did not like her cause she was not korean. They felt betrayed and yada yada. But they later accepted her because they got married and could do nothing about it. And now they get along but not how she really wants (like my in-laws). She tells me you can't get everything you want but at least she has a great husband and kids which matters more ofcourse. __________________ ♥♥HAPPY HOLIDAYS♥♥

Dec 13th, 2007, 06:14 AM	#13
chipmunk-pnw ^.^ Location: USA	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? I met my in laws for the first time just after we got engaged For past relationships, I usually met them after 8 dates or thereabouts.

Dec 13th, 2007, 10:28 AM	#15
Charles Sucks at budgeting Location: Jacksonville, Fl	Re: How long before meeting your boyfriend's parents? 3 years? I thought I was bad by waiting 8 months!