[huong]

I'm 22 and finished college last May. I have a full time job and my parents live about 10 minutes away from my office. They are traditional asian parents and expect me to live at home until I'm married. They are not strict and let me do what I want. However, I want to be out on my own, just to be able to prove to myself that I can make it. It has nothing to do with them at all. But how can I get this point across to them without hurting them? I mentioned this last summer and got lectured and called selfish. I know at the end of the day, I could just pack up and leave, but I want to know what's the best way to do this without hurting our relationship. Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

[moi et mes sacs]

Well do bear in mind that economically its better to stay at home. But you are all grown up now and it may be time to fly the nest. Tell them you can visit at weekends and you can all sit and chat about how your week has been. Its always difficult for parents when we go.....

[HauteMama]

I am not Asian, so I have not lived through this myself, but I think being honest is the best policy. Tell them how much you love them and how much you appreciate everything they have done and helped you with. Then tell them that you feel that you need to live on your own in order to grow as a person into an adult. Tell them that while you love living with them, you crave the independence of having a place of your own.

If they truly disapprove of you leaving, there isn't much you can say to make them change their opinion. They will be hurt. But hopefully if you move and then continue to call and visit regularly (some friends of mine called their parents daily for a while after they moved out) they will realize that your views on this are just different from theirs and that you didn't want to "escape" them or not be around them.

Good luck. I imagine it won't be easy, no matter how you decide to approach it.

[huong]

Thanks for the advice HauteMamma. I love my parents a lot and we get along fine, so there really is not a good reason for me to leave except that I want to be on my own. I'm hoping that it won't damage our relationship. And I also know that living at home is better economically, but I've been home and saving up for about 9 months now. I think its time for me to move on.

[helium]

Being honest is always your best policy, but unfortunately since they're traditional and asian, there is no way to make them see your way and make them see that it's not the end of the world.

Expect lots of hurtful comments for the next few years. My boyfriend's parents are very traditional and asian, their friend's daughter moved out. All they do is talking about 'I love her, but I can't imagine why she'd do that! It's wrong!' (that's the parents talking), which means my boyfriend's parents, the friends, end up saying 'what a horrible daughter, just moving out like that!'.

My point is, you can't change tradition. My boyfriend and I have been trying for the years we've been together. Oh how we've tried everything to tell his parents i'm not a wicked demon stealing her son, and he's actually in love with me (shock horror!).

[la miss]

When I was ready to move out I found an apartment first before telling my family. I made sure it was very close. In fact, it was walking distance. I had talked about it casually, so it wasn't a complete surprise. At first my father was shocked and then angry but eventually accepted it. I think it helped that I was still so close I could come home every day if I wanted.

That was a long time ago but every once in a while my father still mentions it like it was such a waste of money, a sign of my stubborn nature etc.... It doesn't matter now but he never forgot it. Also I'm married now but he still feels like I kind of betrayed him a little even after all these years.

[elizat]

I'm not Asian, but I agree that honesty is the best policy. Maybe once they see why you are doing it, they'll understand. If you think you'll get a lot of criticism, maybe have the arrangements done and then tell them, so you don't have stumbling blocks.

What if you did not marry ever? I don't know your family, but I kind of assume that they'd want you to move on if you were in your 40's and be on your own, right?

[helium]

Originally Posted by elizat

I'm not Asian, but I agree that honesty is the best policy. Maybe once they see why you are doing it, they'll understand. If you think you'll get a lot of criticism, maybe have the arrangements done and then tell them, so you don't have stumbling blocks.

What if you did not marry ever? I don't know your family, but I kind of assume that they'd want you to move on if you were in your 40's and be on your own, right?

No. Traditional Asian parents expect women to stay at home until they marry (i'm assuming the OP's parents are traditional). Before then, leaving home is just plain wrong, there is no reason for a woman to leave home, full stop. None of this 'I need to go out on my own' thing, to them it's betrayal for having raised you up to the day of your marriage and you're bailing out before it.

If you don't marry, heaven forbid, although they will try to pair you up with someone for years and years until you really don't marry, you tend to just stay at home and then inherit their house when they die.
I'm being serious.

That's if you're really traditional (cough, boyfriend's parents). Most parents are pretty lenient when they get their kids to grow up in a western environment because they understand that their kids have grown up with different rules than them. But I know some that just point blank refuse to give up their traditions. My boyfriend's mum says 'we have black hair, not blonde hair, so we go by Taiwanese rules.'

[jellybebe]

Originally Posted by helium

No. Traditional Asian parents expect women to stay at home until they marry (i'm assuming the OP's parents are traditional). Before then, leaving home is just plain wrong, there is no reason for a woman to leave home, full stop. None of this 'I need to go out on my own' thing, to them it's betrayal for having raised you up to the day of your marriage and you're bailing out before it.

If you don't marry, heaven forbid, although they will try to pair you up with someone for years and years until you really don't marry, you tend to just stay at home and then inherit their house when they die.
I'm being serious.

That's if you're really traditional (cough, boyfriend's parents). Most parents are pretty lenient when they get their kids to grow up in a western environment because they understand that their kids have grown up with different rules than them. But I know some that just point blank refuse to give up their traditions. My boyfriend's mum says 'we have black hair, not blonde hair, so we go by Taiwanese rules.'

Ha ha that's why I dyed my hair blonde for 3 years and moved out during that time!
J/K, I'm lucky that my parents are pretty non-traditional. Of course if I wanted to live at home forever they would be cool with that but they have also come to realize that I'm my own person and I can get things done on my own.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by helium

No. Traditional Asian parents expect women to stay at home until they marry (i'm assuming the OP's parents are traditional). Before then, leaving home is just plain wrong, there is no reason for a woman to leave home, full stop. None of this 'I need to go out on my own' thing, to them it's betrayal for having raised you up to the day of your marriage and you're bailing out before it.

If you don't marry, heaven forbid, although they will try to pair you up with someone for years and years until you really don't marry, you tend to just stay at home and then inherit their house when they die.
I'm being serious.

That's if you're really traditional (cough, boyfriend's parents). Most parents are pretty lenient when they get their kids to grow up in a western environment because they understand that their kids have grown up with different rules than them. But I know some that just point blank refuse to give up their traditions. My boyfriend's mum says 'we have black hair, not blonde hair, so we go by Taiwanese rules.'

Wow, interesting. I would be such a disappointment to my parents if I had been born into a traditional Asian family, lol! I'm 26, unmarried and don't want to think about even getting married until I am into my 30's!

Good luck to you, OP- especially if your family is quite traditional. Helium's post brings a whole new light to possible expectations.

[Flipper]

Like everyone else said, just be honest with them and stress that it has nothing to do with them. I'm Asian from a traditional family and basically have the same "rule" on me too so I understand where you are coming from.

[IntlSet]

Wow. Funny. I just realized I know literally no traditional Asian parents. Because I don't know a single Asian person living with his/her parents. Learn something everyday...

[IntlSet]

I highly doubt your parents will disown you for your desire to strike it out on your own. Just tell them that you would like to live alone. It's a good experience to get to know oneself. If they're at all reasonable people, Asian parents or not, traditional or not, they aren't going to lash out at you.

[anneonimiss]

Oy! I would never marry and stay home with my daddy forever!!! My parents couldn't wait for us kids to leave!!!

I'm kidding...

Seriously, though, I think everyone above is giving you good advice. Be gentle with them, but live your own life. Your parents must understand that conflicts like this are inevitable since they chose to bring you up in a place where the attitudes about women and independence are so different from their original country. Best of luck to you. And kudos for being so mature at 22!

[huong]

Originally Posted by helium

No. Traditional Asian parents expect women to stay at home until they marry (i'm assuming the OP's parents are traditional). Before then, leaving home is just plain wrong, there is no reason for a woman to leave home, full stop. None of this 'I need to go out on my own' thing, to them it's betrayal for having raised you up to the day of your marriage and you're bailing out before it.

If you don't marry, heaven forbid, although they will try to pair you up with someone for years and years until you really don't marry, you tend to just stay at home and then inherit their house when they die.
I'm being serious.

'

You described my parents exactly. I wasn't too close to my parents when I was a teen and have rebuilt our relationship in the past few years. I don't want to damage it again.