How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ??

mellecyn · Jan 1st, 2008, 01:13 PM

where I live I only have one friend with a baby. I visit her regurlarly (she's on maternity leave) but of course we can't talk...we are just both looking at the baby and talking about him.That's fine, he's adorable !
But back home...I couldn't visit some people without one of them being pregnant, so guess the discussion....or some friends of friends have a new born so constant attention and they kept giving him to me bc apparently I have a calming power...And the highest was last night when for new year's eve we were basically baby sitting,(why do you bring your 2 year old ??) and keep the music down, etc.....
I love kids, but I hate not being able to have a cool discussion anymore, I have also this resentment bc I am newly single at 29 so this is just painful...I can't just avoid it,can I ? how do you deal with it ? My other friends are independant and/or single and also younger(but I don't want to date a 25 year old)....is this the solution ?

Pursegrrl · Jan 1st, 2008, 02:12 PM

Hi Mellecyn! If you are 29 and your friends are in their 20s, that's of course prime time for getting married, having babies, settling down. Heck it's even that way in our 30s!

It's a huge life change and I guess unless we become parents we probably won't ever know how all consuming it is and how much it can change our friends' lives. And it all depends on the friends too...

Just to share with you, I have two friends who each had babies in September and I used to see them all the time. I was unemployed all summer and I spent a lot of time with them going on walks in the sunshine when they were pregnant and just having our girl time. But now that the babies are here I haven't seen either of them. 1 of the GF's is not as close so I can kind of understand that, but the other really is a good friend and it is really painful to know I haven't met her new son IRL yet after 3 months! We email and chat on the phone sometimes, and she knows I want to see the baby but she had been dealing with post partum, some challenges with nursing and a whole slew of things that were overwhelming. Plus she's got her hands full with a new baby plus 3 older stepkids, a husband and somewhat wacky ex wife hovering around, plus her own family wanting to see the baby. So...I cut her some major slack of course! Life is totally different now. I don't see this as a loss of our friendship, rather we will see eachother again when she is ready...or maybe not, time will tell!

So back to your question...how do you deal with it? By being a loving and empathetic friend. I'm sure as things get adjusted your friends will also crave some adult time and things you used to do together before kids...that's what baby sitters are for!

sorry about the ramble...hope that helps? XXXOO PGal

cheweyvy · Jan 1st, 2008, 03:26 PM

Hi,

I am guilty of this.. I'm a mother of 2, and my social life has changed dramatically after I have my first child. I noticed most of my attentions were toward my babies, and my friends who I care so much slowly dissapearing. We used to hang out all the time, shopping together, lunch, dinner, bars, parties, travel, and do all sort of things that we could possibly think of.

I know friendship and social life were important to me, but I know my children and my family is THE most important subject in my life right now and will be continue to be my first priority in my life. One of my best friends once told me "it is hard to hang out with you now, because you always have to bring your daughter out wherever we go.. a stroller, smoke-free restaurant, child-friendly environment, that's why I haven't called you".. It broke my heart to hear that, but I do understand where she came from. I also "thanks" her for telling me how she feels about my "status" change as a "mother". Sometimes, I feel jealous for my singles/non-married friends that are able to go out and have fun without curfew and responsibilities.

It was hard in the beginning, but slowly, friends that are true to me are still around and are still able to spend lots of time shopping, doing nails, hit the spa or even go on vacations together. These friends are not necessary are married and have kids to be able to share fun with... They are singles, some have long term relationships, and some are also married. A few of my un-married friends always tell me how lucky I am to have a loving husband and 2 wonderful kids. Sometimes, they even tell me how jealous they are of me.

I think grass is always seem greener on the other side. But, I am no longer envy my singles/unmarried friends.. I just accept them as FRIENDS whom I truly love and care and appreciated. Being said that, still I try to make time and hang out with them whenever I can, but if I am too occupied with my kids, they DO understand. Good friends will be there no matter what.

You should understand life status changing is a big deal for your friends with babies now, and they do need your support and understanding. Tell her how you feel, and I am sure she will appreciate your honesty.... Hmm... I think I am speaking for your friend now...

hope this help!

cjj · Jan 1st, 2008, 05:17 PM

As you age, your priorities shift; either due to events that you have control over or those you do not (you choose to change jobs and what that might bring (longer commute, less time to socialize, more or less money) or your parent/SO/sibling has cancer, is in an accident and you become the prime caregiver are two examples). Change is normal; how you deal with it is always the issue. Your age is when the majority of people marry and/or have childrem. And the moment a child enters one life, the focus MUST be on the child. Friendships take a back seat the majority of the time. That is what must be done in order for the now family to take care of themselves and this new addition. You can either embrace it and understand this and accept it, you can step back and understand that for now, this is the way it will and you will need to move on to making new and additional friends or you can just bit by bit break away from the friendship. One of these 3 options is what people do (in my experience). None are right or wrong; they just are what they are and you need to do what you need to do.... for you.

You are all at different places in your life; and this will happen over and over and over again (in numerous ways) until the very end. The only thing I can add is to please don't take it personally. Many do and the reality is your friends probably don't realize how much their focus has shifted (as necessary as it is). Hugs.

queenvictoria2 · Jan 1st, 2008, 10:35 PM

I understand.
I had my DD when I was young and none of our friends had kids then and didn't "get" us and our lifestyle and NOW our DD is 20 years old and all of our friends have little kids and when we go out all they want to talk about is kid stuff and I couldn't care less

...
OR they CAN'T go out b/c they don't have a babysitter and I am free as a bird

merika · Jan 1st, 2008, 10:43 PM

My bff is not married. She found it hard when my son was a newborn and I was preoccupied with baby all the time. She was very understanding and helpful, and never let me see the frustrations she felt at that time. She helped out by sometimes dropping by and taking me and baby out for a snack or just a ride in the car...took me out of baby world for a minute and I loved her for that. Or she'd come by with a movie and a pizza and we'd watch the movie and have a girls night in.

I'm so happy she stayed on as my friend...she's still not married, my son is 8 and occasionally we laugh that if we grow old without any partners we'll set up house together!!!

caxe · Jan 1st, 2008, 11:25 PM

When my friends become that way I spend less time with them. I find that I have little in common anymore with my friends who choose parenthood, since I don't want children and don't find myself interested in hanging out with other people's children or talking about them or anything. I'll still see them on occasion, of course, and be civil, but I will be the first to admit that I don't find them as interesting anymore. So my answer is: I hang out with other friends, or my BF, or relatives or just by myself!

Rockst@r · Jan 2nd, 2008, 12:00 AM

I've never quite understood the phenomena of people who suddenly only have a sense of self as a parent. I love the hell out of dd, but keeping it very real, I know no one (except dh and mom) wants endless commentary about her, or want me dragging her to adult social visits. Some women never are the same after having kids. That's my nightmare. Shoot me if I trade in the Land Rover for a mini van! lol There has to be balance in life; of course one's children should be #1, but there needs to be "girlfriend time" and "dh/so time" time at least one night per month, sans children, kwim? Could you possibly arrange a once per month "girl's night out?" Or would it be perceived as insulting to not want the child present? Are there times you can arrange a phone call when the kids are asleep, even if only for 15mins? Little things like that keep a friendship going strong through having children.

keya · Jan 2nd, 2008, 10:50 AM

I find myself spending little time with those people too. I am not at all a baby-person and I find it hard to pretend like I am fascinated by other people's babies for extended periods of time.

merika · Jan 2nd, 2008, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

I've never quite understood the phenomena of people who suddenly only have a sense of self as a parent. I love the hell out of dd, but keeping it very real, I know no one (except dh and mom) wants endless commentary about her, or want me dragging her to adult social visits. Some women never are the same after having kids. That's my nightmare. Shoot me if I trade in the Land Rover for a mini van! lol There has to be balance in life; of course one's children should be #1, but there needs to be "girlfriend time" and "dh/so time" time at least one night per month, sans children, kwim? Could you possibly arrange a once per month "girl's night out?" Or would it be perceived as insulting to not want the child present? Are there times you can arrange a phone call when the kids are asleep, even if only for 15mins? Little things like that keep a friendship going strong through having children.

Very good points. These are what kept my friendships strong.

berryblondeboys · Jan 2nd, 2008, 12:25 PM

I don't think people do it on purpose, but when you have kids, especially if you are a stay at home mom, most of the outside world disappears. Your entire world revolves around the kids and it's natural. Now, should moms (and dads) try to carve time for themselves? yes. Should they try to be sensitive to people WITHOUT kids? Yes.

So, in your case, I think I would tell your friends that "hey, I think it's great that you have kids and I love spending time with you and your children, but realize that this is also hard for me since I too want kids and am not recently single. I just need some of our "girl time" to not be about kids." And if they have ANY sense at all, they will realize that they are being insensitive or at least haven't given thought where they should.

elizat · Jan 2nd, 2008, 01:26 PM

I keep up w/ some girls from high school and I feel the same as you when I am w/ them. They are all married, w/ multiple babies or babies on the way and they are only mid 20's. I like kids, but I am just not interested in many of the topics they want to discuss, like breastfeeding, etc. I think the answer is to talk to your friend and also maybe see if you can gravitate toward people that are more at the same place you are. Maybe in time she'll have a larger focus and interests. Right now, her baby is her world and most women would likely feel the same, at least for a time.

I think when people become parents, esp for the first time, that tends to be the focus. When I see these girls I mentioned, they all ask when I'm getting married (and I don't even have a b/f) and going to have a baby (not sure I even want one!) b/c that is their life and what makes them happy, so they figure it should make others happy. So, yes I get where you are coming from!

Pias · Jan 2nd, 2008, 10:30 PM

I'm glad that I am not alone on this subject matter. I usually spend Friday's afternoons with a good friend of mine and her daughter. It has been like this since she was pregnant and her daughter is now 3.5 years old. Spending time in playground and watching kid TV with her daughter really bores me. I like my friend's daughter, but I just can't listen and talk about the kid all the time. My friend is interested in nothing but her child. I sometime try to steer to other subject besides her child, but she was not interested to discuss and mention something like "Oh, those kinds of issues let people in 20s worry about them" (I'm 35 w/o children) or some comments I felt like being put down. She just has a new born son lately so her life at this moment seems so hectic that she became less sensitive with others. I do understand her situation, but I'm bored to spend time with this friend now. I'd better give her time for a year or two.

mellecyn · Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:34 AM

Thanks ladies for all your inputs ! I was a little upset after new year's eve but they are not close friends so I guess I don't have to see them often !
Well except my best friend who is pregnant but lives far away...
I know if I was in France I'd have a much harder time as french girls are not very independent women and sacrifice themselves for husband and children.
For them "girls night what ???" that's only to find a BF when you're 18 !lol Whereas with my danish and english girlfriends things are a bit different, there is hope !! I will still make efforts to call and entertain my danish friend who had a baby, I'm sure she'll be happy, and the girls nights (in) are a very good option, since she used to love them even pregnant !

Jahpson · Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:06 AM

my goodness can I relate!! Many people that I use to hang out with are now pregnant (something in the water I tell you) so they are more interested in talking about diapers, health care and schooling. which is fine by me, but I have no kids so my main concerns are more shallow.

Jan 1st, 2008, 02:12 PM	#2
Pursegrrl Oh! That Joe! Location: Seattle	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? Hi Mellecyn! If you are 29 and your friends are in their 20s, that's of course prime time for getting married, having babies, settling down. Heck it's even that way in our 30s! It's a huge life change and I guess unless we become parents we probably won't ever know how all consuming it is and how much it can change our friends' lives. And it all depends on the friends too... Just to share with you, I have two friends who each had babies in September and I used to see them all the time. I was unemployed all summer and I spent a lot of time with them going on walks in the sunshine when they were pregnant and just having our girl time. But now that the babies are here I haven't seen either of them. 1 of the GF's is not as close so I can kind of understand that, but the other really is a good friend and it is really painful to know I haven't met her new son IRL yet after 3 months! We email and chat on the phone sometimes, and she knows I want to see the baby but she had been dealing with post partum, some challenges with nursing and a whole slew of things that were overwhelming. Plus she's got her hands full with a new baby plus 3 older stepkids, a husband and somewhat wacky ex wife hovering around, plus her own family wanting to see the baby. So...I cut her some major slack of course! Life is totally different now. I don't see this as a loss of our friendship, rather we will see eachother again when she is ready...or maybe not, time will tell! So back to your question...how do you deal with it? By being a loving and empathetic friend. I'm sure as things get adjusted your friends will also crave some adult time and things you used to do together before kids...that's what baby sitters are for! sorry about the ramble...hope that helps? XXXOO PGal __________________

Jan 1st, 2008, 03:26 PM	#3
cheweyvy a proud mama of 2! Location: NYC Girl	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? Hi, I am guilty of this.. I'm a mother of 2, and my social life has changed dramatically after I have my first child. I noticed most of my attentions were toward my babies, and my friends who I care so much slowly dissapearing. We used to hang out all the time, shopping together, lunch, dinner, bars, parties, travel, and do all sort of things that we could possibly think of. I know friendship and social life were important to me, but I know my children and my family is THE most important subject in my life right now and will be continue to be my first priority in my life. One of my best friends once told me "it is hard to hang out with you now, because you always have to bring your daughter out wherever we go.. a stroller, smoke-free restaurant, child-friendly environment, that's why I haven't called you".. It broke my heart to hear that, but I do understand where she came from. I also "thanks" her for telling me how she feels about my "status" change as a "mother". Sometimes, I feel jealous for my singles/non-married friends that are able to go out and have fun without curfew and responsibilities. It was hard in the beginning, but slowly, friends that are true to me are still around and are still able to spend lots of time shopping, doing nails, hit the spa or even go on vacations together. These friends are not necessary are married and have kids to be able to share fun with... They are singles, some have long term relationships, and some are also married. A few of my un-married friends always tell me how lucky I am to have a loving husband and 2 wonderful kids. Sometimes, they even tell me how jealous they are of me. I think grass is always seem greener on the other side. But, I am no longer envy my singles/unmarried friends.. I just accept them as FRIENDS whom I truly love and care and appreciated. Being said that, still I try to make time and hang out with them whenever I can, but if I am too occupied with my kids, they DO understand. Good friends will be there no matter what. You should understand life status changing is a big deal for your friends with babies now, and they do need your support and understanding. Tell her how you feel, and I am sure she will appreciate your honesty.... Hmm... I think I am speaking for your friend now... hope this help! __________________ Join the revolution against eBay! Sign up for www.bonanzle.com with other tPF members today and start listing your stuff. Sign up before October and there are no fees to list! No listing expiration!

Jan 1st, 2008, 05:17 PM	#4
cjj Member	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? As you age, your priorities shift; either due to events that you have control over or those you do not (you choose to change jobs and what that might bring (longer commute, less time to socialize, more or less money) or your parent/SO/sibling has cancer, is in an accident and you become the prime caregiver are two examples). Change is normal; how you deal with it is always the issue. Your age is when the majority of people marry and/or have childrem. And the moment a child enters one life, the focus MUST be on the child. Friendships take a back seat the majority of the time. That is what must be done in order for the now family to take care of themselves and this new addition. You can either embrace it and understand this and accept it, you can step back and understand that for now, this is the way it will and you will need to move on to making new and additional friends or you can just bit by bit break away from the friendship. One of these 3 options is what people do (in my experience). None are right or wrong; they just are what they are and you need to do what you need to do.... for you. You are all at different places in your life; and this will happen over and over and over again (in numerous ways) until the very end. The only thing I can add is to please don't take it personally. Many do and the reality is your friends probably don't realize how much their focus has shifted (as necessary as it is). Hugs.

Jan 1st, 2008, 10:35 PM	#5
queenvictoria2 psalm 25:4 Location: In a Shoe ....	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I understand. I had my DD when I was young and none of our friends had kids then and didn't "get" us and our lifestyle and NOW our DD is 20 years old and all of our friends have little kids and when we go out all they want to talk about is kid stuff and I couldn't care less ... OR they CAN'T go out b/c they don't have a babysitter and I am free as a bird __________________ Wishlist: A Cure for Cancer

Jan 1st, 2008, 10:43 PM	#6
merika Just me Location: In front of a computer	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? My bff is not married. She found it hard when my son was a newborn and I was preoccupied with baby all the time. She was very understanding and helpful, and never let me see the frustrations she felt at that time. She helped out by sometimes dropping by and taking me and baby out for a snack or just a ride in the car...took me out of baby world for a minute and I loved her for that. Or she'd come by with a movie and a pizza and we'd watch the movie and have a girls night in. I'm so happy she stayed on as my friend...she's still not married, my son is 8 and occasionally we laugh that if we grow old without any partners we'll set up house together!!! __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Jan 1st, 2008, 01:13 PM	#1
mellecyn Take me to LV Location: 300 km from LV somewhere in Europe	How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? where I live I only have one friend with a baby. I visit her regurlarly (she's on maternity leave) but of course we can't talk...we are just both looking at the baby and talking about him.That's fine, he's adorable ! But back home...I couldn't visit some people without one of them being pregnant, so guess the discussion....or some friends of friends have a new born so constant attention and they kept giving him to me bc apparently I have a calming power...And the highest was last night when for new year's eve we were basically baby sitting,(why do you bring your 2 year old ??) and keep the music down, etc..... I love kids, but I hate not being able to have a cool discussion anymore, I have also this resentment bc I am newly single at 29 so this is just painful...I can't just avoid it,can I ? how do you deal with it ? My other friends are independant and/or single and also younger(but I don't want to date a 25 year old)....is this the solution ? __________________ "You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete" Buckminster Fuller

Jan 1st, 2008, 11:25 PM	#7
caxe I has ur gif. Location: The Southeast, US	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? When my friends become that way I spend less time with them. I find that I have little in common anymore with my friends who choose parenthood, since I don't want children and don't find myself interested in hanging out with other people's children or talking about them or anything. I'll still see them on occasion, of course, and be civil, but I will be the first to admit that I don't find them as interesting anymore. So my answer is: I hang out with other friends, or my BF, or relatives or just by myself! __________________ Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

Jan 2nd, 2008, 12:00 AM	#8
Rockst@r Zeta lady 4ever Location: Philadelphia	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I've never quite understood the phenomena of people who suddenly only have a sense of self as a parent. I love the hell out of dd, but keeping it very real, I know no one (except dh and mom) wants endless commentary about her, or want me dragging her to adult social visits. Some women never are the same after having kids. That's my nightmare. Shoot me if I trade in the Land Rover for a mini van! lol There has to be balance in life; of course one's children should be #1, but there needs to be "girlfriend time" and "dh/so time" time at least one night per month, sans children, kwim? Could you possibly arrange a once per month "girl's night out?" Or would it be perceived as insulting to not want the child present? Are there times you can arrange a phone call when the kids are asleep, even if only for 15mins? Little things like that keep a friendship going strong through having children.

Jan 2nd, 2008, 10:50 AM	#9
keya Member	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I find myself spending little time with those people too. I am not at all a baby-person and I find it hard to pretend like I am fascinated by other people's babies for extended periods of time.

Jan 2nd, 2008, 12:25 PM	#11
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I don't think people do it on purpose, but when you have kids, especially if you are a stay at home mom, most of the outside world disappears. Your entire world revolves around the kids and it's natural. Now, should moms (and dads) try to carve time for themselves? yes. Should they try to be sensitive to people WITHOUT kids? Yes. So, in your case, I think I would tell your friends that "hey, I think it's great that you have kids and I love spending time with you and your children, but realize that this is also hard for me since I too want kids and am not recently single. I just need some of our "girl time" to not be about kids." And if they have ANY sense at all, they will realize that they are being insensitive or at least haven't given thought where they should.

Jan 2nd, 2008, 01:26 PM	#12
elizat Member	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I keep up w/ some girls from high school and I feel the same as you when I am w/ them. They are all married, w/ multiple babies or babies on the way and they are only mid 20's. I like kids, but I am just not interested in many of the topics they want to discuss, like breastfeeding, etc. I think the answer is to talk to your friend and also maybe see if you can gravitate toward people that are more at the same place you are. Maybe in time she'll have a larger focus and interests. Right now, her baby is her world and most women would likely feel the same, at least for a time. I think when people become parents, esp for the first time, that tends to be the focus. When I see these girls I mentioned, they all ask when I'm getting married (and I don't even have a b/f) and going to have a baby (not sure I even want one!) b/c that is their life and what makes them happy, so they figure it should make others happy. So, yes I get where you are coming from!

Jan 2nd, 2008, 10:30 PM	#13
Pias Member	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? I'm glad that I am not alone on this subject matter. I usually spend Friday's afternoons with a good friend of mine and her daughter. It has been like this since she was pregnant and her daughter is now 3.5 years old. Spending time in playground and watching kid TV with her daughter really bores me. I like my friend's daughter, but I just can't listen and talk about the kid all the time. My friend is interested in nothing but her child. I sometime try to steer to other subject besides her child, but she was not interested to discuss and mention something like "Oh, those kinds of issues let people in 20s worry about them" (I'm 35 w/o children) or some comments I felt like being put down. She just has a new born son lately so her life at this moment seems so hectic that she became less sensitive with others. I do understand her situation, but I'm bored to spend time with this friend now. I'd better give her time for a year or two.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:34 AM	#14
mellecyn Take me to LV Location: 300 km from LV somewhere in Europe	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? Thanks ladies for all your inputs ! I was a little upset after new year's eve but they are not close friends so I guess I don't have to see them often ! Well except my best friend who is pregnant but lives far away... I know if I was in France I'd have a much harder time as french girls are not very independent women and sacrifice themselves for husband and children. For them "girls night what ???" that's only to find a BF when you're 18 !lol Whereas with my danish and english girlfriends things are a bit different, there is hope !! I will still make efforts to call and entertain my danish friend who had a baby, I'm sure she'll be happy, and the girls nights (in) are a very good option, since she used to love them even pregnant ! __________________ "You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete" Buckminster Fuller

Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:06 AM	#15
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	Re: How do you deal with your friends when the only focus is babies ?? my goodness can I relate!! Many people that I use to hang out with are now pregnant (something in the water I tell you) so they are more interested in talking about diapers, health care and schooling. which is fine by me, but I have no kids so my main concerns are more shallow. __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!