How to co-exist before he moves out? (long)

[grayxie]

Sorry, its a long one. Thanks for reading, and letting me get this off my chest.

A little background....
My ex-bf and I have been living together since the end of August '07, but have been together for 5 years previously. Before living together we had a long distance relationship, he lived in NY and myself in PA. He moved down here to continue his education, and of course to be with me. After a couple of months I could sense he wasn't adjusting very well, and asked if he wanted to talk about it. In true guy fashion he said he was fine, and that was the end of the convo.

A few months ago he went out with his co-workers on a Friday night, and didn't come home. I was freaking out (about to call hospitals) because he has never done this before, then after he finally called at 6:30am on Saturday still drunk and giggling. I was furious, and said some things I shouldn't have. I told him not to come home that weekend because there was a chance my brother, wife, and 2 y/o niece were going to stay over because their house was being painted. I really didn't want that tension to be around my niece. Back story on that, I don't drink alcohol and up until this point he didn't either and for him to get so drunk off his a$$ to not have the decency to call me that he wasn't coming home set me off. I just festered all day about it, to the point I called him and told him to move out. So Saturday night he comes by to pick up his stuff, still wearing the grubby clothes from the night before. He didn't apologize, or attempt to reason with me for telling him to leave.

For about a week he managed to spend the night at various friend's homes/hotels. It got to the point I was like we need to "talk, now!". We talked and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue the relationship any further, all those deep rooted issues/feelings he had when he first moved in that never talked about were coming to the surface now. At this point he was bascially feeling it was "too late" to rectify the issues, and thought that the issues were just going to magically work themselves out before. I was like WTF? An issue won't be fixed if it's not properly addressed! It's like he gave up before even giving it a chance. After our "talk" he agreed to come back home and work on our "issues".

For the next couple months after that, it was back and fourth about the relationship. I suggested couples counseling, he didn't seem to keen on it. (Tonite when I brought counseling back up, he said I never mentioned it) We had another "talk" about what his issues were, I agreed those things could be rectified. He believed that those changes would only be temporary, and after a while it would be like it was before. Things seemed to be going well for a while, but the notion of him permanently moving out was still looming overhead. I grew tired of the emotional roller coaster, and finally set a date for him to give me his decision about staying or not.

Yesterday was the day, when I asked him what his decision was he didn't answer but I knew by the look on his face. He found an apt. a week ago, and is moving in on 7/25. Which gripes me since he didn't say anything for a whole week about it. I asked him if he has fully thought it through, and if the gain is worth the loss. I told him once he moves out I don't want to be "friends" afterwards, and when he realizes his mistake there is no chance on getting back together. He said part of the reason for leaving was that he just couldn't fully adjust to living here, our "issues" didn't magically resolve themselves like he thought they would, he wanted to live on his own, and his career choice (law enforcement) bothered me. Sure I have my opinion about his career choice, but told him that is HIS choice and I would have to learn to live with it. I asked him, wouldn't it be more fulfilling to have someone there that will support you in your path, rather than doing it alone? He just said its something he feels he needs to do alone

Anyway, when I set his decision deadline it was pretty much if he said he was leaving he would do it immediately after not almost a month later. As it would just be dragging it out even more. This whole situation has stressed me out the point I have missed my period (I'm not pregnant), and have somewhat eratic sleep patterns.Until then we have seperate sleeping arrangements, but I really don't know how to act around him. I'm deeply hurt, feel rejected, and upset.

I swear I have never had a post this long, thanks again for reading. Any advice would be welcome.

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

*hugs*

maybe hes having a midlife crisis?? hopefully if it is, he'll snap out of it!!

[VPT]

Seems like he's breaking up with you or just needs some decent alone time without you.
Most guys just want space to think about things, some guys take weeks, some months. If you don't hear from him after a month, it probably means he has broken up with you.

For about a week he managed to spend the night at various friend's homes/hotels. It got to the point I was like we need to "talk, now!". We talked and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue the relationship any further, all those deep rooted issues/feelings he had when he first moved in that never talked about were coming to the surface now. At this point he was bascially feeling it was "too late" to rectify the issues, and thought that the issues were just going to magically work themselves out before. I was like WTF? An issue won't be fixed if it's not properly addressed! It's like he gave up before even giving it a chance. After our "talk" he agreed to come back home and work on our "issues".

Not every guy likes to talk about things. He seems to have made up his mind and nothing, no coercing, no talking, will change it. The reason he agreed to talk was because maybe he just wants to see if he had left out anything he hadn't yet considered, or to give you another chance. Or maybe he does want a break up but finds it quite impossible to do since you both have spent 5 yrs together - which is quite a long time.

[rubylola]

Can't you get him to move out straight away?

I am sorry to be blunt, but it sounds pretty clear that at this point in time he doesn't want the relationship, and has been taking advantage of you. You will be better off without him and will be able to move on once he is out of your space. Who knows what will happen in the future- with time and space between you, but right now, this relationship is all wrong.

Don't have anymore conversations with him about how, once he realises what he has lost, he will regret having left- it is falling on deaf ears, and will sound pretty desperate to him.

get him out if you can.

Take care of yourself, a big break-up can be awfully hard for a while.

[Virgo]

Originally Posted by rubylola

Can't you get him to move out straight away?

I am sorry to be blunt, but it sounds pretty clear that at this point in time he doesn't want the relationship, and has been taking advantage of you. You will be better off without him and will be able to move on once he is out of your space. Who knows what will happen in the future- with time and space between you, but right now, this relationship is all wrong.

Don't have anymore conversations with him about how, once he realises what he has lost, he will regret having left- it is falling on deaf ears, and will sound pretty desperate to him.

get him out if you can.

Take care of yourself, a big break-up can be awfully hard for a while.

ITA

but I think you are better off without him in the long run. Couples go through a lot and to survive it together they have to have good communication. It looks like this is a big problem he has and not one he currently wants to improve.

[aklein]

I don't know if it is a good idea to co-habitat for that long after a breakup. It's hard enough not to fall into old habits post breakup, but I would imagine it would be darn near impossible if you two still live together. Is there any way that he can leave before the end of the month? Or is it possible that you could stay with a friend during that time? I realize that it is almost a month, but I would rather stay on someone's couch than have to see my ex everyday.
Also, is it possible for you to find a new place too? I would imagine that it might be rather painful to stay in the place that you two shared. When my best friend went through the same thing, she couldn't stay in their apartment. She broke her lease and moved to a new place. You may want to think about that as an option too.

[keya]

I'm sorry to be blunt, but is there a way you can kick him out right away? To live in the same apt. as him for a whole month sounds like torture, and if you're keeping the apartment I don't see any reason why he should stay after he's broken up with you.

[Schmodi]

Let him go. I moved out of my boyfriend's place (after only 2 months) back in the summer 2006 because I felt I need some of my own space while I went through major adjustments. Fast forward 3 months (after being broken up for 6 weeks) I was back living at his house and by March 2007.

Just something I felt I needed to do, but honestly worked out for the best.

[ilovepinkhearts]

i know first hand that when a guy doesn't open up and really talk about how they feel it's a detriment to the relationship. they keep it all locked inside and that festers into resentment...my husband and i are trying to deal with a lot of crap that didn't get resolved when they needed to.

im sorry that you are going through this, but if he is dead set on moving out then i would also ask him to get out right away. that way you can get on with your life. good luck

[lovinalotofbags]

July 25th is a ways off. Tell him to go now. He did not talk to you, he did not call, he stayed out, he did not even apologize and he even looked got another place to live. Guy thing of not talking or not, tell him to go now. It is in your best interest, health, etc. to deal with this breakup now. Hugs.

[rendodan110]

he may just need space, guys have no clue whats best for them!!!! he may move out and find that he is happier or he may realize he misses you and becomes miserable,you had a long distance relationship maybe he is having a hard time loving you with you being so close. it is a huge change to have a gf far away, someone to miss and look forward to seeing and then to have a gf right there in your face.

[grayxie]

Thanks ladies

He was away visiting his family over the Holiday weekend, and broke the news to them. He is going to start moving his stuff out this week, and put it in storage until the apt. is available for move in. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible, since its not fair to me because it wasn't my choice for him to leave. He wants to leave then leave, stop lingering around. I also said that he should appreciate that I'm being nice by even letting him stay any longer.

[greenpixie]

^^^

Good for you Grayxie! Way to put your foot down. This sounds like a really trying situation and I am so glad to hear you are putting yourself first in this situation. Hang in there hon!