help! was cheated before and feeling very insured...

lolitakali · Jun 24th, 2008, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valval

My SO of 1 year asked me to marry him last week but I said no. He was a lil disappointed but I'm not sure if he understands how my past has haunted me.

A relationship before I met my current SO, I met a guy through work. He was sweet and all that. I was a very naive person and trusted the guy fully when we started. Perhaps I was really stupid because one of the guy's colleague told me that the guy had a GF over in US. When I probed the guy, he said that they broke up.

During the 3 months we were together, he never bad mouthed her. It gave me an impression that she was perfect for him and blah blah. He even wanted to call me the inimate name that he used to call her!!! How stupid was I~!!! Then one day, he just told me that since day 1 we started, he has never broken off with his GF and I was just a past-time for him, while waiting for the GF to return in another 1 month!

It was like a tight slap in the face!! And he has no guts to break off with me face-to-face but through SMS!! How coward can he be??

I felt so shattered at the time that I starved myself for 2 weeks, eating nothing. I couldn't believe that I was so stupid to be cheated. How could he lied to me and shattered my heart, for me trusted him so much??

Sigh, until today, my current SO realises that I'm very vunerable against unfaithfulness and etc. A month ago, I caught him emailing a gal with detailed h*rny messages and it broke me again. SO said that it was nothing as he was very bored at work, that's why he emailing a gal that he's never met. I tried to talk it out with him and he promised not to do it anymore.

I want to trust him so much but I'm scared that I'd be hurt again. I feel so insecured right now.. :(

How do I get over the insecurity?

I would have done the same if I were you.

If my guy do not have mental strength of self-control and text message another woman (met or never met) sexually... he'd never gain any respect from me to be my husband's material.

Sorry, just not a strong mate to produce a stronger next generation... very un-appealing.

gillianna · Jun 24th, 2008, 11:36 AM

Emailing sex messages to random people on the internet speaks highly of what type of person your SO is. I think this is a red flag and should be a wake up call for you but your take is it is one little mistake and you should not give up on him. Who knows what he has done behind your back? I mean this is not normal behavior for boyfriends to do on their girlfriends. He is sending messages in hopes of hooking up or perhaps he already has. How can you ever know for sure? Because he says so? Because you caught him and he has to tell you what you want to hear? It seems like you were hurt in the past and have some issues with trust which are really not things that are caused by you but about what actions your old boyfriend did that makes you not trust. So now you have a SO who to me does things that would make me run away from this unhealthy type of relationship but you are going to stay and accept his excuses. Perhaps you need to think about what your needs are in a relationship and maybe even know that it is OK to be alone and not in a relationship because you don't want to be alone. Many women seem to be with guys who do questionable things and accept it because it is better than being alone. It is only for you to decide what is best for you. But I would think about what else SO is doing or has done. Words mean nothing, it is the action a person does that speaks of who they are. Sending messages to strange women does not make me think one is bored......

Jahpson · Jun 24th, 2008, 11:50 AM

First of all dump that current no good SO you have. Bored at work so decided to text sexual messages to some random girl? what happened to finding work to do?

You certainly don't need anymore headaches from that prick.

Second, I think you should seriously lay off dating for right now, and try and pick yourself back up. Find a hobby that your good at and pick up your confidence again.

Got any close friends or family members? talk to them about your problems and really vent. Having a good support system helps all the more.

Good luck, and stop talking to those unfaithful, bored losers.

bagnshoofetish · Jun 24th, 2008, 01:23 PM

sending sexual messages to someone over the internet while having a gf is not okay. he's showing you his lack of character. is that what you want in a SO?
you need to find out why you are attracting these types of losers. dump this guy before it gets worse (or at the very least DO NOT marry him) and begin to work on yourself. you deserve better but you have to stop being the victim. find a good counselor and avoid this problem for the rest of your life.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 24th, 2008, 01:35 PM

Men who frequent porn sites and email women with explicit details, do not just stop. This is a sickness. I do not care what anyone says, this behavior is not normal. You did a smart move by turning down his proposal, now take it a step further and get rid of him.

barcreperie · Jun 24th, 2008, 02:08 PM

This is not what you want to hear, but I have to echo others' sentiments here. Regardless of what happened with your ex, your current boyfriend is a jerk, and you need to dump him. A week after he proposes to you he's having internet sex with someone he doesn't know while at work? And you think it's your insecurity that's sending up red flags over this? It's NOT your insecurity that's sending up those flags - those flags NEED to be up! This isn't 'one little mistake', it's an indication of his moral fiber. You need to get rid of this guy. If you don't, you'll eventually have a repreat performance of what happened with your previous boyfriend.

jillybean307 · Jun 24th, 2008, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

wtf?? bored at work?? no excuse to send naughty messages to anyone... what if hes bored and lying in bed?? hes going to have sex with someone?? gosh.

Your response made me LOL.

I agree. OP-I think you're right to hesitate.

illinirdhd · Jun 24th, 2008, 04:16 PM

I think you should find someone you CAN trust. If you really think the insecurity is an issue for you, and you'd be insecure even if the person you're dating has given you NO reason to distrust him, then maybe you need counseling. Maybe your past has really damaged your heart. Or maybe your past has taught you exactly what to look for, and that's why you've found it. I don't know - your ex and your current SO sound like jerks to me, and I don't think you should give either of them another second of your time or ounce of your heart.

There ARE nice men out there. But you might have to work on your insecurities before you will be able to find a deserving man and let him love you.

Allisonfaye · Jun 24th, 2008, 05:22 PM

YOU are not the one with the problem. Dump this guy. You will find a guy that doesn't cheat. They exist.

valval · Jun 24th, 2008, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillianna

Words mean nothing, it is the action a person does that speaks of who they are. Sending messages to strange women does not make me think one is bored......

I agree that actions describe much of the person. There's no way that I can know if he actually has slept around or not. Now I wonder how much do I actually trust him...

valval · Jun 24th, 2008, 07:50 PM

Thanks Allisonfaye and illinirdhd. Yea, I believe that there are nice men out there...

PetiteChaton · Jun 24th, 2008, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valval

I really want to give him another chance. It's just that how to deal with insecurity? I guess I doubt too much??

This is not an insecurity.. your boyfriend is sending sexual messages to another female.. how is this insecurity? My boyfriend would be dumped if i found out he was doing that... men will continue to treat you like crap for as long as YOU LET THEM

QueenOfDa702 · Jun 24th, 2008, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valval

Well, SO is treating me like a queen, seems that the only *major* flaw he has is he's flirtatous...

Huh? Sounds to me like hes having an affair online, at the very least. That doesnt sound like a way to treat a girlfriend IMO

VPT · Jun 24th, 2008, 11:49 PM

Valval, realize that your bf flirting around is NOT and NEVER because of you ok? There are men (and women) in this world who just can't be satisfied with one lover.

I understand if you're afraid, insecure and nervous person you tend to think that it's because of you or something you did or didn't do in the past that caused him to be infidel. The reality is he will cheat whether or not you are his girlfriend. He will cheat on another girl, and he will cheat again and again, who knows what more you haven't unearthed? You just made a mistake, you picked the wrong guy to fall in love with. Please do what's good for yourself and your life by dumping him now. Not tomorrow not next year, NOW. When you are getting your next boyfriend, find out everything before you decide to fall in love with him. Sorry there's no other way, that's how most of us here pick our husbands.

shopaholiccat · Jun 25th, 2008, 07:29 AM

i would never a marry like the one u described. sorry sweet heart i don't think he's worth it

Jun 24th, 2008, 11:50 AM	#18
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	First of all dump that current no good SO you have. Bored at work so decided to text sexual messages to some random girl? what happened to finding work to do? You certainly don't need anymore headaches from that prick. Second, I think you should seriously lay off dating for right now, and try and pick yourself back up. Find a hobby that your good at and pick up your confidence again. Got any close friends or family members? talk to them about your problems and really vent. Having a good support system helps all the more. Good luck, and stop talking to those unfaithful, bored losers. __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jun 24th, 2008, 01:23 PM	#19
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	sending sexual messages to someone over the internet while having a gf is not okay. he's showing you his lack of character. is that what you want in a SO? you need to find out why you are attracting these types of losers. dump this guy before it gets worse (or at the very least DO NOT marry him) and begin to work on yourself. you deserve better but you have to stop being the victim. find a good counselor and avoid this problem for the rest of your life. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 24th, 2008, 01:35 PM	#20
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	Men who frequent porn sites and email women with explicit details, do not just stop. This is a sickness. I do not care what anyone says, this behavior is not normal. You did a smart move by turning down his proposal, now take it a step further and get rid of him. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 24th, 2008, 04:16 PM	#23
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I think you should find someone you CAN trust. If you really think the insecurity is an issue for you, and you'd be insecure even if the person you're dating has given you NO reason to distrust him, then maybe you need counseling. Maybe your past has really damaged your heart. Or maybe your past has taught you exactly what to look for, and that's why you've found it. I don't know - your ex and your current SO sound like jerks to me, and I don't think you should give either of them another second of your time or ounce of your heart. There ARE nice men out there. But you might have to work on your insecurities before you will be able to find a deserving man and let him love you. __________________

Jun 24th, 2008, 05:22 PM	#24
Allisonfaye Member	YOU are not the one with the problem. Dump this guy. You will find a guy that doesn't cheat. They exist. __________________ Ink City, tomato first, white first, violet first, black flat brass first, rouge vif city, white city.

Jun 24th, 2008, 11:36 AM	#17
gillianna Member	Emailing sex messages to random people on the internet speaks highly of what type of person your SO is. I think this is a red flag and should be a wake up call for you but your take is it is one little mistake and you should not give up on him. Who knows what he has done behind your back? I mean this is not normal behavior for boyfriends to do on their girlfriends. He is sending messages in hopes of hooking up or perhaps he already has. How can you ever know for sure? Because he says so? Because you caught him and he has to tell you what you want to hear? It seems like you were hurt in the past and have some issues with trust which are really not things that are caused by you but about what actions your old boyfriend did that makes you not trust. So now you have a SO who to me does things that would make me run away from this unhealthy type of relationship but you are going to stay and accept his excuses. Perhaps you need to think about what your needs are in a relationship and maybe even know that it is OK to be alone and not in a relationship because you don't want to be alone. Many women seem to be with guys who do questionable things and accept it because it is better than being alone. It is only for you to decide what is best for you. But I would think about what else SO is doing or has done. Words mean nothing, it is the action a person does that speaks of who they are. Sending messages to strange women does not make me think one is bored......

Jun 24th, 2008, 02:08 PM	#21
barcreperie Member	This is not what you want to hear, but I have to echo others' sentiments here. Regardless of what happened with your ex, your current boyfriend is a jerk, and you need to dump him. A week after he proposes to you he's having internet sex with someone he doesn't know while at work? And you think it's your insecurity that's sending up red flags over this? It's NOT your insecurity that's sending up those flags - those flags NEED to be up! This isn't 'one little mistake', it's an indication of his moral fiber. You need to get rid of this guy. If you don't, you'll eventually have a repreat performance of what happened with your previous boyfriend.

Jun 24th, 2008, 07:50 PM	#26
valval Member	Thanks Allisonfaye and illinirdhd. Yea, I believe that there are nice men out there... __________________ Wish List : [ In the process ]

Jun 24th, 2008, 11:49 PM	#29
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Valval, realize that your bf flirting around is NOT and NEVER because of you ok? There are men (and women) in this world who just can't be satisfied with one lover. I understand if you're afraid, insecure and nervous person you tend to think that it's because of you or something you did or didn't do in the past that caused him to be infidel. The reality is he will cheat whether or not you are his girlfriend. He will cheat on another girl, and he will cheat again and again, who knows what more you haven't unearthed? You just made a mistake, you picked the wrong guy to fall in love with. Please do what's good for yourself and your life by dumping him now. Not tomorrow not next year, NOW. When you are getting your next boyfriend, find out everything before you decide to fall in love with him. Sorry there's no other way, that's how most of us here pick our husbands. __________________

Jun 25th, 2008, 07:29 AM	#30
shopaholiccat just want to buy Location: Toronto	i would never a marry like the one u described. sorry sweet heart i don't think he's worth it __________________ <<<<<<Cathleen >>>>>> check out my Collection http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...on-196383.html update on page three =]