help me two times the trouble advice !

nyc_besos · Feb 27th, 2008, 10:34 AM

So i have a problem I was dating this guy 5 years ago perfect as can be but we broke up mutually because I wasnt ready to settle down....now we are back together and he is very serious about me marriage the whole nine yards even though its only been 7 months together (we dated 5-6 months)first time around only problem is I was married and had a nasty divorce and I never told him about just because he is very weird about things like that....now popping into the picture one of my long time guys friends he was with me through my terrible marriage and divorce and we still remained friends to this day and now he wants to take thing more than friends he thinks he is perfect for me (and he mights be ) problem is I dont want to take a chance on him and then break up with my boyfriend for the SECOND TIME ! I feel terrible but I cant stop thinking about him and talking to him and its so comforting because I can talk to him about things in the past that had bothered me with my husband things that made my marriage so terrible and he is always taking care of me and wanting me to be happy....I dont know what to do?? Also my current boyfriend is very handsome he looks like Andy Garcia people always tell him that and my GUY friend is more like TONY Soprano but with hair and Im not about looks at all but I feel like someone would say are you crazy Andy Garcia or Tony Soprano but to me I think their both handsome Im so confused please help!

helium · Feb 27th, 2008, 10:40 AM

Despite whether he'd be 'weird' or not about something, establishing open channels of communication was a must at the beginning, because now there's a problem that simply can't be solved without open channels of communication.

And suddenly this new guy comes along and you're torn right? My advice? Leave both of them and find a third guy. Honest to God, the one that wants to marry you I feel kind of sorry for because you so clearly do not love him, you kind of just keep him around and i'm not sure why. Don't treat a human being this way. It hurts. Make a clean break with him, you either love someone 100% or you don't stay in that relationship. It is utterly unfair to the other party. If you do feel that you're giving him 100%, then 100% communication is a must too. You just have to tell him you don't want to settle down yet.

As for this other guy, tell him to f*** off when it comes to 'taking things further'. You have a boyfriend at this time, why is he coming for you anyway? Look, if you don't love the guy, don't get into a relationship with him.

bagnshoofetish · Feb 27th, 2008, 02:10 PM

I'm always a little wary when people mention "looks" as something to consider when choosing between people. It shouldn't be a factor. You aren't choosing something to wear. You are choosing a potential mate and looks come and go. If this is an important part of your equation, you won't be building a relationship on a very strong foundation no matter who you choose. People who really touch you down deep into your heart are the ones who will become immensely attractive to you, not the other way around. If you want someone who will "look good" with you and you place importance on that, I fear you will begin to make excuses for the guy if he starts to treat you with less respect than you deserve. I've seen it happen - just to keep the "good looking guy" around you begin to compromise your dignity.
That said, it doesn't sound like you are ready to settle down with anyone and are just very flattered by the attention of 2 men. Nothing wrong with a little ego boost, its how you react to it that matters. First break-ups never seem to take so getting back together is not uncommon. Sometimes its what needs to happen to drill that last nail in the coffin of the relationship so to speak so don't let this guy pressure you into marriage. Its often a desperate attempt to fix something just to feel like you didn't fail at something. If you really love each other, you'll wait for each other to be ready. If one of you is going to get restless and stray, then that would have happened anyway and the beauty would be that at least you wouldn't have to go thru a divorce then. As for this other guy, you may have subconciously attracted him to you as a deterrent to your bf. Since you are unsure of your future with him, your heart welcomed this guy in so you'll have a ready made "wrench" to throw in the gears so to speak. Its scary to confront and admit your own feelings especially when you don't want to hurt anyone. The fact is someone will end up getting hurt no matter how much you try to control the situation subconciously or completely aware. I'm sure in the dark recesses of your mind you are also telling yourself, "if I lose both guys, I won't have anyone! This may be my only chance!" Don't let panic influence your judgement either. Panic is fleeting. Ask yourself this, "what kind of life do I want to live right now and how do other people fit into it? Am I willing to consider what either of these guys want and whats going to make them happy too or am I solely considering my own happiness only?" Be fair. This isn't all about just you. There are 2 other very real people in this situation - please don't treat them like pastries in a bakery window you are trying to decide over. Listen to your heart but mostly listen to your conscience.
sorry so long. had lots of caffiene this morning.

nyc_besos · Feb 27th, 2008, 05:18 PM

thank you so much ladies both of you for the wonderful advice I agreee I need to figure out where I am in my life and see who fits regardless of looks or anything else please keep the feedback coming i really appreciate it

MissTiss · Feb 27th, 2008, 05:59 PM

i'm not the best person to get advice from at the moment, but I wish you luck!

Follow your heart!

Frances Bean · Feb 27th, 2008, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nyc_besos

only problem is I was married and had a nasty divorce and I never told him about just because he is very weird about things like that....

I don't really know what that means, but if I were dating someone, I would want to know if they were previously married... IMO he has a right to know if he's considering marrying you.

keya · Feb 28th, 2008, 01:50 PM

It doesn't sound to me like you really want to marry your bf. When it's right, you just know it is, there shouldn't be any doubt. He's clearly more serious about you than you are about him, and if you don't see yourself getting there any time soon, I think the best thing would be to let him go. If you do, you can test the waters with the other guy and see where it leads. good luck

helium · Feb 28th, 2008, 07:52 PM

... But personally... I wouldn't date a guy who keeps coming for you while you're already in a relationship... but I suppose you could test the waters if you really want...

nyc_besos · Feb 29th, 2008, 11:30 PM

thank you ladies I needed the snap back to reality this guy always wants me when Im with someone else even though im mia when im single still my bf is the best and i love him Im not going to let this "temp" or "test" get between us he treats me like a princess and we are truly in love Im going to let my guy friend know to stop trying to get in my head

Feb 27th, 2008, 10:34 AM	#1
nyc_besos Kimoy Location: New York City	help me two times the trouble advice ! So i have a problem I was dating this guy 5 years ago perfect as can be but we broke up mutually because I wasnt ready to settle down....now we are back together and he is very serious about me marriage the whole nine yards even though its only been 7 months together (we dated 5-6 months)first time around only problem is I was married and had a nasty divorce and I never told him about just because he is very weird about things like that....now popping into the picture one of my long time guys friends he was with me through my terrible marriage and divorce and we still remained friends to this day and now he wants to take thing more than friends he thinks he is perfect for me (and he mights be ) problem is I dont want to take a chance on him and then break up with my boyfriend for the SECOND TIME ! I feel terrible but I cant stop thinking about him and talking to him and its so comforting because I can talk to him about things in the past that had bothered me with my husband things that made my marriage so terrible and he is always taking care of me and wanting me to be happy....I dont know what to do?? Also my current boyfriend is very handsome he looks like Andy Garcia people always tell him that and my GUY friend is more like TONY Soprano but with hair and Im not about looks at all but I feel like someone would say are you crazy Andy Garcia or Tony Soprano but to me I think their both handsome Im so confused please help! __________________ My Wishlist Epi Leather Speedy Koala Wallet (any style) Black Gucci Horsebit Hobo

Feb 27th, 2008, 10:40 AM	#2
helium Member	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! Despite whether he'd be 'weird' or not about something, establishing open channels of communication was a must at the beginning, because now there's a problem that simply can't be solved without open channels of communication. And suddenly this new guy comes along and you're torn right? My advice? Leave both of them and find a third guy. Honest to God, the one that wants to marry you I feel kind of sorry for because you so clearly do not love him, you kind of just keep him around and i'm not sure why. Don't treat a human being this way. It hurts. Make a clean break with him, you either love someone 100% or you don't stay in that relationship. It is utterly unfair to the other party. If you do feel that you're giving him 100%, then 100% communication is a must too. You just have to tell him you don't want to settle down yet. As for this other guy, tell him to f*** off when it comes to 'taking things further'. You have a boyfriend at this time, why is he coming for you anyway? Look, if you don't love the guy, don't get into a relationship with him.

Feb 27th, 2008, 02:10 PM	#3
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! I'm always a little wary when people mention "looks" as something to consider when choosing between people. It shouldn't be a factor. You aren't choosing something to wear. You are choosing a potential mate and looks come and go. If this is an important part of your equation, you won't be building a relationship on a very strong foundation no matter who you choose. People who really touch you down deep into your heart are the ones who will become immensely attractive to you, not the other way around. If you want someone who will "look good" with you and you place importance on that, I fear you will begin to make excuses for the guy if he starts to treat you with less respect than you deserve. I've seen it happen - just to keep the "good looking guy" around you begin to compromise your dignity. That said, it doesn't sound like you are ready to settle down with anyone and are just very flattered by the attention of 2 men. Nothing wrong with a little ego boost, its how you react to it that matters. First break-ups never seem to take so getting back together is not uncommon. Sometimes its what needs to happen to drill that last nail in the coffin of the relationship so to speak so don't let this guy pressure you into marriage. Its often a desperate attempt to fix something just to feel like you didn't fail at something. If you really love each other, you'll wait for each other to be ready. If one of you is going to get restless and stray, then that would have happened anyway and the beauty would be that at least you wouldn't have to go thru a divorce then. As for this other guy, you may have subconciously attracted him to you as a deterrent to your bf. Since you are unsure of your future with him, your heart welcomed this guy in so you'll have a ready made "wrench" to throw in the gears so to speak. Its scary to confront and admit your own feelings especially when you don't want to hurt anyone. The fact is someone will end up getting hurt no matter how much you try to control the situation subconciously or completely aware. I'm sure in the dark recesses of your mind you are also telling yourself, "if I lose both guys, I won't have anyone! This may be my only chance!" Don't let panic influence your judgement either. Panic is fleeting. Ask yourself this, "what kind of life do I want to live right now and how do other people fit into it? Am I willing to consider what either of these guys want and whats going to make them happy too or am I solely considering my own happiness only?" Be fair. This isn't all about just you. There are 2 other very real people in this situation - please don't treat them like pastries in a bakery window you are trying to decide over. Listen to your heart but mostly listen to your conscience. sorry so long. had lots of caffiene this morning. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html Last edited by bagnshoofetish; Feb 27th, 2008 at 02:17 PM.

Feb 27th, 2008, 05:18 PM	#4
nyc_besos Kimoy Location: New York City	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! thank you so much ladies both of you for the wonderful advice I agreee I need to figure out where I am in my life and see who fits regardless of looks or anything else please keep the feedback coming i really appreciate it __________________ My Wishlist Epi Leather Speedy Koala Wallet (any style) Black Gucci Horsebit Hobo

Feb 27th, 2008, 05:59 PM	#5
MissTiss MACoholic Location: Halliwell Manor	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! i'm not the best person to get advice from at the moment, but I wish you luck! Follow your heart! __________________ To Live is to Buy Bags (or Beauty Products)

Feb 28th, 2008, 01:50 PM	#7
keya Member	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! It doesn't sound to me like you really want to marry your bf. When it's right, you just know it is, there shouldn't be any doubt. He's clearly more serious about you than you are about him, and if you don't see yourself getting there any time soon, I think the best thing would be to let him go. If you do, you can test the waters with the other guy and see where it leads. good luck

Feb 28th, 2008, 07:52 PM	#8
helium Member	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! ... But personally... I wouldn't date a guy who keeps coming for you while you're already in a relationship... but I suppose you could test the waters if you really want...

Feb 29th, 2008, 11:30 PM	#9
nyc_besos Kimoy Location: New York City	Re: help me two times the trouble advice ! thank you ladies I needed the snap back to reality this guy always wants me when Im with someone else even though im mia when im single still my bf is the best and i love him Im not going to let this "temp" or "test" get between us he treats me like a princess and we are truly in love Im going to let my guy friend know to stop trying to get in my head __________________ My Wishlist Epi Leather Speedy Koala Wallet (any style) Black Gucci Horsebit Hobo