help me be more positive....

[natalie78]

^I've worked with criminals for seven years...no chance of offending me

[Roo]

Originally Posted by natalie78

^I've worked with criminals for seven years...no chance of offending me

[guccimamma]

Originally Posted by dallas

Guccimamma, how long are they staying?

only a couple of days, they don't live far from us...it is just right about now that they start all the planning.

i just wish the holiday didn't "belong" to them. it just eats me up inside.

"i will outlive you" is what i repeat in my head...

[dallas]

Is there anything nice about them, something that you can focus on, you know, to take your mind off the terror?

[SPOILEDkiwi]

Originally Posted by gillianna

I think you should welcome them in to you home with open arms. But maybe a few changes from last time they visited. Let's start with some candles in a smell they are sure to hate, add some new music for mood and play it a few hours. Maybe something from another country--just enough to annoy them.Do the kids play a instrument--maybe let them practice for a hour or so to let them see how good they are or if they don't they can always show what effort they have in trying to practice while you are busy in the kitchen. Then you can plan some new foods to eat. Forget about their favorite foods--now it the time to try some new and exciting things. Of course the kids should have a nice time putting on a show--think songs and maybe dances and they want to do it over and over...... As for talking and taking the bait what would happen if you had a sore throat and could not talk to them that much--you had to save your voice to talk to your kids. Rent a good movie and sit with the kids and have a great time, leave them to have their own drama with each other. I would just try to hang out with the kids and keep a sense of humor because getting involved with the drama will only make you sick. No matter what your kids will make you happy. Take a long walk after dinner too--I would think they will not go with you. Would it just be easier to go out to eat???? HUGS.

This is something I would do. Another good idea is to burn all your recent vacation photos onto a DVD and make everyone watch them after dinner. Your husband and kids will probably really enjoy it, but your in-laws will be bored out of their minds. That, combined with some of Gillianna's other suggestions might make them rethink inviting themselves over to your house next year.

[ShopGirl647]

LOL ... u and me both guccimamma!!! I always dread the holidays cuz there are so many family gatherings on top of other parties I also have to go to!!! I will probably spend A LOT OF TIME ON TPF in January just to ease out my venting!!!

[canada's]

Originally Posted by natalie78

A while back, I remember reading an magazine article and there was a woman whose brother-in-law acted in a similar manner. He would call her sister (his wife) names and rag on people. One day, she had enough and after he made a snide remark in a room full of people, she said, "That statement is not very becoming of you. Let's see if you can do better next time." She wrote that as a school teacher, she knew how to correct children, so she simply used it on him. She said that it worked as he's been quiet ever since. Maybe your in-laws just need a little embarrassment. If that doesn't work, you could always refer back to my stink bomb plan.

i think this is a great tactic. i treat people with respect and when you start acting like a child, you should be treated as such. wake up. my MIL constantly pokes fun at my FIL (who is a wonderful man and how he puts up with his wife is beyond me) for being poor when he was young. my in-laws do not know my own parents, who grew up dirt poor (we're talking no furniture besides beds, multiple kids to a bed, no halloween, christmas, etc.). they (in-laws) were visiting recently and i mentioned my father was poor growing up and MIL said, "oh, so he could outdo brian on sad stories?" mocking FIL's childhood. pathetic.

the next morning she made another comment about FIL's childhood and i finally said, "why do you find it entertaining to poke fun at the fact he was poor? have you ever been poor?" this shut her up in a new york minute. i really do not know what came over me as usually i keep quiet because if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, but something just got to me.

[gina2328]

Originally Posted by NLVOEWITHLV

Hmmm, can you try to find some common ground where you can't go wrong spending time together... like movies (you don't have to talk b/c you're watching the movie) or dinner (you don't have to talk much between bites)? I don't really understand the in-law thing... Have you tried to get along with them? Frankly, thinking they gossip about you as soon as they leave is kind of judgmental. They might boast about how well you're doing... I guess I'm lucky, I love my mother and father in law like my own family!!! They have treated me GREAT since day one and I met them a few weeks after I began dating their son (like 8 years ago).

Honestly, you are incredibly lucky to have a great relationship with your IL's. A lot of us don't so maybe you can't relate. I had a gut feeling from the moment my IL's met me that I was "taking away" their son. I think they are jealous or insecure of our relationship. They were somewhat friendly but it felt "fake'" at the same time. I remember the first time we met at dinner MIL must have asked me a hundred questions about myself, it was like an inquisition! At any rate, during dinner, they talk a lot before, during and after the meal, ask nosy questions or make weird comments! Watching TV, they still chat. During our engagement, there were a lot of rude incidents that strained my relationship with them. It is not far fetched for the OP or anyone else with tense relations with IL's to believe they are gossiped about after getting together. People gossip all the time about people they don't care for, its human nature.

[Vegas Long Legs]

Originally Posted by canada's

i think this is a great tactic. i treat people with respect and when you start acting like a child, you should be treated as such. wake up. my MIL constantly pokes fun at my FIL (who is a wonderful man and how he puts up with his wife is beyond me) for being poor when he was young. my in-laws do not know my own parents, who grew up dirt poor (we're talking no furniture besides beds, multiple kids to a bed, no halloween, christmas, etc.). they (in-laws) were visiting recently and i mentioned my father was poor growing up and MIL said, "oh, so he could outdo brian on sad stories?" mocking FIL's childhood. pathetic. the next morning she made another comment about FIL's childhood and i finally said, "why do you find it entertaining to poke fun at the fact he was poor? have you ever been poor?" this shut her up in a new york minute. i really do not know what came over me as usually i keep quiet because if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, but something just got to me.

OMG what a piece of work this woman is! Kids are victims to their enviroment, they have no choice as a child. Good for you for saying what you did. Please keep it up, she is killing her DH a tiny bit inside each time she says something about him being poor as a kid. She has got an unbeleivable low awareness level.

GM I think you've received some great advice on this. My only inlaw I love to death & we don't see her enough. Remember, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

[NLVOEWITHLV]

Of course some people gossip that's common sense. What I'm merely suggesting is that maybe the OP shouldn't be so quick to think that they are about her, it would be different if she overheard them or something. If you always think someone is saying something bad about you (without proof might I add) it doesn't grant you the ability to see them without being biased... I feel that in itself is very judgmental!!! Oh, and I know some people just don't like their in-laws, but I also feel like some people I know just FEEL like they aren't supposed to so they do so without reason... so with every little thing that happens they feel like it is a personal attack.

Originally Posted by gina2328

Honestly, you are incredibly lucky to have a great relationship with your IL's. A lot of us don't so maybe you can't relate. I had a gut feeling from the moment my IL's met me that I was "taking away" their son. I think they are jealous or insecure of our relationship. They were somewhat friendly but it felt "fake'" at the same time. I remember the first time we met at dinner MIL must have asked me a hundred questions about myself, it was like an inquisition! At any rate, during dinner, they talk a lot before, during and after the meal, ask nosy questions or make weird comments! Watching TV, they still chat. During our engagement, there were a lot of rude incidents that strained my relationship with them. It is not far fetched for the OP or anyone else with tense relations with IL's to believe they are gossiped about after getting together. People gossip all the time about people they don't care for, its human nature.

[guccimamma]

Originally Posted by dallas

Is there anything nice about them, something that you can focus on, you know, to take your mind off the terror?

well, there is only one of them that i have trouble with....

he keeps himself very tidy, and enjoys very good food

he carries a very lovely man purse

he has no trouble finding women

and he is a responsible pet owner

but i think he is a sociopath (not the violent kind), in fact i am sure of it

i'll live through this holiday, just like all the others....

[guccimamma]

Originally Posted by NLVOEWITHLV

Of course some people gossip that's common sense. What I'm merely suggesting is that maybe the OP shouldn't be so quick to think that they are about her, it would be different if she overheard them or something. If you always think someone is saying something bad about you (without proof might I add) it doesn't grant you the ability to see them without being biased... I feel that in itself is very judgmental!!! Oh, and I know some people just don't like their in-laws, but I also feel like some people I know just FEEL like they aren't supposed to so they do so without reason... so with every little thing that happens they feel like it is a personal attack.

if somebody gossips about everyone else, they also gossip about you. i don't think that is judgemental. i have been married a long time, this ain't my first time at the picnic.

i am old enough to realize that you can't change people, i'm not trying to do that. i just want to enjoy my own holiday for once, what's the harm in that?

[CCfor C]

Originally Posted by nooch

I feel the same way about members of both of our families. It's that sinking feeling that makes you not know whether you want a cocktail or a pint of Ben and Jerry's or a sledgehammer to put yourself out of your misery. Anyway, honestly, I have no idea and I sympathize with you Maybe you could just repeat to yourself "it's temporary, they're going to be gone soon". This is going to sound stupid, but do you knit/crochet? Having something tangible to focus on during those gatherings might make you less likely to show how irritated you are.

LOL, Nooch!! And I second the idea of handwork. I did this one year during Xmas w/ some I'm not a fan of, and it was great. I just concentrated on my needlework and it kept it less stressful.

[natalie78]

Originally Posted by guccimamma

and he is a responsible pet owner

That's the one!

[envyme]

Just repeat to yourself "silence is golden". That's what I do when I have to bite my tongue!

Originally Posted by guccimamma

it helps me tremendously, but also loosens the tongue a bit... i just want to smile and be in a happy place... i need a hypnotic saying or something they tend to bait...you know, throw something unpleasant on the table...and see how you react, if they don't get the reaction the 1st time...something else will be thrown out, until the conflict begins. his father sits at the head of the table and runs the show.