help me be more positive....

[SPOILEDkiwi]

Are they inviting themselves over to your house? My mom had the same problem every year with our extended family and finally she was so fed up of it that she started sticking up for herself. She said she wasn't doing anything special for Thanksgiving and Christmas, just a quiet day with me and my dad. She left it at that, and if someone chose to invite her over to their house, she would go. It's definitely easier to grin and bear it when it's not your house. You can have a couple of glasses of wine and then leave whenever you want to. Or, you can take a trip to visit your family for the holidays and leave your in-laws to fend for themselves. You can also go on vacation during the holidays. Thanksgiving is easiest since other countries don't celebrate it, but a Christmas vacation can be nice too.

[ilovepinkhearts]

im sorry...nothing like pain in the butt family to ruin a lovely holiday. you are between a rock and a hard place...think of something you love and just focus on that while they are visiting. try your best not to take any bait, if it happens it will just feed their douchery. im sorry!! maybe just half a glass of wine so you are happy but not loosed lip

i have family very similar to what you described as your dh's...im so thankful that i NEVER see them...like ever. they are nothing but drama hungry, lying and thieving rats. [it's sad to say, but it's true]. i pretty much disowned them the moment i was out of my parents house.

[guccimamma]

if i didn't have kids, i'd book myself into a spa...or go to las vegas for a week

[ilovepinkhearts]

^^ now that sounds like a plan

[Jeneen]

Originally Posted by guccimamma

it helps me tremendously, but also loosens the tongue a bit... i just want to smile and be in a happy place... i need a hypnotic saying or something they tend to bait...you know, throw something unpleasant on the table...and see how you react, if they don't get the reaction the 1st time...something else will be thrown out, until the conflict begins. his father sits at the head of the table and runs the show.

Prepare your answers for their baits - this has helped me deal with very unpleasant baiters... you can also change the subject and leave the table "to check something in the kitchen" - DON'T PARTICIPATE - it is not worth it - even if you feel the need to say something snarky back to stick up for yourself, it will just fuel the fire - repeat to yourself "Don't participate."

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Jeneen

Prepare your answers for their baits - this has helped me deal with very unpleasant baiters... you can also change the subject and leave the table "to check something in the kitchen" - DON'T PARTICIPATE - it is not worth it - even if you feel the need to say something snarky back to stick up for yourself, it will just fuel the fire - repeat to yourself "Don't participate."

That it almost what I say to myself....I say "do not engage, no fake drama". I smile and nip any gossip in the bud...if it's about others, I say something like, "Oh, my! That's really none of my business, please don't tell me anymore." If it's about me or the kids, I say something like, "Oh, that's really not appropriate conversation for the holidays, let's talk about something more postive...how was your vacation? (or some similar benign subject). Worse case, excuse yourself with a headache and get some needed alone time.

[boxermom]

The baiting--my fil does that. For years I would take the bait and get all upset, till I had the forehead slap moment and stopped reacting to his comments meant to start an argument. They are not going to change. Depending on the age of your kids, if they don't need constant tending, excuse yourself and go to an empty room for 15-20 minutes. I've done that and it helps.

[gina2328]

For baiting a generic "That's not a nice thing to say" and move on. Rinse, lather, repeat.

[natalie78]

A while back, I remember reading an magazine article and there was a woman whose brother-in-law acted in a similar manner. He would call her sister (his wife) names and rag on people. One day, she had enough and after he made a snide remark in a room full of people, she said, "That statement is not very becoming of you. Let's see if you can do better next time." She wrote that as a school teacher, she knew how to correct children, so she simply used it on him. She said that it worked as he's been quiet ever since.

Maybe your in-laws just need a little embarrassment. If that doesn't work, you could always refer back to my stink bomb plan.

[morepennies]

Originally Posted by guccimamma

the holidays are near, and the inlaws are popping out of their mole-holes to gather and celebrate my husband loves this dysfunctional group...i am surprised, but he does. i frankly don't like my kids exposed to them, but none of them are criminals...so i can't really object. i just don't care for them. they are competitive and petty, and i know the minute they walk out of our home...they are gossiping about us. he was basically raised by wolves, and now that we are doing well...have a decent home, well-adjusted kids....they all want to spend time at our home how can i be more positive? every time he mentions them, i get this horrible feeling in my stomach...it is hard to say anything nice. snarky comments fill my head. i wish i could hypnotize myself to like them...

Accept the fact that you have to deal with them because they are family, but find some sort of way to take control of the situation. For instance, is there a way for you to limit the time that they stay? As a wife, there are so many ways to positively manipulate situations in your own (or your immediate family's) favor...Take advantage! You may have to be with people you don't like, but that does not mean that you have to go along with their entire program. Tell your husband that you would like to not have overnight visitors after a certain date because you'd like to have some time with just your immediate family...and you look forward to relaxing around the house during the holidays without overnight guests to attend to. If that doesn't work, plan some home improvement projects that will make it difficult for overnight guests. If that does not work, plan some activities that will take you away from them...go to the movies with girlfriends, visit your side of the family...or to really shake things up, invite some of YOUR family members to stay at the same time. AND...(had not thought of this before), inviting some of your family to stay may cause them not to stay as long if space is an issue. If they stay anyway, spend time with YOUR side of the family.

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by guccimamma

it helps me tremendously, but also loosens the tongue a bit... i just want to smile and be in a happy place... i need a hypnotic saying or something they tend to bait...you know, throw something unpleasant on the table...and see how you react, if they don't get the reaction the 1st time...something else will be thrown out, until the conflict begins. his father sits at the head of the table and runs the show.

I would just make sure and not react no matter how mad it makes you, and no matter how many times they try. If someone else eventually reacts, then see it as entertainment or mildly amusing. His inlaws seem to feed off of conflict. If they can't get a rise out of you, then they'll eventually give up.

[bagnshoofetish]

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[LV Luvr]

^haha ok that's hilarious!

[KittyBag]

Reading through this I am nodding thinking I have family members like this too. Gives you an uncomfortable feeling in your own house.. boo!

My first thought is to just kill them with kindness. Ignore the foul things they try and bring up and instead try and say something nice... maybe about the weather or a recent accomplishment of one of your kids. A lot of good advice here... and none it makes it easy, but I bet if you put your mind to it, then you will come out ok on at the end of it.

[gillianna]

I think you should welcome them in to you home with open arms. But maybe a few changes from last time they visited. Let's start with some candles in a smell they are sure to hate, add some new music for mood and play it a few hours. Maybe something from another country--just enough to annoy them.Do the kids play a instrument--maybe let them practice for a hour or so to let them see how good they are or if they don't they can always show what effort they have in trying to practice while you are busy in the kitchen. Then you can plan some new foods to eat. Forget about their favorite foods--now it the time to try some new and exciting things. Of course the kids should have a nice time putting on a show--think songs and maybe dances and they want to do it over and over...... As for talking and taking the bait what would happen if you had a sore throat and could not talk to them that much--you had to save your voice to talk to your kids. Rent a good movie and sit with the kids and have a great time, leave them to have their own drama with each other. I would just try to hang out with the kids and keep a sense of humor because getting involved with the drama will only make you sick. No matter what your kids will make you happy. Take a long walk after dinner too--I would think they will not go with you.
Would it just be easier to go out to eat????
HUGS.