[pixiepink37]

So, one of my friends I work with. has been "dating" a married guy for a while. Shes 18, and doesnt live at home. Her and her "boyfriend" have been together for quite some time now. Only problem is they're never together. He and his wife lived in new york with I think 2 kids. He recently moved to jersey, she claims to be "closer" to her. I'm guessing the wife found out about the affair and kicked him out. He never wants to see her during the day, so instead she sees him at like 2am. Lately, he's been saying his back is bothering him so he cant hang out at night. When she asks about the day he says hes too busy( 95% of the time hes lying) Now I know hes a jerk and I know he shouldnt be with her but she doesnt listen to me. Every time I tell her this, she tells me shes madly in love with him. She spend $1,000 on him for chrismtas and he got her NOTHING.

Can someone PLEASE help me figure out what to say to her to get her to realize what hes doing is wrong.

lately I've just been ignoring her because she cries about it all the time, I know its not right but I just cant take any more of it!

[Purses]

I don't think there is anything you can do, because she does not want to listen to you. Maybe tell your manager that her behaviour at work and personal problems are serious and she needs help.

[amanda]

People can only hear the truth when they're ready to hear it sometimes. Your friend is very young, and youth and stupidity go hand in hand. There's nothing you can say to her that will make the truth more obvious than his actions already have, but she'll only realize it when she's ready.

[Zophie]

Just be her friend and be there for her if (when) he breaks her heart.

[boxermom]

There's nothing you can say if she doesn't want to hear it. For your own sanity, you could tell her you love her as a friend and that's why you don't want to hear her talking/crying about a relationship that you cannot support.

A woman I know used to call, wanting to complain about her druggie bf, but she went back to him time and again. I couldn't keep listening to it and told her she had choices and she was choosing to stay with this guy who was making her miserable.

[chipmunk-pnw]

Tell her to leave you alone for awhile, you've done your best and when she doesn't heed your advice, it shows how little she regards or respects you at all. Feelings for him are one thing, close friends want the best for each other therefore if she were truly your friend, she should know better. Maybe you need some cooling off from all this (in)sanity!

[Speedy]

Point out to her he's using her and then tell her she's stupid for allowing it. Then tell her you love her, but you know all that will happen is she's going to get her heart broken.

1,000? I don't think I spent half that on the whole family, and we had a wonderful time!

[helium]

There is absolutely nothing you can do. I have a friend in this situation too... mind you the guy isn't married, but for all intents and purposes it's the same. She simply will not listen to me. She has even started to do this thing where she literally turns her head away when she knows i'm going to start talking about him and his jerkiness, then turns her head back and says 'sorry did you say something?'

God I don't even want to be there for her when he dumps her. It's so taxing... I just want to write a big sign saying 'I told you so' outside my house if she comes knocking. Nah that's not true... I know i'll be there... but right now I know exactly how you feel, and all I can say is... there is nothing you can do.

In case you were wondering what my relations with my friend is at this point in time... it's just polite. We used to be best friends, since this guy came all she wants to talk about is him, and all I want is to have the abusive jerk go away! She know he's horrible, but she talks about his "good points" to try to justify the bad points - unfortunately the good points are non-existant. And she gets annoyed when I don't give her the reassurance she wants. We don't talk anymore... unless she needs something, we really don't talk anymore.

[Sternchen]

There's nothing you can really do...Just be a friend and be there for her when she finally figures this out on her own

[pixiepink37]

ahhh thanks everyone!! you people really are amazing.
I think I'm gonna just ignore her every time she brings him up. She doesnt have much, and I dont wanna have her lose me too

[keya]

Originally Posted by pixiepink37

She spend $1,000 on him for chrismtas and he got her NOTHING.

she's (obviously) young and stupid and I agree with everyone; there's nothing you can do. You've probably already pointed out to her that he's using her and that he's not exactly a winner for cheating on his wife, but if she doesn't want to listen, she wont.

[chaz]

All you can do in this situation is be there for her when it all falls apart. I know its hard but be there for the bad bits too,we can't pick and choose what we want from our friendships that suit us,its about being a freind all the time through thick and thin.But by all means lay it on the line to her,a freindship has to cut both ways for it to be worth it to either of you.
One day she'll return the favour and stand by you when your heart is breaking,and you feel that you can't stop crying.

Life is very tough sometimes,and is especially tough when you see someone you love and care about hurting so much and they won't listen to reason.

Just be glad its not you in her situation,sometimes with the best will in the World you can't help who you fall in love with. Does that help you out at all??
I hope you can both weather this,this is the sort of thing that cements good solid lifelong freindships,but as I said it has to cut both ways.xxxxxxx

[IntlSet]

I would say nothing. Her behavior indicates she's too dense to comprehend any advice given. What she's doing is seriously immoral... and idiotic to boot. An EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD spending $1,000 on a married man for Christmas? For goodness sake...

[cjj]

Nothing you can do. Let's just hope that the man's WIFE does not choose to divorce him and name your friend as the mistress who was the other half of the affair. Yes, I have seen it happen and I agree with it.

She'll just have to learn the hard way. Nod, smile but don't get pulled into any more than you already are. Life's tough. She'll either figure out she was being used or she'll make a fool of herself in bigger and better ways.

[Traci]

I agree with these ladies....I always say, "you can only tell someone something so many times before they have to learn it for themselves".

This is true. If she is so wrapped up in him that she can't see reality then you're not going to make her see it either. But if she is your friend, then I would urge you to be there for her. When this comes down on her, and it will, she will be in a lot of pain especially if she thinks or is so in love with him.

As for you, I know it is hard to sit by and watch a friend go through this but you have to understand that love really is blind sometimes. It's wonderful of you to come here and get advice to help you friend, what a special person you must be! Just be there for her and don't say, "I told you". Just say, "I am here for you for whatever you need". That's the most you can do right now.