[April_Skye]

Ladies. I need help. I am desperate. Oh boy... I can feel the tears starting to come already...
Im April. Im 21 years old and Im depressed because I was dumped nearly two months ago by my boyfriend xxxx.

xxxx is 22 years old, a fully qualified Chef who works at the local club (a job he scored about 6 months ago) so therefore is the type of guy who is always overworked, stressed out and exhausted.xxxx and I met the moment I finished high school in 2004 and we hit if off immediatley. We were insanely-close best mates for a few years, and then we became a couple and dated for 18 months. He was the love of my life. He is the only man that Ive ever loved and the only real relationship Ive ever had.

We were inseperable. We hung out every single day for 3 years and never got tired of each other. We were called "the terrible twosome" by some people because you never saw one of us without the other. I was the only one that he ever opened up to. In the past year, he hardly ever went out because he said "April, Im over all that. I did all that hard partying when I was seventeen. Ive grown up. That doesnt really interest me anymore. Ocassionally I like having a beer or two with my mates or my brother, but after a hard day at work, all I want to do is hang out with my Chicken-Boo." (my pet name)

But out of nowhere, he began to change.. he was different. xxxx was usually the happy-go-lucky sort of guy. Around me, he was always smiling, always telling me jokes, always eager to travel, go to the movies, go to resturants. Hes very outgoing and relatively friendly to anyone - but had a dark streak in him. If you rubbed him the wrong way, you would know about it. He was never afraid to make a scene in public to bring someone down if he had to. Doing this, earnt him quite a few enemies - including some drug dealers. (He hated drugs. He believed they were evil things. Things that changed people and took away the good in them.) but he always had a way of never letting anything get to him too much. He felt pain like the rest of us but he had some sort of defense mechanism inbuilt in him that prevented him from feeling the full force. "It could be worse." was one of his most common sayings. He had a way of getting up in the morning with a smile even if he had nothing to smile about. "Keep on keepin' on." he once said to me. I admired that in him.

But the moment September rolled around, he was a completley different person. He was very hot and cold and lost his temper over the slightest things. He became verbally abusive, manipulative and secretive. Sometimes he went missing for days on end but refused to give me any decent explaination to his whereabouts. When he had to answer, he told me "Im really f***ed up in the head right now April. Its just everything. Everythings beginning to get to me. And im so depressed. Im lost... Im really lost." Weird thing was, around anyone else (his friends, parents, co-workers, his brother), he was fine. Couldnt be happier. I began to think that because I was the only person who had to put up with 'depressed-xxxx', that it was me who was the problem. (Why was I getting lumped with his depression and everyone else got normal, happy xxxx?) Finally, when I confronted him about it (as I was the only one he could ever open up to), he said: "You wouldnt understand!" When I gently persisted, he lost his temper. He shouted "You're a f***ing idiot!" and he threw his mobile phone at me as hard as he could. It hit me on my arm and I cried out in pain - it hurt!!. The second he saw this, he ran over, picked up his phone, and crying, he cuddled me saying "Baby Im so sorry, Im sorry, I didnt mean it, April please, Im so sorry..." I pushed him away and said "xxxx! Its me! Your best mate! Whats going on?! Whats happening to you?!". He looked down at his feet and whispered "I... I dont know."

All of my friends were telling me to dump him. To walk away and leave him. But because we were best friends in the beginning, naturally all I wanted to do was stick around and help. But now.. Im beginning to belive he is Bipolar/Manic Depressive?? Because when he snapped - several times a day - he was scary and violent. His mood swings were extreme and unprovoked. And he always, ALWAYS blamed me for anything. I was beginning to crumble under the pressure.
In October, xxxx began to hang out with a guy named xxxxx. As nice as xxxxx was, he was also a big drug taker. Weed, pills, booze. I was concerned. But xxxxx had recently been dumped by xxxx, his girlfriend of 5 years. He just wanted a shoulder to cry on and a friend to help him through. So while I was proud of xxxx giving up his time to help out a friend in need, I remember being very wary because it was clear to me that xxxx was in a fragile state of his own. He started to hang out with xxxxx alot more. Sometimes I only got to see xxxx about twice a week. I was starting to feel rejected...

On October 23, I celebrated my 21st birthday with my girlfriends at the same local club that xxxx works at. At 9:30pm, xxxx finished his shift and he looked really tired. He walked out to where my girls and I were sitting, and I naturally assumed he would come over and greet me. (I hadnt seen him the whole day). Instead, he gave me a stern nod and walked straight out into the outdoor smoking area to have a ciggarette. I calmly waited, knowing that he would reappear when he was finished. After 40 minutes (yes! 40 minutes!!), I gave up waiting and walked over there to see xxxx and xxxxx deep in conversation. The moment they saw me, they stopped talking and nervously looked away. Long story short, xxxx explained to me that him, xxxxx and their four other guy friends were talking a week long holiday out of state in January 2008. Their flights were booked, their tickets were paid for. I was really upset. I asked "Why didnt you tell me?" xxxx bluntly replied "You're not invited." Shocked at his attitude, I said "I wasnt asking to come with. I was asking why you never told me."

We got into a really big argument. He angrily stood infront of me, with his arms crossed saying "You make a big deal out of nothing. All you do is whinge." He dragged me back to his place (because I was in no mood to celebrate anymore) and when we got there, he turned on the tv, put on a show about football, and didnt say a single word to me. He never even said 'Happy Birthday.' I cried myself to sleep because even though i SHOULD have felt angry, all I felt was shame. "Im a bad girlfriend. Hes taking a holiday to get away from me." I thought to myself.

One night, I decided I was really going to try and smooth things out. I wanted to show him that I was there for him. We hung out, watched a movie, ate chinese food, laughed, mucked around and made love. It was really the best day we had had in a long time. I fell alseep that night listening to him say "Im so sorry for the way Ive been acting towards you April. It was so wrong of me to take it out on you. Because you really do mean the world to me. You're my princess. Thats how Im going to treat you. I love you."

On November 5th, less then 12 hours later, he called me on my mobile and told me:
"I dont want you as my girlfriend anymore. The 'spark' between us has completley fizzled out. It doesnt feel right anymore. You're an awesome chick. You're so beautiful, cool and funny... but.. its just different ok? And if I was to continue seeing you, Id be lying to two people: me and you. I hope we can still be friends. I cant really talk right now because me and the boys are heading up to the pub for beers. Oh and.... by the way, mum doesnt want you coming round to the house anymore... you're kinda banned. But if you wanna watch a movie or hang out or something, I can come to yours."

I could not believe what I had just heard.

[April_Skye]

He dumped me!

He refused to see me in person and say it to me face to face. ("There's no point. It'll just make it harder.") And he cut our conversation short because drinking beer was obviously more important. He was just so casual and non-phased about dumping me!!! I did NOT see that coming! The previous night was perfect!

Though hes sent me the odd txt msg every so often, we've never spoken face-to-face since. I saw him last week walking down the street. He looks like hes lost about 10kg. Hes very pale, skinny and gaunt. He looked terrible. I had to look twice to see if it was really him. All the same, he was walking with a friend, smiling and laughing.

Ive spent every day since crying. What did I do? Why was it ME who got thrown away? All I did was try and help him. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. He piled all his depression on me, and treated me like scum - even on my 21st birthday. I lay awake at night hyperventilating. Im frightened. Im heartbroken beyond words. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Ive never felt such pain in my life! And I dont have anyone to go to at the moment because all my friends have gone out of town for the Christmas holidays. What happened to my xxxx? I feel like he died. And his body was taken over by something evil. Im so full of questions... questions that will never have answers.

His friends, and his older brother xxxxxx have told me that "Hes lost it April. He's gone crazy. He's nuts."
They've told me that hes on drugs, goes drinking EVERY night to the point where he cant walk, flirts with girls constantly, gets thrown out of bars because he gets into fist-fights and brawls - he even punched his brother xxxxx in the face when he tried to break up a fight. The most painful thing is, he walks around with a "Im totally fine, its everyone else who has a problem" sort of attitude.

A friend of mine, xxxxx, told me "He's very messed up at the moment April. Something has happened to xxxx because... hes different. Ive seen him and xxxxx getting wasted all the time. Like, im talking ALL the time. Those two are a very bad combination. I think... I think as much as this hurts, you're a lot safer without him. Hes very unpredictable and dangerous. Hes just a mess." She shook her head in disbelief and said "Stay away from him."

2 WEEKS AGO, xxxx got his friend xxxx to write a comment on his myspace page that was directed at me.
It went on to say:
"........that stupid f****ng c*** was the whole thing we hate about this town xxxx, disguised as someone with a shred of common decency then bam! Turns around and treats u like s***, runs off like a stupid f****ng c*** and thinks ur in the wrong! Well u stupid f****ng b****, i hope u get this message!, YOU are the one who is f***ed in the head, people like you are the whole reason this town is full of f****ing lowlife s**** and sleazy f****. You are a piece of s***. I can't stand f****ng worthless b****** bringing my mates down. F*** *** and die PLEASE!!"

What did I do to deserve that?! Now I am being abused?! I didnt do a thing to provoke that. (Keep in mind that I havnt seen/spoken to xxxx in 3 weeks). And most importantly, what has xxxx said to xxxx to provoke such a hate-fuelled comment?

I never ran off from xxxx, I was always trying to help him and defend him when no one else would. I never brang him down. HE dumped ME. (And if i might add, xxxx is the only man ive ever been intimate with so Im not a floozy!)

I sent him a msg saying that "If you have any respect for yourself, or even a drop of decency left in that heartless body of yours, you'll delete that message immediatley. That was very cruel of you."
He did. He deleted it straight away. (I didnt really expect that!) But he continued not to speak to me.

Five days later, (again completley out of the blue) he BOMBARDED me with text messages saying: "I love you. Ive never stopped loving you. Your perfect. You're my everything. Every morning that I wake, I am reminded of how you are no longer here and it kills me. I cant take down your photos. I still cant even sleep on your side of the bed. I want us to be good again April. No fighting, no arguing, just good again. I love you."

I said:" That was the whole reason why you dumped me. Because you didnt feel that way."
He said: "I know. But it wasnt true."
I said:"Then why did you dump me? What are you still not telling me?!"
He said: "Its complicated."

<--- me.

On Christmas Eve, he sent me a short, abusive email saying "You need to take a good look in the mirror and see the hypocrite that you are." (I never replied. But that really hurt.)On Christmas Day, he sent me a friendly txt msg wishing me a good christmas. (what the?!)
On Boxing Day (yesterday), told me "The last thing I want to do is spend my day off talking to you. Go Away." I pranked his mobile phone a few hours later. He was really drunk, but in high spirits. I could hear xxxxx and his other friends in the background laughing. One of them yelled out "Grab me another beer xxxx!" xxx yelled back "Yeah hold on!" I heard a girl right next to xxxx giggle. He hung up. And I cried. Ive cired all night. I dont want it to hurt anymore.

Hes not depressed at all. He used that on me as an excuse for his beaviour around me. Thats why he never seemed depressed to anyone else. Hes out drinking all the time, doing drugs, possibly already has a new girlfriend, gets into brawls, and he doesnt care. Hes all smiles. He's celebrating that hes broken me in half.

Why did he do this to me? He was my BEST friend ladies. But all of a sudden, so unexpectantly, I am completley alone. Im.... Im not okay. I really need help.

[merika]

He sounds like a guy I knew who developed schizophrenia in his junior year of college. He was perfectly well and happy until then - and then bam! drugging, drinking, abusive behaviors, the whole lot...sounds exactly what you are going though right now.

[risingsun]

It's difficult to determine if he has a mental illness, along with becoming a drug abuser or possibly an addict. He sounds "strung out." He has dropped you because drugs and druggies are his new best friends. Please have nothing more to do with this man. He is a danger to himself and others--especially to you. He needs professional help. I truly hope he receives it before things get worse. If he tells you he wants you back, let him know that he has to get help. Even then, there are no guarantees or promises. I feel so badly that you are going through this...but better that you are not with him. You don't deserve any of this. You might want to consider some counseling for yourself to help you through this.

[missmustard]

First of all, a big hug.

Halfway through your story I could totally relate. I went through something very similar a few years ago. And even though there is a possibility he might be sick (as in manic depressive or bipolar), it sounds more like drug use side effects to me.

My ex turned into a total arsehole when he started doing meth and E. It was all sugary sweet when he was high, and then abusive and mean when coming down and after. I stood by his side because I felt like I had to help him, but ended up a meth freak myself (clean for a long time now, though).

So, if this is the case, you're much better off without him. Cut off all contact; there's really nothing you can do unless he wants out. And save yourself all the pain and confrontation.. all you'll do is hurt worse if you continue to speak/text/etc. with him.

I know how horrible it all seems and feels but in the end, it's really for the best. Time heals everything and you deserve WAY better. It's better to be selfish right now and let him rot if that's what he wants to do. You've been there for him and you really did try, so you have no responsibility towards him anymore. Walk away before it's too late.

And again, a big fat hug.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

is that his real name?
Sorry, I can't read any further until I know. . .

[gr8heart]

^^^I agree! I was thinking bi-polar like you said, April, or schizophrenia, too! April, it is a blessing in diguise that this guy broke up with you. You deserve better, even though you seem to think and feel otherwise. Do you REALLY want to date a guy who is into drugs, drinks and gets into brawls??? Is that REALLY the man of your dreams? The guy you fell in love with is long gone. He is not that person anymore. Break-ups are very, very painful, but the experience helps in finding the right guy. Hang in there!

[Jill]

yikes...U need to walk away and block him out of your life.He is toxic

[Demosthenes]

This breaks my heart... I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. I know this is a shallow comfort, but I don't think that he used depression as an excuse around you, like you had mentioned. He seems to be truly, clinically imbalanced.

I think you were the only person who knew him and understood him, and he resented that and wanted to take it out on you. When you are experiencing great pain, sometimes it's easier to be around strangers than it is to be around people who know what you are going through, because then it's hard to pretend that the pain doesn't exist.

I think he's using the partying and girls as a coping mechanism... a way of forgetting and ignoring his real problems.

You were a reminder of who he was as a person, and who he was capable of being, and I think the resentment eventually corrupted your relationship.

I don't understand why his mother would ban you from their home... maybe he lied to her about something that you did? If that happened to me, I'd probably call her to ask her why she did that... to see what his side of the story was.

And I know it hurts now, but after some time has passed, re-read this thread, and I'm sure you'll agree that you're much better off without him in your life. The person you knew is gone, and there was so much damage done that there is little hopes of repairing the relationship, even if he did clean up.

Please don't let him in your life, even as a friend, because he will always have the power to hurt you. The whole drug underworld of sorts is something to stay way clear of.

[gillianna]

It sounds like major drug use, drinking and low life friends. It is time for you to walk away....stay away. Don't take his abuse or go running back to him each time he feels he wants to sleep with you.
First of all you need to LISTEN and really pay attention. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS NOTHING YOU DID.....You are not the one at fault here so stop beating yourself up thinking you caused this. He is in love with drugs and they come first. He is blaming you for anything that he can because he is messed up. You need to pull yourself together and realize that we all have our so called first loves. We all can feel like our life is over without them. Well surprise---life goes on and with age it gets better. You are way too young to experience what true love is.....it is not being abused and treated like this. You need to surround yourself with some of your good friends and not get caught up in any drama with xxxx and his friends. I mean do not email or respond to anything they do. Don't waste your time reading their myspace pages or what ever they post. It just sucks you back in. Block you calls from xxxx and take some time to pull yourself together and realize this is not the end of the world. Yes it hurts but you will also learn and grow as a person from this. So many of us older and wiser women on this board just are taken back by the way you younger women are being treated by guys and somehow think you deserve to be treated this way or you are the cause of it. That is so not true. You deserve to be happy and I really hope you understand what you had with xxxx is OVER, he will never be the person he was years ago and you can never get back what you had.
So please move on and heal. There is so much life ahead of you and so many exciting things to do with each passing year. When some of my friends and I get together and think of high school and college days and the drama with guys we all agree that we were so stupid to think so and so was our true love and really laugh about it.
Please know that things will get better....but you have to take the first step in this.

[meowgal]

he does sound bipolar. I am bipolar, been on lithium for over half my life and it made all the mood swings go bye bye. There is a great book called :"Loving someone bipolar" and lots of places to help you on line and off line if you need them. PM me if I can help.

[kasumi168]

I'm sorry to hear that, but it sounds like he's been using drugs. This would most likely explain the mood swings and weight loss/gaunt look to his face.

As most TPFer's have said, cut your losses now and stay away. You don't need this abuse from him.

You're still young, and you will find someone else.

hang in there

[Irissy]

This guy clearly needs professional help for his illness. Please stay away from him for your safety and sanity. He did you a favor by letting you go. Don't let him hurt you anymore.

Big Hugs!!

[kitty nyc]

april, i'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through especially during the holidays. i agree with the other ladies...you need to stay away from him because he's unstable. i know it's hard but it sounds like having any kind of relationship with him would only drag you down and give you undue stress. you're so young, don't let a bad relationship drain too much of your emotions. it may help to see a counselor so you have someone to talk to in case you feel depressed. seeing one really helped my brother get through his depression. just a thought.

[boxermom]

April, you know you haven't done anything to deserve this abusive treatment, right? He has major problems--whether it's mental illness, drugs, or both, just stay away--he's really bad news. There is nothing you can do to help him in this condition. Take care of yourself. I would try to avoid any contact with him or his friends--as another poster said--Toxic!