Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away?

sphere99 · Dec 16th, 2007, 12:50 PM

My friend called me up crying last night, her SO whom she has been serious with for 1.5 years (and planning a 2009 wedding) told her this. She has been experiencing some depression and gets a little hyper and jealous. She tends to get upset about something and want to talk and talk about it (as he put is beat a dead horse) well finally last night he told her she is pushing him away by doing that. Now she feels they can't stay together, he should understand her needing to talk about things that bother her and if she has to worry about any little thing she says for fear of pushing him away....what are your thoughts? I bascially listened but wasn't sure what to say as I have never had a guy tell me that.

lolitablue · Dec 16th, 2007, 12:55 PM

Wow, could that be a sign that he got wandering eyes? My ex SO did that and he (several times) kept sending that signal, which is essentially trying to put the guilt back on you when they are the ones doing the crazy shtuff.

queenvictoria2 · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:13 PM

I would suggest counseling before they get married .... can I ask how old they are?

sphere99 · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:19 PM

The situation is he got upset at her one night because he "thought" she did something she didn't and so at dinner with a group of people he sat next to a girl who likes him (he is 22) which he knows his GF would not like he drove her to the restaurant etc. So he tells his GF acting like it was nothing (he didn't do anything just drove her and sat next to her), so anyway my friend gets very upset and in a stupid rage tells him she doesn't want him talking to her anymore which he agrees, so she gives him diff scenarios etc even hi he said no he promises he wont talk to her. So comes yesterday and this girl walks up to him and talks to him so he quickly answers her and leaves (yes being good) well my friend got a little upset not that she thinks he likes her but the fact that he promised (as stupid as it was) and when she askes him about he gets REALLY MAD, tells her she's being ridiclous what was he supposed to do, etc. she said its not that she thinks he likes her, its that he promised under any circumstance he wouldn't, so is there always going to be an excuse well I had to etc... he says well I am sorry, I suppose I should have said not even hi. My friend is still upset and wants to talk more about him breaking a promise even a tiny one, he then tells her if she keeps acting like this she is losing him because she is pushing him away with this behiavor. He said if it happens again the wedding is off. I think she was a little hyper but then again I can understand he made a promise even if he was stupid to make it!

HubbaWubba · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:24 PM

These two should not be planning a wedding.

lolitablue · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:24 PM

Sounds complicated and a little childish. I do not think this is about the other girl. Please remind your friend that the World out there is a huge fish tank and there will always be "another girl". Expecting that from a 22 years old guy is kind of extreme. She seems to be playing a game by threatening to call the wedding off. If she really cares for him, I would agree that counseling may be the best thing to do before they get hitched.

sphere99 · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HubbaWubba

These two should not be planning a wedding.

To give them advice which one needs to work on it? Is she really wrong like he says?

HubbaWubba · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:32 PM

I think both friends are too immature to get married at this point. The bf can't even say hello to another female or breathe the same air. Your friend seems really insecure. Imagine what happens down the road when something really serious happens? What if he has to work late one night? I bet she accuses him of cheating. I don't see them as staying married if they go through with it. JMHO

sphere99 · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:40 PM

She is really insecure! I dont know why and neither does she, she is trying to work on it and I know he deals with a lot of crap from her. They both really love each other and want it to work, however, she is a talker and just likes to talk about things but yea she's totally wrong. sigh

Traci · Dec 16th, 2007, 01:57 PM

The depression she's been feeling along with the jealousy and hyper-ness, are really, in essence, her problem.

She is irrational in expecting her boyfriend to ignore anyone she picks out and to assume that he will not respond when spoken to. That would just be plain rude.

She is insecure and has to realize that feeling that way is HER problem, not his. And if she keeps pushing that problem onto him and making it his problem as well, then yes, it is going to push him away. She should seek counseling to help her to overcome her own fears and insecurities.

And it's a very big sign that he is willing to cancel the wedding if she should do that "one" more time. That's an excuse for something deeper.

I think that she really should talk to someone about why she feels that way and what is making her react that way because it could be this guy or another guy....she needs to fix what is making her feel that way before she can share her life with someone else and have that be a healthy, well-adjusted relationship.

Pursegrrl · Dec 16th, 2007, 03:02 PM

^^ What Traci said!!

jlund · Dec 16th, 2007, 03:08 PM

Gosh, it's really so tough opening one's self up to another. Both of them should seek some form of help before marriage, because if they do marry with this un addressed then they are just lighting the proverbial fuse on the issue that wil ultimately end their marriage.

sphere99 · Dec 16th, 2007, 03:12 PM

I just talked to her a little more and she said about 3 months ago he started acting more distant, his father died. he swears hes fine and he wants to be with her etc, but that is when her insecurity started. Their situation used to be reversed, he was the jealous insecure one then suddenly he says he loves her but acts like he doesn't care if he talks to her or not. That is why she said she suddenly became so insecure is because she is worried he's just used to having her around but doesn't really want her now that his life has been turned upside down with the death. She is very impatient and can be kind of annoying with wanting to talk about EVERYTHING in detail. an example she gave me is that before the death he was begging her to marry him, calling her all the time, etc. Now a day can go by and he won't even send her a Text message. but when she does talk to him he goes on and on about how he loves her and she is his life etc.

Syntagma · Dec 16th, 2007, 07:43 PM

I agree with the others that they should not be planning a wedding. She is extremely insecure. I wouldn't be with a man who was doing this to me. She needs to reverse the situation and see how she would feel. I completely understand his anger. Someone can only accuse you of doing something soo many times before you just get angry. She is definately pushing him away with her behavior!

paintednightsky · Dec 16th, 2007, 08:15 PM

She definitely is pushing him away. I had a guy friend in the same situation with a total bi-polar/depressed type of girl who scanned his my space, made him delete girls, etc. TOTAL CONTROL FREAK! I doubt it will work with them. For it to work, she needs to be willing to seek therapy and do an overhaul. My friend and his gf would get into fights on a daily basis. That's all I'd ever heard about was about his jealous gf. If she really cared about him, she really needs to seek help for herself if its going to work.

Dec 16th, 2007, 12:50 PM	#1
sphere99 Too Obsessed... Location: Chicago	Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? My friend called me up crying last night, her SO whom she has been serious with for 1.5 years (and planning a 2009 wedding) told her this. She has been experiencing some depression and gets a little hyper and jealous. She tends to get upset about something and want to talk and talk about it (as he put is beat a dead horse) well finally last night he told her she is pushing him away by doing that. Now she feels they can't stay together, he should understand her needing to talk about things that bother her and if she has to worry about any little thing she says for fear of pushing him away....what are your thoughts? I bascially listened but wasn't sure what to say as I have never had a guy tell me that. __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 12:55 PM	#2
lolitablue Lookn 4 Bling Blings Location: In a shoe	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? Wow, could that be a sign that he got wandering eyes? My ex SO did that and he (several times) kept sending that signal, which is essentially trying to put the guilt back on you when they are the ones doing the crazy shtuff. __________________ My Wishlist (2008): Burberry Watch (spotted) Rebecca Minkoff Mini Nikki in Wine or Black (soon?) Looking for Pewter Bling Blings My lovelies

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:13 PM	#3
queenvictoria2 psalm 25:4 Location: In a Shoe ....	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? I would suggest counseling before they get married .... can I ask how old they are? __________________ Wishlist: A Cure for Cancer

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:19 PM	#4
sphere99 Too Obsessed... Location: Chicago	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? The situation is he got upset at her one night because he "thought" she did something she didn't and so at dinner with a group of people he sat next to a girl who likes him (he is 22) which he knows his GF would not like he drove her to the restaurant etc. So he tells his GF acting like it was nothing (he didn't do anything just drove her and sat next to her), so anyway my friend gets very upset and in a stupid rage tells him she doesn't want him talking to her anymore which he agrees, so she gives him diff scenarios etc even hi he said no he promises he wont talk to her. So comes yesterday and this girl walks up to him and talks to him so he quickly answers her and leaves (yes being good) well my friend got a little upset not that she thinks he likes her but the fact that he promised (as stupid as it was) and when she askes him about he gets REALLY MAD, tells her she's being ridiclous what was he supposed to do, etc. she said its not that she thinks he likes her, its that he promised under any circumstance he wouldn't, so is there always going to be an excuse well I had to etc... he says well I am sorry, I suppose I should have said not even hi. My friend is still upset and wants to talk more about him breaking a promise even a tiny one, he then tells her if she keeps acting like this she is losing him because she is pushing him away with this behiavor. He said if it happens again the wedding is off. I think she was a little hyper but then again I can understand he made a promise even if he was stupid to make it! __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:24 PM	#5
HubbaWubba Sofa King Banned	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? These two should not be planning a wedding.

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:32 PM	#8
HubbaWubba Sofa King Banned	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? I think both friends are too immature to get married at this point. The bf can't even say hello to another female or breathe the same air. Your friend seems really insecure. Imagine what happens down the road when something really serious happens? What if he has to work late one night? I bet she accuses him of cheating. I don't see them as staying married if they go through with it. JMHO

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:40 PM	#9
sphere99 Too Obsessed... Location: Chicago	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? She is really insecure! I dont know why and neither does she, she is trying to work on it and I know he deals with a lot of crap from her. They both really love each other and want it to work, however, she is a talker and just likes to talk about things but yea she's totally wrong. sigh __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 01:57 PM	#10
Traci MOD - tastic!	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? The depression she's been feeling along with the jealousy and hyper-ness, are really, in essence, her problem. She is irrational in expecting her boyfriend to ignore anyone she picks out and to assume that he will not respond when spoken to. That would just be plain rude. She is insecure and has to realize that feeling that way is HER problem, not his. And if she keeps pushing that problem onto him and making it his problem as well, then yes, it is going to push him away. She should seek counseling to help her to overcome her own fears and insecurities. And it's a very big sign that he is willing to cancel the wedding if she should do that "one" more time. That's an excuse for something deeper. I think that she really should talk to someone about why she feels that way and what is making her react that way because it could be this guy or another guy....she needs to fix what is making her feel that way before she can share her life with someone else and have that be a healthy, well-adjusted relationship. __________________ The blog is back! http://www.tra-world.blogspot.com/

Dec 16th, 2007, 03:02 PM	#11
Pursegrrl Oh! That Joe! Location: Seattle	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? ^^ What Traci said!! __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 03:08 PM	#12
jlund Member	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? Gosh, it's really so tough opening one's self up to another. Both of them should seek some form of help before marriage, because if they do marry with this un addressed then they are just lighting the proverbial fuse on the issue that wil ultimately end their marriage.

Dec 16th, 2007, 03:12 PM	#13
sphere99 Too Obsessed... Location: Chicago	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? I just talked to her a little more and she said about 3 months ago he started acting more distant, his father died. he swears hes fine and he wants to be with her etc, but that is when her insecurity started. Their situation used to be reversed, he was the jealous insecure one then suddenly he says he loves her but acts like he doesn't care if he talks to her or not. That is why she said she suddenly became so insecure is because she is worried he's just used to having her around but doesn't really want her now that his life has been turned upside down with the death. She is very impatient and can be kind of annoying with wanting to talk about EVERYTHING in detail. an example she gave me is that before the death he was begging her to marry him, calling her all the time, etc. Now a day can go by and he won't even send her a Text message. but when she does talk to him he goes on and on about how he loves her and she is his life etc. __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 07:43 PM	#14
Syntagma Member	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? I agree with the others that they should not be planning a wedding. She is extremely insecure. I wouldn't be with a man who was doing this to me. She needs to reverse the situation and see how she would feel. I completely understand his anger. Someone can only accuse you of doing something soo many times before you just get angry. She is definately pushing him away with her behavior! __________________

Dec 16th, 2007, 08:15 PM	#15
paintednightsky Member	Re: Has your SO ever told you that something your doing is pushing him away? She definitely is pushing him away. I had a guy friend in the same situation with a total bi-polar/depressed type of girl who scanned his my space, made him delete girls, etc. TOTAL CONTROL FREAK! I doubt it will work with them. For it to work, she needs to be willing to seek therapy and do an overhaul. My friend and his gf would get into fights on a daily basis. That's all I'd ever heard about was about his jealous gf. If she really cared about him, she really needs to seek help for herself if its going to work.