Has anyone ever broken up, gotten back together, and had it work out?

Maryanne007 · Jun 17th, 2008, 12:02 AM

I'm stuck in a situation where there has been some major problems in my relationship with my SO of two years. We have almost broken up twice, once a few months ago, once yesterday. We have decided to try to work harder on the problems--majority of which is communication. Its been difficult to keep fighting and to keep trying to mend. Does anyone have any advice, on how to get back, move on, and move forward, without rethinking and reanalzying all the things in the past? Ie. How does one create a fresh start?

Thanks. :)

VPT · Jun 17th, 2008, 12:36 AM

I think it would be difficult to carry on, you might be better off with a new guy.
Before I got married, I broke up and went back to my ex. It was hard trying to make things work again. We each came up with a list of things we thought the other should change but it didn't work out in the end because we kept nitpicking, something we didn't do before. All this breaking up and repatching over almost 6 yrs!!! I think you can only work on so many faults, and as you do, you will see more of the other person's faults. If you're destined not to be compatible from the start, it's going to be a bumpy ride trying to make it work again. In the end I got tired of the roller coaster relationship and settled for a new love. Oh what a refreshment that was!

Maryanne007 · Jun 17th, 2008, 12:38 AM

^^ yeah, but as long as I am still in it, I'd like to know how to work through the hard times, as I'm sure there are always rough times in every relationship. Perhaps it wont work out, but I'd like to know how to give my best effort.

maddog · Jun 17th, 2008, 12:48 AM

Did you resolve all your current issues on both sides yet? If not, it'll bubble under the surface until a future date, which ensures that you'll have the same fight again. I find that the only real way I can have things resolved is to understand why my bf did this/that and realizing that even if he made a mistake, he had a valid reason, or why I do or feel certain things.

If everything is resolved and it's a matter of getting back on track and trying to stay there, try to have some fun and light hearted times together. Give each other breathing room and probably most importantly, try not to take things personally.

Maybe having a goal of "I will try to do this / not do this anymore to keep this problem resolved" can also help. Good luck!

ChristyR143 · Jun 17th, 2008, 12:49 AM

My husband and I were off and on for 4 years before finally pulling our heads out of our rear-ends and realizing what we had. We were engaged for a year, and we've been married for 10 years this year.

Basically what you have to do is just let the past go. Easier said than done, yes. But if you love the guy and want to make it work, you must let it go and focus on the present. There's no way you can move forward if you are constantly looking back.

Irissy · Jun 17th, 2008, 01:55 AM

My ex and I were together for about 5 years and we broke up a total of 3X during the course. IMO, there are reasons for these break ups and it's better to just move on since these "reasons" will always come back to haunt you.

illinirdhd · Jun 17th, 2008, 02:46 AM

I guess from experience, I think exes are exes for a reason, and should usually not be given another shot. If you were married with kids, I'd say give it another shot, try your best to make it work. But when you're just dating, I think women have this need to make it work. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. So we practically kill ourselves (and our self worth) trying not to fail. We try to polish a turd, or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, as the sayings go. Often we should have just cut our losses when we had the chance and moved on.

If you truly want to make it work, put a timeframe in your head. Things will be vastly different (and wonderful) in the next 90 days or I'm d-o-n-e. If you want marriage, and you're over 21, I think you have NO time to waste in a relationship that just doesn't work. Take it from any one of us who gave years of our lives to the wrong guy.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 17th, 2008, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I guess from experience, I think exes are exes for a reason, and should usually not be given another shot. If you were married with kids, I'd say give it another shot, try your best to make it work. But when you're just dating, I think women have this need to make it work. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. So we practically kill ourselves (and our self worth) trying not to fail. We try to polish a turd, or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, as the sayings go. Often we should have just cut our losses when we had the chance and moved on.

If you truly want to make it work, put a timeframe in your head. Things will be vastly different (and wonderful) in the next 90 days or I'm d-o-n-e. If you want marriage, and you're over 21, I think you have NO time to waste in a relationship that just doesn't work. Take it from any one of us who gave years of our lives to the wrong guy.

took the words outta my mouth!!

Glamfoxx · Jun 17th, 2008, 07:25 AM

Well...I dated Guy A, things didn't work out. Met Guy B, went out with Guy B, things didn't work. Went out with Guy A a bit again since all I wanted to do was cut loose and have some fun and we were still friends... Things didn't work... Gave Guy B who missed me a whole bunch (and really is a good guy) a second chance, then married Guy B. Turned out Guy A was an a-hole and Guy B was brilliant!

So I have to go with a 50/50 chance of a relationship working out after a break up based on my personal experience. Just do what feels right... And make sure he is a brilliant guy, and not an a-hole!

GUNG · Jun 17th, 2008, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I guess from experience, I think exes are exes for a reason, and should usually not be given another shot. If you were married with kids, I'd say give it another shot, try your best to make it work. But when you're just dating, I think women have this need to make it work. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. So we practically kill ourselves (and our self worth) trying not to fail. We try to polish a turd, or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, as the sayings go. Often we should have just cut our losses when we had the chance and moved on.

If you truly want to make it work, put a timeframe in your head. Things will be vastly different (and wonderful) in the next 90 days or I'm d-o-n-e. If you want marriage, and you're over 21, I think you have NO time to waste in a relationship that just doesn't work. Take it from any one of us who gave years of our lives to the wrong guy.

This is a perfect response! Seriously, it is so clear, to the point, and well written! Thank you!

Maryanne007 · Jun 17th, 2008, 09:44 AM

Thanks for the thoughts ladies. I guess in my situation, he hasn't really been an ex yet. I mean we were talking about breaking up or working it out. Decided on working it out, and trying not to let everything put such a cloud over us that we havent been having fun anymore, so I'm trying to have some lighthearted times, but its so hard not to dwell over the past. I'm really trying hard to work on that. And while there is no set time period, I also know that either things improve, or this will be it.

aklein · Jun 17th, 2008, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I guess from experience, I think exes are exes for a reason, and should usually not be given another shot. If you were married with kids, I'd say give it another shot, try your best to make it work. But when you're just dating, I think women have this need to make it work. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. So we practically kill ourselves (and our self worth) trying not to fail. We try to polish a turd, or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, as the sayings go. Often we should have just cut our losses when we had the chance and moved on.

If you truly want to make it work, put a timeframe in your head. Things will be vastly different (and wonderful) in the next 90 days or I'm d-o-n-e. If you want marriage, and you're over 21, I think you have NO time to waste in a relationship that just doesn't work. Take it from any one of us who gave years of our lives to the wrong guy.

Pearls of wisdom as usual. I swear we must have dated the same guy!

Jahpson · Jun 17th, 2008, 10:26 AM

Been there done that, didn't work. would I do it again? hell no. We break up permanantly no more games

Here is some advice for you:

Stop breaking up everytime you get in an argument!!!!

when you guys are in a heated discussion, someone PLEASE walk away and cool down. Then come back and talk it out.

keya · Jun 17th, 2008, 01:02 PM

My ex and I broke up and got back together again, but it didn't work out. In retrospect I have no idea why I went back for more, we broke up for a reason and I should've just stuck with it.

twinkle.tink · Jun 17th, 2008, 01:08 PM

Hmmm, this is a really hard one....when I first met my DH the attraction was instant, and like fireworks...great right? Not really...we worked together and both had SOs. For awhile we flirted and got to know each other, went to after work functions with co-workers and talked and talked...his car broke down and he couldn't afford to get it fixed, we started commuting together....the first time I dropped him off at his house he invited me in for a soda...the second he bent down to greet his cat and started baby talking to the cat and then looked up into my eyes, I knew he was the one for me...I broke up with my BF that night. DH took a litle longer...but within another few months we were officially a couple, the turning point for him was a lunch we had together when he finally admitted his feelings for me and told me he was afraid and sorry for hurting his GF (they had been together for 7 years) but 'knew' he was meant to be with me.

Now, that should be the fairy tale ending right...WRONG! There was a tremendous amount of guilt that hampered the beginning of our relationship...plus we are both very alpha male type personalities, stubborn and opinionated, put in the fact we had some basic major differences, my parents didn't like him, his friends didn't care for me and I had a son from a previous marriage....yeah, a very rocky start...we broke up and got back together twice. The second time we broke up, he called and asked me to marry him.

Before I said yes, we had a long talk about letting go of the past and the guilt and choosing each other and create our own future. We acknowledged that we would have problems, we had disagreements, we were never going to see eye to eye on everything, but in the end what mattered is we were meant to be together...that was 15 years ago.

OK, sorry this turned out to be so long...my point is so many people today believe in the Disney ending...you'll meet your prince, fall in love and your life will be wonderful...what a bunch of BS...life and marriage takes hard work...is 'he' the one worth all work? Is he the one, that through it all you are meant to be with? Some where in your heart you know....if he is, then it makes all the work worth while.

Jun 17th, 2008, 12:02 AM	#1
Maryanne007 Member	Has anyone ever broken up, gotten back together, and had it work out? I'm stuck in a situation where there has been some major problems in my relationship with my SO of two years. We have almost broken up twice, once a few months ago, once yesterday. We have decided to try to work harder on the problems--majority of which is communication. Its been difficult to keep fighting and to keep trying to mend. Does anyone have any advice, on how to get back, move on, and move forward, without rethinking and reanalzying all the things in the past? Ie. How does one create a fresh start? Thanks. :)

Jun 17th, 2008, 12:36 AM	#2
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	I think it would be difficult to carry on, you might be better off with a new guy. Before I got married, I broke up and went back to my ex. It was hard trying to make things work again. We each came up with a list of things we thought the other should change but it didn't work out in the end because we kept nitpicking, something we didn't do before. All this breaking up and repatching over almost 6 yrs!!! I think you can only work on so many faults, and as you do, you will see more of the other person's faults. If you're destined not to be compatible from the start, it's going to be a bumpy ride trying to make it work again. In the end I got tired of the roller coaster relationship and settled for a new love. Oh what a refreshment that was! __________________

Jun 17th, 2008, 12:49 AM	#5
ChristyR143 But it was on sale!! Location: Texas	My husband and I were off and on for 4 years before finally pulling our heads out of our rear-ends and realizing what we had. We were engaged for a year, and we've been married for 10 years this year. Basically what you have to do is just let the past go. Easier said than done, yes. But if you love the guy and want to make it work, you must let it go and focus on the present. There's no way you can move forward if you are constantly looking back. __________________

Jun 17th, 2008, 01:55 AM	#6
Irissy Meow?! Location: California	My ex and I were together for about 5 years and we broke up a total of 3X during the course. IMO, there are reasons for these break ups and it's better to just move on since these "reasons" will always come back to haunt you. __________________ Wish List: black suhali lockit MM damier azur speedy 25 B-bag RED twiggy

Jun 17th, 2008, 02:46 AM	#7
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I guess from experience, I think exes are exes for a reason, and should usually not be given another shot. If you were married with kids, I'd say give it another shot, try your best to make it work. But when you're just dating, I think women have this need to make it work. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. So we practically kill ourselves (and our self worth) trying not to fail. We try to polish a turd, or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, as the sayings go. Often we should have just cut our losses when we had the chance and moved on. If you truly want to make it work, put a timeframe in your head. Things will be vastly different (and wonderful) in the next 90 days or I'm d-o-n-e. If you want marriage, and you're over 21, I think you have NO time to waste in a relationship that just doesn't work. Take it from any one of us who gave years of our lives to the wrong guy. __________________

Jun 17th, 2008, 12:38 AM	#3
Maryanne007 Member	^^ yeah, but as long as I am still in it, I'd like to know how to work through the hard times, as I'm sure there are always rough times in every relationship. Perhaps it wont work out, but I'd like to know how to give my best effort.

Jun 17th, 2008, 12:48 AM	#4
maddog Mmmkay	Did you resolve all your current issues on both sides yet? If not, it'll bubble under the surface until a future date, which ensures that you'll have the same fight again. I find that the only real way I can have things resolved is to understand why my bf did this/that and realizing that even if he made a mistake, he had a valid reason, or why I do or feel certain things. If everything is resolved and it's a matter of getting back on track and trying to stay there, try to have some fun and light hearted times together. Give each other breathing room and probably most importantly, try not to take things personally. Maybe having a goal of "I will try to do this / not do this anymore to keep this problem resolved" can also help. Good luck!

Jun 17th, 2008, 07:25 AM	#9
Glamfoxx Member	Well...I dated Guy A, things didn't work out. Met Guy B, went out with Guy B, things didn't work. Went out with Guy A a bit again since all I wanted to do was cut loose and have some fun and we were still friends... Things didn't work... Gave Guy B who missed me a whole bunch (and really is a good guy) a second chance, then married Guy B. Turned out Guy A was an a-hole and Guy B was brilliant! So I have to go with a 50/50 chance of a relationship working out after a break up based on my personal experience. Just do what feels right... And make sure he is a brilliant guy, and not an a-hole!

Jun 17th, 2008, 09:44 AM	#11
Maryanne007 Member	Thanks for the thoughts ladies. I guess in my situation, he hasn't really been an ex yet. I mean we were talking about breaking up or working it out. Decided on working it out, and trying not to let everything put such a cloud over us that we havent been having fun anymore, so I'm trying to have some lighthearted times, but its so hard not to dwell over the past. I'm really trying hard to work on that. And while there is no set time period, I also know that either things improve, or this will be it.

Jun 17th, 2008, 10:26 AM	#13
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	Been there done that, didn't work. would I do it again? hell no. We break up permanantly no more games Here is some advice for you: Stop breaking up everytime you get in an argument!!!! when you guys are in a heated discussion, someone PLEASE walk away and cool down. Then come back and talk it out. __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jun 17th, 2008, 01:02 PM	#14
keya Member	My ex and I broke up and got back together again, but it didn't work out. In retrospect I have no idea why I went back for more, we broke up for a reason and I should've just stuck with it.

Jun 17th, 2008, 01:08 PM	#15
twinkle.tink Pixie Duster Location: Just call me Tink ;)	Hmmm, this is a really hard one....when I first met my DH the attraction was instant, and like fireworks...great right? Not really...we worked together and both had SOs. For awhile we flirted and got to know each other, went to after work functions with co-workers and talked and talked...his car broke down and he couldn't afford to get it fixed, we started commuting together....the first time I dropped him off at his house he invited me in for a soda...the second he bent down to greet his cat and started baby talking to the cat and then looked up into my eyes, I knew he was the one for me...I broke up with my BF that night. DH took a litle longer...but within another few months we were officially a couple, the turning point for him was a lunch we had together when he finally admitted his feelings for me and told me he was afraid and sorry for hurting his GF (they had been together for 7 years) but 'knew' he was meant to be with me. Now, that should be the fairy tale ending right...WRONG! There was a tremendous amount of guilt that hampered the beginning of our relationship...plus we are both very alpha male type personalities, stubborn and opinionated, put in the fact we had some basic major differences, my parents didn't like him, his friends didn't care for me and I had a son from a previous marriage....yeah, a very rocky start...we broke up and got back together twice. The second time we broke up, he called and asked me to marry him. Before I said yes, we had a long talk about letting go of the past and the guilt and choosing each other and create our own future. We acknowledged that we would have problems, we had disagreements, we were never going to see eye to eye on everything, but in the end what mattered is we were meant to be together...that was 15 years ago. OK, sorry this turned out to be so long...my point is so many people today believe in the Disney ending...you'll meet your prince, fall in love and your life will be wonderful...what a bunch of BS...life and marriage takes hard work...is 'he' the one worth all work? Is he the one, that through it all you are meant to be with? Some where in your heart you know....if he is, then it makes all the work worth while. __________________