Great WSJ post: Marital Bonds: Fused By Joint Checking, Dinner Together, Vacations?

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:54 AM

From Wall Street Journal blog:

July 2, 2008, 10:28 am
Marital Bonds: Fused By Joint Checking, Dinner Together, Vacations?

Posted by Sue Shellenbarger

If a little absence makes the heart grow fonder in marriage, can a whole lot of time apart ignite even more passion? Married couples are testing the limits on that question, based on a sweeping long-term study of marriage that I wrote about today in my Work & Family column.

The research, a comparison of more than 2,000 married people in separate studies 20 years apart, shows a steep drop in marital togetherness. Couples aren’t dining or socializing together as much as they did 20 years ago. They’re not doing projects together around the house. They don’t like the same friends. In fact, couples who do very little together at all have increased in number by 28%, to nearly three-fifths of all couples surveyed.

One factor is that more women are working outside the home, providing them independent roles at work and paychecks of their own to finance personal pursuits. And in general, “the individualism that is sweeping our society also is permeating marriage,” says Paul Amato, a Penn State sociology professor and lead author of the study. Put this data together with previous reports in my column showing husbands and wives are keeping separate checking accounts, vacationing separately and not having sex much, either, and a picture emerges of spouses “going it alone” on just about everything.

You might think the quality of U.S. marriages would be falling across the board. But it’s not so. The Penn State study also shows domestic violence and spousal conflict have declined. Husbands and wives are sharing decision-making more evenly. And both sexes are far more likely today than 20 years ago to say they cherish the idea of lifelong marriage. Thus spouses’ independence may, in some ways, be contributing to greater peace and commitment in marriage.

I suspect many couples are struggling to find the right balance for themselves between autonomy and dependence. The best among my 20 years of marriage were self-reliant times when my ex-husband and I each had absorbing careers, separate checking accounts and solo hobbies and social groups. We loved reuniting for long vacations and family gatherings. The beginning of the end came when vacationing as a couple no longer was appealing, and family was no longer available after a cross-continental move.

Others scoff at the idea that living “alone together,” the title of the Penn State study, constitutes a real marriage. If couples were married in the true sense of the word, these critics say, they would naturally want to share such emblems of togetherness as checking accounts, social outings and recreational pursuits.

What are the markers of a true marital bond for you? Is it a joint checking account? Shared vacations? Dinner together every evening? Or is time apart just what you and your spouse need, to make your hearts grow fonder?

sarahloveslouis · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:59 AM

I think it's a very valid point - and I think it's only natural that in today's world couples don't spend every waking moment together.

We do have dinner together about 90% of the time, and we each have our own social lives. We don't really share many "common" friends, and I couldn't be happier with my sweet guy.

caxe · Jul 2nd, 2008, 12:12 PM

I'm all for this concept. It's great to do things on your own, go places on your own, and have your own unique interests. Before you got with your SO you were a whole person living your own life, so I think that it's okay if some of that mentality maintains.

Sometimes my BF has accused me of being "too much of an individual." But I'm sure he wouldn't want me breathing down his neck every minute of every day, either, and being all clingy and dependent, so he doesn't know how good he has it!

Besides, I think that doing things apart only makes you appreciate and treasure that time together even more, and it sure as heck gives you something to look forward to! So I'm all for this line of thinking.

~Fabulousity~ · Jul 2nd, 2008, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caxe

I'm all for this concept. It's great to do things on your own, go places on your own, and have your own unique interests. Before you got with your SO you were a whole person living your own life, so I think that it's okay if some of that mentality maintains.

Sometimes my BF has accused me of being "too much of an individual." But I'm sure he wouldn't want me breathing down his neck every minute of every day, either, and being all clingy and dependent, so he doesn't know how good he has it!

Besides, I think that doing things apart only makes you appreciate and treasure that time together even more, and it sure as heck gives you something to look forward to! So I'm all for this line of thinking.

ITA! Great Post!

razorbackbelle0 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 01:23 PM

SO and I aren't married but we do have a joint account, go to dinner at least once a week and plan all our vacations together. It feels like we're married, we don't need the piece of paper to prove it IMO.

kbell · Jul 2nd, 2008, 01:49 PM

While we have seperate accounts, we also have 1 joint. We both work FT. We dine together, have friends in common, vacation together & do chores/projects together. I have gone away with the girls for a long weekend. He is free to go with the boys if he chooses. We aren't up each others you know but we do a lot of things together and share common interests. I know I wouldn't be happy if my husband didn't want to vacation with me or socialize as a couple, but that's just me. Thankfully he is the same.

may3545 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:38 PM

My BF and I live together, have a joint account for living expenses and fun outings and vacations, and try to have dinner together every night. We both work full time and have our own group of friends, but we try to hang out with them together. I would say outside of work, we spend most of our time together, but we do our own things-- I'll read while he's doing something else. We have separate vacations once a year to see families, but then we take a few vacations just the two of us. It just depends for each relationship.

lovinalotofbags · Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:02 PM

I think it is great to have some things together and some separate. Each of us have friends before we get married. Why should anyone be forced to hang out with each other friends if we do not want to. It is also important to include each other in the important decisions that effect each other and the smaller ones, I mean this is a marriage. Each needs to realize that the initial passion or whatever brought the two together should be a priority. Unless, of course, you have a marriage where you 2 are in separate houses. There was an elderly couple that were married and lived next door to each and also a younger couple who each had a condo in the same building before they got married and each kept their respective condos. It is up to the couples to decide what their marital bonds are. What is good for one marriage is not necessarily goof for another.

katrines · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intl[B

\[/b]And in general, “the individualism that is sweeping our society also is permeating marriage,” says Paul Amato, a Penn State sociology professor and lead author of the study.

This study is so interesting.

ALSO -- ahhhhhh because I graduated with a degree in sociology from Penn State last year. It's a super small department -- Dr. Amato is GREAT! Good to see him on tPF!!! (Ok, geek time over!) :)

Virgo · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IntlSet

From Wall Street Journal blog:

The research, a comparison of more than 2,000 married people in separate studies 20 years apart, shows a steep drop in marital togetherness. Couples aren’t dining or socializing together as much as they did 20 years ago. They’re not doing projects together around the house. They don’t like the same friends. In fact, couples who do very little together at all have increased in number by 28%, to nearly three-fifths of all couples surveyed.

You know what also has changed in 20 years? The divorce rate. Its gone up! This study brings up some reasons that other studies have cited as reasons for higher divorce rates. A lot of women don't have to rely on their husband for support, have their own life and so can much easier walk away.

I am totally for couples being individuals and having their own time, but too much separate time can definitely lead to the couples growing apart. You have to have shared experiences and goals to grow together as a couple and stay bonded.

I remember another study saying how families are dining less and less together, mostly due to the parents and kids' hectic schedules. It was saying it was a bad thing since sitting around the dinner table talking about your day is a positive bonding experience that brings a family together.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:54 AM	#1
IntlSet Bonjour! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 10,592	From Wall Street Journal blog: July 2, 2008, 10:28 am Marital Bonds: Fused By Joint Checking, Dinner Together, Vacations? Posted by Sue Shellenbarger If a little absence makes the heart grow fonder in marriage, can a whole lot of time apart ignite even more passion? Married couples are testing the limits on that question, based on a sweeping long-term study of marriage that I wrote about today in my Work & Family column. The research, a comparison of more than 2,000 married people in separate studies 20 years apart, shows a steep drop in marital togetherness. Couples aren’t dining or socializing together as much as they did 20 years ago. They’re not doing projects together around the house. They don’t like the same friends. In fact, couples who do very little together at all have increased in number by 28%, to nearly three-fifths of all couples surveyed. One factor is that more women are working outside the home, providing them independent roles at work and paychecks of their own to finance personal pursuits. And in general, “the individualism that is sweeping our society also is permeating marriage,” says Paul Amato, a Penn State sociology professor and lead author of the study. Put this data together with previous reports in my column showing husbands and wives are keeping separate checking accounts, vacationing separately and not having sex much, either, and a picture emerges of spouses “going it alone” on just about everything. You might think the quality of U.S. marriages would be falling across the board. But it’s not so. The Penn State study also shows domestic violence and spousal conflict have declined. Husbands and wives are sharing decision-making more evenly. And both sexes are far more likely today than 20 years ago to say they cherish the idea of lifelong marriage. Thus spouses’ independence may, in some ways, be contributing to greater peace and commitment in marriage. I suspect many couples are struggling to find the right balance for themselves between autonomy and dependence. The best among my 20 years of marriage were self-reliant times when my ex-husband and I each had absorbing careers, separate checking accounts and solo hobbies and social groups. We loved reuniting for long vacations and family gatherings. The beginning of the end came when vacationing as a couple no longer was appealing, and family was no longer available after a cross-continental move. Others scoff at the idea that living “alone together,” the title of the Penn State study, constitutes a real marriage. If couples were married in the true sense of the word, these critics say, they would naturally want to share such emblems of togetherness as checking accounts, social outings and recreational pursuits. What are the markers of a true marital bond for you? Is it a joint checking account? Shared vacations? Dinner together every evening? Or is time apart just what you and your spouse need, to make your hearts grow fonder? __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:59 AM	#2
sarahloveslouis Smitten Kitten Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,963	I think it's a very valid point - and I think it's only natural that in today's world couples don't spend every waking moment together. We do have dinner together about 90% of the time, and we each have our own social lives. We don't really share many "common" friends, and I couldn't be happier with my sweet guy. __________________ Almost too busy planning a wedding to think about new bags. Must Read: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Jul 2nd, 2008, 12:12 PM	#3
caxe I'm the pappy! Joined: Mar 2007 Location: The Southeast, US Posts: 3,267	I'm all for this concept. It's great to do things on your own, go places on your own, and have your own unique interests. Before you got with your SO you were a whole person living your own life, so I think that it's okay if some of that mentality maintains. Sometimes my BF has accused me of being "too much of an individual." But I'm sure he wouldn't want me breathing down his neck every minute of every day, either, and being all clingy and dependent, so he doesn't know how good he has it! Besides, I think that doing things apart only makes you appreciate and treasure that time together even more, and it sure as heck gives you something to look forward to! So I'm all for this line of thinking. __________________ RIP Bernie Mac RIP Isaac Hayes

Jul 2nd, 2008, 01:49 PM	#6
kbell Member Joined: Aug 2007 Location: MA Posts: 1,933	While we have seperate accounts, we also have 1 joint. We both work FT. We dine together, have friends in common, vacation together & do chores/projects together. I have gone away with the girls for a long weekend. He is free to go with the boys if he chooses. We aren't up each others you know but we do a lot of things together and share common interests. I know I wouldn't be happy if my husband didn't want to vacation with me or socialize as a couple, but that's just me. Thankfully he is the same. __________________ Is it football season yet? All out ban in progress

Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:38 PM	#7
may3545 Happy living Joined: Mar 2006 Location: NorCal Posts: 1,968	My BF and I live together, have a joint account for living expenses and fun outings and vacations, and try to have dinner together every night. We both work full time and have our own group of friends, but we try to hang out with them together. I would say outside of work, we spend most of our time together, but we do our own things-- I'll read while he's doing something else. We have separate vacations once a year to see families, but then we take a few vacations just the two of us. It just depends for each relationship. __________________ Visit my website at www.TheConsciousSnob.com for a fun and mindful outlook about conscious living!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 01:23 PM	#5
razorbackbelle0 Sofa King Banned Joined: Mar 2007 Location: Raiding PBC's closet... shh! Posts: 7,198	SO and I aren't married but we do have a joint account, go to dinner at least once a week and plan all our vacations together. It feels like we're married, we don't need the piece of paper to prove it IMO.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:02 PM	#8
lovinalotofbags Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: Carolinas Posts: 1,329	I think it is great to have some things together and some separate. Each of us have friends before we get married. Why should anyone be forced to hang out with each other friends if we do not want to. It is also important to include each other in the important decisions that effect each other and the smaller ones, I mean this is a marriage. Each needs to realize that the initial passion or whatever brought the two together should be a priority. Unless, of course, you have a marriage where you 2 are in separate houses. There was an elderly couple that were married and lived next door to each and also a younger couple who each had a condo in the same building before they got married and each kept their respective condos. It is up to the couples to decide what their marital bonds are. What is good for one marriage is not necessarily goof for another. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.