Going through a divorce and every day is harder!

[sphere99]

I need some help those of you who have some experience. We were married 12 years and have one son, 9. I left, because he wouldn't do anything to change or fix our marriage after begging him to do something. I thought maybe he would miss me and then do something, instead he got a GF after 2 weeks of seperation and now it's been 13 months and he is still with her. The divorce is progressing. I am still crying every day and feel like I want to die. I have tried many meds and to be really honest the only reason I am here is because of my Son, he needs me so I will be here for him. But that is how bad I feel. I go through each day because I have to. I want my husband back and the worst is knowing I left him!

I keep thinking he will walk through the door like it was a big old dream! But it's not, it's real life. I am moving on, I have a job I love, new friends (we moved to a new area), I bought a house, everything seems to be going well, but I just miss him SO MUCH. I no longer see any of the bad just all of the good and I am so miserable. Please give me words of wisdom ladies.

[juneping]

you can keep reminding yourself why you left him.

or you can try going out with other people. i know that you have to take care of your son but you can hire a sitter once or twice a week. just because you are a mother doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. you never know, may be you'll meet someone who rocks your world.

[vhdos]

Divorce sucks. I've been there.
I know you miss your ex, but you just can't make someone love you any more than you can make them change. In time, you'll let go, which doesn't make things any easier for you right now.
Are you seeing other people yet (dating)? Not that you need to start anything hot & heavy, but perhaps you need to start moving on with your love life too.

[spoiled_brat]

Have you tried therapy?

Medications are good in terms of helping you go on with your everyday life but they do not treat the root cause. Talking to family/friends is great but they lack the capability to help you in a way that a trained professional would.

[Allisonfaye]

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. Can you write a list of why you left him and keep it handy for the times you are only remembering the good?

[lovinalotofbags]

I have been through it and when I think of the bad, that outweighs the good, I think to myself, "I am glad we are divorced.

You have a new house, new friends and a precious son. Enjoy the fact that you do not have to put up with the crap that you left, enjoy your life and have fun. Think about how your life used to be and dry those tears, smile and move on.

[yeliab]

I saw an episode on Oprah where they explained that people miss the Fantasy of the relationship.... Not the reality of the relationship. That is what's making you sad and feel regret. You're stuck in the "Fantasy" relationship with your ex.

There are reasons why you left him... and All Very Good valid reasons too!

KUDOS to you for being Brave for you and your son! Can you imagine the dysfunction if you stayed with your ex? At least NOW your son has a chance of understanding Respect, Integrity and Love by YOUR Example.

Think back to your Reality past and write down the reasons why you left... whenever those "fantasy" scenarios pops up in your head and makes you miss him or the "fantasy" relationship..... Remember the Reality list.

YOU DID THE BEST THING FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR SON!! THANK GOD YOU HAD THE STRENGTH, THE LOVE, THE BRAVERY TO DO IT!! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!

Now, when you're ready - get out there and get the Man YOU Deserve!! You're Worth it!

[Kansashalo]

OP I don't know what you're going through. I've only been through BF/GF breakups so I can't imagine having to end a marriage with a child to boot. But like others have said, remind yourself why you left him. Obviously, it was for the best - seeing how he moved on with a GF two weeks later.

And now, more than ever, you need to take care of YOU so that you can be there for your son. Get into therapy ASAP. That along with meds may be the trick and not just meds alone. Additionally, move forward with your life, not just in terms of dating but in terms of being active. Go to www.meetup.com and find groups that do things you enjoy. Discover yourself again.

I wish you the best!

I think yeliab said it best with her quote from Oprah...

Quote:

people miss the Fantasy of the relationship.... Not the reality of the relationship.

Reading that just helped me a bit too.

[domlee]

Sorry you're heartbroken...

Staying in the marriage, doesn't fix the flaws in the relationship. I learned that lesson. For me, it was an expensive lesson to learn, but one that I'm grateful for learning. She broke up w/ me (we were not married, but very marriage minded after years of living together), and I was devastated from her decision. But it turned out to be the best thing for me.

I was putting far more effort in the relationship than she was. I was putting far more effort into her than she was for me. I was willing to sacrifice more for the relationship than she was for me. It was a lopsided effort. It was only after many months (more than 1 year in case you are wondering) of being on my own and examining all that I've been through, that I came to the conclusion that I was in a better place now than before.

Before realizing this, I was making excuses for it. Seeing all the "positive" reasons for why we were great together, and foolishly not seeing the true "flaws". They say love makes you blind, and indeed it is true. I knew of the flaws. I wasn't naive to them at the time. But I also made excuses that they didn't bother me, and that I could overcome them. In truth, the flaws were built into the very foundation of the relationship. And no amount of ignoring or mickey-mouse patchwork could ever hide it. It was there the whole time. You can't ignore it.

I'm not saying that I'm flawless. I'm not. I definitely made mistakes w/ the relationship as in I should've done this instead of that (I don't mean cheating, just to FYI). Just things or situations I could've handled differently. I'm not saying you are flawless. And just telling your now ex-husband to "fix it" isn't the solution either.

It was only after MANY months of feelings of depression, denial, self-blame, etc...that I began to see that I was given a lifeboat off that sinking ship. If I continued to live a lie, it would've been far more costly and more detrimental to all parties involved. I was floored when a friend of mine revealed that she saw it was lopsided relationship. That I was far more into her than she was to me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And I yelled back to her "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" But in truth, even if my friend told me...it is one of those things that you have to learn on your own. Because when you're in love, you may not like what you hear from others.

Right now, you've said you're seeing nothing but the positives. But that is ignoring the issues that are there. You are putting blinders on to ignore the "real" issues because you're heartbroken. He isn't the perfect guy for you. His excuse will be that he's giving you exactly what you wanted (a divorce). But in truth, he wanted it. He just wasn't the first person to say it. After 12 years of being marriage,...after a mere 2 weeks he had a GF. While there is no timeline regarding dating someone after separation/divorce, there is something to be said about his character as an individual when the marriage is replaced w/ someone in a mere 2 weeks. (Sad, but true).

One of my exes...the same one I mentioned above...she had texted me w/ the following:

(The following occured after I made a decision not to contact her because I saw a pattern. She would always contact me when she NEEDED something, not because she wanted to spend time w/ me. Whereas I contacted her because I wanted to spend time w/ her.)
Her: Would you like to me never contact you again?
Me: Why are you asking me this?
Her: You don't seem to want to be in contact w/ me.

Notice how it is phrased w/ "you" don't want to be in contact w/ "me". It completely reverts back to mistakes in our past relationship, where I was far more into her, than she was to me. There is more to the text, but I simplified it and left out far more detail to get straight to the point.

Don't make excuses for your decision (your divorce). I can assure you that you made the right decision for you. You're heartbroken, and that is normal. And you learned a lesson. But you were also given a new start on life, and you have a wonderful little boy that loves you. Your little boy needs you to give him the guidance on how to live your life (whether you are single or married). Relationships aren't about living lies w/ blinders on. Relationships are about equal work and equal return from both parties. It is about identifying flaws and communicating to fix the issues. As for any new relationships you get involved in...remember what you learned in this past relationship. It'll help you identify what flaws need to be fixed because it is important to you.

[shanam]

Originally Posted by spoiled_brat

Have you tried therapy? Medications are good in terms of helping you go on with your everyday life but they do not treat the root cause. Talking to family/friends is great but they lack the capability to help you in a way that a trained professional would.

This is very good advice. Talking to a trained professional helps you look at your emotions in a way that a friend or family member cannot do. They know how to give you the perspective necessary to accept the reasons that caused you to divorce and to work through the feelings of sadness and regret thast come with such a major life changing event.
best to you and life will improve!

[lorihmatthews]

Are you seeing a therapist or just a doctor who prescribes you meds? I think you're going through a lot, and need someone to talk to --- and I truly personally believe that these types of meds should never be prescribed without accompanying therapy.

I am concerned that your husband has moved on and you have not. You need to show your son what an awesome mom and woman you really are. I'm sure you did not leave your husband on a whim; you tried to make it work. There is more to you than just being there for your son. You are worthy of being on this earth and you need to learn to get your strength back.

Best of luck and I am rooting for you!

[DesigningStyle]

Oh dear this is awful. I am confused about why you would have left a marriage if you were still in love with your spouse? Normally the one that leaves is the one that is ready to move on. Okay enough of that! You need to move on. Put your marriage behind you and get out there! Time to get on with your life and live in the present. Reality is your marriage is OVER. (Oh, and I should tell you that I speak from experience.)

[Minimouse]

sphere, life may feel as though it's harder, but you have improved it for you and your son. Getting a new life together in a new area, with a new home is commendable.

Please write a list of all the bad things about your relationship and look at it everytime you start to feel down. You obviously didn't walk away lightly, you had your reasons. There IS a great future ahead of you, but you need to learn to let go of the past (which will get easier once the divorce has been finalized).

I suspect what is eating you up is the thought of your husband with someone else. I'm sure it's hard to swallow, but a rebound relationship is not always best.

Time to focus on yourself and figure out what you want in life and what will make you happy. Take the necessary steps to reach your goals. Your husband isn't the man for you and as soon as you realize that, you will find life so much better.

[sphere99]

I appreciate everyone's replies. I left because I was miserable and I thought if I left it would wake him up, NOT that he would just get someone else right away. I never in a million years thought he would just find a replacement. I really didn't. I am still in shock. I still expect him to come walking through the door. I miss the companionship the everything. I have attempted to date and it didn't go well, probably because I dated someone who reminded me of my ex and was "safe" (knew it would never go anywhere). I am in therapy but she doesn't seem to be really helping, I mostly just go and update her of my situation, not sure if that's what is supposed to happen?

[pinkstawberry09]

move on with your life. he did after two week of separation. you should do the same!! find someone who will love you even more! left the past behind and look forward!