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meluvs2shop · Sep 27th, 2009, 11:24 AM

^^please do yourself a favor and find a new therapist. i'm not saying that your current therapist is awful but within a certain time frame you need to start lifting yourself out of your rut, and it seems as though this therapist has you stuck... still. although you need to do your part as well, that's key. sometimes divorce is like mourning the death of a loved one-it takes time. you're mourning the person/relationship you once knew.

men are interesting creatures and sometimes not all that complex. when they want/love you they will show you, no holds barred. right now your husband is enjoying his new found freedom with this woman. and right now he may feel pity for you, but that doesn't mean he wants you back, yet. with that being said, you two may never get back, but you do need to make an effort and move on. join a club or two, a gym, an organization, do volunteer work by yourself and also find one you can do with your son. it's important that your son sees the beauty you possess on the inside, even though it's a bit dark in there now. Good luck with everything and remember, one day at a time. but make an effort to look pretty even when you feel ugly inside. take care of YOU.

lorihmatthews · Sep 27th, 2009, 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by meluvs2shop

^^please do yourself a favor and find a new therapist. i'm not saying that your current therapist is awful but within a certain time frame you need to start lifting yourself out of your rut, and it seems as though this therapist has you stuck...

ITA with this statement. If your therapist is working effectively with you, I can't imagine that you cannot move forward after 13 months. That's not to say this therapist is bad, it's just not a good fit for you.

That said, you also need to take a hard look at yourself and move forward. No one can do that for you.

alliemia · Sep 27th, 2009, 05:36 PM

i agree with finding a therpist that actually helps you. not one that you just give updates. that therapist doesn't sound like a good fit for you.

i feel so sad for you. that you were willing to try to make your marriage work, and basically your husband just went out after 2 weeks and found a girlfriend? you miss him because you are lonely, not because he is a wonderful husband. you will find someone when you are ready. this shady woman that would want to be with a guy that is married and only 2 weeks seperated, she deserves him.

i think once you move on you'll start to feel much better.

DiorDeVille · Sep 28th, 2009, 12:14 AM

OP, it sounds like you didn't really want a divorce and that hasn't changed - am I reading your post right? And does your husband know this? Or does he honestly still think that you want a divorce?

Playing chicken with a relationship by pretending to leave/breakup/get a divorce doesn't seem to workout very often. I've never been married, so I can't speak from any experience. But I think most guys take us at our word - if you say you want a break up or a divorce, he's going to assume that's exactly what you want, and he's going to start thinking of himself as single and working through the pain. I've also watched guys I know get a "space-filler" girl during/ following a divorce because they feel bad and alone and it helps them feel better. They still feel a lot for their wife/ex-wife (usually a lot of anger in there though).

Is there some way that you could sit your husband down and say you've changed your mind and want him, that you hope you could both work on your marriage for your child's sake and also because you still care for him, etc.? If he says no, then obviously move on, but also stay open in case he thinks about it and extricates himself from this current relationship. If you never wanted a divorce, then a temporary suspension of pride would be well worth it either way: either (a) he comes back, quickly or eventually, or (b) you really did do everything you could to make it work and it didn't, which should help you get closure and move forward.

Also...would you want him back if he didn't have a new girlfriend...?

Obviously, if you DID want a divorce, none of this applies. And I don't know why your marriage was struggling, so - there are some scenarios where divorce really does seem like the best answer. Either way, I'm so very sorry you're in this place and hope that things get much better and easier and happier for you very very soon.

sphere99 · Sep 28th, 2009, 08:19 AM

DiorDeville - Oh yes, I have talked to him, asked him to go to therapy, wrote him heart felt letters, all since 3 weeks after we split, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend at the time. I moved and just realized I wasn't doing the right thing, that splitting was not going to fix things. I was being stupid. I was just so confused and depressed and didn't know what else to do and he refused any counseling and he was against me getting any medication for depression so I just sat around and cried. He wasn't mean or abusive or anything, just so so crabby and angry. Anything my son or I would say 90% of the time we would get a crabby one word reply. Just gave the house a bad feeling.

I too did my share to not help things out, back a couple years ago I thought by flirting with other guys it might help him want me more, that didn't help AT ALL, and I think that did a lot more harm then I could have ever imagined. Then from there I just kept begging him to go to counseling with me, and he would promise to change and he would, for about a week, then the cycle would go on and on and on.

DiorDeVille · Sep 28th, 2009, 04:12 PM

^I'm really sorry you've had to go through that - it sounds so painful. I really hope things get better soon. If he knows that you want him back then, as painful as it is, you've done all you can do. It sounds like you're aware of the parts of the split that are yours and are taking responsibility for them and learning from them, so that's good news for your future. And it sounds like he wasn't taking very good care of you emotionally, so for now, you're free to do that without his interference, which is a good thing, right?

It does sound like he's made his choice, at least for now, and the best thing you could do would be to look out for yourself and your own health. Maybe keep - or make - things between him and you civil and kind and honest, just in case he changes his mind or his behavior. Since you have to stay in touch for your child's sake, its not like you're hanging on to someone that you'd otherwise drop completely. But outside of being civil and kind, I'd let him "drop" out of the way and move forward on your own. And whether things work out with him or you meet someone who makes you happier, you can see it as a chance to be upfront and honest about your needs, which will help a guy meet them without having to play any guessing games about what you're thinking. A family member of mine said a book helped her with a similar situation - I think its called "Love and Respect" and is on amazon. I can't remember the author, but will ask.

Please take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up over where you are right now, and focus on learning and looking forward. Best of luck in the journey out of this.

MarieG · Sep 28th, 2009, 04:34 PM

I am so incredibly sorry to hear that- I can only imagine what kind of pain you're going through! Heartbreak and the end of a dream (what you envisioned for your future together) is one of the hardest things to deal with. When I went through my major break up my mum said to me that she thinks it's actually easier to deal with a death than a broken heart. I am sending you loads of strength and loads of love! I am certain you will get through this- it's a long road but you will get there. Once you're there things will look up again, your heart will be open for love again and you will find someone who is better suited to you and will work hard for your love. Try to keep yourself super busy until then. That's my best advice for the long road you have ahead of you. Whenever there is something going on outside of the house when you're sitting there crying and suffering- do it! There is no better way to move on and speed up the recovery process. All the best to you- you will be fine soon and will be proud of yourself for not staying with a man who does not treat you with the respect you truly deserve!

juneping · Sep 29th, 2009, 08:02 PM

i am sorry about what happened....i agree with others, looking for a new shrink. i had three, and i like my current one. when you find someone that fits you, you'll get so much more out of it.
we all learn from our past. GL!!

gentbelgium · Sep 29th, 2009, 08:12 PM

xanax works wonders...and being nice to yourself works like a charm..spa, facial, hair,shopping...superficial i know but at least it'll take your mind of things.

Green Zebra · Sep 29th, 2009, 09:02 PM

Originally Posted by sphere99

I need some help those of you who have some experience. We were married 12 years and have one son, 9. I left, because he wouldn't do anything to change or fix our marriage after begging him to do something. I thought maybe he would miss me and then do something, instead he got a GF after 2 weeks of seperation and now it's been 13 months and he is still with her.

OP, it sounds like there was something that you were very unhappy with in the marriage, wanted to work on with your husband, and he wouldn't. I'm not sure what that was, but you do. And that's why you left, perhaps to give him an ultimatum. Yes?

That didn't work, and he found a new girlfriend two weeks later, which made you feel like you shouldn't have done what you did. It's not your fault! To me, it sounds like his heart was not in the relationship with you. He didn't try to get you back. I'm sorry. I truly think whether you gave him an ultimatum or not, or left or not...things would have turned out the same.

Stay strong...when I left my ex, I wrote down a list of all the ways that he "wronged" me...and when I was feeling lonely, and questioning and double guessing my decision, I would take out the paper and read it...and feel better about my decision.

bernz84 · Sep 29th, 2009, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by sphere99

DiorDeville - Oh yes, I have talked to him, asked him to go to therapy, wrote him heart felt letters, all since 3 weeks after we split, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend at the time. I moved and just realized I wasn't doing the right thing, that splitting was not going to fix things. I was being stupid. I was just so confused and depressed and didn't know what else to do and he refused any counseling and he was against me getting any medication for depression so I just sat around and cried. He wasn't mean or abusive or anything, just so so crabby and angry. Anything my son or I would say 90% of the time we would get a crabby one word reply. Just gave the house a bad feeling.

I too did my share to not help things out, back a couple years ago I thought by flirting with other guys it might help him want me more, that didn't help AT ALL, and I think that did a lot more harm then I could have ever imagined. Then from there I just kept begging him to go to counseling with me, and he would promise to change and he would, for about a week, then the cycle would go on and on and on.

You must re-read all of this. Right now, it sounds like you are in love with the idea of him; the reality is, he treated you terribly towards the end of your marriage and you needed out. You say that you made a mistake in walking away, but honestly, if you were really happy you wouldn't have done that. If he really wanted to make the marriage work, he would've run to you as soon as you moved out, not get a new girlfriend in a matter of weeks. And by the way it sounds, it looks like he was waiting for a way out a long time ago but didn't know how to do it. Sorry, OP, but the fact that he was mean and angry towards you hints that he wasn't into the relationship as you were.

I think what really concerned me was when I read how you tried to flirt with other guys while you were married so you could get your husband's attention. Not that I feel bad for him or berate you for doing so, but a good functioning relationship shouldn't make you evoke jealousy to your partner so he could love you more.

I agree that you should find a different therapist...at least one that can help you realize that it's not your fault the marriage ended and assist you with other ways to cope.

Best of luck.

yeliab · Sep 30th, 2009, 04:01 AM

Hey there Sphere99, I replied to your thread earlier and wanted to see how you were doing. Hope you're doing better!! Hang in there, OK?! It's hard now but just hang in there.... seriously, things WILL get better!!

Also, the woman that's with your husband now?? Forget about it... Seriously, your husband is just using her ... he has no emotional attachment to her like he does with you. I think leaving him jolted and scared the crap out of him... he didn't want to be alone so he went out there and picked a vulnerable/insecure woman that's using him just as much as he's using her. It's a sad dynamic but it is what it is.

Even though it hurts like heck right now - its really ALL for the Better for YOU and Your Son!! Hang in there!! We're all here for you!!

Big Hugs!!

petitechouchou · Sep 30th, 2009, 07:48 PM

Sphere99, please remind yourself why you left your husband. I know it is tough and you must stay strong for your son and you. You can't let your ex affect you and you have to move on and put this behind you. Good luck and you will get thru this!

Firefly32 · Sep 30th, 2009, 08:42 PM

Why wast your love on someone who obviosuly at some point stopped loving you! Just because he has a new girlfriend maybe and that really struck you and your still jealous. Would you want him if he had remained single. There is more to life than having a man! Just take time for yourself to heal and be a mother to your son. You will find someone who loves you again.

sphere99 · Sep 30th, 2009, 09:08 PM

I appreciate all the wonderful words. My brain cannot seem to accept the fact that he didn't want our marriage to work, I know it is logical and makes sense when nothing else does, but wow, I mean he said he did (just didn't act like it) but I believed him, I believed everything he said. I don't really know how to explain but the thought that he didn't love me all this time and I stayed for years trying and was miserable yet still loving him. And no, I don't think he has emotional attachment to this new GF, he is using her so he isn't alone. He is the type who cannot be alone.

All of this my brain understands, but for the first time in my life, my heart actually hurts, I can feel it hurt.

Sep 27th, 2009, 11:24 AM	#16
meluvs2shop LV overload Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 3,534	^^please do yourself a favor and find a new therapist. i'm not saying that your current therapist is awful but within a certain time frame you need to start lifting yourself out of your rut, and it seems as though this therapist has you stuck... still. although you need to do your part as well, that's key. sometimes divorce is like mourning the death of a loved one-it takes time. you're mourning the person/relationship you once knew. men are interesting creatures and sometimes not all that complex. when they want/love you they will show you, no holds barred. right now your husband is enjoying his new found freedom with this woman. and right now he may feel pity for you, but that doesn't mean he wants you back, yet. with that being said, you two may never get back, but you do need to make an effort and move on. join a club or two, a gym, an organization, do volunteer work by yourself and also find one you can do with your son. it's important that your son sees the beauty you possess on the inside, even though it's a bit dark in there now. Good luck with everything and remember, one day at a time. but make an effort to look pretty even when you feel ugly inside. take care of YOU.
meluvs2shop LV overload Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 3,534	__________________ "Gone too soon..."

Sep 28th, 2009, 12:14 AM	#19
DiorDeVille Member Joined: Apr 2006 Location: U.S. Posts: 613	OP, it sounds like you didn't really want a divorce and that hasn't changed - am I reading your post right? And does your husband know this? Or does he honestly still think that you want a divorce? Playing chicken with a relationship by pretending to leave/breakup/get a divorce doesn't seem to workout very often. I've never been married, so I can't speak from any experience. But I think most guys take us at our word - if you say you want a break up or a divorce, he's going to assume that's exactly what you want, and he's going to start thinking of himself as single and working through the pain. I've also watched guys I know get a "space-filler" girl during/ following a divorce because they feel bad and alone and it helps them feel better. They still feel a lot for their wife/ex-wife (usually a lot of anger in there though). Is there some way that you could sit your husband down and say you've changed your mind and want him, that you hope you could both work on your marriage for your child's sake and also because you still care for him, etc.? If he says no, then obviously move on, but also stay open in case he thinks about it and extricates himself from this current relationship. If you never wanted a divorce, then a temporary suspension of pride would be well worth it either way: either (a) he comes back, quickly or eventually, or (b) you really did do everything you could to make it work and it didn't, which should help you get closure and move forward. Also...would you want him back if he didn't have a new girlfriend...? Obviously, if you DID want a divorce, none of this applies. And I don't know why your marriage was struggling, so - there are some scenarios where divorce really does seem like the best answer. Either way, I'm so very sorry you're in this place and hope that things get much better and easier and happier for you very very soon.
	Last edited by DiorDeVille; Sep 28th, 2009 at 12:21 AM.

Sep 28th, 2009, 08:19 AM	#20
sphere99 OP Too Obsessed... Joined: Dec 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,952	DiorDeville - Oh yes, I have talked to him, asked him to go to therapy, wrote him heart felt letters, all since 3 weeks after we split, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend at the time. I moved and just realized I wasn't doing the right thing, that splitting was not going to fix things. I was being stupid. I was just so confused and depressed and didn't know what else to do and he refused any counseling and he was against me getting any medication for depression so I just sat around and cried. He wasn't mean or abusive or anything, just so so crabby and angry. Anything my son or I would say 90% of the time we would get a crabby one word reply. Just gave the house a bad feeling. I too did my share to not help things out, back a couple years ago I thought by flirting with other guys it might help him want me more, that didn't help AT ALL, and I think that did a lot more harm then I could have ever imagined. Then from there I just kept begging him to go to counseling with me, and he would promise to change and he would, for about a week, then the cycle would go on and on and on.
	__________________

Sep 28th, 2009, 04:34 PM	#22
MarieG ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	I am so incredibly sorry to hear that- I can only imagine what kind of pain you're going through! Heartbreak and the end of a dream (what you envisioned for your future together) is one of the hardest things to deal with. When I went through my major break up my mum said to me that she thinks it's actually easier to deal with a death than a broken heart. I am sending you loads of strength and loads of love! I am certain you will get through this- it's a long road but you will get there. Once you're there things will look up again, your heart will be open for love again and you will find someone who is better suited to you and will work hard for your love. Try to keep yourself super busy until then. That's my best advice for the long road you have ahead of you. Whenever there is something going on outside of the house when you're sitting there crying and suffering- do it! There is no better way to move on and speed up the recovery process. All the best to you- you will be fine soon and will be proud of yourself for not staying with a man who does not treat you with the respect you truly deserve!
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Sep 29th, 2009, 08:02 PM	#23
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	i am sorry about what happened....i agree with others, looking for a new shrink. i had three, and i like my current one. when you find someone that fits you, you'll get so much more out of it. we all learn from our past. GL!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Sep 27th, 2009, 05:36 PM	#18
alliemia love shopping!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: NY Posts: 3,280	i agree with finding a therpist that actually helps you. not one that you just give updates. that therapist doesn't sound like a good fit for you. i feel so sad for you. that you were willing to try to make your marriage work, and basically your husband just went out after 2 weeks and found a girlfriend? you miss him because you are lonely, not because he is a wonderful husband. you will find someone when you are ready. this shady woman that would want to be with a guy that is married and only 2 weeks seperated, she deserves him. i think once you move on you'll start to feel much better.

Sep 28th, 2009, 04:12 PM	#21
DiorDeVille Member Joined: Apr 2006 Location: U.S. Posts: 613	^I'm really sorry you've had to go through that - it sounds so painful. I really hope things get better soon. If he knows that you want him back then, as painful as it is, you've done all you can do. It sounds like you're aware of the parts of the split that are yours and are taking responsibility for them and learning from them, so that's good news for your future. And it sounds like he wasn't taking very good care of you emotionally, so for now, you're free to do that without his interference, which is a good thing, right? It does sound like he's made his choice, at least for now, and the best thing you could do would be to look out for yourself and your own health. Maybe keep - or make - things between him and you civil and kind and honest, just in case he changes his mind or his behavior. Since you have to stay in touch for your child's sake, its not like you're hanging on to someone that you'd otherwise drop completely. But outside of being civil and kind, I'd let him "drop" out of the way and move forward on your own. And whether things work out with him or you meet someone who makes you happier, you can see it as a chance to be upfront and honest about your needs, which will help a guy meet them without having to play any guessing games about what you're thinking. A family member of mine said a book helped her with a similar situation - I think its called "Love and Respect" and is on amazon. I can't remember the author, but will ask. Please take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up over where you are right now, and focus on learning and looking forward. Best of luck in the journey out of this.

Sep 29th, 2009, 08:12 PM	#24
gentbelgium Member Joined: Sep 2009 Location: belgium Posts: 11	xanax works wonders...and being nice to yourself works like a charm..spa, facial, hair,shopping...superficial i know but at least it'll take your mind of things.

Sep 30th, 2009, 04:01 AM	#27
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025	Hey there Sphere99, I replied to your thread earlier and wanted to see how you were doing. Hope you're doing better!! Hang in there, OK?! It's hard now but just hang in there.... seriously, things WILL get better!! Also, the woman that's with your husband now?? Forget about it... Seriously, your husband is just using her ... he has no emotional attachment to her like he does with you. I think leaving him jolted and scared the crap out of him... he didn't want to be alone so he went out there and picked a vulnerable/insecure woman that's using him just as much as he's using her. It's a sad dynamic but it is what it is. Even though it hurts like heck right now - its really ALL for the Better for YOU and Your Son!! Hang in there!! We're all here for you!! Big Hugs!!
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025

Sep 30th, 2009, 07:48 PM	#28
petitechouchou "H" is for Hamster Joined: Jun 2009 Location: sleeping in my skybox Posts: 1,258	Sphere99, please remind yourself why you left your husband. I know it is tough and you must stay strong for your son and you. You can't let your ex affect you and you have to move on and put this behind you. Good luck and you will get thru this!

Sep 30th, 2009, 08:42 PM	#29
Firefly32 Member Joined: Jul 2008 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,569	Why wast your love on someone who obviosuly at some point stopped loving you! Just because he has a new girlfriend maybe and that really struck you and your still jealous. Would you want him if he had remained single. There is more to life than having a man! Just take time for yourself to heal and be a mother to your son. You will find someone who loves you again.

Sep 30th, 2009, 09:08 PM	#30
sphere99 OP Too Obsessed... Joined: Dec 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,952	I appreciate all the wonderful words. My brain cannot seem to accept the fact that he didn't want our marriage to work, I know it is logical and makes sense when nothing else does, but wow, I mean he said he did (just didn't act like it) but I believed him, I believed everything he said. I don't really know how to explain but the thought that he didn't love me all this time and I stayed for years trying and was miserable yet still loving him. And no, I don't think he has emotional attachment to this new GF, he is using her so he isn't alone. He is the type who cannot be alone. All of this my brain understands, but for the first time in my life, my heart actually hurts, I can feel it hurt.
	__________________

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