Getting flack from family (again!!) b/c of my employer... anyone help?

[MissLianne]

*long*

Let me just start off by saying I'm 24 years old. I'm finishing a bachelor of commerce this year with a double major at a prestigious business school. I live with my parents who are both highly educated and actually are university professors. My parents don't pay for anything but my tuition. I was brought up in an upper middle class/somewhat exclusive neighbourhood. I was raised to WORK for what you want and strive for your goals. I have worked everyday since I was 15 yrs old (even though I didn't have to- I wanted independence). I pay all my own bills: school books, gas, car loan, insurance, cell phone bill, vacations, clothing and entertainment. I have no debt except for $2200 line of credit which was for a summer I chose to travel abroad to earn school credits.

I've worked from the age of 15- started out working in a store, then got into yrs of admin work, then worked for major airlines and hotel chains (all while attending school). I also must mention I've worked 2-3 jobs sometimes all at once (cause I wanted to!).

Last November I got a GREAT job opportunity (through networking from a previous job). I got the job bc I'm a business major on the verge of graduating. I hold a management position with great pay (a first for me- I've had my fair share of poorly paying jobs). My employer works around my school schedule (unheard of!)I'm finally seeing that my education is getting me SOMEWHERE.

One of the perks of my payscale is quarterly bonuses (depending on company's success). Like I said this is my first "real job"- so I've got to "splurge" on myself a bit more lately with you guessed it: bags, shoes, clothes, jewelery and vacations. I can admit I've gone a lil crazy but I basically just splurge with my bonuses cause I consider it "free" money. I'm trying to make an effort to save 30-50% of my paycheques and use my bonuses as "fun money".

Another thing, I got this job bc I knew the president/owner of the company through a previous employer (he was a client of ours). I report to him, and since we go wayy back he's asked me to do a lot of things for him "not part of my job description". And I mean: booking/planning vacations for his family (used to work in the travel industry), sending me to go pick up a gift for his wife (whom I adore and get along with really well), reporting to him on the performance of different departments while he is on a personal trips abroad. He trusts me (obv) while he's away to "take care" of things. I consider that a big thing for a 24 year old! He has often given me bonuses and gifts for doing these more "personal" things for him.

My close friends and dbf know all about this and are happy for me. I can be truthful and honest with them about my job and my salary (they all hold good jobs as well).

Yet my family is having a harder time with my new job. I've always been a "shopper" so that's not the concern. But on a few occasions my boss has brought me back jewelery (nothing too fancy- some Tiffany's silver I like), shoes (his wife picked out in europe...she should be on TPF bc she's a purse gal!) and a LV wallet, --- all purchased for me while he was on vacations as "thank you" gifts for taking care of things in the office bc he knows he can truly rely on me. My parents think I'm lying that I'm purchasing this stuff myself. We've gotten into huge arguements over it. They've even brainwashed my sister to grill me on the truth... But that IS the truth. They don't even know about my bonuses- that would cause a huge other stir so I do LIE about that (ie dbf bought it, got it on sale etc). I just don't see how this is any of their concern.

I just don't get what I'm missing here? What am I doing wrong?

I'm writing this bc my boss has been in Europe all summer. He calls me/emails me 25x a day and I'm always responding and following up on my tasks. He mentioned to me recently that he's so pleased to have a dedicated worker who's so reliable and trustworthy and insisted on sending me a "gift". I gave him my mailing address and a box came for me today! All wrapped up via DHL a Gucci Bag and a silk scarf with a note from his wife saying to let her know if I don't like it and thanking me for taking care of the frontier *sweet huh?*. My parents (who saw the postmark) asked WTH am I "ordering" from Italy (I NEVER shop online, btw). When I openend it and showed them my mother and I got into a screaming match (I ended up in tears) bc she didn't believe me that my boss is so generous! (P.S my boss is 50+ yrs old- worth $XX Million, owns a huge company and is married with 1 small child... I doubt a $800 Gucci bag is breaking his bank)

Please just fill in the blanks for me *confused*

[provocateur123]

I think you're parents are being unreasonable. You're 24 years old, it's none of their business anymore. Make it clear to them that they shouldn't know the details of your professional life. Frankly,I think its strange that you have been responsible for yourself all this time yet they think they can control you. They need to move on and realize you're an adult now.

[nataliam1976]

I think your parents are being overprotective and overreacting. The only explanation I see is that they think you have an affair with him and you didnt just earn the gifts with your work performance, because I dont understand how anyone could have a problem with their child having a great job and making a lot of money( and theya re not against shopping as such). If thats the case I think its quite disturbing that they dont trust you enough, especially as you have been a smart and reasonable daughter so far from what you describe.

It looks like maybe the time to move out has come. Have you considered it?

[domlee]

You'll never win by getting into a screaming match w/ your parents.

And the truth is, you may never win w/ them (about this).

You're an adult. You can choose how to spend your money. You can blow it all on a single roll of the dice in Las Vegas if you wanted to. And it is one of those things that they (as parents) have to learn.

[Nikkeipursefan]

If you're still living with your parents, they probably feel they have the right to question everything you bring home. My suggestion would be to leave the parental home if that's the case.

If you're already living separately, then you can have a lockable cabinet etc. where your parents couldn't access and keep anything of value in there.

I'd already get my credit card and bank statements etc. sent to either a PO box or to your school or place of work, if I were you. While I'm all for being communicative and open, when the situation clearly calls for working around other people instead of with them, you've gotta do what you have to do.

[Rhose]

The trouble with financial help from parents, or anyone really, is that there are usually strings attached. You're 24 years old, you live with them, and they paid for your education. You talk about how independent you are but to me that's hugely entangled! I can understand why they think it's their business to question you about these things, wrong as I think they are. Why on earth do you still live at home?

I'm the same age as you and left home nearly 8 years ago. We even have similar vocations (finished a Master of Commerce last year). I've supported myself financially since I first moved out, education and all. One of the best outcomes? The thought of my parents, now, making any kind of negative comment on what I spend my money on is absurd. It simply wouldn't happen. It's nice to have an adult relationship with my parents now.

Please think about moving out. Anyone who lives at home can always come up with a lot of "good" reasons to live at home but unless they're strong cultural ones, at 24 with a well paying job and friction with the parentals... FLY THAT COOP BABY!

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Rhose

The trouble with financial help from parents, or anyone really, is that there are usually strings attached. You're 24 years old, you live with them, and they paid for your education. You talk about how independent you are but to me that's hugely entangled! I can understand why they think it's their business to question you about these things, wrong as I think they are. Why on earth do you still live at home? I'm the same age as you and left home nearly 8 years ago. We even have similar vocations (finished a Master of Commerce last year). I've supported myself financially since I first moved out, education and all. One of the best outcomes? The thought of my parents, now, making any kind of negative comment on what I spend my money on is absurd. It simply wouldn't happen. It's nice to have an adult relationship with my parents now. Please think about moving out. Anyone who lives at home can always come up with a lot of "good" reasons to live at home but unless they're strong cultural ones, at 24 with a well paying job and friction with the parentals... FLY THAT COOP BABY!

ITA with all of it!!

[MissLianne]

^^^^^^^^Hey everybody! Thank you for the advice...

I agreed with someone saying that maybe she thinks I'm having an affair with him. I told her that and said if I wouldn't I hide it? ^ I also forgot to mention that I get along GREAT with his wife (whose very close in age to me 30yr old) and he's in his 50s. So we often talk about shopping etc (when she comes in which is often) and always offers to bring me back things etc. My parents just don't believe me!


There are many reasons I live at home:
1) My parents are 100% against renting... (No offence to anybody who rents). You "buy" or live at home. We're Italian, and basically everyone around me's parents/families have this thing with that.
2) I go to an expensive school in the city. The only thing that would make sense would be to move CLOSER to school (and the rent/housing costs for something around there would be $$$$).
3) I've ALWAYS worked yet I was "p/t"... I've always tried to pick up more hrs but I was only guaranteed 20hrs per week (not enough to live).
4) I'm Italian... IDK I know of only 3 ppl around my age who have moved out- you basically live at home until you get married. It's not as bad as you think (in my case) my parents are rarely home from May to September (they travel) and besides this whole fiasco they don't tell me what to do.
5) Dbf and I are going to get engaged when I finish school (April 2010)... I DO want to save $$ (since now I can whereas money was tighter before).

[nataliam1976]

Is there any reason that you might be aware of why your parents dont believe you?

[lilac0485]

Congratulations on doing so well with the company and your boss.

I can think of two reasons your Mom is so upset. 1. She thinks you are having an affair - married older man buying younger girl expensive gifts is a bit suspect on the surface. 2. She thinks you are becoming materialistic and wasting money.

I think it would be worthwhile to ask her exactly why she is uncomfortable with the situation.

[MissLianne]

^^
I guess they find it hard to believe that "nobody" is that generous. My Mom worked for the same (small) company for 12 yrs she once told me and never got more then a bottle of wine at Christmas.

And I'm also getting "stuff" I like- LV, Tiffany's, Gucci and shoes!

When I was a teenager (age 14 to 17y)I used to lie a lot bc my parents could not HEAR the truth. Yet, my parents would follow me, listen to my phone conversations, install devices on the computer to snoop and Mom used to read my journal (which lead me to stop writing it). I'm talking about stupid lies.... Ie "I'm going to Sally's house when I'm really going out with Bob".Yet since then I've never really had to lie bc I don't exactly have rules/im an adult. When I absouletly need to tell them something (which I know they won't like) I tell them details they WANT to know and leave out the ones thet don't. IDK easier I guess.

[Echoes]

If you can move out, do so. Don't fall into the old culture trap. Take one or two of those bonuses and make a down payment on a small house or condo. It doesn't have to be anything fancy.

[amymaria]

Yes, I agree. Don't fall into the culture trap. I too live at home and it's partly my choosing to though. I don't have issues with my parents at all. I maintain a very independent life outside of this and they respect whatever decisions I make. It's the norm in my culture too but if I had issues with my paretns I would rent a place on my own.

Also, I think I want to work for you boss lol

[plain jane doe]

You can make your own decisions about where you live regardless of your parents opinions or what everyone else is doing. Maybe your fun money would be better put toward rent since your boss and his wife already splurge on you anyway?

[lilac0485]

What if your parents met your boss and the wife? Would that help?