[TresChic35]

SORRY...THIS IS REALLY LONG! I JUST NEED TO RANT and I can't really talk about this with my friends (gossip spreads)...




Friends #1 & #2:

Lately I've had these 2 friends that make plans and promise to go to some events/dinners with me, but the plans always end up falling through, last minute, and not happening.

They always blame it on not having money! Why would they make plans in the first place if they knew that they didn't have the money for it? I talk to them on a daily basis, so I know that nothing has really changed since the day that we made plans to go out.

I've been offering to treat them to the dessert/movies, etc..., but they always decline the offer and end up not wanting to do anything at all. They complain about not having money for dinner/movies, but then they do go out to nightclubs and drink excessively (which I'm not a fan of...and is just as expensive as dinner/movies, if not more).

I'm their best friend and they're my best friends, but I just don't understand their money situation.

************************************************** ***

Friend #3:

My other friend always complains about gas money and how she doesn't have money. When we go on long car trips for shopping, I always give her $30 or $40 for gas money (just to be nice once in a while).

Lately, I've been asking her if she wants to drive 5-10 minutes away to get some lunch with me so that we can catch up on stuff. She immediately says that gas is too expensive for a 5 minute drive away, complains, and whines. Its as if she expects me to shill out on gas money for that freaking 5 min drive. What the heck? I just don't know what to do now. A 5-minute drive away does not use that much gas!

She always complains that she is tight on money, but they she tells me about going out every week to the city and dining in expensive restaurants. She then also brags about how she bought new designer accessories, etc... and how she treats her best friends to lunch. She has never treated me to lunch even though I've brought her lunch a few times.
She is a good friend and we have a lot of fun hanging out with each other, but sometimes I feel like I'm being taken for granted...

[Sternchen]

Why is it really any of your business?

Your friends are old enough to make decisions when it comes to their money and if friends 1 & 2 would rather go out and drink (who knows if they are even buying their own???) then that's their own decision. Why not try doing things together with them that don't have anything to do with money?

As for friend #3, why don't you drive? I'm assuming that you have a car too

[candace117]

^It's none of her business, but you have to admit it's slightly tacky to complain about money to her while also talking about all the other stuff you do that costs money, especially when the complaints involve things that will result in spending time with OP. I can see how she may feel the way she does even if it doesn't have to be a big deal.

[IntlSet]

Originally Posted by Sternchen

Why is it really any of your business?

Your friends are old enough to make decisions when it comes to their money and if friends 1 & 2 would rather go out and drink (who knows if they are even buying their own???) then that's their own decision. Why not try doing things together with them that don't have anything to do with money?

As for friend #3, why don't you drive? I'm assuming that you have a car too

I don't think the OP is being nosy or trying to "make it her business." I think she's just miffed as to why her friends break plans under the pretense of not having money to go out with her, when it's evident that they find plenty of other money to go out with (I assume) different people. It's probably not their financial circumstances that bother the OP, but rather, the fact that they're flaking on her under the guise of not having money. In my opinion, it's tacky.

As for the friend who never wants to drive, that would also irk me. Why should the OP always drive simply because this friend is too cheap to pay for gas, despite the fact that the OP is kind enough to kick in gas money when they go on longer trips?

Your post strikes me as odd because it almost sounds like you're blaming the OP, or putting the onus of sustaining these friendships entirely in her court. That seems to me rather unfair.

[TresChic35]

Originally Posted by Sternchen

Why is it really any of your business?

Your friends are old enough to make decisions when it comes to their money and if friends 1 & 2 would rather go out and drink (who knows if they are even buying their own???) then that's their own decision. Why not try doing things together with them that don't have anything to do with money?

As for friend #3, why don't you drive? I'm assuming that you have a car too

You're right; its not any of my business what they do with their money, but when they make plans with me and then cancel and whine about having money...it just bugs me a bit. I've gone out with them at night and they do buy their own drinks; it costs a lot (it is none of my business though).

We've tried to make plans that don't involve money, but then meeting up with each other involves driving, which in the end, does involve money. Everyone becomes very indecisive about the plans for the day and we end up not going anywhere at all, staying at home. Does that ever happen to you? It happens a lot with my close friends and its boring. I wish there was a solution...

I actually didn't have a car on campus with me while I was away at college, so unfortunately, I could not drive at that time. I tried to makeup for it by offering gas, but I know that it does not cost $40 to drive 30 minutes away.

[TresChic35]

Originally Posted by IntlSet

I don't think the OP is being nosy or trying to "make it her business." I think she's just miffed as to why her friends break plans under the pretense of not having money to go out with her, when it's evident that they find plenty of other money to go out with (I assume) different people. It's probably not their financial circumstances that bother the OP, but rather, the fact that they're flaking on her under the guise of not having money. In my opinion, it's tacky.

As for the friend who never wants to drive, that would also irk me. Why should the OP always drive simply because this friend is too cheap to pay for gas, despite the fact that the OP is kind enough to kick in gas money when they go on longer trips?

Your post strikes me as odd because it almost sounds like you're blaming the OP, or putting the onus of sustaining these friendships entirely in her court. That seems to me rather unfair.

Thank you! I'm glad that you can understand the situations that I am in.

[lolitakali]

Your friends are being smart in today's economy.

"Stingy", "Thrifty", even a "Miser" in today's economy is a more beautiful word than an un-desirable word.

Besides, every penny someone else spend makes them that much penny more "poorer" & every penny that someone can save, makes them that much penny "richer". And believe me, even the "Rich" can so easily spend themselves "poor" no matter how much money they have, and I have personally known a few friends in Ivy leagues schools that is "poor" today because they gambled & spend their money away (one of them was an investment firm's treasury officer)! They are from very wealthy families too.... just too "spoilt" to know how to "treasure" anything.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by Sternchen

Why is it really any of your business?

Your friends are old enough to make decisions when it comes to their money and if friends 1 & 2 would rather go out and drink (who knows if they are even buying their own???) then that's their own decision. Why not try doing things together with them that don't have anything to do with money?

As for friend #3, why don't you drive? I'm assuming that you have a car too

I agree!

How everyone choose to spend or save is their free-willed choice. No guns to the OP's head if she wants to still be with these friends. Definitely either start doing things without the need to spend, if OP is that generous... "treat" or OP can always start hanging out with other people who likes to spend the
way she does!

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by lolitakali

Your friends are being smart in today's economy.

"Stingy", "Thrifty", even a "Miser" in today's economy is a more beautiful word than an un-desirable word.

Besides, every penny someone else spend makes them that much penny more "poorer" & every penny that someone can save, makes them that much penny "richer". And believe me, even the "Rich" can so easily spend themselves "poor" no matter how much money they have, and I have personally known a few friends in Ivy leagues schools that is "poor" today because they gambled & spend their money away (one of them was an investment firm's treasury officer)! They are from very wealthy families too.... just too "spoilt" to know how to "treasure" anything.

The thing is they do not behave like this ALL the time, so its not about saving.

I dont know if you can call going out and spending money on drinks in a pub or "going out every week to the city and dining in expensive restaurants. She then also brags about how she bought new designer accessories, etc... and how she treats her best friends to lunch" a smart behaviour.

I dont think its about money itself, its more about friends using lack of money as an excuse to not spend time with her, when they clearly dont suffer of the aforementioned lack.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by lolitakali

I agree!

How everyone choose to spend or save is their free-willed choice. No guns to the OP's head if she wants to still be with these friends. Definitely either start doing things without the need to spend, if OP is that generous... "treat" or OP can always start hanging out with other people who likes to spend the
way she does!

but she does offer to treat them and they still refuse

To the OP - sounds like your best friends are not the best friends after all...to me its not about money itself, but about - lets face it - their lying to you and cancelling out on you. I agree with lolitakali here, time to start
hanging out with other people, who will not treat you like they do.

[ShimmaPuff]

This reminds me of another thread on here recently, started by a person who was having some similar issues with her friends.

Although in her case, there wasn't the focus on money, the basic problem of trying unsuccessfully to make plans with her friends sounds very similar, and it makes me wonder, especially since you say that you know their financial situation, and even more especially, since your offers to treat are declined, whether it is really a question of money.

So I am going to make the same suggestion that I did in that thread: It sounds like just the right moment for you to start getting to know other people, and making new friends that you will enjoy more, people who share your interests, and will enjoy doing things with you!

This doesn't mean that you kick the old ones to the curb, rather that you preserve the friendship in other ways, keeping in touch with emails, sending cards on special occasions like birthdays, even as it is your new friends with which you might tend to "do stuff with" more often.

None of this is intended to suggest that there is anything wrong with you, or that your "old" friends "don't like you anymore," just that as we move through various phases in our lives, our interests change, even we as people change, and the best way to maintain a cherished friendship is to accept those changes, including changes in how the friendship is expressed and manifested.

All that changing is something that will happen to you, too, and in all probability the day will come when you and at least some of those old friends will enjoy doing stuff together again, but it will probably be different stuff, and with different old friends at different times.

In the meantime, there are all kinds of interesting and fun people who will be delighted to be friends with you, they are just waiting for you to discover them!

[Lyanna Stark]

^ ShimmaPuff rocks, she said it more eloquently than I could ever put it. Move on to other friends. Good luck!

[guccimamma]

i have friends that claim they have tons of money, and have nothing but debt

i wish they would own up to their life and be aware of their spending

a different side of the coin

[illinirdhd]

Originally Posted by IntlSet

I don't think the OP is being nosy or trying to "make it her business." I think she's just miffed as to why her friends break plans under the pretense of not having money to go out with her, when it's evident that they find plenty of other money to go out with (I assume) different people. It's probably not their financial circumstances that bother the OP, but rather, the fact that they're flaking on her under the guise of not having money. In my opinion, it's tacky.

As for the friend who never wants to drive, that would also irk me. Why should the OP always drive simply because this friend is too cheap to pay for gas, despite the fact that the OP is kind enough to kick in gas money when they go on longer trips?

Your post strikes me as odd because it almost sounds like you're blaming the OP, or putting the onus of sustaining these friendships entirely in her court. That seems to me rather unfair.

I agree with you. I have a friend who cancels plans on me because of money, too. She doesn't want to drive across town because gas is too expensive. Is it my fault she drives a huge Lincoln (I drive an SUV, so gas isn't cheap for me either!)? When we make plans on her side of town (which is almost every time because she says she doesn't see well at night), she calls to say she doesn't have any money. Last time she did that, I didn't even offer to pay. I was getting tired of paying the whole bill to have dinner with her. So then a couple of weeks later, she called to say her checks had come in, and she was free for dinner. We planned an evening, met, had dinner and a nice chat. When the bill came, it was $45 (not incl. tip). I rarely carry much cash, so I pulled out my debit card, assuming that she would give me cash or that she would put it on her card too - we'd just ask the waitress to split it. She said "oh, I have cash, I'll just give it to you and you can use your card." Fine, no problem. When I stopped for gas on the way home, I pulled out my wallet and saw that she gave me $13! Seriously. $13 for her "half" of a $50+ dinner! So I haven't tried to call or email her since then.

Last week, I got a text message from her: since you got married, I guess you have no time for your friends anymore. I resisted the urge to send back a sarcastic remark.

Oh yeah, married life is definitely what interfered with that friendship. I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes friends aren't really friends at all.

[bagnshoofetish]

if "friends" kept blowing me off for whatever reason they kept coming up with, I would take that as a sign that maybe they really didn't want to hang out with me that bad. friends will crawl on their knees to see you if they really want to see you. that is not necessarily a reflection on you at all. it is more a reflection on them. it should not be that cumbersome to get together with people. hang out with the friends that make it easy and will even just meet you to do grocery shopping if thats the only way you can get together. My schedule and friends schedules get so busy that sometimes thats what we have to do in order to hang out - accompany each other on errands and such. Or just sit in the backyard or living room for a 30 minute chat.