Friends of Leah and J--update

[PurseAddict79]

Leah,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I don't know you, and have nothing to offer but condolences and words of support and care. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, to lose someone you loved so very much.

I hope you find peace...

[Leah411]

Just popping back in because I needed to add a special thank you to Boxermom. She did things behind the scenes that most of you have no idea about. She is an amazing human being.

Someone posted in this thread that they would recognize Boxermom on the street by her angel's wings...that is a beautiful and accurate way of expressing how wonderful she has been.

And I really am working on personal, individual thank yous to all of you who have been there for J and I. I find that grief - amongst other things - makes one a bit...disorganized.

[boxermom]

Leah, you are so very welcome. You deserve a long run of good luck, but life doesn't always work that way. I think we all wish we could do more, but most of this is simply going to take a lot of time.

Much love and hugs

[illinirdhd]

Leah, I cannot imagine the pain and loneliness in your heart. Sure, you'll be fine - what choice do you have? You endure and go through the motions to function in your life until you're able to do it without forcing yourself to breathe and to put one foot in front of the other. But knowing that you'll be fine surely isn't much comfort now. Just remember that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to grieve, and most of all, it's ok to reach out to those who love you, and to us, even though many of us barely know you. And when you're ready, it's also ok to live again, to laugh again, even to love again - J would want all of that for you.

It's also easy to for us to say that J is in a better place - except that given the choice, I'm sure he'd say the "better" place is here with you in his arms, even though he had to endure physical pain to be there. I guess the comfort you must take is just in knowing that he isn't suffering any longer, and that maybe you'll be together again someday, and that you'll always be together in your hearts. I don't know how to get over someone, how to get past the sadness and loneliness -- I suppose you just get used to living without the physical person, and keep him alive in your heart. I hope that you are able to find some comfort in your memories and in how much the two of you loved one another. Although we didn't know J, I think we all knew how special he was, how hard he fought, and how much he loved you.

I hope that your health news will be good -- you've certainly been through enough for the year, and in fact, probably for a lifetime.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs to you, and to Boxermom for being such a good friend.

[Bella]

^ Beautifully put illinirdhd.

Leah, I don't know what to say... you are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

[KristyDarling]

Originally Posted by Leah411

Hello ladies... I keep coming back to this thread...trying to post my thanks and my thoughts. I start crying and words fail me. Even though we were told some months back that J's heart had problems and could not be fixed, there was a part of both of us that believed that simply could NOT be possible. Even now, a few weeks after his death, there is a part of me that simply cannot believe he really is gone. I mean, how can that be? How can he dead? How is it possible that I will never see him again? Never talk to him again? Never touch him again? I honestly do not understand how my heart goes on beating after his has stopped. J wanted to live SO MUCH. When his kidneys failed, when he had his leg amputated, when he needed surgery on his other leg this year...any medical hiccup he had, brought him fear that he would die. When he regaind conciousness after the amputation last year, he looked over at me and asked "I'm alive?" and started weeping with joy at being alive. So when the day came that a doctor told him he had something that could not be fixed...it was almost more than J could bear. He never gave up. He continued to speak of and plan for the future. He continued his PT so that he could be back walking on his prosthesis again. We went to the mall one day to get out of the house, have some lunch and people watch. J decided he wanted to use a gift card leftover from our wedding to pick out a set of china that could be "our" china. Both being just over 50 years old, we had brought a mish-mash of household goods to our married life. J wanted something new, something that was "ours". He wanted to use that china for many years to come. J had plans for our anniversary to return to the motel where we'd spent our two-day honeymoon. He died two days before our (first) anniversary. J had plans to do special things together for dates beyond the doctor's prognosis. Every time he would ask me "Are we going to do X this year?", I would say "Absolutely!" You see, I feel that as long as there is life, there is hope. As long as J still lived, hope lived. Heartbreakingly, the doctor's prognosis proved to be all too accurate. J fought hard. The doctor told us there is a certain percentage of patients who continue to live, even when the medical data says they shouldn't. We thought J would be one of those, simply because he wanted so very badly to keep living. But J's heart just couldn't keep beating. They tell me he's in a better place now. That he is suffering no more. It doesn't stop the heartache and the loneliness. J always meant to thank each one of you ladies personally for all of your prayers and good wishes. I can never explain to you all how very much it meant to J, just knowing that people gave a damn about him. He loved each and every card that was sent to him. He cried EVERY TIME he read one. J struggled with his self-esteem at times, so for him...to know that people thought he was worth taking the time for...moved him to tears. And he delighted in the goodie boxes that were sent. The docs wanted J to EAT..so a few of you lovely ladies helped to keep his snack drawer full. Some of his snacks are still in there...I burst into tears the other day when I inadvertently opened that particular drawer. And I have wept with the gifts of food that a few of you have sent since he passed, for every single item causes me to think "J would have loved this!". J kind of lived vicariously through me as far as tPF goes. He saw nothing strange about my participation here. When I was on the forum, he would always ask me what was new on the forum. Any time we were in a store that had purses, J would always do more than just indulge my obsession...he would actively participate in my "petting the purses" (actual purchasing being beyond our budget) and offer insightful opinions on the various bags. He even knew the brands. And in his last year of life, J even found the perfect "man-purse" for himself and LOVED carrying it. Please know that all of you who posted, prayed, sent cards....you all touched J's heart (and mine) deeply. The last few months were horrifically painful in ways that you can never imagine. But every time someone reached out, it eased the pain a bit. I still don't know how I will go on without my beloved J. Everyone tells me I will be "fine". They even say life will be good again one day. Right now, I really don't think I believe them. It just hurts so much. I miss him so much. Everything seems so hard. Just before I came on the forum, I was trying to figure out how to get some pictures of J -of the first time he walked on his prosthesis - transferred from the computer and made "real". I couldn't figure it out and I wept uncontrollably. This morning I wept after I left the neurologist's office. Two days before J died, I was told I might have MS. J was never told. I'm still going through the screening process..hating my neurologist, but it feels too hard to figure out how to get switched to the good one...crying during the spinal tap last week because J wasn't there to hold my hand. How do I do this - any of this - without him? I wept again in the grocery store tonight. I can't get my mind to figure out what groceries to buy or what to cook, because all I can think of is the fact that I don't have J to shop and cook for. Life has been really, really painful for the last few months...and still is...still will be for a long time to come, I suspect. But there were times when the pain was eased...even if just a bit...for the both of us...because of wonderful people like yourselves, who took the time to reach out. J and I both say thank you.

Leah, my darling dear. There are no words. Just hugs, more hugs, and still more hugs!!! I will continue saying prayers for your and J's families, and also for your own current health issues. (MS is a major presence in my family's life as well) On top of everything you've been through, I know this was the last thing you needed. Best of luck with your medical tests and PLEASE keep us posted on that.

I can't fathom how you are managing the day-to-day right now. But, you ARE doing it! That is such a testament to your strength and fortitude - even if you may not feel very strong right now. I am in no position to give you advice having not walked in your shoes, but I'm hoping that you're able to take things one day at a time. Live in the present as much as you can while honoring your past memories...and remember that you are so loved. Please know that we are thinking of you every day and rooting for you, sending loving and supportive vibes.

[love2shop_26]

Oh Leah, your post brought me tears. I wish I lived near you to hug you and give my shoulders to cry on.

I'll keep praying for you. Take care.

[kuriso]

i have a hard time trying to type this out..im just out of words but want you to know that im thinking of you and im praying. *hugs*