Formerly-wealthy wife left with only the few clothes + things she had with her.

[turboflgrl]

Originally Posted by simplygm819

I believe marriage should never be about money, in the sense that you're marrying a certain someone just because they have lots of it, but that's about it. When you're married, shouldn't you be able to share/combine everything? Otherwise what is the point of marriage? I just feel IMO if one is unable to do that, then the relationship/marriage lacks trust and without trust there is nothing.

I disagree with this wholeheartedly and have two personal examples I can give regarding it. For instance, my parent's (mother nad step-father) have been together for over 20 years and their finances are separate. My mother has her checking account, he has his, and then there is one joint one for bills that they both contribute to. I find it extremely smart and intend to do the same when I am married. To me, it's not about not trusting the other person. It's about being smart and responsible. By your sentiment, my parent's have a non-trusting relationship and shouldn't be together..lol And FYI, I can't think of two people more in love than them.

Another example is my boyfriend's parents. They have been together since the mid-70's. To my understanding, he pays for all of the "big ticket items" like the house, cars, etc. And her income is solely devoted to material things because he will not purchase things like high dollar bags, designer clothes, and other such luxury items.


IMO, if you start putting finances at the center of your relationship instead of the genuinely important aspects such as love, care, generosity, personality, humor, etc., than that is pretty sad. I'm glad that I am not in any relationship where someone wouldn't trust me over the fact that I won't combine my money with his.

[LeeMiller]

I think the problem with not having at least one joint account is that women still make less money then men on average and many women take off time or work part time to take care of children. Personally, I like having one joint and two separate accounts. My DH actually has said he doesn't feel the need for a separate account for himself, but he doesn't care if I have one. Its always good to have your own money ladies, but I think its important if you do decide to stay at home or make other concessions for the good of the family to have equal access.

[AngelBABY84]

Originally Posted by caxe

This is why women shouldn't depend on the men in their lives. Always have something for yourself, and a Plan A, Plan B, whatever. If I'd been her, I might have been depositing money into my bank accounts instead of buying purses, shoes, and material stuff, but that's just me. This is a heads up, though, because things like this happen to women all the time on a smaller scale, of course. Women end up single and have nothing, but they were comfortable during their marriage, like in a Tyler Perry movie or something. It's sad.

^^Great Post!!!!

[xoerinxo]

I hope they find him and give him what he deserves
but good for her for being so strong and getting herself on her feet again! alot of girls would not even do that. In the end (as nice as they are) things are just things, her safety was first, and everything else can be replaced. I'm confident things will work out for her

[one fifty]

I don't get the story either. So Sis goes from a pampered sheltered wife to somebody suddenly able to pull in $7k a month?

[juneping]

^^7K a month after tax is alot.

[cookiecthulhu]

this is a sad story.
my mom is going through money/marriage problems too, but on a smaller scale. my parents always lived paycheck to paycheck. my dad got laid off over a year ago and he hasen't gotten a new job and now hes not even trying. he just plays this video game called second life where he's a stripper and prostitue (he's plays a woman). he's lost all intrest in the real world, he only talks to his in game friends and "customers". my mom feels like he's mentally and emotionally left her but his body is still in the apartment.
the worst is she can't make enough money on her own to support the them and they're running out. they're going to have nothing in just a few months and he doesn't care. he's doing nothing to look for work. he's just checked out and left her to deal with their problems on her own.

[juneping]

Originally Posted by turboflgrl

I disagree with this wholeheartedly and have two personal examples I can give regarding it. For instance, my parent's (mother nad step-father) have been together for over 20 years and their finances are separate. My mother has her checking account, he has his, and then there is one joint one for bills that they both contribute to. I find it extremely smart and intend to do the same when I am married. To me, it's not about not trusting the other person. It's about being smart and responsible. By your sentiment, my parent's have a non-trusting relationship and shouldn't be together..lol And FYI, I can't think of two people more in love than them. Another example is my boyfriend's parents. They have been together since the mid-70's. To my understanding, he pays for all of the "big ticket items" like the house, cars, etc. And her income is solely devoted to material things because he will not purchase things like high dollar bags, designer clothes, and other such luxury items. IMO, if you start putting finances at the center of your relationship instead of the genuinely important aspects such as love, care, generosity, personality, humor, etc., than that is pretty sad. I'm glad that I am not in any relationship where someone wouldn't trust me over the fact that I won't combine my money with his.

i think i heard it somewhere that most marriage failed due to money issue. with the way your parents and your bf's parents are doing separate accounts which put the money out of the problem area. may be that's why the marriage work...??
my parents are not financially independent. and they've been together for 46-47 years.
i see both sides point of view.
with the separate accounts - it just make the couple don't touch the touchy issue which never create any conflicts about money.
i agree the women should put aside some money for herself just in case. but i would feel weird that if i have no clue what's in my husband's personal account.
my friend is getting married and she has no idea how much her future DH makes. personally i would not feel comfortable about that.
i just think money is such a touchy subject...if two don't feel the same then it's going to be a problem. regardless separate or combined accounts.

[kroquet]

Originally Posted by one fifty

I don't get the story either. So Sis goes from a pampered sheltered wife to somebody suddenly able to pull in $7k a month?

Ditto, I don't quite understand this whole thread.


Allisonfaye - you are not a leech!! Girl, you are raising your daughter. Best job in the world.


My Mom never worked while I was growing up. She took care of the home and my brother and I and was always there when we needed her. They made any financial decisions as a couple, but she does like her separate property, though. lol BTW - They will celebrate 65 years of marriage next month.

[ProfNot]

Originally Posted by diordeville

as a single person working full-time+, i can tell you that the spouses of the married people i know are working behind the scenes to help their husbands (or rarely, wives') careers. Usually, spouses are purchasing the clothing, buying groceries, handling social arrangements and responding to invitations, engaging in some networking for their spouses, etc. As someone who is doing it all on my own, it is tough to find enough hours in the day outside of work to get everything done. The guys i'm working with go home to healthy meals, new clothes every few months, ironed and pressed laundry, wrapped gifts for their evening events, etc. I'm up until the wee hours of the morning at least 2 nights a week trying to get these things done during my sparse time at home. All to say - the spouses play a huge, invisible part in their partners' success. They are hardly leaches.

ita.

[ProfNot]

I'm the OP. The story I posted is absolutely true.

I posted it to provoke thought and conversation.

I also thought it might be helpful to women dating men they meet over the internet instead through people who can vouch for the guy's background and trustworthiness.

My sis met her husband through the internet and he is wonderful. But if I ever get serious about a guy I meet this way, I would hire a PI to investigate him. It's not about trust. It's about me being naive about seeing the warning signs of men who turn Mr. Hyde like this woman's husband did.

Perhaps a PI would have turned up past work terminations under mysterious circumstances. Or that his identity only goes back three years. Something weird.

A friend of mine told me of a con man who married a woman my friend knows and then started draining her finances, threatening to harm her young son if she got in the way. She had to flee to a secret apt, ask her employer for an emergency leave of absence, and hire an attorney to freeze the assets. She lost tens of thousands of $.

I think we women need to consider what to do when big money is involved - on either side. Perhaps set up some set-aside funds/assets that cannot be touched without both signatures. In the event both cannot sign (in hospital, etc) the account could require one signature and that a relative of the non-available spouse signing as Power of Attorney for her/him. Or ???

Just some thinking and discussion.

[cocokitty]

I don't believe this at all. This woman is either very stupid or doesn't know any lawyers. There's no way she'd have to pay back money he stole. No way.

[domlee]

Hiring a PI will not save you if you think this will "prevent" a recent alleged crime (such as embezzlement or some other criminal activity).

You think Bernie Madoff has a history of violence or petty theft? While I don't know for sure, I'd say odds are, he doesn't. It was the power and money that corrupted him. And that "corruption" can occur both before a relationship or during the course of a relationship. *I'm not going to elaborate on the Bernie Madoff situation in this thread.

Usually when one individual (or both) has a lot to lose, there are items to consider such as prenups. But while the majority of prenups are uncontested, there are a handful that are contested (and won).

Personally, your first post in this thread should've asked what a spouse could do to "protect" themselves in the event of a catastrophe such as the Madoff situation or some other scenario where one person does something that can affect the other "innocent" person. I'm not the only person that asked what was the point to your "story" because your post wasn't clear/defined.

Ultimately, you do what you want. But hiring a PI will not prevent every scenario from occurring. Worse yet, what happens if your spouse finds out you hired a PI on him. Even if it was years ago. Perhaps he'll now think you've got a trust issue w/ him. Maybe he'll end the relationship because of it? Good luck.

[Dawn]

wow. best of luck to her. i can't imagine.

[devoted7]

OMG! This is soo sad. I hope they find him!