Formerly-wealthy wife left with only the few clothes + things she had with her.

[cafire]

Originally Posted by caxe

This is why women shouldn't depend on the men in their lives. Always have something for yourself, and a Plan A, Plan B, whatever. If I'd been her, I might have been depositing money into my bank accounts instead of buying purses, shoes, and material stuff, but that's just me. This is a heads up, though, because things like this happen to women all the time on a smaller scale, of course. Women end up single and have nothing, but they were comfortable during their marriage, like in a Tyler Perry movie or something. It's sad.

Depending on where she lived, had she put money into her own bank accounts, the money still would have been seized to pay the debts. I don't know where she lives, but if it is a community property state, any money earned during the marriage, even if from her own job, even if put into her own bank account, is considered common property...

[keodi]

Originally Posted by ProfNot

Truth! Mum told me this weekend about her friend's sister. I've met Mum's friend and she is a nice, honest woman. Let's call friend's sister Sis. Sis and husband had been married for years, were deeply in love, and very happy. Suddenly he wanted them to move (not travel) to a distant country right away but wouldn't tell her why he was so adamant about it. Sis's family is in North America so she wanted to stay. After a few days of fighting, he hit her. Hard. Sis left and stayed away until his zillion cell phone calls, texts, and messages stopped. She didn't answer her phone at all, fearing it was him calling from another number. Took around a week for the cell phone to go silent. She thought his temper had finally calmed down. When she went back home the police were waiting for her. She had no idea what was going on. He had embezzled millions from his company and had fled the country. Upon going inside the house, she discovered he was so angry with her he trashed their $million+ home including all furniture, walls, appliances, clothes - everything. Hang onto your heart - he even trashed her beloved her shoes and purses! He took all their money and expensive jewelry with him. And he drained their bank accounts. All she had left was her car, what she wore, and the few things she had with her. He had a well-paying big-company top-level job so she didn't work. Not only did she have no money, she didn't even have a job. The police froze the credit cards. The company wants her to pay back the embezzeled funds. Husband is still on the run abroad - probably hidden by family. My mom's friend is paying for a good attorney for Sis. Several months later later - Sis has started a tiny company and is now making $7K a month by working a million hours a week. So she will be OK. She doesn't know if she can keep the damaged house, thou. She's fighting for it. She may have to declare bankruptcy to keep it. (If you happen to know who this woman is, please don't post about it. Media has been driving her crazy and she is still grieving the loss of the love of her life.) Best of good luck to this brave woman!

I hope everything works for sis!

[HauteMama]

Realistically, whether to combine finances or not or whether one partner is financially dependent on the other is a very personal decision. Many families decide to have one partner stay at home with the children (man or woman) while the other works. While this doesn't always work out, I think it is entirely too jaded to think that a person can never trust their partner. Having one partner not work outside the home, for whatever reasons, is a priority for some marriages.

As long as both partners fully understand the ramifications of their decisions, then they ought to do what they feel is right. The woman in this story would still have lost everything she owned even if she had been working, at least in my state. No matter what, she would have been left in a bad situation because of what her husband did.

[juneping]

it just occured to me may be not getting married is not that bad....

[Roo]

Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes.....

I immediately thought of Ruth Madoff when I read this... I guess what comes into my mind is that how could she "not know" what was going on? Also, men with nasty streaks like this one suddenly don't snap, in my experience. It's usually a pattern of behavior. Men like this are control freaks. I am not trying to blame this woman in a direct sense, so please don't read this the wrong way. However, some women make deals in their own heads about marriages like this and sometimes it's a gamble that does not pay off.

[juneping]

Originally Posted by Roo

Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes..... I immediately thought of Ruth Madoff when I read this... I guess what comes into my mind is that how could she "not know" what was going on? Also, men with nasty streaks like this one suddenly don't snap, in my experience. It's usually a pattern of behavior. Men like this are control freaks. I am not trying to blame this woman in a direct sense, so please don't read this the wrong way. However, some women make deals in their own heads about marriages like this and sometimes it's a gamble that does not pay off.

i have no sympathy for that woman. she was on the ride for all the perks..and now...2000 for a hair cut just speaks volumn to me.

[ShimmaPuff]

Originally Posted by redney

...Women who came of age post women's lib movement in the late 60s/70s quite possibly have a much stronger view to have their own bank accounts and "plan Bs"...

Also, older women with post-secondary education are less likely to earn as high a wage.

Today, the standard thing is for both men and women to go to college and take business courses, with the understanding that it will be followed by graduate school, and all with the goal of obtaining a specific high-wage job, but back in the day, with the exception of people who knew they wanted to be lawyers or doctors or something, it was not at all unusual for women especially to get an undergraduate degree with a major in something that actually interested them, and stop there.

The mere fact of a 4-year degree - any 4-year degree - was considered the Golden Ticket, a veritable guarantee of a discretionary income-level wage!

While we may all laugh at such a notion, every day there are newly-divorced middle-aged women who discover, to their dismay, that their "college degree" is only "suitable for framing."

[shanam]

There is an old adage: If you marry for money, you will surely earn it.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by caxe

This is why women shouldn't depend on the men in their lives. Always have something for yourself, and a Plan A, Plan B, whatever. If I'd been her, I might have been depositing money into my bank accounts instead of buying purses, shoes, and material stuff, but that's just me. This is a heads up, though, because things like this happen to women all the time on a smaller scale, of course. Women end up single and have nothing, but they were comfortable during their marriage, like in a Tyler Perry movie or something. It's sad.

Couldn't have said it better myself. And to add this is why women need to be careful with that "that will never happen to me attitude" I have seen some of the nicest, sweetest men turn to a$$holes practically over night.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by simplygm819

I believe marriage should never be about money, in the sense that you're marrying a certain someone just because they have lots of it, but that's about it. When you're married, shouldn't you be able to share/combine everything? Otherwise what is the point of marriage? I just feel IMO if one is unable to do that, then the relationship/marriage lacks trust and without trust there is nothing. However, I do understand that things DO happen in life so for some to put aside money of their own really isn't too unreasonable. In any case, it's very unfortunate the woman in this story had to go through so much but if she is doing everything in her power to make her life easier than even more props for her!!

Nothing wrong with sharing and combining things but each should also have their own account IMO.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by Roo

Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes..... I immediately thought of Ruth Madoff when I read this... I guess what comes into my mind is that how could she "not know" what was going on? Also, men with nasty streaks like this one suddenly don't snap, in my experience. It's usually a pattern of behavior. Men like this are control freaks. I am not trying to blame this woman in a direct sense, so please don't read this the wrong way. However, some women make deals in their own heads about marriages like this and sometimes it's a gamble that does not pay off.

agreed.

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

^^Marriage should never be about money. Emotional, spiritual security yes... but never financial.

IMO, should or shouldn't doesn't change the fact that quite often financial considerations are at the core of the decision to get married--whether it's paying one rent/mortgage vs two or something extreme like one person marrying just for the money of the other. It is what it is.

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by Roo

Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes..... I immediately thought of Ruth Madoff when I read this... I guess what comes into my mind is that how could she "not know" what was going on? Also, men with nasty streaks like this one suddenly don't snap, in my experience. It's usually a pattern of behavior. Men like this are control freaks. I am not trying to blame this woman in a direct sense, so please don't read this the wrong way. However, some women make deals in their own heads about marriages like this and sometimes it's a gamble that does not pay off.

ITA with this.

[ProfNot]

Originally Posted by Roo

I immediately thought of Ruth Madoff when I read this... I guess what comes into my mind is that how could she "not know" what was going on?

No flaming intended Roo but you would be shocked at how sheltered from the real world many of these rich women are.

Think Birdie in Mad Men or the women in Mona Lisa Smile (except Julia R of course).

There are women today who really are that naive and smart at the same time. I've met many of them through volunteer work and alumnae events.


There's a retired couple who live near me. (This is just one of their several houses.)

Wife and man both came from very modest backgrounds and married after college. Now they are rich. All because the man worked his way up the corporate ladder to the top position of a huge company. She stayed home to raise the children, freeing him to be as ambitious as he wished. And making his home a sanctuary of peace to come home to. (She's always telling me to relax even though I am rarely stressed. I think she says it out of habit.)

He is an extremely nice man but I would bet on him every time if someone opposed him on something important to him, like his volunteer project.

Each time I run into her, I am shocked at how naive she is about many, many things. Ex - Wanting to be helpful, she has offered me what she things are good suggestions but they are really completely nuts. (Meeting my well off clients in a run down coffee shop owned by someone she likes until my office/studio space got set up. She thought that was a good idea for me.)

It's obvious her husband protected her and his young children from the nasty, greedy people in his/our world.

She only has very nice people in her home. She only meets nice friends at the symphony, etc. She meets polite people at lovely fundraiser events.

Some of the now-adult children are in big business and doing well.

But the wife still looks at the world through rose-colored glasses as my great-grandmum would say.

She lives in a rose-colored bubble.

[print*model]

I've been married for almost 26 years and we've had joint accounts the entire duration of our marriage. There is no "his" or "hers" when it comes to money in our home. It's "ours". And it has never been an issue. Ever. Would you like to know why it's never been an issue? Because I would have never married a man who would have MADE it an issue. I'm not saying that it's wrong to have separate accounts if that is what works for you. I know couples that have separate finances and very happy marriages. I think people should do whatever works for them in that regard.

As for "Sis" - I agree with Roo.