[Pursegrrl]

OK, this is part of the really bizarre day I had today.

Let me start with a little background...please forgive me in advance if this is rambling.

If you follow some of my R&F posts very closely, you may recall I've mentioned a guy I was friends with and became friends with benefits a couple times, then back to just really good friends, then kinda dropped off the radar when I started dating my (now ex) BF.

I tried online dating in early '05 or so for the first time after a lot of hemming and hawing. M contacted me (not his first name's initial but it's convenient) and we had a really great phone chat (over an hour!) the first time we talked. We later met for coffee/dessert one night...we had a big thing in common...hockey! I play in an adult novice league and he actually had played as a teen, college...even 10 games in the NHL back in the day - wow!

But it never really took off. He was more of a buddy type, not BF type. Plus after our date he later wrote me and said how he didn't like having to pay for everything on the first date. What a cheapass! We only had coffee and dessert, no parking, no cabs, no movie or anything. Plus the place we met was his idea! Call me old fashioned but I expect the guy to pay on a first date. Keep in mind he is just a few years older than I (early/mid 40-something) and never been married, no kids, good job so it is not like he is struggling.

So after that I knew M REALLY wasn't BF material, but we had enough of a chummy-ness to us to where we would email and chat occasionally. I would even go to his place occasionally and we'd just cook pizza and have a glass of wine...no biggy...just watch movies. No sexual tension or anything. He'd also help me with some fixit projects around my townhouse...moving furniture so I could paint, replacing light fixtures, etc. Or we'd meet for skating sessions at a rink and practice hockey passing/shooting. Just buddy buddy stuff.

Through all of this he made it perfectly clear he wasn't into having a romantic relationship. I thought that was a little weird that he would have joined an online dating site if he wasn't, but he made it clear that he wasn't into a relationship so I honestly TRULY did not hang around hoping he would change his mind. I think I was just looking for some male companionship. I was sure he was probably dating other girls but it didn't phase me.

Later in 2005 I went through a horrific, traumatic legal event. M was there for me and really supported me through it all. And...one night we became friends with benefits. I guess I was feeling really vulnerable and I don't regret it but trust me this is NOT something I normally would consider acceptable in my standards!

Even after we crossed the line, I didn't feel like he should now be my BF or anything like that. I didn't get emotionally attached, which again is unusual for me with any guy I have slept with. It happened another time and we both agreed after that we shouldn't do that anymore at the risk of harming our friendship. And, we stuck with it.

Ready for more? OK, a good (female) friend of his has a cabin on the WA coast, about 10 miles from where my family has had a summer home for years! Another small world! He was at her place on the coast (about a 4 hour drive from Seattle) every other weekend or so, helping her with fixit projects, etc. I had never met her, but never felt any jealousy or anything. She invited the two of us to her beach house one weekend in that summer of '05 for the 3 of us to hang out and it was great! Very Three's Company, I suppose, LOL! She and I got along great and there was, honestly, NO sexual tension at all with M and me (nor with her and M).

Ready for a six degrees thing? Well she used to date a home builder/contractor on the coast who was the SAME guy contracted to do my Mom and Dad's beach house remodel! So, we had a really freakishly funny connection. That Threes Company weekend was at the same time my folks were at their summer house, so M and I had lunch with my folks and it was totally casual and cool. I know, everyone, this sounds TOTALLY bizarre but for me it was no biggy. I didn't have any qualms about staying at M's female friend's house, nor of my folks meeting M. M was fine meeting them as well. My Mom really liked him, too!

I know, everyone, it's weird. So, fast forward a few months and I meet someone online who DOES want a romantic relationship. I fell hard for him and him for me. I had no reason to hide this from M and no reason to hide my friendship with M to my new BF.

But...new (now ex) BF didn't like this so much. And, I admit I first lied when he asked me if M and I had ever slept together. What good could have come out of the answer? I feel bad for lying and later 'fessed up but it wasn't pretty. And, new BF wasn't too keen on me keeping in contact with M so I respected that and dropped off the radar with M. There just never was a clean break.

I feel badly that I weaseled out on my friendship with M without ever really saying "you know I'm dating someone now who really isnt' comfortable with this." Instead, it just died on the vine.

NOW...it's early 2008 and what do I get? An email from M! He said he was writing for two reasons: " 1. I wanted to apologize for being such a boob all those millions of months ago. I was going thru some weird sh*t and really had the strangest feelings for you and could never quite sort them out. So hope you can understand that." and the second reason was that he was getting back into hockey again and wanting my advice on how to get reconnected with the local league here. Ummm, keep in mind I do NOT understand what he was referring to in those quotes above.

I'm not sure I even want to respond to him or just let it be and be done with? I'm seeing someone else now (been just about 4 months so pretty new) and I have no qualms about sharing the past stuff with M with him but I haven't just yet. Maybe I don't need to?

If you've read this, far, you're a saint! I'm just curious as to your opinions about all this...whether I should rekindle an old friendship with M or just let it be. I don't think new BF would have an issue with it b/c he is of strong ego and very low drama unlike my now ex BF but I wouldn't respond back to M without discussing it with new BF first. I just don't want any secrets, KWIM?

Sorry, this is probably my longest and weirdest post yet. .

[Zophie]

I guess it can't hurt to talk to the guy.

[savvyblonde]

He is still interested in more than just "hockey advice". Just my two cents but seriously......so how do you feel about all of this? Sounds like he had quite an impact on your life.

[missmustard]

Well, I guess you could still talk to him and see which direction things might go this time around. No need to share every detail with your current SO; you say you've only been seeing him for 4 months so it's completely not necessary.

[madamefifi]

Wellllll.....I sorta question M's motives for contacting you out of the blue. I mean there must be other ways he could find out about reconnecting with the local hockey league, don't you think? And he did confess to "strange feelings" which to me sounds like he's dangling a lure to see if you'll bite. I don't mean in a bad way, I just mean in a testing-the-waters kind of way. Maybe he's hoping to rekindle more than a friendship?

And what would be your motivation for renewing contact with M? It sounds like y'all were company for eachother while you were both single, but you're not available anymore. I had a friend, A, with whom I had a nearly identical relationship as you did with M. However, once it was established that my now-DH and I were serious, I dropped the friendship even though I enjoyed it because it made my DH uncomfortable and because my life was evolving and A's wasn't---KWIM?

My gut reaction would be to just let it go. Also, your BF may be low-drama and secure and all that, but I would be willing to bet he wouldn't be too thrilled about you re-establishing contact with someone you once had the sexy time with. Men are just weird that way.

[razorbackbelle0]

I don't think there's any harm in being friends with M. It sounds to me like he missed your friendship, and he seems like a nice enough guy. And your SO of four months definitely shouldn't have a say in who you are/are not friends with. Besides, there's no saying for sure if your SO would have a problem with it. I'm still very close with an ex-boyfriend of mine and my guy has no issues with it at all. best of luck to you and do keep us updated!

[bagnshoofetish]

well if you feel you have a good thing going with the new bf my advice would be honesty, honesty, honesty with everyone involved. I would first tell the new bf about this guy. Tell him the truth about feeling weird that he has contacted you again. Ask him for advice about it, involve him in the process. What would he do?
Personally, then I would contact M and tell him how nice it is to hear from him and tell him about the new bf and how happy you both are. He will either be happy for you and cool about it and stay friends or he will fade away. Because you are involved with the new guy, and if he means that much to you, I would do everything in my power to assure him that you are into him and not old drama. Take care of the most precious things to you first, M is a by-product at this time. He had his chance. You snooze you lose...

[sinniebunnie]

Mini novel dear! lol anyways why the hell is he contacting you now? Did he realize you are a catch and wants a piece now?

I say.. friendly convos.. but i wouldnt take it any farther.. its the past, say hello and move on

[biggestbaglover]

I agree that you should be honest with your BF and tell him about M and the email. My first reaction to this is that it sounds like M has feelings for you and you may get a full disclosure of this. Maybe I'm wrong but it just seems strange that he would contact you with this type of message after such a long period of time.

[keya]

If you chose to reply to M's email, I'd wait a few days as a swift reply might give him the impression that there's still hope for him and his "weird feelings". If you take your time it'll show him that he isn't first priority, and maybe he'll get a hint just from that. I don't think you should feel obligated to tell your new bf about M just yet, not unless you do decide to restart your friendship with him. So I guess the real question is; do you want to become friends with him again? Do you need his friendship, and are you willing to deal with any feelings your bf might have with you being friends with someone you've had sex with? (just because he says he's cool with it doesn't necessarily mean that he is) If the two of you didn't end your friendship on a bad note, I'd simply reply to his email with the info on the local hockey league, and end the email with "I hope you're well." or something like that, not encouraging further correspondence. But on the other hand, if you miss his friendship, you should tell him so (making sure to make a point out of the fact that you're currently happily taken) and probably tell the boyfriend about him too.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by biggestbaglover

.... but it just seems strange that he would contact you with this type of message after such a long period of time.

this has happened to me. the gist of my e-mail back to the guy was, "sorry man, that ship has sailed!"

[keya]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

this has happened to me. the gist of my e-mail back to the guy was, "sorry man, that ship has sailed!"

is it just me, or is it a guy thing to try to re-connect with their exes when they're lonely?

[la miss]

Sounds like M is fishing to see if you are open to being more than just friends. I probably would contact him just out of curiosity but nothing more. You should be really open and honest about your current communications and past relationship with M with the guy you're dating now.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by keya

is it just me, or is it a guy thing to try to re-connect with their exes when they're lonely?

yeah, men were not designed to be alone. it seems when they've exhausted all their pursuits they come back to the familiar. everyone is just looking for a nice place to come home to afterall. nothing wrong with that. but they have to understand people move on and do not plan on waiting for them to come back around.

[keya]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

yeah, men were not designed to be alone. it seems when they've exhausted all their pursuits they come back to the familiar. everyone is just looking for a nice place to come home to afterall. nothing wrong with that. but they have to understand people move on and do not plan on waiting for them to come back around.

Most guys are also pretty territorial and don't like seeing "their" girl move on with someone else, even long after they've broken up, so I guess maybe some of them are testing the waters to see if they can still have the girl if they want, as an ego booster? I don't know, I just see this type of thing a lot when the girl has found someone else, it's like they don't really want the girl back, they just want to know they can have her, KWIM? (that had nothing to do with the OP's situation, btw, it was just a general observation)