Follow up to monitoring teens....story from this weekend

[twinkle.tink]

There was a thread and debate about monitoring teens. I had to come back and tell you about a recent experience this weekend and a thumbs up for monitoring.

I want to start this by saying son and his friends are all 'good' kids. Smart, honors and AP classes, good grades, no trouble, etc....but as I said in the other thread, even good kids make dumb decisions sometimes, that's why we're parents.

DS15 (almost 16) had a friend (R) spending the night Saturday, his parents were going out for the night. About 3:00 I drop them both off at mutual friends (M) house to play Rock Band. Around 6:00 I get the call, can we spend the night here? My alert goes up and I say no, we're responsible for your friend (R)...a few minutes goes by and R's dad calls, yeah it's ok with him if they stay at M's house, if it's ok with me...so I say ok. But something is nagging me, just that parent's 'feeling'. So, I go check the computer...sure enough, they have made plans to have friends over at R's house while the parents are away...

So, I get on the phone to DS and without letting him know that I know what's going on, I casually say, "let me talk to M's mom or dad"...the um's start coming...his mom's at school and his dad's at work..."well then you had better come home". About 25 minutes later they all come here. I figure probably 20 minutes to call and cancel the party and clean up what ever mess they have made and 5 minutes to walk home.

Later, we had about 10 kids in the garage, playing pool and ping pong, generally milling about...DS came in laughing and actually told me, "I told my friends, it would never work, my mom is way too smart...she'll figure it out in no time." There was no anger or animosity, it was actually a bit of pride and respect, I think.

Kids need and want rules...and having parents who care and catch them helps them stay good kids, without being 'uncool'...there is no better answer to peer pressure than, "Aw man, I can't...I want to...but my parents are smart and I will get caught for sure."

[jenniferelaine]

Good job, Twinkle.tink! I agree, most kids want rules & want boundaries & having a parent 'catch' them is often the 'out' the kids are looking for to keep them from doing something they may not be entirely sure they want to.

I think that as parents its always good to be on top of things-when your kids grow up, THEN you can be 'cool'. There is no need to try to be your kids friend when they are young. A mother or father is the best friend they can have at age.

[floridasun8]

Great job twinkle and thanks for the story. I was the OP of the other thread and as you know, am pro monitoring as well. Even though my dd is generally good, I totally agree with you about kids will still do dumb things. Luckily nothing happened with your son and you were able to intervene, however you never know what could have happened. There are stories in our newspaper here everyday about bad things happening to unsupervised kids. So, if monitoring my dd means keeping her safe, then thats what I'll do for as long as I can.

I also noticed there were a few questions about how you would let your kids know if you knew something in the other thread. I didnt even bother to respond because I didnt think it was necessary, but you also gave a good example. Kids dont have to know how we know what we know and there are ways to corral them in without them knowing we are monitoring online activities. So, great job with that as well! My mother used to always tell me that she had eyes in the back of her head when I was growing up I never understood either how she knew half of the things she did, but now as a parent, I still use that same line with my dd.

[kate83675]

My mother always said a little bird told her.....good job twinkle.tink

[Charles]

Honestly, when I hear that story, while it's a good thing he got caught, I don't think that's a big deal. And I know I'm more laid back than most parents, but this is one of those things where I say "kids will be kids". We used to plan parties when parents were away all the time, and we had a great time. Sure, we were breaking rules, but in the grand scheme, we didn't do anything too crazy.
I probably would have figured out that T was acting shady and went to pick him up if I truly felt he was going to hurt himself or someone else. I'm still on the "No need to monitor" side with this one.

[Aslan]

Great story.

I have no problems with monitoring my child's internet/phone activity. I just don't plan on keeping it a secret from him.

[olialm1]

I just don't like the fact that you're monitoring his online activities without telling him. My parents never did that to me and I was given plenty of freedom which gave me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Charles

Honestly, when I hear that story, while it's a good thing he got caught, I don't think that's a big deal. And I know I'm more laid back than most parents, but this is one of those things where I say "kids will be kids". We used to plan parties when parents were away all the time, and we had a great time. Sure, we were breaking rules, but in the grand scheme, we didn't do anything too crazy. I probably would have figured out that T was acting shady and went to pick him up if I truly felt he was going to hurt himself or someone else. I'm still on the "No need to monitor" side with this one.

Yes, I could have gone and picked him up...but I think this was a much better way for both of us. Even at my old age, I do know I would have been horrified if my mom showed up and took me away from a party. This allowed them to shut down the party and clean up...it didn't seem to ruin their spirits too much...as I mentioned, they still showed up here (and more came later). Now, they did it with at least semi-supervision, so no drinking and no uninvited guests. How many times do parties get out of control because the 'hosts' intends for 10-20 people and the word gets out and half the school shows up?

Charles, I hear you with kids will be kids...but now the rules are different. Here is CA parents can be legally held liable for underage drinking in their home, even if they are not present.

[Roo]

I want to share on this topic too....

A family in my local area has a 15 yo daughter that went missing a month ago. They believe she met someone on myspace- an adult man- and is staying with him somewhere in the local area.

The parents had to hire an attorney to subpoena myspace to get their daughter's password info and are still waiting to find out if myspace will release that info. myspace has refused to release it thus far (even after being contacted by law enforcement) even though the daughter is missing and likely under the control of an adult pedophile.

Had the parents had a keylogger installed, none of this would be happening.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Roo

I want to share on this topic too.... A family in my local area has a 15 yo daughter that went missing a month ago. They believe she met someone on myspace- an adult man- and is staying with him somewhere in the local area. The parents had to hire an attorney to subpoena myspace to get their daughter's password info and are still waiting to find out if myspace will release that info. myspace has refused to release it thus far (even after being contacted by law enforcement) even though the daughter is missing and likely under the control of an adult pedophile. Had the parents had a keylogger installed, none of this would be happening.

Augh, how frustrating and horrible.

Another example of how times are different and require a different level of parenting. I am sure her parents thought she was a 'good' girl', trusted her and didn't want to invade her privacy.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by twinkle.tink

Another example of how times are different and require a different level of parenting. I am sure her parents thought she was a 'good' girl', trusted her and didn't want to invade her privacy.

The invasion of privacy and lack of trust, IMHO, comes not from monitoring your child's activity, but hiding it and tip-toeing around. You have to give honesty to get it, and deception is not a good foundation for building a healthy relationship.

[vhdos]

Originally Posted by olialm1

I just don't like the fact that you're monitoring his online activities without telling him. My parents never did that to me and I was given plenty of freedom which gave me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person.

Learning from your mistakes is one thing, but a parent is still a parent and is ultimately responsible for your health and safety. Do I believe in freedom for a teenager? Absolutely. Plenty of freedom? No way.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with monitoring on-line activity.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Aslan

The invasion of privacy and lack of trust, IMHO, comes not from monitoring your child's activity, but hiding it and tip-toeing around. You have to give honesty to get it, and deception is not a good foundation for building a healthy relationship.

It really is a catch 22, let's face it if you tell them, they will just find another way, use a friends computer, etc. I do hear you, but respectfully disagree...if you tell them, you might as well not monitor, because you're going to be in the same boat.

I can tell you before I had teens, I would have said, "I would never!" but now I realize it is scary out there and you need to protect your kids, by any and all means.

[Charles]

But see, that's the thing, stats show that abductions haven't increased with the influx of new technology. Kids were still abducted in the 80's it was just through different means. The media has really thrown a spotlight on crimes like this and it gets sensationalized to the point to where parents get a bit too riled up over it.

Bottom line, you really are just going to have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids. No one is always going to agree with how you or I parent.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by olialm1

I just don't like the fact that you're monitoring his online activities without telling him. My parents never did that to me and I was given plenty of freedom which gave me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person.

I agree that you need to let kids learn from their mistakes to some extent...but some mistakes have much higher consequences now.

Of course, as far online...we didn't have that, so no online predators...where your mistake could equal death.

As far as parties, most kids had them or went to them. If you were caught you got a warning and turned over to your parents. Now in CA if your under 21 and are caught with .01, yes .01 alcohol level you can't get your license until 21. Also, as I mentioned before they have successful charged and convicted parents for underage drinking, even when the parents were not home. 2 cases in our area at graduation time last year got huge attention, because the legal convictions led to civil cases and 1 family lost their home.

Puts 'learning from your mistakes' in a whole new light.