Follow up to monitoring teens....story from this weekend

[LadyLouboutin08]

I can see how the use of a keylogger can be helpful, and I respect the decisions of the parents who choose to use one, but I'm glad my parents never felt the need to do anything like that. I had enough common sense to know that what you see is not always what you get when talking to people on the internet. I would never even thought about going to meet someone I met on the internet that I didn't even know. The idea just seems ridiculously stupid, and it shocks me that other teenagers don't understand or think about the risks. I asked my mother how she felt about the use of a keylogger, and she said she felt it was unnecessary for me. She said she trusted me to make the right decisions, and unless I gave her a reason not to trust me, she would never stop trusting me. She also mentioned that she respected my privacy. I think this has benefited my relationship with my parents. We have very open communication, and I can go to her about almost anything. Sure there are things she doesn't know, but I don't think anyone tells their parents anything. Had I found out my mother was monitoring me, I probably would have shut down, and I doubt we would be as close as we are today...

ETA- Not sure it matters, but I'm 19.

[Amaryllix]

Originally Posted by eff

Another "when I was a teenager" perspective... my parents did this to me. My whole life I knew I never had privacy while they thought they were being sneaky about it. They would go through my things(diaries, notes, etc.) when I wasn't home, even though I gave them every reason to trust me. I never said anything but it really hurt. It was like they wanted to find me getting into trouble. Eventually, they monitored my activities online, which I didn't become aware of until they confronted me with the "evidence." They freaked out over what amounted to normal teenage behavior, but I understand that as a parent, you might go nuts if you see your kid doing/saying things you are not ready for. In any case, that monitoring and their confronting me has created trust/privacy issues that are still affecting me in all my relationships. The things they thought were harming me had no lasting effect on me at all, but the harm they did to our relationship and to my ability to trust will probably always be there in some way. For parents, please consider the lasting effects your lack of trust and invasion of privacy(because that is what it is) will have on your children if you are discovered vs. the effects of you not discovering whatever insignificant thing you might discover. We all have stories from high school that we'd rather not tell our parents, no reason why kids today shouldn't have the same.

I completely agree. I've had a lot of the same experiences. My parents, especially my mother, had this habit of always watching over my shoulder and sometimes going through my stuff. I frankly don't trust them to this day. I was a good kid, and felt that a lot of it was an unnecessary violation of privacy.
I can also understand the parenting side of it and trying to protect your kids, but there's a fine line between what's enough and what's way more than enough.

[natalie78]

DH let his son know that he can and will check up on him at any time. He rarely ever does, but should his son start doing things to make him untrustworthy, DH has let him know that any expectation of privacy is completely out the window. There was only one occasion where we had a feeling that something was going on and DH was only able to confirm it by going through some letters his son had left on his bed. Invasion of privacy? I don't think so considering it concerned his son's welfare and safety.

My parents also had no reservations about letting me know that I could not expect complete privacy when I was a teenager. As far as I know, they never went through my things, but they very well could have. I was never angry about it, but I knew that I had to walk to line. I never resented them for it and we have always been close. Then again, I am not one to hold on to childhood issues.

[Roo]

IMO, there is a difference between parents who violate privacy because they are nosy/control freaks, and those who monitor their kids' activities in the interest of safety.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by natalie78

Then again, I am not one to hold on to childhood issues.

Issues of trust are the most long-lasting ones. I love my mother, but as an adult, I still cannot trust her to tell me the truth, and she always thinks I'm lying as well. It's very sad.

[merika]

Originally Posted by Roo

IMO, there is a difference between parents who violate privacy because they are nosy/control freaks, and those who monitor their kids' activities in the interest of safety.

I think most kids are smart enough to know the difference too. My son knows I don't violate his privacy, but that does not mean I never will...and he knows that too.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by twinkle.tink

To me this goes much more to the sense of entitlement that is rampant today..not just the youth but sadly beyond.

For the record, I do believe that for a child to have an expectation of privacy does reek of entitlement. I do believe that it is well within my right to be in my son's "business," as he is a minor child living in my house. He's aware of this and will continually be reminded of this fact.

[natalie78]

Originally Posted by Roo

IMO, there is a difference between parents who violate privacy because they are nosy/control freaks, and those who monitor their kids' activities in the interest of safety.

And we both know that it's different standard all together for step-parents.

[_soho]

Originally Posted by LadyLouboutin08

I'm glad my parents never felt the need to do anything like that.

Same here. If people would raise their children to be sensible and independent instead of "good" (on the surface) the whole monitoring rubbish probably wouldn't be necessary.

[Hessefan]

I haven't read the previous thread, so apologies if this has already been covered, but when does it end? I mean when do you decide it isn't necessary anymore? When they are 17, 19, 25? As long as they live in their parents' house? Nowadays some people live with their parents into their thirties, or go to college and then move back home. And if you say minor in your house, does it mean that at 18 the monitoring stops?

[canada's]

Originally Posted by LadyLouboutin08

I can see how the use of a keylogger can be helpful, and I respect the decisions of the parents who choose to use one, but I'm glad my parents never felt the need to do anything like that. I had enough common sense to know that what you see is not always what you get when talking to people on the internet. I would never even thought about going to meet someone I met on the internet that I didn't even know. The idea just seems ridiculously stupid, and it shocks me that other teenagers don't understand or think about the risks. I asked my mother how she felt about the use of a keylogger, and she said she felt it was unnecessary for me. She said she trusted me to make the right decisions, and unless I gave her a reason not to trust me, she would never stop trusting me. She also mentioned that she respected my privacy. I think this has benefited my relationship with my parents. We have very open communication, and I can go to her about almost anything. Sure there are things she doesn't know, but I don't think anyone tells their parents anything. Had I found out my mother was monitoring me, I probably would have shut down, and I doubt we would be as close as we are today... ETA- Not sure it matters, but I'm 19.

i agree.

i think having a keylogger comes in useful IF something goes wrong. that does not mean you read (or even skim) IMs, emails, texts, etc. it IS the equivalent of listening in on a phone conversation in order to catch your kid doing something wrong. you're essentially holding your breath for the kid to screw up, which is silly if the kid hasn't given you a reason to think they'd make poor choices.

is your kid going to be offered beer? yes. are they going to be offered pot? yes. are things going to get hot and heavy so they lead to sexual activity? yes. it's your job as a parent to create a self-sufficient human being who knows what to do when confronted with these things. monitoring them creates an environment where you're constantly swooping in to save the day, so the kid turns 18, arrives at college and goes ape because mommy isn't there to intervene when things get a little shady.

bottomline - expect more and they'll rise to the occasion, if you start this tactic early on. expect them to f-up and be ready to go in and clean up the mess, and they'll never learn.

[basicandorganic]

FYI everyone: as a teen myself - I don't think parents in general are going to read through every word and every conversation their children have with their friends. I don't think parents are gonna confront them if they are planning on having a party, or kissing a boy, or smoking some pot... It's normal teenage behavior and I think what a good parent would have to do is talk to their kids BEFORE they reach their teen years about these "normal" teen issues. I think online monitoring is more about WHO your kids are talking to, and making sure they are safe. Because if your teen is tech savvy, it can be very dangerous and unnecessary.

[CuTe_ClAsSy]

From a teen's perspective...
I'm fifteen and I have a very different relationship with my mother than my father. For the record my parents are married and we all live in the same house, just in case it sounded like they were divorced. My mother is a much more liberal parent. She doesn't read my texts or emails, she doesn't check up on me when I am with my friends as long as she knows the general group of people I'm with, and she never glanced at my facebook for over a year until she got one and I friended her. My father on the other hand -- if I am texting in the car, he asks me who I'm texting and what I'm saying, he asks me seventy questions about who I'm going to be with when I go out and what I'm doing, even after I tell him five times who I'm going with it's always the same thing "Who else is going? Nobody else is going? Are you meeting more people somewhere else?", if he knew I posted on the purse forum, I'm sure he'd come in here and read this post I'm writing write now, along with every other, word for word. If I come home from school tired, he thinks I've been doing drugs. It's like he's always looking for me to be doing something wrong, when he has no reason to.
This being said, I tell my mother everything, and tell my father nothing. My father trying to monitor and censor everything I do in life has lead me to not want him to know anything about my life. While my mother giving me more freedom to make my own choices and act on my own thoughts, has bonded us closer together.
I think monitoring everything your kids do doesn't give them a chance to grow as a person. I firmly believe in learning from your mistakes. Of course you should talk to your kid, and be involved in their life, but sneaking around reading their emails I don't think is the way to go about it. We teenagers aren't stupid, we may do some stupid things from time to time, but we're not stupid. Teenagers should know where to draw the line, and as a parent I think you should trust that you've taught your kids right, and as they grow up they need to make their own choices and know that you can't come in and save them from every mistake they make in life, hopefully with what you have taught them through the years in mind.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Roo

IMO, there is a difference between parents who violate privacy because they are nosy/control freaks, and those who monitor their kids' activities in the interest of safety.

Originally Posted by merika

I think most kids are smart enough to know the difference too. My son knows I don't violate his privacy, but that does not mean I never will...and he knows that too.

I think that's a good point and perhaps why my DS21 doesn't feel like we violated his privacy, back in the days when he was in HS.

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by _soho

Same here. If people would raise their children to be sensible and independent instead of "good" (on the surface) the whole monitoring rubbish probably wouldn't be necessary.

As mentioned, the problem is that even really good kids make really bad decisions.

Of course ongoing dialogue is first and foremost....

We, are very open parents and when DS21 was still in school, I was still working and my 2 assistants, would often over hear snippets of conversation and between us and be amazed, "you son told you about that?"...DS15 is the same, so communication is not an issue.

Also, I think people are misunderstanding the level of monitoring...for me personally, I do only do it when my parent tingly sense is going off...we're talking probably 3 times the whole time my DS21 was in HS and this was the first time for my DS15...and this was the first time I actually acted on what I learned. As, I stated, I did it in a very casual way. Perhaps some think it is OK for he and his friend (whom I was also responsible for, since he parents were out of town for the night) to throw a party...but I certainly did not.

One simple, less than 3 minute check...and a phone call, may have averted something serious happening to a number of kids, some of who do drive and someone's home. To me, that can be nothing but a good thing.