Welcome to The Purse Forum.

nordia5 · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:17 PM

I've really really let this relationship I have with my ex drag me through the mud.

Story... some of you may remember. well, me and the ex broke up like 3 months ago. well .. he broke up with me. since then, we've been together all the time, just like a couple. except without the title. that was our way of "working it out" ... i didn't agree with it, but I just stayed anyway. Everytime I bring up us getting together, he just tells me things about myself that we need to "change" first. The last thing was me being insecure. I'm thinking .. how is a girl supposed to not be insecure if she doesn't even have the boy? like he's not my man ... how can i be all secure when in all actuality, he can go and do whatever he wants and doesn't have to acknowledge me of anything. and I keep telling him this, and all he says is "well, it's the same thing i've been saying" .. Like i've sent text and text after text and call after call and voicemail after voicemail voicing how much I want this to work and that I'll stop being insecure once we are finally together because theres no way I can feel secure if we aren't. And the more I talk and the more I cry, the sadder I get and the more he seems not to care. I've never been through this before, and I'm so sad and lonely. Like if anything, I feel like i'm the good catch. I may nag sometimes, I may get mad sometimes, but I feel like the love I have for him outweighs any of the bad things I may do. And he's no angel either.

Lately I've lost so much weight, I'm so down on myself, I feel like everything is my fault, and now theres nothing I can do about it. I feel like we're so far gone that it will never be the same. I feel like he will never respect me like he once did, because I let him drag me on for so long. And as dumb as I may sound saying this ... i'd probably do it for much longer. I just don't know when my breaking point is. I don't understand why he doesn't want me anymore. I don't know if it's how i look, something I did, things I've said. To be truthful, I never thought he'd leave me. And now I don't trust anything he says and i'm extremely insecure about everything, because he is making me this way. I know that I may need to just say f this, and just move on with my life. But i tried, and I can't. It feels so bad to be stuck on someone that you feel doesn't love you anymore. Its like I don't need compliments or nice things said to me to make me happy ... but what woman, or man doesn't like that? I try to make him feel as good as i can everytime i'm with him .. unless i'm mad of course. He doesn't give me compliments, he doesnt do anything I like ... because he's saying i want him to "kiss my ass" .. and that's not the case at all. I just miss the old things he used to say and do. It's like we just crashed head on lately. All I want to do is call and text him, but he doesn't answer me. Prob due in part to the fact that he doesn't care. I just feel like my life is in shambles and it's so hard to deal with this. and the one person i loved, doesn't seem to love or care about me anymore.
oh, and we were together for 2 and a half years.

My life sucks.

PurseAddict79 · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:22 PM

Oh sweetie your life doesn't suck, your ex boyfriend does.

I say dump him and find a counselor to help you work on your insecurities and to help you get over him. The fact that he's saying there are things YOU need to work on, without taking any ownership or responsibility for problems in the relationship is insanely insensitive.

There's better out there. Time to focus on you!~

cafire · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:26 PM

The problem isn't that HE doesn't love you anymore.

The problem is that YOU don't love YOU anymore.

You need to love and respect yourself enough to not allow him or anyone else to treat you like this. Do you think he will respect you if he sees that you aren't respecting yourself? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't put up with being treated the way that he's treating you...and him seeing that you're willing to take it is NOT endearing you to him. It's probably reinforcing that he can walk on you like a doormat and you will put up with it. I know you think you are doing it because you love him. But you aren't loving yourself.

I know this because in my last marriage, I WAS YOU. I let my ex disrespect me and act in ways I would NEVER have tolerated my friends acting. Never. And you know what...he didn't even appreciate how far I was willing to go to accomodate him. I finally realized that I had spent all my time trying to do what was best for HIM, and HE was doing what was best for him....and NO-ONE was doing what was best for ME. Wake up call.

I would stop this hanging out thing with him ASAP. Make a clean break and try to be okay by yourself. Forget what he's doing, what he wants, whatever. He needs to be vapor so that you can be whole by yourself. I'm pretty sure at that point you will see that not only don't you need him, you don't want him.

*hugs*

pinkinthecity · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:31 PM

OP, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find one who respects you. Personally, I would never allow some other person to dictate the way I feel about myself -- it gives that person too much power over me. I think it would be best for you to walk away from this and find better elsewhere.

shanam · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:35 PM

[QUOTE=cafire;11411640]The problem isn't that HE doesn't love you anymore.

The problem is that YOU don't love YOU anymore.

You need to love and respect yourself enough to not allow him or anyone else to treat you like this. Do you think he will respect you if he sees that you aren't respecting yourself? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't put up with being treated the way that he's treating you...and him seeing that you're willing to take it is NOT endearing you to him. It's probably reinforcing that he can walk on you like a doormat and you will put up with it. I know you think you are doing it because you love him. But you aren't loving yourself.

I know this because in my last marriage, I WAS YOU. I let my ex disrespect me and act in ways I would NEVER have tolerated my friends acting. Never. And you know what...he didn't even appreciate how far I was willing to go to accomodate him. I finally realized that I had spent all my time trying to do what was best for HIM, and HE was doing what was best for him....and NO-ONE was doing what was best for ME. Wake up call.

I would stop this hanging out thing with him ASAP. Make a clean break and try to be okay by yourself. Forget what he's doing, what he wants, whatever. He needs to be vapor so that you can be whole by yourself. I'm pretty sure at that point you will see that not only don't you need him, you don't want him.

nordia5 · Jun 19th, 2009, 07:35 PM

I agree about the power thing. But I already established that no matter what, i'm still going to be here for him. So I can only blame myself, and I don't know how to get that power back. Its just like how can this person that was supposed to be with me forever and who just last week spoke about "when we get married" "when we get an apartment" ... and now he's just willing to throw me away and ignore me. Like who did this person turn into. What have I done to make him hate me now. He's supposed to love and care about me, not do anything he wants. I just don't get it. And knowing that most likely I never will get it, really really bothers me.
And then when I ask him "what do you want, just tell me yes or no because the inbetween really hurts" .. he says "Idon't know" ... it's like does he realize how that feels to me? There should be no in between .. no matter what problems there are, you should know or not. Especially if it's been dragged on for 3 months. And all those things are valid reasons to believe he doesn't want me anymore. And he really doesn't tell me any different. It's like he says "idk" just to keep me here for longer. And stupid me ...

chinahopes · Jun 19th, 2009, 08:11 PM

It's tough. I suggest not being there for him 100%. He probably knows you'll always be there. Show him you won't be. Show him you're you and he's himself and if doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve, you don't need him.

gacats · Jun 19th, 2009, 08:33 PM

Honey, put a period at the end of this story, now.
You should not be hanging on, hoping he wants you.
I'm so sad for you.....

nordia5 · Jun 19th, 2009, 08:38 PM

I'm also having problems with social anxiety. It feels like even when I do go out and have fun .. i'm not really having fun. Like I am, but I can't let loose and totally have fun around people. I always think people are staring at me, thinking the worst, I like to be seen, I like to dress up and stuff, but I don't like to be heard and put on the spot. It's so annoyingg to be me right now.

I think a lot of this stems from the problems i'm having with him. I'm not blaming it on him exactly, but the situation has made me so insecure it's not even cool anymore. ^ Thank you for the hug smiley =\ You're right, I shouldnt be hanging on and everytime i think about myself, i feel pathetic. But it's proving to be so hard to let go. i'm waiting for him to tell me "no, move on" or "yes, i want you" and it's never going to happen. and if i move on before he says either one, i feel like i'm the one messing everything up. when in all actuality i gave it chance after chance after chance

cafire · Jun 19th, 2009, 09:27 PM

If you could find within yourself the courage to leave because YOU KNOW you deserve better, your self esteem would slowly come back. Yes, in moments of loneliness you might doubt whether you did the right thing by leaving, but the answer will always be YES, it was the right thing to do for yourself. The only way to get your esteem back, and the power back right now is to take the reins and drive.

You are waiting for an answer from him but he's not going to give you one. Why? He is having his cake and eating it too. He doesn't have to commit to you at all, and he doesn't have to be lonely until he finds someone he likes better. No wonder you are insecure! Look at the situation - of course you would be. Anyone would be.

The answer is simple. Walk away and reclaim yourself. I didn't say it was EASY...I only said it was simple. It will be painful in the short term, but SO MUCH better in the long term. Trust me - I speak from personal experience. Yes, it is going to hurt for awhile - but you will go through worse if you keep hanging on only to finally have him cut you free when he finds someone he'd rather be with. That would be an even WORSE self esteem hole to crawl out of...

Roo · Jun 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM

This relationship is abusive and it's hard for some women to walk away from situations like this because of the cycle of abuse. If he was hitting you, would you stay? He's causing you physical and emotional harm just the same...

shy*violet · Jun 19th, 2009, 10:07 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Oh sweetie your life doesn't suck, your ex boyfriend does.

I say dump him and find a counselor to help you work on your insecurities and to help you get over him. The fact that he's saying there are things YOU need to work on, without taking any ownership or responsibility for problems in the relationship is insanely insensitive.

There's better out there. Time to focus on you!~

AGREED 100%

OP, he's just not into you. He is stringing you along right now and you're letting him.

nordia5 · Jun 19th, 2009, 10:13 PM

such a screwed up situation i let myself get into. and you know, i know what i should/have to do, i know that some decisions i've made are bad, but i just do them anyway. idk what's wrong with me. idk why i'm letting someone do this to me. it's hard to hear that he's not into me .. because i'm still so much into him. its hard

juneping · Jun 19th, 2009, 10:54 PM

if you can't bring yourself to leave him, at least go and see a counselor and start from there.
baby steps...
good luck!!

mapletea · Jun 20th, 2009, 12:31 AM

Nordia5, you need to get stronger and leave this guy.
You deserve way better than this and you need to get help. If you can't do this alone, please share your problem with someone you trust like your Mom, sis or bestfriend and see a counsellor.

Do not waste your youth on this guy!! You don't need someone like him in your life. Hopefully a few years from now, you'll look back and be able to smile at all this.
Hugs.

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:17 PM	#1
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	Feels like the sky is falling on me. I've really really let this relationship I have with my ex drag me through the mud. Story... some of you may remember. well, me and the ex broke up like 3 months ago. well .. he broke up with me. since then, we've been together all the time, just like a couple. except without the title. that was our way of "working it out" ... i didn't agree with it, but I just stayed anyway. Everytime I bring up us getting together, he just tells me things about myself that we need to "change" first. The last thing was me being insecure. I'm thinking .. how is a girl supposed to not be insecure if she doesn't even have the boy? like he's not my man ... how can i be all secure when in all actuality, he can go and do whatever he wants and doesn't have to acknowledge me of anything. and I keep telling him this, and all he says is "well, it's the same thing i've been saying" .. Like i've sent text and text after text and call after call and voicemail after voicemail voicing how much I want this to work and that I'll stop being insecure once we are finally together because theres no way I can feel secure if we aren't. And the more I talk and the more I cry, the sadder I get and the more he seems not to care. I've never been through this before, and I'm so sad and lonely. Like if anything, I feel like i'm the good catch. I may nag sometimes, I may get mad sometimes, but I feel like the love I have for him outweighs any of the bad things I may do. And he's no angel either. Lately I've lost so much weight, I'm so down on myself, I feel like everything is my fault, and now theres nothing I can do about it. I feel like we're so far gone that it will never be the same. I feel like he will never respect me like he once did, because I let him drag me on for so long. And as dumb as I may sound saying this ... i'd probably do it for much longer. I just don't know when my breaking point is. I don't understand why he doesn't want me anymore. I don't know if it's how i look, something I did, things I've said. To be truthful, I never thought he'd leave me. And now I don't trust anything he says and i'm extremely insecure about everything, because he is making me this way. I know that I may need to just say f this, and just move on with my life. But i tried, and I can't. It feels so bad to be stuck on someone that you feel doesn't love you anymore. Its like I don't need compliments or nice things said to me to make me happy ... but what woman, or man doesn't like that? I try to make him feel as good as i can everytime i'm with him .. unless i'm mad of course. He doesn't give me compliments, he doesnt do anything I like ... because he's saying i want him to "kiss my ass" .. and that's not the case at all. I just miss the old things he used to say and do. It's like we just crashed head on lately. All I want to do is call and text him, but he doesn't answer me. Prob due in part to the fact that he doesn't care. I just feel like my life is in shambles and it's so hard to deal with this. and the one person i loved, doesn't seem to love or care about me anymore. oh, and we were together for 2 and a half years. My life sucks.
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	__________________ happiness proves daily how hard it is to attain. Last edited by nordia5; Jun 19th, 2009 at 07:25 PM.

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:26 PM	#3
cafire Member Joined: Dec 2006 Location: NorCal Posts: 1,011	The problem isn't that HE doesn't love you anymore. The problem is that YOU don't love YOU anymore. You need to love and respect yourself enough to not allow him or anyone else to treat you like this. Do you think he will respect you if he sees that you aren't respecting yourself? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't put up with being treated the way that he's treating you...and him seeing that you're willing to take it is NOT endearing you to him. It's probably reinforcing that he can walk on you like a doormat and you will put up with it. I know you think you are doing it because you love him. But you aren't loving yourself. I know this because in my last marriage, I WAS YOU. I let my ex disrespect me and act in ways I would NEVER have tolerated my friends acting. Never. And you know what...he didn't even appreciate how far I was willing to go to accomodate him. I finally realized that I had spent all my time trying to do what was best for HIM, and HE was doing what was best for him....and NO-ONE was doing what was best for ME. Wake up call. I would stop this hanging out thing with him ASAP. Make a clean break and try to be okay by yourself. Forget what he's doing, what he wants, whatever. He needs to be vapor so that you can be whole by yourself. I'm pretty sure at that point you will see that not only don't you need him, you don't want him. hugs
	__________________ Adversity does not build character. Adversity reveals character. - Sandy Dahl

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:31 PM	#4
pinkinthecity All That Glitters ♥ Joined: Dec 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 778	OP, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find one who respects you. Personally, I would never allow some other person to dictate the way I feel about myself -- it gives that person too much power over me. I think it would be best for you to walk away from this and find better elsewhere.
	__________________ "It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays." --Clare in The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:35 PM	#5
shanam 60 is the new 40 LOL Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Connecticut Posts: 1,540	[QUOTE=cafire;11411640]The problem isn't that HE doesn't love you anymore. The problem is that YOU don't love YOU anymore. You need to love and respect yourself enough to not allow him or anyone else to treat you like this. Do you think he will respect you if he sees that you aren't respecting yourself? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't put up with being treated the way that he's treating you...and him seeing that you're willing to take it is NOT endearing you to him. It's probably reinforcing that he can walk on you like a doormat and you will put up with it. I know you think you are doing it because you love him. But you aren't loving yourself. I know this because in my last marriage, I WAS YOU. I let my ex disrespect me and act in ways I would NEVER have tolerated my friends acting. Never. And you know what...he didn't even appreciate how far I was willing to go to accomodate him. I finally realized that I had spent all my time trying to do what was best for HIM, and HE was doing what was best for him....and NO-ONE was doing what was best for ME. Wake up call. I would stop this hanging out thing with him ASAP. Make a clean break and try to be okay by yourself. Forget what he's doing, what he wants, whatever. He needs to be vapor so that you can be whole by yourself. I'm pretty sure at that point you will see that not only don't you need him, you don't want him.
	__________________ MY VERY BEST GIRL SO VERY DEARLY LOVED. FOREVER MISSING YOU 09 jan 09

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:35 PM	#6
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	I agree about the power thing. But I already established that no matter what, i'm still going to be here for him. So I can only blame myself, and I don't know how to get that power back. Its just like how can this person that was supposed to be with me forever and who just last week spoke about "when we get married" "when we get an apartment" ... and now he's just willing to throw me away and ignore me. Like who did this person turn into. What have I done to make him hate me now. He's supposed to love and care about me, not do anything he wants. I just don't get it. And knowing that most likely I never will get it, really really bothers me. And then when I ask him "what do you want, just tell me yes or no because the inbetween really hurts" .. he says "Idon't know" ... it's like does he realize how that feels to me? There should be no in between .. no matter what problems there are, you should know or not. Especially if it's been dragged on for 3 months. And all those things are valid reasons to believe he doesn't want me anymore. And he really doesn't tell me any different. It's like he says "idk" just to keep me here for longer. And stupid me ...
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	__________________ happiness proves daily how hard it is to attain. Last edited by nordia5; Jun 19th, 2009 at 07:41 PM.

Jun 19th, 2009, 07:22 PM	#2
PurseAddict79 PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,183	Oh sweetie your life doesn't suck, your ex boyfriend does. I say dump him and find a counselor to help you work on your insecurities and to help you get over him. The fact that he's saying there are things YOU need to work on, without taking any ownership or responsibility for problems in the relationship is insanely insensitive. There's better out there. Time to focus on you!~

Jun 19th, 2009, 08:11 PM	#7
chinahopes Luckiest. Joined: Oct 2008 Location: the Beach, SC Posts: 930	It's tough. I suggest not being there for him 100%. He probably knows you'll always be there. Show him you won't be. Show him you're you and he's himself and if doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve, you don't need him.

Jun 19th, 2009, 08:33 PM	#8
gacats love me some bags! Joined: Oct 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 7,008	Honey, put a period at the end of this story, now. You should not be hanging on, hoping he wants you. I'm so sad for you.....
	__________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom 2010 Wishlist: 1 Chanel bag - still thinking LV Damier Neverfull I'm editing, folks!

Jun 19th, 2009, 08:38 PM	#9
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	I'm also having problems with social anxiety. It feels like even when I do go out and have fun .. i'm not really having fun. Like I am, but I can't let loose and totally have fun around people. I always think people are staring at me, thinking the worst, I like to be seen, I like to dress up and stuff, but I don't like to be heard and put on the spot. It's so annoyingg to be me right now. I think a lot of this stems from the problems i'm having with him. I'm not blaming it on him exactly, but the situation has made me so insecure it's not even cool anymore. ^ Thank you for the hug smiley =\ You're right, I shouldnt be hanging on and everytime i think about myself, i feel pathetic. But it's proving to be so hard to let go. i'm waiting for him to tell me "no, move on" or "yes, i want you" and it's never going to happen. and if i move on before he says either one, i feel like i'm the one messing everything up. when in all actuality i gave it chance after chance after chance
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	__________________ happiness proves daily how hard it is to attain.

Jun 19th, 2009, 09:27 PM	#10
cafire Member Joined: Dec 2006 Location: NorCal Posts: 1,011	If you could find within yourself the courage to leave because YOU KNOW you deserve better, your self esteem would slowly come back. Yes, in moments of loneliness you might doubt whether you did the right thing by leaving, but the answer will always be YES, it was the right thing to do for yourself. The only way to get your esteem back, and the power back right now is to take the reins and drive. You are waiting for an answer from him but he's not going to give you one. Why? He is having his cake and eating it too. He doesn't have to commit to you at all, and he doesn't have to be lonely until he finds someone he likes better. No wonder you are insecure! Look at the situation - of course you would be. Anyone would be. The answer is simple. Walk away and reclaim yourself. I didn't say it was EASY...I only said it was simple. It will be painful in the short term, but SO MUCH better in the long term. Trust me - I speak from personal experience. Yes, it is going to hurt for awhile - but you will go through worse if you keep hanging on only to finally have him cut you free when he finds someone he'd rather be with. That would be an even WORSE self esteem hole to crawl out of...
	__________________ Adversity does not build character. Adversity reveals character. - Sandy Dahl

Jun 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM	#11
Roo Mod Squad Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Rue Roo Posts: 12,629	This relationship is abusive and it's hard for some women to walk away from situations like this because of the cycle of abuse. If he was hitting you, would you stay? He's causing you physical and emotional harm just the same...
	__________________ I will be traveling until mid-November. If you need help contact amanda or swanky. Will answer all PMs when I return!

Jun 19th, 2009, 10:13 PM	#13
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	such a screwed up situation i let myself get into. and you know, i know what i should/have to do, i know that some decisions i've made are bad, but i just do them anyway. idk what's wrong with me. idk why i'm letting someone do this to me. it's hard to hear that he's not into me .. because i'm still so much into him. its hard
nordia5 OP <3 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,074	__________________ happiness proves daily how hard it is to attain.

Jun 19th, 2009, 10:54 PM	#14
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,032	if you can't bring yourself to leave him, at least go and see a counselor and start from there. baby steps... good luck!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Jun 20th, 2009, 12:31 AM	#15
mapletea Member Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 557	Nordia5, you need to get stronger and leave this guy. You deserve way better than this and you need to get help. If you can't do this alone, please share your problem with someone you trust like your Mom, sis or bestfriend and see a counsellor. Do not waste your youth on this guy!! You don't need someone like him in your life. Hopefully a few years from now, you'll look back and be able to smile at all this. Hugs.
mapletea Member Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 557

Welcome to The Purse Forum.

Our Purse Forum, or TPF, is the #1 online social network for everything designer handbag related. Join over 200,000 enthusiastic members in this friendly community and start engaging in the discussion today.