Feeling blue...advice welcomed

EmmaLee83 · Jun 15th, 2008, 10:31 PM

Hi everyone,

I have been feeling really sad this weekend and was hoping for some advice from tPF. Basically, I lost my best friend last weekend...the story would take too long to explain but in short her boyfriend of quite a long time came on to me and I told my friend who confronted her boyfriend about it. He admitted it, but used the excuse of being drunk and not knowing what he was doing and is basically begging for my friend to take him back. He threatened me and my boyfriend and I filed a police report against him. This is not the first time he has hit on me, but it is the first time I told my friend about it for the fear of jeopardizing our friendship. Even though he treats her like crap, she has gone back to him.

Needless to say, as long as she is still dating him, our friendship has been damaged severely. Her boyfriend and I both have no desire to ever see each other again and my friend does understand my position and point of view. I am the type of person who has really only had one or two good friends at a time and I feel very, very alone right now. My boyfriend, who is wonderful, told me to forget about this friend (as have my family members) and move on. I know I need to...my friend's boyfriend is VERY controlling and I'm sure will not even "let" her hang out with me anymore.

The problem is I really don't have any other girfriends to talk to. I have been very depressed and lonely feeling about the whole situation. I basically hang out with my boyfriend and that is it. Now I am becoming really insecure with our relationship (even though I have no reason to be) because I am so afraid if he breaks up with me or something I will really have nobody. I live by myself and that is making me feel even more isolated right now. I don't want to start leeching onto my boyfriend because I know that is not healthy but at the same time I am just feeling so alone.

I think I just need to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way at some point. And I am pretty quiet before I get to know someone well so meeting people has never been easy for me. And do I write-off this friend altogether like people have told me to? Thanks in advance for listening

VPT · Jun 15th, 2008, 10:33 PM

Go shopping or go for one of those luxurious massage spa treatments

Jill · Jun 15th, 2008, 10:49 PM

Friends come and go sometimes.......yes,It sucks...But when it turns into an UNHEALTHY friendship..its wise to let go.

I once lost a friend i loved like a sister,only to realize later that she just used me.
Sometimes letting go makes u realize they were never really GOOD friends too...KWIM?
We r all here to chat anytime if u need an ear!
HUGS!

bagnshoofetish · Jun 15th, 2008, 11:16 PM

its time for you to start working on the relationship you have with yourself. the best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love yourself and to love being with yourself. try to do interesting things by yourself, something maybe no one else wants to do. take time out for yourself and pamper yourself. the more comfortable and confident you are with yourself, the more attractive you will become to people. People gravitate towards fun, confident people. Never place your happiness in any one person as people have a tendency to disappoint you sooner or later- its just human. When you realize you do not need anyone to survive, you will relax more and not allow the comings and goings of friends and/or boyfriends to ruin your newfound peace and contentment. You will realize, others are the lucky ones to have YOU in their life.

boxermom · Jun 15th, 2008, 11:21 PM

It feels terrible right now. She has chosen to go along with what her bf wants and he really sounds like an awful person. Maybe she will come back to you as a friend, but even so it may never be like it was before. It's normal to feel sad over what happened but you absolutely did the right thing. In time you'll move on. Keep open to making some new friends.

I understand that it's hard for you--I'm quiet too and fairly serious. It's hard for me to make the first move in becoming acquainted, which may lead to friendship. Try to make the effort, as hard as it is, and you'll be meeting some women who may become very good friends.

Best wishes to you. Remember, you did all the right things. Her bf is a loser, and she's setting herself up for heartache.

guancia · Jun 15th, 2008, 11:42 PM

^^ what Jill said! We are all here for you! Even if we're not physically there for you, we're here for you emotionally.

I know it probably hurts that you see a good friend that you love making a horrible mistake, and there's nothing you can do about it. You told her what her bf is all about, and she's going to find out, the hard way, what he's going to do to her life.

Hang in there. Go do some activities like swimming, gym, something to get out there. It will help you to become more independent, and you won't have to be so scared of always hanging out with your bf. Good luck sweetie!

daphodill84 · Jun 16th, 2008, 12:34 AM

Aww, I'm so sorry to hear your situation *hugs*

I was kind of in your situation... lost my closest friends and had just my boyfriend, and started getting clingy because I was scared I'd lose him. I was a pretty shy person too... but I found it's definitely not too hard to make friends if you can get over that initial fear of actualy going out and meeting people.

Try socializing networks like meetup.com (I met a lot of great girls through this!) or signing up for gym/yoga/dance classes, or maybe art classes or some sort of team sport (good thing it's summer and theres a million activities to sign up for!) If you're anything like me and you're scared that it'll go badly, just remember that you NEVER have to see those people again if you don't want to.

Anyways, best of luck to you! I wouldn't give up on the friend entirely... just let her have her space, and when she needs you, be there for her... thats all you really can do.

Lululovebags · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:06 AM

it's hard when you have to let go, but hanging onto something that will ruin you, is definitely a no-no. it't toxic and we all know it. it's going to eat you inside out if you keep feeling depressed about it.

what i would suggest is to stop wallowing in self-pity and go out! u don't have to take a huge leap, perhaps take up a new hobby (there must be something you are interested or keen to do and do just that!) and take it from there. even if you don't have new friends after that, you know you are doing something enjoyable and that will keep you at bay from thinking about your girlfriend and leeching onto your bf.

and yes, we are all here for you, so do cheer up ok..

gina8521 · Jun 16th, 2008, 04:30 AM

It is hard when you lose a friend. You are doing the right thing by staying away from her boyfriend though. Hopefully your friend will realize that YOU are her true friend & not the boyfriend. Even if that doesn't happen, take pride in yourself for being strong enough to do what is right.
You are not alone, remember that. I too find it hard to meet friends, I usually just have a few close ones. The best advice I can give it to put yourself out there to people who share your same interests, & try to open yourself to new friendships. If only it were that easy, I know.

gacats · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:36 PM

Some people don't make friends easily, I'm one of them.
You need to learn to like your time alone & cherish yourself.
Also, that friend of yours is in a really bad spot, she'll need you someday. Just keep yourself busy right now & learn to love yourself.
And remember, there is always somebody here to chat with.
(((hugs to you)))

lovinalotofbags · Jun 16th, 2008, 10:39 PM

I had a good friend whose BF pissed me off. That was not the end of our friendship. Screw him. I did not have to be around him or talk to him. She called me and apologized for him. I believe they broke up later.

Did your friend say that you are no longer friends b/c of this? If so, move on and begin to stand on your own two feet. If not, I see no reason not to continue being friends with her minus seeing her BF or speaking about him in conversation. She has made the decision to be with a man who is wrong for her. Right now, she is not ready to see him for what he truly is, an animal. A lot of women have friends who are in abusive relationships but are still friends. He hit on you, you told her, she is still with him. That is something she has to deal with. You said she understands how you feel and your point of view. Your decision.

candypants1100 · Jun 16th, 2008, 10:48 PM

i am really sorry to hear this... i have a friend who is in the same situation except her friend's FIANCE grabbed her and kissed her and slammed her up against the wall and threatened to basically rape her. she ran out of the house, told her friend, and the friend got angry at HER. basically, sometimes when bad things happen, you find out who your 'true' friends are. i'm really sorry. hugs. you will make new friends.

EmmaLee83 · Jun 19th, 2008, 10:30 PM

Thank you ladies so much for your kind replies. I have talked to this "friend", she called me to say hi, but it just isn't the same, definitely a sort of tension on the phone. My family and boyfriend have basically told me to write her off, but I just can't bring myself to do that. The friendship has definitely been severed though. I am trying to stay busy with working and working out, and wil be doing some volunteer work soon. Hopefully that allows me to meet some people.

I am so appreciative of all of you that responded--I think I really just needed to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way--I just felt really isolated for some reason, like I was just the only one who doesn't have many girlfriends (stupid of me, I know). I am feeling more optimistic and realize I need to start making more of an effort and stop expecting people to come to me. Thanks again

simpleplan · Jun 22nd, 2008, 09:47 AM

My friend's bf hit on me and when I told her, she asked if I did anything at all to "ask for it" or maybe it was becasue I was being nice to him..etc..that really hurt and angered me beyond belief!! She took his side, but then they broke up and we were friends again..it has never been the same though, and I don't miss her at all.

PetiteChaton · Jun 22nd, 2008, 09:55 AM

Your friend is very weak if she is accepting this sort of treatment from her boyfriend (Him telling her who she can and cant be friends with)...and you.. there is no reason why you cant be her friend if she is willing..you can see each other WITHOUT your boyfriends around.. girls nights.. go out for coffee or go shopping. There is probably ackwardness NOW.. but this ackwardness might pass in time.

As for making friends..Im not THE BEST to ask this haha..but getting involved really helps.. Im student and i work part time..recently i took up another part time job and i made a few good friends there :)

Jun 15th, 2008, 10:31 PM	#1
EmmaLee83 Member	Feeling blue...advice welcomed Hi everyone, I have been feeling really sad this weekend and was hoping for some advice from tPF. Basically, I lost my best friend last weekend...the story would take too long to explain but in short her boyfriend of quite a long time came on to me and I told my friend who confronted her boyfriend about it. He admitted it, but used the excuse of being drunk and not knowing what he was doing and is basically begging for my friend to take him back. He threatened me and my boyfriend and I filed a police report against him. This is not the first time he has hit on me, but it is the first time I told my friend about it for the fear of jeopardizing our friendship. Even though he treats her like crap, she has gone back to him. Needless to say, as long as she is still dating him, our friendship has been damaged severely. Her boyfriend and I both have no desire to ever see each other again and my friend does understand my position and point of view. I am the type of person who has really only had one or two good friends at a time and I feel very, very alone right now. My boyfriend, who is wonderful, told me to forget about this friend (as have my family members) and move on. I know I need to...my friend's boyfriend is VERY controlling and I'm sure will not even "let" her hang out with me anymore. The problem is I really don't have any other girfriends to talk to. I have been very depressed and lonely feeling about the whole situation. I basically hang out with my boyfriend and that is it. Now I am becoming really insecure with our relationship (even though I have no reason to be) because I am so afraid if he breaks up with me or something I will really have nobody. I live by myself and that is making me feel even more isolated right now. I don't want to start leeching onto my boyfriend because I know that is not healthy but at the same time I am just feeling so alone. I think I just need to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way at some point. And I am pretty quiet before I get to know someone well so meeting people has never been easy for me. And do I write-off this friend altogether like people have told me to? Thanks in advance for listening

Jun 15th, 2008, 10:33 PM	#2
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Go shopping or go for one of those luxurious massage spa treatments __________________

Jun 15th, 2008, 11:16 PM	#4
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	its time for you to start working on the relationship you have with yourself. the best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love yourself and to love being with yourself. try to do interesting things by yourself, something maybe no one else wants to do. take time out for yourself and pamper yourself. the more comfortable and confident you are with yourself, the more attractive you will become to people. People gravitate towards fun, confident people. Never place your happiness in any one person as people have a tendency to disappoint you sooner or later- its just human. When you realize you do not need anyone to survive, you will relax more and not allow the comings and goings of friends and/or boyfriends to ruin your newfound peace and contentment. You will realize, others are the lucky ones to have YOU in their life. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 15th, 2008, 11:42 PM	#6
guancia gimme more! Location: Ontario, Canada	^^ what Jill said! We are all here for you! Even if we're not physically there for you, we're here for you emotionally. I know it probably hurts that you see a good friend that you love making a horrible mistake, and there's nothing you can do about it. You told her what her bf is all about, and she's going to find out, the hard way, what he's going to do to her life. Hang in there. Go do some activities like swimming, gym, something to get out there. It will help you to become more independent, and you won't have to be so scared of always hanging out with your bf. Good luck sweetie! __________________ I gots loads of time to plan a wedding! Bring on the purses!

Jun 16th, 2008, 12:34 AM	#7
daphodill84 Member	Aww, I'm so sorry to hear your situation hugs I was kind of in your situation... lost my closest friends and had just my boyfriend, and started getting clingy because I was scared I'd lose him. I was a pretty shy person too... but I found it's definitely not too hard to make friends if you can get over that initial fear of actualy going out and meeting people. Try socializing networks like meetup.com (I met a lot of great girls through this!) or signing up for gym/yoga/dance classes, or maybe art classes or some sort of team sport (good thing it's summer and theres a million activities to sign up for!) If you're anything like me and you're scared that it'll go badly, just remember that you NEVER have to see those people again if you don't want to. Anyways, best of luck to you! I wouldn't give up on the friend entirely... just let her have her space, and when she needs you, be there for her... thats all you really can do. __________________ Wishlist: Grenat, Ink, Sapphire/Violet, Bubblegum, Sahara, Rouge Theatre, '05 White, Amethyst, Electric Blue, Turquoise. RM Rosegold/Whitewash Matinee, Violet Matinee, Tangerine Plan B Hobo, BBW MAM, Rosegold MAM, Ocean Steady, Black Elisha, Getaway Satchel. MAM in every colour! My Collection (Work in Progress): http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...ng-270617.html

Jun 15th, 2008, 10:49 PM	#3
Jill	Friends come and go sometimes.......yes,It sucks...But when it turns into an UNHEALTHY friendship..its wise to let go. I once lost a friend i loved like a sister,only to realize later that she just used me. Sometimes letting go makes u realize they were never really GOOD friends too...KWIM? We r all here to chat anytime if u need an ear! HUGS!

Jun 15th, 2008, 11:21 PM	#5
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	It feels terrible right now. She has chosen to go along with what her bf wants and he really sounds like an awful person. Maybe she will come back to you as a friend, but even so it may never be like it was before. It's normal to feel sad over what happened but you absolutely did the right thing. In time you'll move on. Keep open to making some new friends. I understand that it's hard for you--I'm quiet too and fairly serious. It's hard for me to make the first move in becoming acquainted, which may lead to friendship. Try to make the effort, as hard as it is, and you'll be meeting some women who may become very good friends. Best wishes to you. Remember, you did all the right things. Her bf is a loser, and she's setting herself up for heartache.

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:06 AM	#8
Lululovebags Member Location: Earth	it's hard when you have to let go, but hanging onto something that will ruin you, is definitely a no-no. it't toxic and we all know it. it's going to eat you inside out if you keep feeling depressed about it. what i would suggest is to stop wallowing in self-pity and go out! u don't have to take a huge leap, perhaps take up a new hobby (there must be something you are interested or keen to do and do just that!) and take it from there. even if you don't have new friends after that, you know you are doing something enjoyable and that will keep you at bay from thinking about your girlfriend and leeching onto your bf. and yes, we are all here for you, so do cheer up ok.. __________________ "keep your head up high. there are ppl that would kill to see you fall".

Jun 16th, 2008, 04:30 AM	#9
gina8521 Member Location: Las Vegas	It is hard when you lose a friend. You are doing the right thing by staying away from her boyfriend though. Hopefully your friend will realize that YOU are her true friend & not the boyfriend. Even if that doesn't happen, take pride in yourself for being strong enough to do what is right. You are not alone, remember that. I too find it hard to meet friends, I usually just have a few close ones. The best advice I can give it to put yourself out there to people who share your same interests, & try to open yourself to new friendships. If only it were that easy, I know.

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:36 PM	#10
gacats love me some bags! Location: Georgia	Some people don't make friends easily, I'm one of them. You need to learn to like your time alone & cherish yourself. Also, that friend of yours is in a really bad spot, she'll need you someday. Just keep yourself busy right now & learn to love yourself. And remember, there is always somebody here to chat with. (((hugs to you))) __________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom My 2009 wish list: Chanel Ultimate Soft medium handbag in black Louis Vuitton Panda pochette ( in the works) Something Goyard- yeah, that'll happen.....

Jun 16th, 2008, 10:39 PM	#11
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	I had a good friend whose BF pissed me off. That was not the end of our friendship. Screw him. I did not have to be around him or talk to him. She called me and apologized for him. I believe they broke up later. Did your friend say that you are no longer friends b/c of this? If so, move on and begin to stand on your own two feet. If not, I see no reason not to continue being friends with her minus seeing her BF or speaking about him in conversation. She has made the decision to be with a man who is wrong for her. Right now, she is not ready to see him for what he truly is, an animal. A lot of women have friends who are in abusive relationships but are still friends. He hit on you, you told her, she is still with him. That is something she has to deal with. You said she understands how you feel and your point of view. Your decision. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 16th, 2008, 10:48 PM	#12
candypants1100 Member Location: candyland	i am really sorry to hear this... i have a friend who is in the same situation except her friend's FIANCE grabbed her and kissed her and slammed her up against the wall and threatened to basically rape her. she ran out of the house, told her friend, and the friend got angry at HER. basically, sometimes when bad things happen, you find out who your 'true' friends are. i'm really sorry. hugs. you will make new friends.

Jun 19th, 2008, 10:30 PM	#13
EmmaLee83 Member	Thank you ladies so much for your kind replies. I have talked to this "friend", she called me to say hi, but it just isn't the same, definitely a sort of tension on the phone. My family and boyfriend have basically told me to write her off, but I just can't bring myself to do that. The friendship has definitely been severed though. I am trying to stay busy with working and working out, and wil be doing some volunteer work soon. Hopefully that allows me to meet some people. I am so appreciative of all of you that responded--I think I really just needed to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way--I just felt really isolated for some reason, like I was just the only one who doesn't have many girlfriends (stupid of me, I know). I am feeling more optimistic and realize I need to start making more of an effort and stop expecting people to come to me. Thanks again

Jun 22nd, 2008, 09:47 AM	#14
simpleplan unconventional witt	My friend's bf hit on me and when I told her, she asked if I did anything at all to "ask for it" or maybe it was becasue I was being nice to him..etc..that really hurt and angered me beyond belief!! She took his side, but then they broke up and we were friends again..it has never been the same though, and I don't miss her at all. __________________ iHeartMyLexus

Jun 22nd, 2008, 09:55 AM	#15
PetiteChaton Tres chic	Your friend is very weak if she is accepting this sort of treatment from her boyfriend (Him telling her who she can and cant be friends with)...and you.. there is no reason why you cant be her friend if she is willing..you can see each other WITHOUT your boyfriends around.. girls nights.. go out for coffee or go shopping. There is probably ackwardness NOW.. but this ackwardness might pass in time. As for making friends..Im not THE BEST to ask this haha..but getting involved really helps.. Im student and i work part time..recently i took up another part time job and i made a few good friends there :)