family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it!

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:08 AM

I won't go into all the specifics because it's not important, but a riff that we though was just between my husband's mother and my husband's aunt (sisters) is bigger than we thought. We thought it had to do only with a miscommunication between the two over some property bought and sold and while that is a HUGE part of it, it seems there is more. Somehow "I'm" part of it and so is DH!

The big riff happened 4 years ago when MIL went back home to Croatia. The last time we spent any time with his family before that was one year and even then we felt things were pretty strained and some words were exchanged, but it "seemed" everything was OK. (DH and his uncle got into it a bit because they had misinformed us about a lot of things and our vacation was a huge bust and a total waste of $8,000 of which we had to scrimp to save). Then the riff happened. Two years ago we went back to DH's home for a visit and DH wanted to see his aunt and uncle and cousin, but only his aunt visited with us and at a restaurant, not at their home and it was just strained.

It was all so sad to me. This family had been SOOOOO close. DH's aunt was like his second mom! And now because of a miscommunication, it seemed all relationships were ruined. To top it all off, JUST after we left 5 years ago DH's uncle discovered he had prostate cancer and he is now getting close to the end.

So, DH went back home by himself a few weeks ago to see if he could figure out WHY this all happened (instead of talking about it, his aunt and uncle basically just slammed the door to DH's mother) and to see his uncle before he died. When he was making arrangements NOTHING was mentioned about him NOT being able to see his uncle.

He gets there and his uncle doesn't want to see him or me ever again. He says that he can never forgive DH for things he said to him five years ago (and it was smoothed over/finished supposedly way back 5 years ago!!!) and that he never wanted to see me again either because I'm a disgusting woman! WHAT??!?!? DH asked for more info and it seems EVERYONE knew except for Dh and me! Supposedly I left a pair of dirty underwear on his table... and Dh's aunt corroborates this story! DH KNOWS ME and says this can't be true and what does it have to do with anything, but they stick to it. He was there for 10 days and didn't get to see his uncle and he'll probably die in the meantime.

When DH gets home, my MIL wanted to hear what happened and if things had gotten fixed a little. DH just mentioned that supposedly he had said something to upset his uncle and then it was my MIL who said, "and yes, he doesn't want to see M... because she left dirty underwear on his table." This was the first I had heard of this. I was APPALLED AND humiliated and felt my stomach drop!!! I NEVER put dirty ANYTHING on furniture and UNDERWEAR?!?!?!? and my MIL KNEW THIS STORY?????

First I was upset that this was said and I had no way to defend myself. Both MIL and DH said, "M... who knows, you could have been packing something and he might have seen a clean pile of clothes getting packed." But I KNOW this is all wrong!! Then I was thinking, "Why did MIL just tell me this? What GOOD can come of me KNOWING this ridiculous statement was said??? Was it just being mean? Does she believe it??? I know she thinks I'm the worst housekeeper ever (because she's a clean freak).

But then I was thinking today.... wait a minute. We weren't IN their home 5 years ago! (and this is what he is saying, it happened in his home on his TABLE!). Five years ago we stayed at his mom's place that she was trying to sell. Then we went to the seaside and had our own room, so we never WERE in their room....

That would mean it was the time BEFORE that we were in their house - 7 years ago that it's even POSSIBLE... so "if" this happened... why was it not a problem 5 years ago (and his uncle was quite cordial with me), why is it a reason he doesn't want to ever see me again and is bad mouthing me for the last 4 years???

And then I'm mad at myself for getting upset over this, but I wonder WHO all has he told this to? I know to DHs father since he visits with them daily... My MIL knew... so who else thinks I'm this disgusting woman?!!?!? I'll never see this uncle again as he's dying, but DH's aunt? How do I ever look her in the eye again since she corroborates this story?? And is there some part of MIL who thinks it's true too?

DH knows it's not true and thinks that they are remembering how they WANT to remember, but STILL!!! It's very upsetting to me!!!! I just don't know how "I" can move past that statement HONESTLY. I can 'pretend' it's OK, but I can never forget my character has been raked across the coals.... and then I think... wouldn't it have been better if I never knew. I don't think DH was going to tell me, so why did MIL? It seemed she almost relished telling me too! It's EVIL! I almost don't know who I'm more mad at, the uncle and aunt or my mil!!!

UGh....so how long do you think it will take me to put it behind me and to forgive? Could you? If you all only knew me. I'm like the do gooder, goodie two-shoes!!! Ugh!

fiatflux · Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:54 AM

Wow...well I think this rift goes way deeper than your underwear. They are just using it as an excuse to lash out at your MIL's side of the family. Who knows what really happened? Forgive them for your own peace of mind, but until they meet you halfway, there's not much you can do to mend this rift. As to how long it will take for you to get over it...hard to say...especially if it keeps coming up and you keep hearing about it, reopening the wound.

It's so sad how these kinds of feuds develop in families over petty matters. The same thing happened between my mom and uncle, due to disagreements about how to divide things up after my grandma died. After that, I never saw my uncle again (he died and I actually have no idea if my aunt is still alive or not...they lived in the UK and I am in the US).

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:57 AM

Not to reply to myself, but I just remembered something. LONG ago.... like the first time we stayed with them 9 years ago I "DID" put something on the dining room table that upset DHs uncle. I didn't think anything of it, DH didn't think anything of it and even my DH's aunt was trying to apologize for the uncle's anger. He never said anything to me, but the aunt removed the item and said we shouldn't put anything on the table because the uncle would think it's dirty...

I don't remember what it was, but it was not dirty underwear!!! It was so minor I don't remember, but it was like a book or perhaps a kids toy or sippy cup... I do recall 'something' now NINE YEARS AGO and we had seen them twice at their home since and she had come to visit us in our home after that too! Maybe I folded the clean laundry on the table??? My super neat freak MIL does that all the time and I've seen the aunt do this too, but I usually fold laundry on the bed or couch... I just wish I could figure it out!

Jahpson · Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:02 AM

dirty underwear or not, that is no reason to refuse to see someone when your dying. there is more to the story they are not telling you.

forgive me, but what awful people!

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiatflux

Wow...well I think this rift goes way deeper than your underwear. They are just using it as an excuse to lash out at your MIL's side of the family. Who knows what really happened? Forgive them for your own peace of mind, but until they meet you halfway, there's not much you can do to mend this rift. As to how long it will take for you to get over it...hard to say...especially if it keeps coming up and you keep hearing about it, reopening the wound.

It's so sad how these kinds of feuds develop in families over petty matters. The same thing happened between my mom and uncle, due to disagreements about how to divide things up after my grandma died. After that, I never saw my uncle again (he died and I actually have no idea if my aunt is still alive or not...they lived in the UK and I am in the US).

Well the riff is about this property, that we know, but it's just magnified by the dying uncles "memories". I know he's dying and probably depressed so I can't expect him to be reasonable and as his wife, the aunt is trying to be supportive, but it's still hard to be the "bigger" person in this when something so heinous was said about me. Can you IMAGINE???? I would bet my life that this didn't happen and DH would bet his, but that doesn't solve the problem... they (at least he) believes it and has spewed his mouth about it, ugh!

It's really sad. DH thinks that he can probably form "SOME" sort of relationship with his aunt and cousin again, but between the sisters... probably not and they are all that's left of the family too... so unnecessary.

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:50 AM

OMG, I now remember!!!! NINE years ago, when we went to visit we stayed with them for a few days and then went down to the seashore. We then came back up and stayed with them again for a day. I ONLY remember now because I recall one of the times we flew I had a TERRIBLE head cold and didn't know I should take something for the head congestion. I about DIED in the plane from the pain in my head and it was THAT time.

Now I remember...I had left (accidentally, of course) a tissue on the table or temporarily put it on the table for some reason while doing somethign else. I must have been sitting at the table for dinner and used a kleenex and was either tending to my toddler or something and forgot to pick it up. I'm NOT in the habit of leaving kleenexes around, but THIS could have happened.... and now I kind of remember this "incident". I remember being a little embarassed about "being called out" about a dirty tissue and felt bad that I had forgotten about it.

I can't even remember if I forgot it there or if it was just that I placed it on the table AT ALL that was the problem... Now that I think about it, DH and MIL throw their tissues on the floor when sitting somewhere and pick them up when they get up. I try to keep it tucked in my hand or get up right away to throw it out, but if I'm dealing with kids, I probably do set it on the desk/table while I'm dealing with other things.

Well... maybe people will feel that this is "as" disgusting, but at least I know WHAT happened now... If I could only count the number of times I've picked up dirty tissues around the house from my husband and son! LOL Oh well... now I have peace of mind now.

My guess is that the "remembered" this incident after the big "riff" happened. Since this "disgusting" incident was already 5 years in the past, the just conveniently remembered it as DIRTY UNDERWEAR instead of a dirty tissue... nice... Maybe I still am a disgusting woman, but in my mind far less so than one that leaves her dirty underwear around!

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:21 PM

Well, I must have grossed everyone out! Oops! Though I really have a hard time believing that people NEVER forget a tissue???

LissiSays · Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:36 PM

Regardless of whether or not it was a tissue or underwear... it's ridiculous! I can see how someone would find that to be gross but it isn't insulting. Definitely not a valid reason to dislike someone. That is absurd.

Speaking in general, I don't understand how families can let a little miscommunication, argument and/or disagreement pull a family apart. Family is supposed to be there no matter what. Families are supposed to be forgiving. Hell, you are supposed to get away with more with your family than with anyone else. (You shouldn't do stuff because of that but you get what I mean). Blood is supposed to be thicker than water. I seriously can't picture what I would have to do that would get my mother, aunt, uncle, etc to stop speaking to me. It's insane.

Is it possible to force a little family meeting? Force everyone to come together and clear EVERYTHING! That is the only thing I can suggest. Obviously time has not healed whatever wounds these family members have.

And I'm really sorry for your situation. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy.

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:53 PM

It really is sad. The riff happened because my MIL sold her apt. in Zagreb, Croatia. She bought the place after the fall of communism (people were able to buy for low prices if they had lived in them for a long time) and then she sold it. Now, this apt. was originally her parents = so the sisters mom and dad's place they rented from the gov't.. The older sister (MIL) never moved out, but lived at home with her Mom and that's where my husband grew up. The aunt moved out and in with her husband's family when she got married (space/property was TIGHT).

After the grandmother died, it was just MIL and DH in that place and there was even a time that MIL OFFERED the home to her sister because she was moving to the US temporarily (before communism fell and before she moved here permanently) and it would be a bigger home for her family (who had a smaller place all to themselves) but the sister said she couldn't live where both her parent's died.

MIL moved back to the apt. after that one year in the US and continues living in the apt. Fast forward a few years and communism fails, and my MIL has a chance to buy it. She buys it with her OWN money and ALLLLL those decades only she was paying for repairs and upgrades to the home. AFTER buying it, she moves to the US and tries to sell it - it took 4 years to sell it and during that time her sister never helped with upkeep of the home or anything.

Now, finally she had a chance to sell since she wants to stay in the US to be near her only son (my DH) and then her sister has a fit. her sister feels she should get about 1/3 of the profits of the house (though she never said so... only NOW four years later did DH get this out of her) because it was her parent's home and it should have been considered an inheritance, but yes MIL should get more since she took care of it...

Of course, this makes NO SENSE since their parents never OWNED it, they RENTED IT. MIL rented it (since her Mother didn't have the funds) from 1970 onward and it was with her money that she bought it. NOW that there was a sizable profit, the sister wants her cut. NO discussion was ever made, nothing. Only thing that happened was that when my MIL sold it, her sister said she could never forgive her and that she was selfish and never wanted to talk to her again... and that was it.... Four years of hung up phone calls, unreturned mail... putting my DH and his cousin at odds....

Then, because they were so mad at MIL, I think they invented reasons to be mad at everyone else in the family. We aren't the "reasons" but the effect is, we are BAD people...

And these are not old people. The aunt was 58 when it happened, MIL was 68. They are both PhDs and MDs (double doctors).... so I can't even say they're ignorant. I KNOW my MIL is no saint, she drives me CRAZY, but she's not the monger they've turned her into.

LissiSays · Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:00 PM

I can't believe they are fighting over money. If she didn't want the property back then it is her own fault. I agree, your MIL did not have to share that with her sister. Especially after all the time, money and effort she put into it on her own. It is ridiculous!

heartnaspade · Jan 3rd, 2008, 04:09 PM

I'm sorry but saying you don't want to see someone because they are a "dirty woman" who goes around leaving dirty underwear on tables is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. How insane are these people?

berryblondeboys · Jan 3rd, 2008, 04:16 PM

Ugh, and I'm hanging my head in shame for saying RIFF over and over instead of Rift! What the heck?!? LOL

It is ridiculous. I've probably spent a total of 5 weeks of my life with these people on various trips and I've always been friendly and such and when we were there, they seemed to LOVE it and BEGGED us to come back and visit again.

That's why DH and his uncle got into it 5 years ago a bit. Money was REALLy tight for us and coming to them was probably closer to $10,000, but they were BEGGING us to come visit because they missed us so much (they really loved our son too and have pictures of him ALLLLL over their apt.). Then we get there, and we are basically stranded - no car, no way to get into town and they would ditch us each day to go into town before we woke up (like leaving at 7 am to go into town to have coffee).
DH and uncle got into an argument about WHY did we come so far and spend so much money to stay in a place that is isolated and with no way to get into town. if we would have KNOWN we would have rented a car or stayed asked to stay somewhere else...and their response? "We thought it we told you the truth about the place and about why we didn't want to go too far from Zagreb, you wouldn't have come to visit us..." It was awful, but it got hashed out, we rented a car for a few days and we just agreed that from NOW ON they need to COMMUNICATE with us about why thigns are so that we can plan for it better instead of trying to dupe us....

And, for some reason, this conversation is the reason why Uncle never wants to see DH again either... OMG!

Speedy · Jan 3rd, 2008, 08:30 PM

Well, this reminds me you can pick your husband, but you can't pick your in laws. The fact that his family have distorted and blown a tissue on the table to such porportions only make me wonder what kind of relationship they have with their own friends.

You and your DH can try to convince the rest of the family that it was only a tissue, and you formally apologize for leaving it on the table. But then back that up with "Now, can this sillly feud stop?" Tell them that this feud is now upsetting your son, because he thinks they don't like his Mom.

I'm curious, are you from Croatia too? Because it sounds like you are from a totally different culture, and perhaps this is a total no-no in their world. Either way, it sounds like a lot of huffing and puffing to me.

And I didn't realize "riff" wasn't the proper spelling, so no worries there! ;-)

boxermom · Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:42 PM

^^^what Speedy said. Are we related, berry? This sounds like my in-laws. Feuds, grudges, talking about people (me) behind their backs, fighting over money, and not communicating about much of anything.

You can't control what other people say or do. I'm so sorry this has affected you both (and when you've obviously tried so hard to maintain ties). They are fairly crazy. I know it's awful, but it's not your fault or responsibility. Pray that you can let it go; let them stew in their own juices.

Laurie8504 · Jan 4th, 2008, 04:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiatflux

Wow...well I think this rift goes way deeper than your underwear.

I'm sorry if I'm being inappropriate, but this just cracked me up...

Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:08 AM	#1
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! I won't go into all the specifics because it's not important, but a riff that we though was just between my husband's mother and my husband's aunt (sisters) is bigger than we thought. We thought it had to do only with a miscommunication between the two over some property bought and sold and while that is a HUGE part of it, it seems there is more. Somehow "I'm" part of it and so is DH! The big riff happened 4 years ago when MIL went back home to Croatia. The last time we spent any time with his family before that was one year and even then we felt things were pretty strained and some words were exchanged, but it "seemed" everything was OK. (DH and his uncle got into it a bit because they had misinformed us about a lot of things and our vacation was a huge bust and a total waste of $8,000 of which we had to scrimp to save). Then the riff happened. Two years ago we went back to DH's home for a visit and DH wanted to see his aunt and uncle and cousin, but only his aunt visited with us and at a restaurant, not at their home and it was just strained. It was all so sad to me. This family had been SOOOOO close. DH's aunt was like his second mom! And now because of a miscommunication, it seemed all relationships were ruined. To top it all off, JUST after we left 5 years ago DH's uncle discovered he had prostate cancer and he is now getting close to the end. So, DH went back home by himself a few weeks ago to see if he could figure out WHY this all happened (instead of talking about it, his aunt and uncle basically just slammed the door to DH's mother) and to see his uncle before he died. When he was making arrangements NOTHING was mentioned about him NOT being able to see his uncle. He gets there and his uncle doesn't want to see him or me ever again. He says that he can never forgive DH for things he said to him five years ago (and it was smoothed over/finished supposedly way back 5 years ago!!!) and that he never wanted to see me again either because I'm a disgusting woman! WHAT??!?!? DH asked for more info and it seems EVERYONE knew except for Dh and me! Supposedly I left a pair of dirty underwear on his table... and Dh's aunt corroborates this story! DH KNOWS ME and says this can't be true and what does it have to do with anything, but they stick to it. He was there for 10 days and didn't get to see his uncle and he'll probably die in the meantime. When DH gets home, my MIL wanted to hear what happened and if things had gotten fixed a little. DH just mentioned that supposedly he had said something to upset his uncle and then it was my MIL who said, "and yes, he doesn't want to see M... because she left dirty underwear on his table." This was the first I had heard of this. I was APPALLED AND humiliated and felt my stomach drop!!! I NEVER put dirty ANYTHING on furniture and UNDERWEAR?!?!?!? and my MIL KNEW THIS STORY????? First I was upset that this was said and I had no way to defend myself. Both MIL and DH said, "M... who knows, you could have been packing something and he might have seen a clean pile of clothes getting packed." But I KNOW this is all wrong!! Then I was thinking, "Why did MIL just tell me this? What GOOD can come of me KNOWING this ridiculous statement was said??? Was it just being mean? Does she believe it??? I know she thinks I'm the worst housekeeper ever (because she's a clean freak). But then I was thinking today.... wait a minute. We weren't IN their home 5 years ago! (and this is what he is saying, it happened in his home on his TABLE!). Five years ago we stayed at his mom's place that she was trying to sell. Then we went to the seaside and had our own room, so we never WERE in their room.... That would mean it was the time BEFORE that we were in their house - 7 years ago that it's even POSSIBLE... so "if" this happened... why was it not a problem 5 years ago (and his uncle was quite cordial with me), why is it a reason he doesn't want to ever see me again and is bad mouthing me for the last 4 years??? And then I'm mad at myself for getting upset over this, but I wonder WHO all has he told this to? I know to DHs father since he visits with them daily... My MIL knew... so who else thinks I'm this disgusting woman?!!?!? I'll never see this uncle again as he's dying, but DH's aunt? How do I ever look her in the eye again since she corroborates this story?? And is there some part of MIL who thinks it's true too? DH knows it's not true and thinks that they are remembering how they WANT to remember, but STILL!!! It's very upsetting to me!!!! I just don't know how "I" can move past that statement HONESTLY. I can 'pretend' it's OK, but I can never forget my character has been raked across the coals.... and then I think... wouldn't it have been better if I never knew. I don't think DH was going to tell me, so why did MIL? It seemed she almost relished telling me too! It's EVIL! I almost don't know who I'm more mad at, the uncle and aunt or my mil!!! UGh....so how long do you think it will take me to put it behind me and to forgive? Could you? If you all only knew me. I'm like the do gooder, goodie two-shoes!!! Ugh!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:54 AM	#2
fiatflux Member	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Wow...well I think this rift goes way deeper than your underwear. They are just using it as an excuse to lash out at your MIL's side of the family. Who knows what really happened? Forgive them for your own peace of mind, but until they meet you halfway, there's not much you can do to mend this rift. As to how long it will take for you to get over it...hard to say...especially if it keeps coming up and you keep hearing about it, reopening the wound. It's so sad how these kinds of feuds develop in families over petty matters. The same thing happened between my mom and uncle, due to disagreements about how to divide things up after my grandma died. After that, I never saw my uncle again (he died and I actually have no idea if my aunt is still alive or not...they lived in the UK and I am in the US). Last edited by fiatflux; Jan 3rd, 2008 at 10:57 AM.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:57 AM	#3
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Not to reply to myself, but I just remembered something. LONG ago.... like the first time we stayed with them 9 years ago I "DID" put something on the dining room table that upset DHs uncle. I didn't think anything of it, DH didn't think anything of it and even my DH's aunt was trying to apologize for the uncle's anger. He never said anything to me, but the aunt removed the item and said we shouldn't put anything on the table because the uncle would think it's dirty... I don't remember what it was, but it was not dirty underwear!!! It was so minor I don't remember, but it was like a book or perhaps a kids toy or sippy cup... I do recall 'something' now NINE YEARS AGO and we had seen them twice at their home since and she had come to visit us in our home after that too! Maybe I folded the clean laundry on the table??? My super neat freak MIL does that all the time and I've seen the aunt do this too, but I usually fold laundry on the bed or couch... I just wish I could figure it out!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:02 AM	#4
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! dirty underwear or not, that is no reason to refuse to see someone when your dying. there is more to the story they are not telling you. forgive me, but what awful people! __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 11:50 AM	#6
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! OMG, I now remember!!!! NINE years ago, when we went to visit we stayed with them for a few days and then went down to the seashore. We then came back up and stayed with them again for a day. I ONLY remember now because I recall one of the times we flew I had a TERRIBLE head cold and didn't know I should take something for the head congestion. I about DIED in the plane from the pain in my head and it was THAT time. Now I remember...I had left (accidentally, of course) a tissue on the table or temporarily put it on the table for some reason while doing somethign else. I must have been sitting at the table for dinner and used a kleenex and was either tending to my toddler or something and forgot to pick it up. I'm NOT in the habit of leaving kleenexes around, but THIS could have happened.... and now I kind of remember this "incident". I remember being a little embarassed about "being called out" about a dirty tissue and felt bad that I had forgotten about it. I can't even remember if I forgot it there or if it was just that I placed it on the table AT ALL that was the problem... Now that I think about it, DH and MIL throw their tissues on the floor when sitting somewhere and pick them up when they get up. I try to keep it tucked in my hand or get up right away to throw it out, but if I'm dealing with kids, I probably do set it on the desk/table while I'm dealing with other things. Well... maybe people will feel that this is "as" disgusting, but at least I know WHAT happened now... If I could only count the number of times I've picked up dirty tissues around the house from my husband and son! LOL Oh well... now I have peace of mind now. My guess is that the "remembered" this incident after the big "riff" happened. Since this "disgusting" incident was already 5 years in the past, the just conveniently remembered it as DIRTY UNDERWEAR instead of a dirty tissue... nice... Maybe I still am a disgusting woman, but in my mind far less so than one that leaves her dirty underwear around!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:21 PM	#7
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Well, I must have grossed everyone out! Oops! Though I really have a hard time believing that people NEVER forget a tissue???

Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:36 PM	#8
LissiSays I <3 Coach =Þ Location: Miami, Florida	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Regardless of whether or not it was a tissue or underwear... it's ridiculous! I can see how someone would find that to be gross but it isn't insulting. Definitely not a valid reason to dislike someone. That is absurd. Speaking in general, I don't understand how families can let a little miscommunication, argument and/or disagreement pull a family apart. Family is supposed to be there no matter what. Families are supposed to be forgiving. Hell, you are supposed to get away with more with your family than with anyone else. (You shouldn't do stuff because of that but you get what I mean). Blood is supposed to be thicker than water. I seriously can't picture what I would have to do that would get my mother, aunt, uncle, etc to stop speaking to me. It's insane. Is it possible to force a little family meeting? Force everyone to come together and clear EVERYTHING! That is the only thing I can suggest. Obviously time has not healed whatever wounds these family members have. And I'm really sorry for your situation. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy. __________________ *LiSSi* Don't play games with a girl who can play better!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:53 PM	#9
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! It really is sad. The riff happened because my MIL sold her apt. in Zagreb, Croatia. She bought the place after the fall of communism (people were able to buy for low prices if they had lived in them for a long time) and then she sold it. Now, this apt. was originally her parents = so the sisters mom and dad's place they rented from the gov't.. The older sister (MIL) never moved out, but lived at home with her Mom and that's where my husband grew up. The aunt moved out and in with her husband's family when she got married (space/property was TIGHT). After the grandmother died, it was just MIL and DH in that place and there was even a time that MIL OFFERED the home to her sister because she was moving to the US temporarily (before communism fell and before she moved here permanently) and it would be a bigger home for her family (who had a smaller place all to themselves) but the sister said she couldn't live where both her parent's died. MIL moved back to the apt. after that one year in the US and continues living in the apt. Fast forward a few years and communism fails, and my MIL has a chance to buy it. She buys it with her OWN money and ALLLLL those decades only she was paying for repairs and upgrades to the home. AFTER buying it, she moves to the US and tries to sell it - it took 4 years to sell it and during that time her sister never helped with upkeep of the home or anything. Now, finally she had a chance to sell since she wants to stay in the US to be near her only son (my DH) and then her sister has a fit. her sister feels she should get about 1/3 of the profits of the house (though she never said so... only NOW four years later did DH get this out of her) because it was her parent's home and it should have been considered an inheritance, but yes MIL should get more since she took care of it... Of course, this makes NO SENSE since their parents never OWNED it, they RENTED IT. MIL rented it (since her Mother didn't have the funds) from 1970 onward and it was with her money that she bought it. NOW that there was a sizable profit, the sister wants her cut. NO discussion was ever made, nothing. Only thing that happened was that when my MIL sold it, her sister said she could never forgive her and that she was selfish and never wanted to talk to her again... and that was it.... Four years of hung up phone calls, unreturned mail... putting my DH and his cousin at odds.... Then, because they were so mad at MIL, I think they invented reasons to be mad at everyone else in the family. We aren't the "reasons" but the effect is, we are BAD people... And these are not old people. The aunt was 58 when it happened, MIL was 68. They are both PhDs and MDs (double doctors).... so I can't even say they're ignorant. I KNOW my MIL is no saint, she drives me CRAZY, but she's not the monger they've turned her into. Last edited by berryblondeboys; Jan 3rd, 2008 at 03:08 PM.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:00 PM	#10
LissiSays I <3 Coach =Þ Location: Miami, Florida	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! I can't believe they are fighting over money. If she didn't want the property back then it is her own fault. I agree, your MIL did not have to share that with her sister. Especially after all the time, money and effort she put into it on her own. It is ridiculous! __________________ *LiSSi* Don't play games with a girl who can play better!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 04:09 PM	#11
heartnaspade Ali Location: back in NYC	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! I'm sorry but saying you don't want to see someone because they are a "dirty woman" who goes around leaving dirty underwear on tables is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. How insane are these people?

Jan 3rd, 2008, 04:16 PM	#12
berryblondeboys Member Location: VA (DC Burbs)	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Ugh, and I'm hanging my head in shame for saying RIFF over and over instead of Rift! What the heck?!? LOL It is ridiculous. I've probably spent a total of 5 weeks of my life with these people on various trips and I've always been friendly and such and when we were there, they seemed to LOVE it and BEGGED us to come back and visit again. That's why DH and his uncle got into it 5 years ago a bit. Money was REALLy tight for us and coming to them was probably closer to $10,000, but they were BEGGING us to come visit because they missed us so much (they really loved our son too and have pictures of him ALLLLL over their apt.). Then we get there, and we are basically stranded - no car, no way to get into town and they would ditch us each day to go into town before we woke up (like leaving at 7 am to go into town to have coffee). DH and uncle got into an argument about WHY did we come so far and spend so much money to stay in a place that is isolated and with no way to get into town. if we would have KNOWN we would have rented a car or stayed asked to stay somewhere else...and their response? "We thought it we told you the truth about the place and about why we didn't want to go too far from Zagreb, you wouldn't have come to visit us..." It was awful, but it got hashed out, we rented a car for a few days and we just agreed that from NOW ON they need to COMMUNICATE with us about why thigns are so that we can plan for it better instead of trying to dupe us.... And, for some reason, this conversation is the reason why Uncle never wants to see DH again either... OMG!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 08:30 PM	#13
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! Well, this reminds me you can pick your husband, but you can't pick your in laws. The fact that his family have distorted and blown a tissue on the table to such porportions only make me wonder what kind of relationship they have with their own friends. You and your DH can try to convince the rest of the family that it was only a tissue, and you formally apologize for leaving it on the table. But then back that up with "Now, can this sillly feud stop?" Tell them that this feud is now upsetting your son, because he thinks they don't like his Mom. I'm curious, are you from Croatia too? Because it sounds like you are from a totally different culture, and perhaps this is a total no-no in their world. Either way, it sounds like a lot of huffing and puffing to me. And I didn't realize "riff" wasn't the proper spelling, so no worries there! ;-)

Jan 3rd, 2008, 10:42 PM	#14
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	Re: family riff and I'm involved and didn't even know it! ^^^what Speedy said. Are we related, berry? This sounds like my in-laws. Feuds, grudges, talking about people (me) behind their backs, fighting over money, and not communicating about much of anything. You can't control what other people say or do. I'm so sorry this has affected you both (and when you've obviously tried so hard to maintain ties). They are fairly crazy. I know it's awful, but it's not your fault or responsibility. Pray that you can let it go; let them stew in their own juices.