FAMILY commenting on my weight

[Junkenpo]

This is an proxy post for someone who would like to remain anonymous. It came through the "designated hitter" option in the Health and Fitness subforum, but since it asks how to deal with family, rather than physical health or actual weight loss, I thought it'd get better replies here.

Mahalo for your replies!

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I have been thin my whole life. I up until about 3-4 years ago, I've been putting on weight. Back then I was a size 0-2 and weighed about 100-110lbs. Since then, I've gained 40lbs and am now a size 6. By no means do I consider myself overweight but I am "chubby". My mom and dad are constantly commenting me on my weight. Calling me FAT and BIG THIGHS... in a joking tone but it still annoys me. My parents are constantly telling me to work out.. I've told my DH and they think my parents are crazy telling me I'm fat and that he loves me for me.

We are going on a family trip soon (literally my entire family for a reunion) and I am scared they are going to continue to comment on my weight. Some of my family members I haven't seen in years so they may think I'm fat too! I have a thin family and no one is really overweight. I'm scared of going and being subjected to this kind of verbal abuse. I know my parents don't mean it, but it is still hurtful. I am scared to eat around them or wear anything that shows my figure. Whenever I am over there house, I just wear a t-shirt and sweats. I am usually known as the "fashionista" of the family so this is a big change for me.

I often find myself crying on the way home from my parents house or being furrious from a conversation with my mother. For example, last week when we went shopping my mom told me to buy big flowy clothes because they were for fat people and I wanted to scream.

I don't know if I should say something to them, but I do agree that I am a little over weight. So, they are not wrong in telling me to go to the gym. But I need help! how will i survive a week with my family without bursting into tears?!

[Junkenpo]

Anonymous: I can sympathize. Up to about 5 years ago, I was always in the 102-107lbs range. Then I started an online degree program and between work and homework, I wasn't making time for any exercise... I've gained about 20lbs by the time the course was over...and then the job I got after that was also pretty sedentary... and I put on another 20lbs.

I am currently 40lbs overweight... and since I'm 5'0", it definitely frustrates me. I'm getting married next month and I find myself mooning over old photos wishing I could be the petite bride I thought I would be when I was younger.

My DF started dating me when I was still 102lb, but whenever I bring up my weight gain and how I'm sorry I'm not the smoking hot babe he started dating, he also says he still thinks I'm beautiful and he loves me for me.

Honestly, I'd loooove even be a 6 now because it's a wonderfully curvey size to be. As long as you're wearing clothes that FIT, a size 6 ROCKS outfits. I currently wear a 12 on top and a 10 on bottom, but since I'm so short, I have a hard time finding stuff that fits appropriately for my height and age.

At a 6, by no means do you have buy and wear "big, flowy" clothes ...a six sooo NOT fat. Be the fashionista you are currently suppressing! My fave comfy, sexy, all age appropriate outfit is a HOT dark jeans, cute shoes or heels, and a cute top.

Good luck!

[LissiSays]

Size 6 is not fat at all. I don't even think I would call that "Chubby" unless you are really really short. That weight and size, to me, is average.

I would tell your mother that it really bothers you. Something like this is not worth your tears. If your mother is like everyone else on earth, I'm sure she isn't as skinny as she used to be when she was younger. It's called life. If you and your DH are happy, then it shouldn't concern anyone.

Do what makes you happy. If you are happy the way you are then stay like that. If you aren't happy then change.

Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.

[sofakingsweet]

i don't really have words of advice, but I just want this person to know that they're not alone...

when my mother first put me on the pill to regulate my period, I gained SO SO SO much water weight. I weighed 103 prior to the pill, and 123 after. My entire family constantly criticized me for letting myself go and that I should exercise and the pill wasn't an excuse. I just smiled politely every time and walked away when I knew the tears were going to come out. I didn't know what else to do so I just got off the pill. I now weigh less, but never really got back to how i used to be.

I feel for you and am so so so sorry that you have to go through this.
Feel better! Just try to always focus on what YOU feel and not what others tell you. If you believe that you're fine, then you are. Try your best not to let it get to you like it got to me.

If you and your DH are happy, then so be it.

[abbygirl]

A SIZE 6 IS FAT?????? OMG, I NEED TO GO ON A DIET.

Of course you should tell you parents how hurtful they are being to you. They won't change unless you tell them.

You go on that vacation with your held high, and eat whatever you want. When someone makes a comment to you about your weight, you can say:

I am happy with my weight, and my husband says he now has something to hold on to when we have sex.

Size is only in the eyes of the beholder.

[nooch]

Tell your family to shove it. It's none of their business. I'm sure if you lost weight you'd all of a sudden be "too skinny".

I am a fat girl who doesn't apologize for it, even after a lifetime of being told that I am wasting my god-given beauty by being fat. It's really none of their business.

Also, you're letting them warp you. You aren't overweight and stop internalizing their crap.

[leothelnss]

You're parents sound really insensitive. I would explain to them that harassing you about your weight is not encouraging you to do something about it, but rather making you dread going to see them and leaving in tears afterward.
Let them know you'd appreciate a little support from your family, the people that should be encouraging you, not putting you down.
<3

[LadyLinda]

I've had to deal with a weight-critical Mom and brothers for years. My Mom even expressed concerns I would look too fat in my wedding dress. Truth be told, I'm overweight, and curvy, and I looked drop dead gorgeous in that dress. Go figure.

Here's how you handle Mom: You can't change her. She's probably going to say something hurtful, even if she in her heart doesn't mean it that way. The only person you have any control over is yourself. What you CAN do is look stunning, and believe me--at size 6 you can definitely do that.

Before your trip, go out and buy some GREAT new outfits. Don't be afraid to get what you really love: colors, fabrics, styles. Kicky new shoes and accessories. A new bag (or two). A great hat if that's what you want. Fun, pretty summer clothes and things you will LOVE wearing. And then wear them.

Even if Mom expresses herself in some negative way, you will get so much wonderful feedback from other people, including other family members and total strangers, that you can still feel on top of the world. Beauty is not a size. Happiness comes from being yourself and liking it.

And I'm definitely crossing my fingers for you!!!

[lovinalotofbags]

I know it is harder emotionally when these kind of comments come from people who should protect you and build you up, not tear you down. Next time, an unsolicited comment about your weight is said, you say, "Yes, I know I have gained weight but when I am ready, I will lose it but I will not lose the memory of you making fun of me. It hurts my feelings and is uncalled for." Be the confident fashionista you were before. Hugs.

[elle tee]

Anonymous, I'm sure this is really difficult for you. I have always been super skinny and even putting on 5 lbs has a big effect on how I look and feel- even though no one else comments. I do get a lot of comments about my weight though, and they drive me nuts! I would suggest two ways of dealing with this: with your parents, when they make a comment, say "Mom, that was a really hurtful/insensitive/unkind thing to say." Don't get emotional when you say it, keep your tone neutral. This will show her that her words are coming across to you in a negative way- she might not mean to be hurtful. She might not care- in which case, I would say you need some distance from her because she's being very thoughtless.
As for family members you haven't seen in a while, people are bound to make comments, and they may not realize how hurtful they are. I would suggest a response that is funny, but at the same time turns it around on them so they realize how dumb they're being in pointing it out to you. If someone comments that you've gained weight, pretend to be shocked and say something like "OMG really? I had NO IDEA! Thank you SO MUCH for telling me" and act really greatful. I bet that will shut them up!
Aside from that, go get yourself some hot, fashionable clothes that hug those new curves of yours and rock it, because I bet you look amazing!
Good luck on your trip.

[BTBF]

How did you let that happened?

[cosmogrl5]

My whole family did this to me when I was 12 and developing. It spun me into years of eating disorders, and to this day, I am still too underweight because I developed a fear that if I was heavier they wouldn't love me. Don't let their comments poison yoiur mind. You sound happy with yourself and that is all that matters. They are the ones who have issues for making comments.

[moi et mes sacs]

I was super skinny for years. Now its a constant battle. I was away in my parents home country last week and saw loads of relatives who havent seen me for years. Same old line. *** was so slim when she was young. They were saying it to my husnband as if it was classified information. Irritating, there must be something else to talk about!!! That said, I would dream of being a size 6. My advice is to look as though these hurtful comments dont worry you. As soon as people see its bothering you they have got your achilles heel and will continue to go on and on. Good luck, I am sure you look great as you are.

[ProfNot]

Dear Anonymous,

I suggest you DO burst into tears right in front of them so they see how much they are hurting you.

And do it every time they "suggest" something or criticize you. Tell them you are crying because their comments are so hurtful. Tell them your weight is none of their business. You are healthy and that is all that really matters.

Good luck!

[shallow-ish]

I've always found it despicable when parents call their children fat (or some variety of that, such as 'thunder thighs'). When a child is young, if the parent is actually concerned about the child being unhealthy, the parent can try to change their child's lifestyle in terms of diet and exercise. When a child becomes an adult, I think the parent needs to keep quiet unless their opinion is solicited.

Having said all that, I don't think that a size 6 is even remotely overweight. If you are 140lbs and size 6, what is your height? Over 5'5"? Maybe they are jealous because you are looking sexy and curvy?

Try approaching your parents in private and explain that what they are saying is hurtful. If you have no other options, maybe try to distance yourself from the negativity. Hang in there and good luck!