[Kelly_Birkin]

Title should read: Etiquette question about soon-to-be former teacher

Hello. I graduate in October, and I would like to extend a lunch invite to my soon-to-be former teacher. Our school has a no socializing policy. (not that there haven't been people who have violated this, including your cliched romantic liason types), but my teacher has refused to go to baby showers of current students as she doesn't want to cross that line of being caught socializing with students. She only went out to dinner with one student and her family as soon as the degree was put in her hand at graduation. She also doesn't want other students to feel put-out as in, "did so and so get an A, because you two go to lunch?" We also aren't allowed to go into a car with them. So, if a bunch of students and teachers are going to the same place, you'd have to ride with fellow students. My one classmate, who lives very close to this teacher, can't even carpool with her to save gas money, because they'd both be in trouble with the Campus Director if they got caught. (And on an aside, when there was a flat tire and I had to walk - another teacher saw me, but kept right on driving - I really would like to have known what she would have done had it been raining and I had no umbrella).

So, my question is, do I pay for her lunch? (of course, I would) What do I do to make her feel more comfortable? The odd thing is, we're the same age, infact, I'm one month older!

If there are any teachers on the board here, do the labels, student and teacher eventually go away? I'm not saying we're going to be BFF's, but we do get along very well and I would love to buy her lunch at least once to say thank you for being a positive influence and an all-around good person.

[Kelly_Birkin]

I hope it's okay to bump a thread every once in awhile. If anyone is a teacher or any other occupation that which prohibits socializing until your time there is done, I really would appreciate anyone's advice on the topic.

[candypants1100]

I am a teacher and as far as I can see, the student-teacher label doesn't really go away. We have a rule in my school where I can't pick up a kid I see on the side of the road, even if it is raining or in the middle of a thunderstorm. There are too many bad things that have happened in the past and now we all have to be OVERLY cautious. If that teacher had picked you up, he or she could have potentially lost their job.

To me, it is always strange seeing students outside the classroom. I ran into a student at the mall and it was very awkward because after, 'hey there!' we ran out of things to say.

I think the best thing you could do to thank her for the positive influence she has had on your life is to write her a meaningful card and give her a little gift- nothing big, just something thoughtful.

[exotikittenx]

I am a teacher and would avoid a situation like that. You never know when a student might accuse a teacher of doing something, or people would begin saying things. It really is not a good idea to socialize with students. I agree with the above poster about the card or small gift.

[biggestbaglover]

I agree with the above posters. I am a high school teacher and have been for the last 8 years. When I first started teaching, I was 22 yo and my students were 17-18. Although, we were so close in age, I never allowed them to feel like they were my peers and established myself in a position of authority. We have a mutual respect for one another and I get along very well with many of them but they understand that I am their teacher, not their friend. There are too many situations nowadays and it is best as a teacher to keep your distance and establish a distinct line between student and teacher. Regardless of age, the teacher is still in a position of authority and I think she is very wise not to cross that line. I also choose not to socialize with my students, current or former, as it is just inviting controversy into your life. As teachers, we have to be very careful of this and are constantly reminded of these dangers by our superiors. Anything else just invites others to question your professionalism and I for one, don't need any of that or any potential risk to my career.

[Kenia]

Teacher's Code of Ethics prohibits us to socialize with students, there are just too many things which go on in society and the truth is we always have to watch our backs. As far as I am concerned the teacher- student relationship belongs in the classroom. I would send her a nice thank you card.

[Demosthenes]

I don't know... I've had great lunches with some of my professors. We spoke more like colleagues than friends though. But the word "teacher" rather than "professor" implies that this is in a high school setting... in that case, no, the student-teacher relationship doesn't really go away.

I ran into some of my high school teachers at a bar one day, and we had a great conversation, but I still called them Mr. T, etc. My chem teacher from HS occassionally came out to our lunches & parties, but we always treated him respectfully. My favorite teacher of all time was from middle school. He was like a mentor to a lot us, and he was a part of our lives for a couple of years after that, chaperoning our beach parties, going to lunch with us, hanging out and in general, being a positive influence. I think we got closer to some of our teachers because we used them as advisors for events (did a lot of honors/AP, student gov stuff) and spent time with them after hours.

[Kelly_Birkin]

Thank you for all of your responses. It is much appreciated. I should point out, I go to a business and technology school and we're all over 18. I remember way back when in junior high, when a teacher had to give me a ride home after a recital at the mall. I think that, that would never happen today and my Dad would've had to have given up his bowling night. As we all know life is much more different now than it was in 1984.

I'm glad that my teacher has ethics and a real sense of responsiblity.
That is why she's a great influence on not just me, but all of her students as well. :)

[ShimmaPuff]

Just wait until you graduate, and invite her to lunch then. You will no longer be a student, she will no longer be your teacher, so school regulations will no longer apply.

In my opinion, whether the student-teacher relationship ever "goes away" depends on the individual student and teacher.

If all the two have in common is that classroom experience, then it is easy to see how you would have a situation like that related by candypants - of not having a whole lot to say to each other once you are no longer student and teacher.

But where there is affinity as well as common interests, even if the common interest is the subject of the class, for instance someone who was your history teacher might become a fellow history buff with whom you enjoy spending an occasional evening talking about history!

[Kelly_Birkin]

SP, yes I am waiting until graduation before I extended a lunch invitation. I agree with handling things on an individual basis rather than lumping every situation together. I just wanted advice on the proper way on how to do this.

Here is something interesting that happened today. Remember the classmate whom I mentioned lives pretty close to our teacher? Well, she offered to take her son home after he speaks to our class (he's a kid), and our teacher okayed it and told her to come to her house. Ever her large art project for class was taken to school by our teacher as her car didn't have room for it. She's even met her mother. But, she still can't carpool with said teacher. Which my classmate even commented on to me, because of the rising fuel costs. Still, we both respect the rules, and you know how there's always a few teachers, you would never want to see written up (or worse), this is that kind-of teacher. :)

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by candypants1100

I am a teacher and as far as I can see, the student-teacher label doesn't really go away. We have a rule in my school where I can't pick up a kid I see on the side of the road, even if it is raining or in the middle of a thunderstorm. There are too many bad things that have happened in the past and now we all have to be OVERLY cautious. If that teacher had picked you up, he or she could have potentially lost their job.

To me, it is always strange seeing students outside the classroom. I ran into a student at the mall and it was very awkward because after, 'hey there!' we ran out of things to say.

I think the best thing you could do to thank her for the positive influence she has had on your life is to write her a meaningful card and give her a little gift- nothing big, just something thoughtful.

I agree. I had a teacher in elementary school that picked me up on the side of the road when it was raining. It was very nice of her but I don't think it would be a good idea now (this was back the '80s) because of people being accused of stuff.

My family has a lot of teachers in it too and the teacher/student relationship doesn't usually progress into a friendship outside of school. And if it does, it's kind of a strange thing. My mom has known teachers that have hung out with former students and it's almost towing the line of being unprofessional. Even if it's not unprofessional, it just doesn't seem like a good idea for the teacher.

[Kelly_Birkin]

I don't think there should be lables on the college level, especially when you are the same age, infact, I'm a month older. But, I will wait for after graduation to invite my teacher (actually, I want to invite my first major teacher to lunch as well, she's more of a mother figure, because she is old enough to be my parent) for lunch.

I can see where it would be strange if you teach the younger grades,
and the kids come back a decade later or so.

Actually, my teacher had a good story about something similar,
before getting a job at our business college, she worked in the local
high school in her area. Well, she was taking more college classes herself, and who showed up as a fellow student wanting to be
buddy-buddy? A male she taught in the high school, who was old enough to be her son! She told* our class that was an
uncomfortable situation and basically was just
polite and didn't want to sit next to him.

*We do have tendency to go off-topic from time-to-time,
including our teacher herself. :)

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by Kelly_Birkin

I don't think there should be lables on the college level, especially when you are the same age, infact, I'm a month older. But, I will wait for after graduation to invite my teacher (actually, I want to invite my first major teacher to lunch as well, she's more of a mother figure, because she is old enough to be my parent) for lunch.

I can see where it would be strange if you teach the younger grades,
and the kids come back a decade later or so.

Actually, my teacher had a good story about something similar,
before getting a job at our business college, she worked in the local
high school in her area. Well, she was taking more college classes herself, and who showed up as a fellow student wanting to be
buddy-buddy? A male she taught in the high school, who was old enough to be her son! She told* our class that was an
uncomfortable situation and basically was just
polite and didn't want to sit next to him.

*We do have tendency to go off-topic from time-to-time,
including our teacher herself. :)

You have a good point. I forgot that you said you're a month older than her. It's definitely not as strange as it would be with a former K-12 grade teacher.

[Kelly_Birkin]

GirlFriday, of course, I respect everyone's decisions. I know she'll do the
lunch, she has with other graduates. I just wanted to go about it in the most sophisticated and respectful way. :)