[Janerbabe]

Hi everyone, I've been just reading threads on the forums for a while and would like to post a problem of my own in this section.

I'm 15, and currently live in a tiny tiny town. We just got a Starbucks and Boston Pizza (if people aren't familiar with BP, I don't know if it's international, it's a pizza franchise if you haven't guessed!) Everyone was like "OMG! Starbucks!!! " Anyways. I used to live in Vancouver, BC. Not as busy as NY but it's a good sized city. My parents owned a couple small businesses there, I guess you could call them small business owners... Less than a month prior to moving to this little rut of a town, they broke the news to me. "We're moving to this xxxxx place where it's quiet and peaceful, and no one's ever heard of it and it's perfect for us!" Them. I'm a city girl. I live and breath the malls and downtown shopping. My parents; however, could not be more opposite. My dad's dream is to settle down in a nice 30 acre, "vintage" farm/ranch property and pass his retirement golfing and chillaxing. My mom is neutral-ish, but still likes the peacefulness here, and is not into shopping, if at all. (Although she did just buy a gorgeous LV purse- but that's another story)

When they hit me with the news, I was devastated. I had lived in Vancouver since I was a little kid, and my best friend, whom I've had minimal-next to none contact with ever since moving, and whom I've not met one person I could have fun with like her, still lives there. Away from me!!! So fast-forward a bit and here I am, moved into this tiny, ugly house, after living in a city for almost all my life. Let me tell you, the transition was not easy for me. My parents moved here for, as stated, the slow-paced life, but also my dad bought some buildings with potential, and wanted to expand in this area. I understand that this is my parent's job, I've been so accustomed to moving around everywhere, adjusting to new schools, making new friends. But none big of a change as this. Call me terrible but I knew I would have a seriously long grudge for my parents dragging me here.

I started attending this 300-something students middle school, and am now in a grades 9-12 highschool. For the most part, as my parents themselves have said, this school just serves as a little normalcy for teenagers until they either drop out or graduate to the trades industry. I was appalled at the state of the school... it's no smoking grounds for like a 10 block radius, yet there's a smoking 'pit' the SCHOOL built RIGHT next door for students to smoke at. Among others. I prided myself in my grades- straight A's since I was a young'un , and did not want to be stuck in this school, literally! My mom's excuse for making me attend this school? "Apparently, from an indirect source, two kids graduated to Harvard from this highschool." I mean WTF? How can you base your kid's education on some measly pieces of highly possibly untrue fact, that shouldn't even effect your judgment in the first place.

My parents have always set high expectations from me since my childhood. (They're Asian to shine some light on this) It was always Harvard, eventually 'lowered' to Stanford (as my mother, whom I have 0 respect for, says) and so on. I just worried, how the hell am I supposed to attend prestige universities while attending a school whose best attempt at university prep is, well....... making sure you have enough credits to graduate high school.

But that's not it. lol. My parents are extremely abusive. Though not any more, since I did grow much older, but when I was little both my mom and my dad, moreso my mom, would kick me, hit me, give me bruises whenever we got in a row. Hard, and a lot. Nowadays, they just verbally abuse me. Degrades me with a bunch of words in our language that I don't really understand, but some include a translation of piece of shit, fucktard, and simple ones such as calling me a bug or an animal. Those two recent ones were because I couldn't find a shirt from the dry cleaners.

I believe I'm respectful, to a certain point. My parents' principles are so different from what I am used to, growing up in the white/Canadian communities. I guess they just dwelled on their asian cultures, and refuse to accept the 'right' and 'wrongs'. But obviously, when they do something so out of call, like one time when my dad knew he was in the wrong, but still told me to apologise. So I, not being wanted to be pushed around anymore, respectfully pointed out what I did, and what he did. He said, I don't care, you're supposed to apologise even if I'm wrong, because you're the kid. Wow.

Before I type my fingers off, which I almost did. Boarding school. For stated reasons and many more, I've wanted to go to boarding school to get away. My parents are not insanely rich, but they can easily afford the tuition. My dad thinks boarding education is worthless. My mom hates me enough to say she's not going to waste money on my boarding fees. In my situation, do you think it would be better for me to stick with this crappy highschool (am I biased?) or be sent away to boarding school? from a parent's point of view. My dad has even said, $40k a year is a lot of money, but if we're ever going to send you away, the #1 reason is just to get rid of you. Thanks dad.

Why did I post this... I want to provide a good argument to my parents, so they will hopefully at least change their minds enough to send me away. I've recently got a new job a month or so ago (worked the easiest job ever $10/hour basically sitting in one of my dad's stores, but got extremely fed up with my parents always bringing personal beef to the workplace. They always told me to be professional, but what the hell are they doing?) it's hard, tough work. But I got it just to get away from the house a bit more, and support myself. We're pretty well off, but after standing up to them a couple times, they completely cut off my funds. completely. I buy my own shampoo, sometimes my own food when nobody is home to cook and nothing's in the fridge, etc. you get the picture. If they do choose to do something for me, they do it in a nasty way. One time, I needed a ride back from out of town. My parents agreed to drive me both ways. When I called to ask for them to pick me up, my dad's reply was "Can't you just take a cab? I don't feel like driving you". It's so easy to get side tracked talking about a different aspect of my life. This is really good venting- I've never told anybody this except an adult friend, one of my mom's friends. They are not close anymore, she realized my mom would choose money over relationships. But I don't want to get even more side tracked.

Anyhow, the job. I've been thinking of saying, and proving to them how much I want this, buy offering to pay $1-3k of the tuition. It's not much, probably pays the starting fee lol, but what can I do? My reasons so far are it's impossible to live together (my parents and I have mutually come to this agreement), I need a better education if they expect me to get to their choice of universities (now they are saying I can go to one of the community colleges if need be, as long as I don't go to boarding school...), they recently got 3 three 3!!! homeschool kids. mostly as out of a favour to our relatives, and oh yeah, they didn't tell me the kids were coming at all. I had to ask my younger sister who is 8 yrs old after I overheard my mom telling her about it. It's hard to fit 5 children and 2 adults in a house that is barely big enough for us. I'm sure there are more. Like I said, in a parent's point of view, is boarding school worthless? If not, what are the good reasons to go there?

Thanks for reading. it's insanely long. It would be my pleasure to elaborate on some parts I was vague on... like I said... this was a way for me to vent and form an 'attack plan'

[Speedy]

Hate to tell you this honey, but you are stuck with what THEY want until you are 18 or emancipated, but you'll have to show a judge good cause for emanipation.

You're thinking boarding school only beause you want to get out from under your parents thumbs. IF you are as badly abused as you say, all the authorities. You owe this to yourself especially if you believe or know they are also beating your sister.

But it really sounds like to me that you are a typical 15 year old who can't see why your parents do what they did, and you just flat out want out. Well, I'd say your best bet is to stick it out til you are 18, then you can leave.

[angelah]

Sorry can't help you there. If I were you I'd apply for a scholarship, easy to get these days, you don't need distinctions anymore.

If your parents don't want to sponsor you there is nothing you can do to persuade them it is their money. If you really want to get away to boarding school, get a study loan. In other words, find your own sponsors. Your parents will probably balk but when they see how serious you are they might pitch in afterwards.

It is pretty normal for teenage daughters to resent living with their parents. I think most of us have been through this phase for years. I did.

[Janerbabe]

Thanks for your insight speedy. I've been comforting myself with the fact that what I go through, millions of other teenagers go through too. But then over the years, as the problem worsened, it just got tougher to believe teenage years could be this hard. I kind of slowly realized I am not in the same situation as other kids. I don't know, I wish I could explain it more, to help you understand, but I can't think right now. This always gets me down... and it's 2am. I would call authorities, to start i called kids help line.... I dialed and, as fate would have it, no one picked up the phone for a while. But the thing is, why would I want to, for now at least. I guess I just became immune , or as immune as one can get, to their abuse. I just bite my tongue, and deal with it, because, where else would I get a free place to sleep. (without feeling guilty)

And I agree, it is their money. But as my seemingly conceited, trapped self thinks, I am their daughter. They should not be neglecting me, forcing me to go to some run down school, all while expecting above and beyond.

[Speedy]

Janerbabe, I had it rough when I was your age. I was pregnant with my first child. My father had a habit of hasing his sons down the street with a hammer if they pissed him off. He cheated on and beat my mother regularly, and refused to get a job. There was never enough food. I didn't have "girl" clothes, I had to wear my brother's hand-me-downs until I got pregnant, then I wore clothes I borrowed from my heavier mother. I left home when I was 16 with my child and her father.

I sense there is more to this than just some "run-down" school and tiny community you are being forced to live in, and your reluctance to call the authorities (not even for your sister? They abuse her too, right?) tells me it's more of you hate the area and just flat want out of it.

In order to get respect from your parents, you must also give it. Imagine yourself without them. And by them, also imagine being without the roof they've provided, the clothing they've bought you, the food you eat... think about what they do to earn the money for this. So many times I see 15 year olds (and younger!) treat their parents like total sh**. Look deep inside yourself and think... do you treat them the way you would want to be treated?

[compulsivepurse]

Boarding school is a good idea but I don't see it happening, honestly, unless your parents were excited about it. I don't have much advice except to say keep getting good grades and try to make it to the end of high-school with your parents. Then go to college and never come home again (work summers and stay up there, etc). If you are not being physically abused I would try to hold out the three years simply so you can go to college. Keep your job, if you get a car study at school and at the library, do some after-school activities, just try to be at home only to eat and sleep. It's three years but honestly 15-18 are the longest three years of anyone's life, usually.

[IntlSet]

I 100% support the desire to go to boarding school. Boarding school is a truly invaluable experience that cannot be replaced, of course, provided you attend one of the best: Groton, Andover, Choate, Exeter, etc. You will bond with the other students on a complete different level, and they will be your dearest friends for life. Ever heard of the old boys' club? Guess where that originated?

I'll tell you honestly that my biggest regret was not going to boarding school when I was provided with the opportunity. My life would have turned out very differently (needless to say). Most of my boyfriend's closest friends are boarding school graduates... unless you know a lot of people who went to Groton, Andover, etc., it's difficult to understand exactly why one wants to pay $35K+ in tuition to attend one of these schools. The educations they received were exceptional, and the connections they made were priceless.

You sound like a very bright girl and you should try getting a scholarship. Be aware that tuition is exceptionally steep, plus room and board, plus spending money, etc.

Tell your parents that these schools have exceptional acceptance rates at the best universities: it's undeniable, really, that they offer a stellar education. I would look into it further to see if your parents can be convinced if you truly want to attend a boarding school.

[IntlSet]

By the way, I think coco-nut on this forum went to Choate. She's super sweet and you could contact her for her opinion if she doesn't stumble across this thread.

[candace117]

Teenage life is hard, but no kid deserves being called a f-beep-ktard and told that they would send her away because it meant getting rid of her. I mean that is just not right.

You do have two options, you can wait it out until you are 18 (which you are almost there), or you can decide if your situation is bad enough for emancipation or trying to get a scholarship to a boarding school. There may be things you aren't telling us about how they treat you, but it doesn't sound optimal. I think you sound like a very well-spoken and intelligent 15 year old and I hope that you can find a way to be happy, even if it means upsetting your parents. Believe me, they may say a lot of things, but you aren't a disappointment in any way.

[lilian]

I think boarding school would be ideal, but like other people have said, it would be an uphill battle to get the funds together on your own, and I think it would be even more difficult to try to convince your parents that it's a good idea. I know you mentioned that you posted this in hopes of putting together a good argument to present to your parents about why boarding school is good, but honestly I think any argument you present them, regardless of how strong it is, will fall flat because it's coming from their 15-year-old daughter. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've found that's usually how it works: parents very rarely actually listen to what their kids say.

I think your best option is to try to disengage from your parents, and make yourself busy in other ways. Get a job, get involved in activities, focus your energies on school, etc. Use your desire to get out of this situation as motivation to work harder on these things, so that in a few years you will have the option of leaving to go to school.

[sonya]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

BUT it sounds like you have a great chance to get into a top college if you keep doing well in school. Going to an elite boarding school is not a free pass into an Ivy League school. Yes, it puts you into proximity with the top guidance counselors who, if they really like you, can call a college and say "I really think Janerbabe should go to your school" but that is a rare situation, especially for someone who did not go to the boarding school for an extended period of time.

The way to look at it is: who is your competition? It seems like you can really play up the "I thrived against all odds" story. You must continue to get straight As. You should find something you are good at and really excel at it. Schools are looking for people who are good at everything but exceptional at one thing. Start some sort of organization, preferably charity-related. If you can show that you have made a positive difference despite all odds, you would be a great candidate.

I'm not saying that going to Andover isn't worth it. The connections are amazing, very much an old boy's club. But you can build connections like that once you get into Harvard. The thing is, if you go to Andover, you will be competing against some of the smartest and privileged kids in the country. The classes are harder, the competition is stiffer. I'm not saying you wouldn't be top of your class. I'm saying it's harder to be in the top and stay there. Even if the admissions rate to an Ivy is close to 40%, you have to account for the increased competition and the legacy admits. Where do you think the other 60+% go?

It's hard for me to say everything that I think is helpful here. And, yes, I do know a former guidance counselor from one of these top boarding schools (she is now a consultant who teaches rich kids how to get into the Ivy League). But I think that you are choosing boarding school as an easy way out. You are 15. At most you have 3 years before starting college. When you are in college, it is much easier to distance yourself from family (if you want to). I just think it is more realistic -- especially given that your parents do not see the value of sending you to boarding school -- that you stay where you are, focus on your goal of getting into a top college.

Good luck.

[heartnaspade]

Boarding school would probably cost your parents upwards of $40k a year - that's $120K plus whatever your college tuition would be (if you went to Harvard or Stanford it would be $160k over the course of 4 years). The way your parents are treating you now, I just don't see them laying out $300k for your education.

Honestly, going to a boarding school does not guarantee you admission to an ivy league. One thing I can tell you is that top schools value diversity, and that they will consequently value valedictorians with high test scores from small, no-name high schools in the middle of nowhere. I come from Long Island where the majority of public schools are very good, and so the competition to get into top schools is incredibly fierce. If I had my grades and test scores and came from a smaller high school in say, Montana, I would have had a much higher chance of getting into the school of my choice. These are all things you have to look at when deciding if an expensive boarding school is really the best option for you.

That said, I am very sorry that your parents are so abusive of you. Try to focus on school (I know it's hard) and maybe get involved in an activity that takes you away from home for a few hours a week. Hang in there.

[Janerbabe]

A bit more info I suppose:

For one thing, my parents can afford full tuition, hassle-free. Before we moved here, they were considering sending me to boarding school (then I was like whatever), but they reconsidered, because they wanted to full devote to their businesses (money and emotionally-wise) Ever since I was little, my parents never had enough time for us if at all. We moved here from our home country almost 10 years ago, and we were not rich at all. But they are very hard working parents, which I respect them for to a certain point, and now we are wealthier than most people. That is fine and dandy, but give me loving parents who know the importance of a kid's childhood, more than money. The thing I do not get is, why work so hard to earn so much money, when your kids are being deprived in front of their eyes? I guess it is because they are Asian, in my POV, most Asians are all about working themselves to death-almost literally- and would rather have lots of money by retirement, whereas most people here, they spend a bit of the money they earn as they go, relaxing and enjoying life, with just/barely enough money to cover for them during retirement. Just my 2 cents.

My parents would/used to spoil me. Last year, I got a $2k laptop just because I didn't have a laptop yet. I kind of knew I was spoiled. Even the guy at Sony was all like "So what's the occasion for this laptop" and all I could say was "Nothing...." I get sent to different parts of the world with much more spending money than the average person.... Please don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging about this. I'm just saying, I would have traded all of this to have a 'normal' childhood. I guess they think buying me lots of expensive things compensates for the things they do to me, like sometimes during fights they will say things like "Why don't you listen 100%? What of all the things we bought you?" etc. The thing is, I think it is too late for them to try to change how I was brought up by refusing to even pay for $3 items. The way I think about it is, after spoiling me with lavish items up until probably last year, they think I will somehow be 'fixed' or magically cured of being spoiled or disrespectful if they stop buying me anything.

And Speedy, let me assure you, no, I am not deliberately disrespectful to my parents. I talk to them, listen to them, and treat them as any child should be to their parents, but you kind of have to draw the line when a simple question like "What's for dinner" is shot down with nasty remarks, or in a really mean tone. IT's just become too much to take, and I am now kind of F-it since a couple years ago. As well, I'm sorry to hear about how rough your life has been, but I hope that you did not tell me the stories to make me feel guilty or spoiled that since you have gone through worse, I should be thankful to be abused? Or shouldn't complain? In my opinion, just because there are way worse cases, doesn't mean you should neglect almost as bad situations. I do imagine myself without them. And it's not hard. I don't need to image. They've been absent my whole life, after moving to Canada when I was 6, with no knowledge of the English language whatsoever, I had to study hard by myself since elementary- well, not many difficult stuff then- but come middle school, I struggled and prevailed. My parents could not help me at all, as they knew even less english than I. I'm quite proud of how independent I am. Nor were my parents home at all to even see me doing hw or something. I kind of got used to it, and didn't mind. Ever since I was kind of old enough to stay home alone, I would be, my sister and I, and we would be at our house by ourselves for almost the whole day, everyday. I'm thankful we lived in a nice neighborhood with good neighbors. Lately I've been asking myself "what for". My parents treat me like crap, but it's like unheard of to receive disappointing grades. I sort of feel obliged to be this 90%+ average student, and the one motivation was so that I could graduate, get a good job, not depend on my parents at all, and never hear from them again. It would be bliss, really. But I've kind of faltered, like- can I take much longer? Whenever report card time comes along, I will hand over my grades and they will be like "good job". Sometimes they wont even say anything. So I sometimes "forgot" to give it to them, and when they noticed it was overdue, they demanded very angrily "Where is your report card?" I mean, you barely cover my necessities, and here you are demanding something that I deserve more credit for. Just because I've been an A student for a long time, doesn't mean it's effortless or easy. Anyhow.

My sister and I are really different, but I love her heh. I'm this head strong, outspoken when need be, independent person. She's more submissive, goes along with everything, and still young enough to be "cute" It kind of disgusts me how my mother treats her and I. With my sister, she will talk to her in a very sweet voice. But a second later when she addresses me, it will be in like the *ahem* hag voice she uses. The sole reason I don't like this is, what kind of example are you leading to my younger sister? My mother blames everything bad my sister does on me, saying she is learning it from me, etc. When my mom sometimes act really out of call towards my sister, demanding equally stressful things from her, and when she can't do it, gets very frustrated. OF course, my sister always try to recuperate and at least redeem herself and be cute . That is where we are different... I don't see the reason to do that anymore, I mean, do something respectful (and no working 24/7 only counts as so much) and I will treat you the way you want to. I feel bad for my sis, because she gets it x2 as hard, for my mom is always like "never be like your sister" when she does something minor wrong. It's funny isn't it, how whenever I go to stay at family friends' houses, everyone commends me for my manners and good behavior, yet the only people who seem to pick fights with me are my parents.

Anyways, I hope I cleared up some more clouds for you guys, back to boarding school topic lol. The only reason I felt I needed to post this, was I think there is a smidgen of a chance. If they had considered boarding in the beginning, why not again. I just want to stir that part somewhere deep deep DEEP inside their heads and maybe help them to see my way. I can be pretty manipulative when I want to be, in a good way

[jellybebe]

Wow, sorry to hear that you had to move away from lovely Vancouver to a tiny little town. (I live in Vancouver now and would only move away to a bigger city!) I can't believe your parents would want to move to a small town away from everyone, I have to say that's highly unusual for Asian parents, but anyways, I digress...

I don't know if you will be able to convince your parents to send you to boarding school, but if you want to try, I would work the "get into a good university" angle. I'm not sure which school you want to go to (can't remember if York or Crofton have boarding options, there is Shawnigan Lake on the Island, for example) but if you have your sights set on a good school with high graduation rates and good university acceptance numbers, emphasize the connections you will make there and all the prestigious families you will meet. You sound like a mature, smart person. Worst case scenario, you will get into a good university and live on campus away from home regardless. Keep your grades up and ignore the small-town mentality, it's only temporary.

[H&H]

Just... you know whatever...
I think your parents. want to go to a little town... you know why?


it is all about you... you can go out your door and it safe... you can run and run and run through the woods... you will have dozen of girllfriends...why? because you are special!