don't like my bf's friends...

jhazn85 · Jun 23rd, 2008, 07:46 PM

i've always heard that when you don't like your boyfriend's friends, it's a bad sign. i've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and i just don't like most of his friends. i don't know why, they are just all so immature and annoying, and when they come over to our apartment, they are inconsiderate and are messy and do whatever the hell they want. my bf gets sooooo defensive about them--he's the type of guy who will do anything for his friends, which is also annoying.

i'm really frustrated because we recently moved in together and i don't know anyone around this area...obviously i didn't ask him to quit his job so i had to move to where he is because i just graduated from grad school and i don't have a job yet. i don't know anyone and i'm forced to hang out with his friends all the time. it's like if my bf doesn't hang out with his friends for a while, he's going to die and he HAS to hang out with them. i don't know what to do. does anyone else have this problem? i feel so selfish and bitchy but i can't help how i feel.

amanda · Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:04 PM

If the worst thing they're doing is being kinda immature and annoying, and sometimes messy, then you probably need to NOT make this an issue. As long as it doesn't result in your BF treating you worse or differently, then this is one of those battles you just shouldn't pick, IMO.

Any person that complains about their SOs friends treads in the very dangerous territory of eventually making someone choose between them and their friends (or at least giving the impression of that choice, eventually). This is ALWAYS going to make you look like the evil one, unless there's a real, quantifiable issue that these friends are causing (they're bringing illegal drugs into the house, they're dangerous, they're mean to you). From what you described, it just sounds like they're normal young guys hanging out with their buddy, and the fact that you are all of a sudden present after not being there to comment on their behavior probably doesn't make them think that they need to change how they've always acted at your SO's apartment. If the issues are worth the fight, then talk to your SO about how his friends act, but really, I think this is one of those things you should just learn to deal with unless there are specific, unacceptable incidents that are heinously disrespectful to you (a friend grabbing you, waking you up in the middle of the night during the work week, etc). If they're just kind of smelly, noisy, regular dudes, then you're going to have to learn to be patient. Some guys are just like that. The fact that you've already made him defensive about it is not a good sign. You're not going to make your living situation any easier to adjust to if you automatically move in and start criticizing the people that your SO loves.

illinirdhd · Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:06 PM

Guys always seem to be protective of their friends. Don't know what that's about! Maybe he'll grow out of them?

Go make some friends, girl! Or find some girls to introduce his friends to!

amber11 · Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:08 PM

i agree that unless his friends really do something to cross the line then you should just keep quiet, guys can be very influenced by their friends and its best to not put yourself in that situation where his friends are talking negatively about you. i hated my boyfriends best friend for a really long time but he ended up stealing from my boyfriend and their no longer friends anymore which worked out for me but still a bad situation.... anyways they sound like their just being guys and i'd try to befriend them

VPT · Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jhazn85

they are just all so immature and annoying, and when they come over to our apartment, they are inconsiderate and are messy and do whatever the hell they want.

I don't see why you should get hyped up about this, this is how most guys' chums behave, it's all about male bonding. I'm sure they are not like this in front of their SO.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:50 PM

Jhazn, I can put myself in your shoes. Friends or not, they should be considerate of you and your home and not do what they want to do. Your BF, guy or not, should consider your feelings. I can picture myself sitting down in front of them and having a little conversation with them, one-sided of course. Talk to your BF about this without getting into a fight. You should approach him calmly and he should listen and understand where you are coming from with maturity. Good luck, hope everything works out. I know I would not put up with it just b/c of who I am.

amanda · Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinalotofbags

Jhazn, I can put myself in your shoes. Friends or not, they should be considerate of you and your home and not do what they want to do. Your BF, guy or not, should consider your feelings. I can picture myself sitting down in front of them and having a little conversation with them, one-sided of course. Talk to your BF about this without getting into a fight. You should approach him calmly and he should listen and understand where you are coming from with maturity. Good luck, hope everything works out. I know I would not put up with it just b/c of who I am.

the thing is, though, she says that she just moved in with him. if her SO has been letting these guys act as if it's their home too for an extended period of time, then it's not his friends' fault that they continue to act that way. since you're new to the living situation, be patient while you adjust to how your SO is used to living, and then try and decide if it's worth mentioning. unless it's an extreme situation, i'd really advise you not to put yourself in the awkward situation between your SO and his friends, because I've never known a single person that has had that end well for them and their relationship.

guccimamma · Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:04 PM

my husband's friends were an immature bunch of jerks when i met him...and they were several years older than me.

eventually they all met great women, got great jobs, and became great guys. i honestly love all of them now...well almost all of them.

they grew up. it took a while, but they all did.

carvedwords · Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:06 PM

Unless, it's an extreme situation and they cross the line, you shouldn't press on this issue. My DF really got angry when I pressed on this issue and he made me realize he needs to have time with his friends. It's really not something that needs to brought up.

April_Skye · Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amanda

The fact that you've already made him defensive about it is not a good sign. You're not going to make your living situation any easier to adjust to if you automatically move in and start criticizing the people that your SO loves.

^^ True! Ive been in your situation jhazn85, and it really did not go well. Yes they were messy, they were loud, they were immature and the their highest form of entertainment was farting and watching cartoons. Seriously, it makes you roll your eyes. But as amanda mentioned, this is that little grey area where you could either make this work for you or work against you.
At the end of the day, these boys go home. Your boyfriend doesnt. I think you sort of need to put the shoe on the other foot and see it from his point of view.
If you invited your girlfriends over, and you danced around to Madonna, drinking wine, laughing and dressing up, you'd be pretty upset if your boyfriend starting bitching in your ear about their behaviour and how he thinks theyre silly and immature. You'd find yourself really resenting that and youd start seeing him as a 'wet blanket'. And you'd be even more offended because you'll think "I was doing those things too. Does he see me that way aswell?"
And sometimes, thats all it can take to throw a spanner in the works.
Do talk to him about it though and say "Im okay with it, just be sure that they dont make a huge mess, or theyre not too loud, etc."

MonkeyGirl · Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:49 PM

i agree with previous posts that unless they do something to you, then it is just something that you will have to deal with it. maybe with a bit of luck they will change after a while or your bf will make new friends

April_Skye · Jun 23rd, 2008, 11:41 PM

^^Speaking of making new friends, maybe when hes got the boys over, you should go out and have some fun too! :)
You say you dont have many friends, well, this can be your chance to get back out there and meet people.
And even if its not social, sometimes when the rowdy boys are getting on your nerves, you should escape for some relaxing 'me' time. Go out, explore, find some cool new hangouts and meet people. Its a win-win :)

yvalenz · Jun 23rd, 2008, 11:58 PM

Sorry...but I totally disagree with not addressing or pushing this issue.

If he's treating their home together as a bachelor pad, then he's not respecting her or her place in that home.

You absolutely need to speak to him about it in a productive way. Don't do the "you and your friends are pigs" routine. You have to let him know how you feel and make a compromise.

Maybe they can come over once a week/every other week, and you leave when they are there. That's what I do - it's a free shopping day for me when the guys are all here. All I ask is that they pick up after themselves - and remind them in a nice way when I'm walking out the door. I joke about "Okay guys, I cooked - you clean. I'm not coming home to a messy house so pick up, 'kay? Don't make give you guys a time out"

guess what - they do it!

BUT - there is one person that is not allowed in our home. Ever. He is completely rude, disrespectful, has made inappropriate sexual and racial comments towards me, and I was not going to allow it. It's MY home too and I should not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. our home. I let dh know this - he didn't see anything this guy did was a big deal - "that's just how he is"....sorry. I'm not like that, I won't allow it, and you can choose-him or me. period.

So, yes, speak up. Compromise. Yes, boys need their boy time. Give it to them, but also claim your space in your new home together. There's always an adjustment period when moving in together, and this is going to be one of them. You're not just the "girlfriend" anymore - you're the "live-in girlfriend".

Good luck

IntlSet · Jun 24th, 2008, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amanda

unless it's an extreme situation, i'd really advise you not to put yourself in the awkward situation between your SO and his friends, because I've never known a single person that has had that end well for them and their relationship.

Yes, I'll go ahead and use myself an example. The one and only time I ever came between a guy and his friends, I lived to seriously, seriously regret it. I will never do it again.

I am not *thrilled* with SO's current set of friends. There's nothing wrong with them, but I just find them somewhat dull. However, they probably find me dull as well.

I agree with amanda, if it's not an extreme situation, just keep your mouth shut.

elle tee · Jun 24th, 2008, 03:26 PM

I agree with the majority here that you shouldn't say anything unless the friends are making you feel unsafe, or are hitting on you. The only thing you can say is to your SO, in private when his friends aren't around, something along the lines of "Hey, I'm glad you have friends and you get to see them often, and I understand that you like having them over, but sometimes it's a little much for me- do you think sometimes, you guys could go to someone else's place or have a night out? And if you have them over to our place, it would mean a lot to me if you made sure that they didn't leave a mess for me to clean up. I would really appreciate it!" Explain to him that you don't want to change his life completely and you would never dream of coming between him and his friends, you just want him to think about you, too, because two people share this space.
I have said something like that to my guy, and he totally understood and did not get mad. He used to want to include me in everything, which was sweet, but I finally had to say, you know, it's OK to have guy's time, and it will be better for all of us if you don't try to include me because I get irritable and uncomfortable and your friends feel funny. Now, we have no problem!

Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:04 PM	#2
amanda I Bleed Georgia Red Joined: Oct 2005 Location: Athens, GA Posts: 8,905	If the worst thing they're doing is being kinda immature and annoying, and sometimes messy, then you probably need to NOT make this an issue. As long as it doesn't result in your BF treating you worse or differently, then this is one of those battles you just shouldn't pick, IMO. Any person that complains about their SOs friends treads in the very dangerous territory of eventually making someone choose between them and their friends (or at least giving the impression of that choice, eventually). This is ALWAYS going to make you look like the evil one, unless there's a real, quantifiable issue that these friends are causing (they're bringing illegal drugs into the house, they're dangerous, they're mean to you). From what you described, it just sounds like they're normal young guys hanging out with their buddy, and the fact that you are all of a sudden present after not being there to comment on their behavior probably doesn't make them think that they need to change how they've always acted at your SO's apartment. If the issues are worth the fight, then talk to your SO about how his friends act, but really, I think this is one of those things you should just learn to deal with unless there are specific, unacceptable incidents that are heinously disrespectful to you (a friend grabbing you, waking you up in the middle of the night during the work week, etc). If they're just kind of smelly, noisy, regular dudes, then you're going to have to learn to be patient. Some guys are just like that. The fact that you've already made him defensive about it is not a good sign. You're not going to make your living situation any easier to adjust to if you automatically move in and start criticizing the people that your SO loves. __________________ PROUD TO BE A UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA BULLDOG! Read my blog: http://graduationday.wordpress.com

Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:06 PM	#3
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 3,537	Guys always seem to be protective of their friends. Don't know what that's about! Maybe he'll grow out of them? Go make some friends, girl! Or find some girls to introduce his friends to! __________________

Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:50 PM	#6
lovinalotofbags Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: Carolinas Posts: 1,329	Jhazn, I can put myself in your shoes. Friends or not, they should be considerate of you and your home and not do what they want to do. Your BF, guy or not, should consider your feelings. I can picture myself sitting down in front of them and having a little conversation with them, one-sided of course. Talk to your BF about this without getting into a fight. You should approach him calmly and he should listen and understand where you are coming from with maturity. Good luck, hope everything works out. I know I would not put up with it just b/c of who I am. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:06 PM	#9
carvedwords ♥ Joined: Apr 2007 Location: beautiful Southern California! Posts: 2,704	Unless, it's an extreme situation and they cross the line, you shouldn't press on this issue. My DF really got angry when I pressed on this issue and he made me realize he needs to have time with his friends. It's really not something that needs to brought up. __________________ WISHLIST: ... LV Mahina Noir XL (HOLYYYYY GRAIILLLLL!!!!) ... LV Galliera GM ... LV Nimbus Perle GM ... LV Greta GM ... LV Pomme Rodeo Drive

Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:49 PM	#11
MonkeyGirl My Future Baby!!! Joined: Dec 2007 Location: L.V. Lalaland ;) Posts: 1,153	i agree with previous posts that unless they do something to you, then it is just something that you will have to deal with it. maybe with a bit of luck they will change after a while or your bf will make new friends __________________ My Hopefuls LV Damier Ebony Speedy 30 (Christmas time!!) [] Chanel Inimitable Waterproof Multi-Dimensionnel Mascara [] Marc Jacobs Daisy Perfume [] Tiffany & Co. Elsa Peretti Starfish Pendant [] Ed Hardy Women's S/S V-Neck Tee, "Peace Cross" in Off White [] Chanel Le Vernis Robertson Exclusive Rodeo Drive Nail Polish [] Dooney & Bourke Sweetheart Small Coin Case [] 291 Spirit Long Sleeve Off Shoulder Sweatshirt []

Jun 23rd, 2008, 07:46 PM	#1
jhazn85 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Location: New York Posts: 411	i've always heard that when you don't like your boyfriend's friends, it's a bad sign. i've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and i just don't like most of his friends. i don't know why, they are just all so immature and annoying, and when they come over to our apartment, they are inconsiderate and are messy and do whatever the hell they want. my bf gets sooooo defensive about them--he's the type of guy who will do anything for his friends, which is also annoying. i'm really frustrated because we recently moved in together and i don't know anyone around this area...obviously i didn't ask him to quit his job so i had to move to where he is because i just graduated from grad school and i don't have a job yet. i don't know anyone and i'm forced to hang out with his friends all the time. it's like if my bf doesn't hang out with his friends for a while, he's going to die and he HAS to hang out with them. i don't know what to do. does anyone else have this problem? i feel so selfish and bitchy but i can't help how i feel.

Jun 23rd, 2008, 08:08 PM	#4
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 223	i agree that unless his friends really do something to cross the line then you should just keep quiet, guys can be very influenced by their friends and its best to not put yourself in that situation where his friends are talking negatively about you. i hated my boyfriends best friend for a really long time but he ended up stealing from my boyfriend and their no longer friends anymore which worked out for me but still a bad situation.... anyways they sound like their just being guys and i'd try to befriend them

Jun 23rd, 2008, 10:04 PM	#8
guccimamma guccimamma Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 2,642	my husband's friends were an immature bunch of jerks when i met him...and they were several years older than me. eventually they all met great women, got great jobs, and became great guys. i honestly love all of them now...well almost all of them. they grew up. it took a while, but they all did.

Jun 23rd, 2008, 11:41 PM	#12
April_Skye we CAN have it all Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 602	^^Speaking of making new friends, maybe when hes got the boys over, you should go out and have some fun too! :) You say you dont have many friends, well, this can be your chance to get back out there and meet people. And even if its not social, sometimes when the rowdy boys are getting on your nerves, you should escape for some relaxing 'me' time. Go out, explore, find some cool new hangouts and meet people. Its a win-win :) __________________ Live Now. Kill The Boredom *On shopping ban until 1st August!! Can she do it?*

Jun 23rd, 2008, 11:58 PM	#13
yvalenz So Stinkin' Tired!! Joined: Jun 2007 Location: So Cal Posts: 2,810	Sorry...but I totally disagree with not addressing or pushing this issue. If he's treating their home together as a bachelor pad, then he's not respecting her or her place in that home. You absolutely need to speak to him about it in a productive way. Don't do the "you and your friends are pigs" routine. You have to let him know how you feel and make a compromise. Maybe they can come over once a week/every other week, and you leave when they are there. That's what I do - it's a free shopping day for me when the guys are all here. All I ask is that they pick up after themselves - and remind them in a nice way when I'm walking out the door. I joke about "Okay guys, I cooked - you clean. I'm not coming home to a messy house so pick up, 'kay? Don't make give you guys a time out" guess what - they do it! BUT - there is one person that is not allowed in our home. Ever. He is completely rude, disrespectful, has made inappropriate sexual and racial comments towards me, and I was not going to allow it. It's MY home too and I should not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. our home. I let dh know this - he didn't see anything this guy did was a big deal - "that's just how he is"....sorry. I'm not like that, I won't allow it, and you can choose-him or me. period. So, yes, speak up. Compromise. Yes, boys need their boy time. Give it to them, but also claim your space in your new home together. There's always an adjustment period when moving in together, and this is going to be one of them. You're not just the "girlfriend" anymore - you're the "live-in girlfriend". Good luck __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ???

Jun 24th, 2008, 03:26 PM	#15
elle tee Member Joined: Dec 2006 Location: nyc Posts: 1,631	I agree with the majority here that you shouldn't say anything unless the friends are making you feel unsafe, or are hitting on you. The only thing you can say is to your SO, in private when his friends aren't around, something along the lines of "Hey, I'm glad you have friends and you get to see them often, and I understand that you like having them over, but sometimes it's a little much for me- do you think sometimes, you guys could go to someone else's place or have a night out? And if you have them over to our place, it would mean a lot to me if you made sure that they didn't leave a mess for me to clean up. I would really appreciate it!" Explain to him that you don't want to change his life completely and you would never dream of coming between him and his friends, you just want him to think about you, too, because two people share this space. I have said something like that to my guy, and he totally understood and did not get mad. He used to want to include me in everything, which was sweet, but I finally had to say, you know, it's OK to have guy's time, and it will be better for all of us if you don't try to include me because I get irritable and uncomfortable and your friends feel funny. Now, we have no problem! __________________