Do women confide too much -- is this our main way of bonding?

IntlSet · Jun 11th, 2008, 03:20 PM

I'm curious to hear your thoughts. I think guys bond by "doing" more so than women (sorry to generalize, I'm sure someone will vehemently disagree). We like to talk. Especially about problems, or so it seems.

A dear, dear older family friend called me on my birthday. I LOVE her to death and am so grateful for all she's done for me... but I feel like she mostly wants to hear about my problems. We'll not talk for a year (we live very far apart) but immediately it'll launch into a conversation about "issues."

The tone of voice, how and what questions she chooses to ask, mostly feel like they are meant to engage me in some kind of dialogue about what's going wrong in my life versus what's going well. I do not for a minute believe it's out of malice or anything like that. I think it's genuine interest and concern... and a way to make us feel closer to one another. It seems that we have an easier time sharing the bad times than the good.

I realize that she's one of many female friends that does this. I have almost no male friends who encourage me to confide in them.

Anyone know what I'm trying to say? Are many of your female friends like this also?

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 11th, 2008, 04:30 PM

I don't have any friends like this, but I have encountered this type. Some people like drama and enjoy hearing about drama and bad times more than good times. I am learning to be more of an ear when someone needs it and less to talk about my issues. Sometimes venting is good, you just have to be careful who you're venting to.

Jahpson · Jun 11th, 2008, 04:30 PM

My best friend is kind of like that. She asks me how is everything going especially since I been through alot. At first I was thinking wow is she really nose-e (cant spell) but I think she genuinuely cares.

With guys, they like to bottle things up inside and let it eat away at them. With us, if we are upset or bothered, most times we will let someone know (at least me). I find when you open up about what is going on with your life, its refreshing when the person your conversing with has gone through the same if not similar thing.

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 11th, 2008, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JahpsonLoveYou

My best friend is kind of like that. She asks me how is everything going especially since I been through alot. At first I was thinking wow is she really nose-e (cant spell) but I think she genuinuely cares.

With guys, they like to bottle things up inside and let it eat away at them. With us, if we are upset or bothered, most times we will let someone know (at least me). I find when you open up about what is going on with your life, its refreshing when the person your conversing with has gone through the same if not similar thing.

I agree! and in my rant forgot to add this

lovinalotofbags · Jun 11th, 2008, 05:37 PM

Women like to talk about their feelings and express what is going on with them. We get things out or at least try to. Gossipers, nosy busy bodies aside, we are more emotional beings than men. We are nurturers and caregivers. It's what we do.

maddog · Jun 11th, 2008, 05:59 PM

I totally agree. I think women do talk about problems and issues a lot. Perhaps too much even. I think it's great to be able to discuss when there genuinely are problems, but it shouldn't be the only conversation topic.

I notice some friends who seem to only seek out problems, and that's when it gets annoying for me. Like, if I write them saying "sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been busy with work", one will keep asking what's wrong, and that I seem upset, which leaves me really confused. Or the ones that want to keep talking about my relationship problems. Or even accusing me of doing "retail therapy" because I now am willing to buy more nice stuff.

I'm still friends with them though, they are great people, and I have no problem with listening if they want to talk about their problems, nor do I have a problem talking to them if there truly is something weighing on me. I just feel at times we don't know when we cross the line, so I've been trying to keep the "negative vibe" down to a minimum. Interesting thing is I noticed a couple people have distanced themselves from me a bit after that.

IntlSet · Jun 11th, 2008, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddog

I totally agree. I think women do talk about problems and issues a lot. Perhaps too much even. I think it's great to be able to discuss when there genuinely are problems, but it shouldn't be the only conversation topic.

I notice some friends who seem to only seek out problems, and that's when it gets annoying for me. Like, if I write them saying "sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been busy with work", one will keep asking what's wrong, and that I seem upset, which leaves me really confused.

Yes, yes! Exactly what I mean! Thank you for understanding.

illinirdhd · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IntlSet

A dear, dear older family friend called me on my birthday. I LOVE her to death and am so grateful for all she's done for me... but I feel like she mostly wants to hear about my problems. We'll not talk for a year (we live very far apart) but immediately it'll launch into a conversation about "issues."

The tone of voice, how and what questions she chooses to ask, mostly feel like they are meant to engage me in some kind of dialogue about what's going wrong in my life versus what's going well. I do not for a minute believe it's out of malice or anything like that. I think it's genuine interest and concern... and a way to make us feel closer to one another. It seems that we have an easier time sharing the bad times than the good.

I completely get what you're saying. My mom does that. I often think that she's more content when there's some crisis going on. When my dad was sick, she was all about nursing him back to health (ok, that's what she was supposed to do!) and nothing else mattered. When family friends are going through a divorce or a breakup, she's in the middle of it, getting the play by play. She takes every opportunity (it seems) to throw my past bad relationship choices back at me. Just last night, she read a card to me that she found from when I was going through a nasty breakup. What for??? That was at least 7 years ago! I was 23 or 24! I'm over 30 and married now. What for? Then when nothing particularly interesting is going on in or around our family, she calls me looking for problems. "Are you sure you guys are ok?" "How is your husband's cholesterol?" "Are you losing any weight (even though I never tell her when I'm dieting)?" "Have you heard from your ex?" It feels like she's stirring up issues, looking for drama. She would vehemently deny that she does this, but I've known her my whole life, and it's exactly what she does.

I have to admit, though, that (probably because I have very little drama in my own life) I do listen to my friends' sagas with genuine interest. I want to be there for them, and give them good advice, but I also find myself being pulled into their drama, waiting for the next thing to happen - it's kind of like trying not to watch what's going on at an accident site.

There's one thing I've learned though. When DH and I have a problem, I don't vent it to friends, and certainly not to my mother. We resolve issues together. I don't want my friends or my mom judging him based on a silly fight we might have had. It's easy to convert your own friends or family to seeing your side of a disagreement, and they can often hold a grudge, even after you've moved on.

There's a comedy skit - maybe Bill Engvall - about a friend getting divorced. The long and short of it is:
Husband: "John and Amy are getting a divorce."
Wife: "Why?"
Husband: "I don't know."
Wife: "What do you mean you don't know? What happened? Didn't he tell you? Why didn't you ASK?"
Husband: "Because men don't ask questions. He gave me the information, and that was that."

So yeah, guys might talk about stuff, but I think in very general terms. Men underanalyze and women overanalyze.

stellamaried · Jun 11th, 2008, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

Men underanalyze and women overanalyze.

So true!

GirlFriday · Jun 12th, 2008, 12:31 AM

I have girlfriends that I tell different things to. The ones that like the bad news I'll complain to about what's bothering me, and they kind of validate me more and make me feel okay about myself for being angry/upset about whatever's bothering me. There's other girlfriends that would be there in a true crisis, but they're so positive, I don't want to bring them down with my complaining.

That being said, I think there are SOME vicious people that LOVE to tell the bad news, and they're looking for dirt, so they tend to stir things and get people riled up, either by manipulating the situation or by lying. I think those people are more rare, but that's why I wait to get to know people before I confide too much in them.

maggie7 · Jun 12th, 2008, 03:07 AM

illinirdhd, I know it's not funny, but your post about your mum made me chuckle..I have one of them as well..much happier if there is some tragic drama going on..which very rarely happens in this household, touch wood...(I think it secretly annoys the hell out of her, although she does want us to be happy...just not too happy, if you know what I mean, LOL, we could get a bit smug...)

Some people, and especially women, thrive on drama, just need something catastrophic to talk about it...

Sorry intl, I don't think this is what you meant when you started this thread, just got a bit sidetracked...

I have a few good friends I trust with my life, they know everything (almost) about me, every up and down in our lives get discussed over some wine, knowing it will never go any further..I find that very liberating...half the time the problems look different (and less dramatic) with somebody else's take on it...you go out to lunch with all the weight of the world on your shoulders and come back feeling lighter, happier and a little drunk, who needs therapy??

illinirdhd · Jun 12th, 2008, 01:46 PM

maggie7 that is soooo my mom! It didn't bother me until a couple of years ago. I guess I always figured I could pick and choose what I share and what I don't. But now I've really started to believe that positive energy brings positive circumstances. The negative stuff drives me up a wall. I'm always more than happy to listen to friends/family about their problems and try to help them. But when I feel like a broken record - offering the same advce over and over to someone who won't act on it and would rather whine - it's just too much.

Lately, when it comes to drama and negativity, I'd rather see it unfold on TV than in real life!

bagnshoofetish · Jun 12th, 2008, 10:23 PM

I'm more of a listener and all my friends have always used me like their personal psychotherapist. Even my guy friends. I hardly ever talk about my own issues with my friends because I never want to be a burden to any of them and I know they would not feel that way but thats just me. My DH is my very best friend and he's the one I tell everything to and he does the same.

Bagluvluv · Jun 12th, 2008, 10:24 PM

Yes...I totally know what you mean!

Most of my friends either wants me to hear and discuss the things going wrong..and seem to focus so much on it...than other, more interesting things.

Honeslty, I try to get my friends to pay golf or go places and do things...but it ends up being a session of complaining and comparing.....

Jun 11th, 2008, 03:20 PM	#1
IntlSet Bonjour! Location: Chicago	Do women confide too much -- is this our main way of bonding? I'm curious to hear your thoughts. I think guys bond by "doing" more so than women (sorry to generalize, I'm sure someone will vehemently disagree). We like to talk. Especially about problems, or so it seems. A dear, dear older family friend called me on my birthday. I LOVE her to death and am so grateful for all she's done for me... but I feel like she mostly wants to hear about my problems. We'll not talk for a year (we live very far apart) but immediately it'll launch into a conversation about "issues." The tone of voice, how and what questions she chooses to ask, mostly feel like they are meant to engage me in some kind of dialogue about what's going wrong in my life versus what's going well. I do not for a minute believe it's out of malice or anything like that. I think it's genuine interest and concern... and a way to make us feel closer to one another. It seems that we have an easier time sharing the bad times than the good. I realize that she's one of many female friends that does this. I have almost no male friends who encourage me to confide in them. Anyone know what I'm trying to say? Are many of your female friends like this also? __________________ www.drinkmorechampagne.com

Jun 11th, 2008, 04:30 PM	#2
~Fabulousity~ SuperCoolLoveThang	I don't have any friends like this, but I have encountered this type. Some people like drama and enjoy hearing about drama and bad times more than good times. I am learning to be more of an ear when someone needs it and less to talk about my issues. Sometimes venting is good, you just have to be careful who you're venting to. __________________ Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Jun 11th, 2008, 04:30 PM	#3
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	My best friend is kind of like that. She asks me how is everything going especially since I been through alot. At first I was thinking wow is she really nose-e (cant spell) but I think she genuinuely cares. With guys, they like to bottle things up inside and let it eat away at them. With us, if we are upset or bothered, most times we will let someone know (at least me). I find when you open up about what is going on with your life, its refreshing when the person your conversing with has gone through the same if not similar thing. __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jun 11th, 2008, 05:37 PM	#5
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	Women like to talk about their feelings and express what is going on with them. We get things out or at least try to. Gossipers, nosy busy bodies aside, we are more emotional beings than men. We are nurturers and caregivers. It's what we do. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 12th, 2008, 01:46 PM	#12
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	maggie7 that is soooo my mom! It didn't bother me until a couple of years ago. I guess I always figured I could pick and choose what I share and what I don't. But now I've really started to believe that positive energy brings positive circumstances. The negative stuff drives me up a wall. I'm always more than happy to listen to friends/family about their problems and try to help them. But when I feel like a broken record - offering the same advce over and over to someone who won't act on it and would rather whine - it's just too much. Lately, when it comes to drama and negativity, I'd rather see it unfold on TV than in real life! __________________

Jun 11th, 2008, 05:59 PM	#6
maddog Mmmkay	I totally agree. I think women do talk about problems and issues a lot. Perhaps too much even. I think it's great to be able to discuss when there genuinely are problems, but it shouldn't be the only conversation topic. I notice some friends who seem to only seek out problems, and that's when it gets annoying for me. Like, if I write them saying "sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been busy with work", one will keep asking what's wrong, and that I seem upset, which leaves me really confused. Or the ones that want to keep talking about my relationship problems. Or even accusing me of doing "retail therapy" because I now am willing to buy more nice stuff. I'm still friends with them though, they are great people, and I have no problem with listening if they want to talk about their problems, nor do I have a problem talking to them if there truly is something weighing on me. I just feel at times we don't know when we cross the line, so I've been trying to keep the "negative vibe" down to a minimum. Interesting thing is I noticed a couple people have distanced themselves from me a bit after that.

Jun 12th, 2008, 12:31 AM	#10
GirlFriday Member	I have girlfriends that I tell different things to. The ones that like the bad news I'll complain to about what's bothering me, and they kind of validate me more and make me feel okay about myself for being angry/upset about whatever's bothering me. There's other girlfriends that would be there in a true crisis, but they're so positive, I don't want to bring them down with my complaining. That being said, I think there are SOME vicious people that LOVE to tell the bad news, and they're looking for dirt, so they tend to stir things and get people riled up, either by manipulating the situation or by lying. I think those people are more rare, but that's why I wait to get to know people before I confide too much in them.

Jun 12th, 2008, 03:07 AM	#11
maggie7 Member Location: Australia	illinirdhd, I know it's not funny, but your post about your mum made me chuckle..I have one of them as well..much happier if there is some tragic drama going on..which very rarely happens in this household, touch wood...(I think it secretly annoys the hell out of her, although she does want us to be happy...just not too happy, if you know what I mean, LOL, we could get a bit smug...) Some people, and especially women, thrive on drama, just need something catastrophic to talk about it... Sorry intl, I don't think this is what you meant when you started this thread, just got a bit sidetracked... I have a few good friends I trust with my life, they know everything (almost) about me, every up and down in our lives get discussed over some wine, knowing it will never go any further..I find that very liberating...half the time the problems look different (and less dramatic) with somebody else's take on it...you go out to lunch with all the weight of the world on your shoulders and come back feeling lighter, happier and a little drunk, who needs therapy??

Jun 12th, 2008, 10:23 PM	#13
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	I'm more of a listener and all my friends have always used me like their personal psychotherapist. Even my guy friends. I hardly ever talk about my own issues with my friends because I never want to be a burden to any of them and I know they would not feel that way but thats just me. My DH is my very best friend and he's the one I tell everything to and he does the same. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 12th, 2008, 10:24 PM	#14
Bagluvluv Think, Think, Think! Location: On my cell	Yes...I totally know what you mean! Most of my friends either wants me to hear and discuss the things going wrong..and seem to focus so much on it...than other, more interesting things. Honeslty, I try to get my friends to pay golf or go places and do things...but it ends up being a session of complaining and comparing..... __________________ Want for everybody, all that you want for yourself-----Wallace D. Wattles I'm soooo done....