Do I cut my losses or keep trying??? (Advice needed)

marie1124 · Jul 1st, 2008, 10:25 AM

OK, so this is a new name, yes, but I'm not a troll just first off so you all know (I know having 2 names is against the rules and I'm fine with this one being deleted I just have to get this off my chest and I don't want everyone knowing who i am)

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I do a lot of things for him. I even bought him a car recently. He always pays me back so I'm not too worried about that. I bought a house for us, too because he said paying rent is stupid. I cook and clean and I try real hard to make him happy but sometimes it just gets old you know? Anyway, when he drinks we get in some pretty good screaming matches and he's really hateful and acts like he's all miserable and unhappy. But then when he's sober he acts like everything is fine. I've caught him attempting to cheat on me in the past through craigs list, but he hasn't done that in a while. He also emails constantly with this girl he was friends with in school, and in his most recent email to her he tells her how he's with the wrong girl and how unhappy he is and that as soon as he sells off all of the junk he has accumulated here at our house he will be leaving me, and then he asks her not to tell me this so I don't "kick him out" before he's ready to leave. He says it'll be like next spring sometime or something. (don't ask how I know all this, but it's true)

I can make the mortgage payment, without his help, but it will be really hard on me financially. And also I do care about him a lot but to be honest our sex life has gone downhill where it used to be great, and alot of times the things he does just annoy the almighty heck out of me and I don't feel those nice lil' butterflies anymore. What I am wondering is what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I've tried really really hard to make it work, and we do have a couple of things in common but just not very many and I don't know if it's time to cut my losses and move on or not. I really do care about him but. Two weeks ago we were discussing getting MARRIED next spring, and now I find this out, but when I ask him if he's happy he says yes and smiles and hugs me. he is kind of notorious for being a liar and I hope this all makes sense as I'm typing this I'm pretty upset after reading that email. What do I do? Do I try to make it work? I have to admit I don't much care anymore because I'm tired of trying and trying. But I don't know if I should end it or not because it will be really hard on me financially physically and emotionally and we've tried to talk about our problems before and come to a solution and it works for a few weeks but then it doesn't anymore. please give me any advice you can, thank you so much you all.

Cristina · Jul 1st, 2008, 10:48 AM

Marie,

As you know, having more than one username is against tPF rules. I had to ban your pseudonym.

As far as the situation with your boyfriend goes, it is obviously not healthy for you to continue staying in this relationship. You have bought this man a car, put your name on a mortgage, all so that he can hurt you like you have described? You are getting nothing out of this relationship, and you're clearly unhappy.

Do you have proof of his attempted cheating, emailing this other woman, etc.? If so, round everything up so that you have backing as to why you're going to kick him out. Then what do you do? Tell him to move out. After all, it's your home. If you can afford it, even if it will be a stretch, it's worth it. When it comes to your happiness and a stable, fulfilling relationship, don't worry about finances. The first thing to do is grant his wish - break up with him, have him move out, and begin actually living your life. This guy is draining you, and you don't need that stress in your life anymore.

~Fabulousity~ · Jul 1st, 2008, 10:49 AM

A relationship can only work if both people are willing to make it work. Its sounds like he wants out and unfortunately no matter how hard you try there is nothing you can do to change that. I would confront him and kick his a$$ out you have nothing to loose since he's planning to leave you anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this but look at the bright side and be grateful you found him out.

LadyLinda · Jul 1st, 2008, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

A relationship can only work if both people are willing to make it work. Its sounds like he wants out and unfortunately no matter how hard you try there is nothing you can do to change that. I would confront him and kick his a$$ out you have nothing to loose since he's planning to leave you anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this but look at the bright side and be grateful you found him out.

What she said. Sadly, this man is moving away from your relationship. He's also being sneaky about it. If you are sure he is cheating, move on, for your own sake. It's so hard to go through this betrayal and losing something you really hoped for, but you can do better. Really, you can.

Jahpson · Jul 1st, 2008, 11:16 AM

Don't run after a man who doesn't love you. A smile and hug is something anybody can do.

I think you know what you should do. But do you want to do it?

keya · Jul 1st, 2008, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

A relationship can only work if both people are willing to make it work. Its sounds like he wants out and unfortunately no matter how hard you try there is nothing you can do to change that. I would confront him and kick his a$$ out you have nothing to loose since he's planning to leave you anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this but look at the bright side and be grateful you found him out.

ITA.
You already know he's going to leave you (my guess is he's waiting until he has another girl ready to take him in) and in his emails he basically says that your relationship isn't going anywhere, so if I were you I'd cut my losses and kick him out asap. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

poppyluver · Jul 1st, 2008, 11:54 AM

You seem like a very rational person since you're not in denial about who he is or any of his actions. I think you should cut your losses now while you have less to lose.

You said that its going to be hard for you to make your mortgage payments. Can you reposses his car? Are you the one on title? Perhaps you can take it back and sell it and that would help you financially. Or get a roomie?

Its time to put yourself first.

maddog · Jul 1st, 2008, 12:16 PM

Let's summarize this:
- he plans on leaving when he's ready next spring
- he's a notorious liar
- you don't care whether you're with him anymore
- you're tired of trying
- he's an angry drunk
- you give more than you take

Like poppyluver said, secretly see if you can reposess the car. I'd kick him out pronto and change the lock! Why let him have the upperhand when you do? Financial, emotional, and mental turmoil is going to be there no matter what. You won't have problems paying the mortgage, so just be a little tighter on other things and you'll be fine.

rendodan110 · Jul 1st, 2008, 12:18 PM

I suggest leaving him, there are no marital tyes and no children, so kick his cheatin a$$ to the curb. and as for finances start looking for a room mate, rent a room and split the costs of household bills. maybe someone you work with then you could carpool and save gas too!

lovinalotofbags · Jul 1st, 2008, 12:36 PM

He already said he will sell his things and leave you, he is unhappy and you are the wrong girl for him. Kick him out now, not later, now. Carefully interview for a potential roommate and write everything out in black and white so they will understand and if not abide to, that they will have such and such time to move out. You do not want to be house poor trying to make payments. You need him out of your life, you will be sad but you do not want to be with someone who does not want you. Forget about when you were discussing marriage or whatever. DOOR, BUTT, KICK, OUT.

D1M3C · Jul 1st, 2008, 01:14 PM

If he's already saying you're the wrong girl and pursuing interests in other girls to find the right one, then don't let him live off you while he does his own thing! Clearly, you are a magnificent girl who deserves much more than this. You need to find someone that will be appreciative of the gifts you purchase and will actually buy things for you too. Like said above, relationships take two people to make it work, don't do all the work yourself!!

guccimamma · Jul 1st, 2008, 01:38 PM

give me his email address, i'll tell him to pack his stuff and get the heck out of your place.

let me do it!!!

razorbackbelle0 · Jul 1st, 2008, 01:57 PM

^^

I can see the email now....

HEY *&%# GET THE %$#* OUT NOW! I WILL BEAT YOU WITH MY LV LUGGAGE!

guccimamma · Jul 1st, 2008, 02:08 PM

^ that is exactly what i was thinking!

heat97 · Jul 1st, 2008, 02:08 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^

:roflmfao :

Jul 1st, 2008, 10:25 AM	#1
marie1124 Sofa King Banned Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 1	OK, so this is a new name, yes, but I'm not a troll just first off so you all know (I know having 2 names is against the rules and I'm fine with this one being deleted I just have to get this off my chest and I don't want everyone knowing who i am) I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I do a lot of things for him. I even bought him a car recently. He always pays me back so I'm not too worried about that. I bought a house for us, too because he said paying rent is stupid. I cook and clean and I try real hard to make him happy but sometimes it just gets old you know? Anyway, when he drinks we get in some pretty good screaming matches and he's really hateful and acts like he's all miserable and unhappy. But then when he's sober he acts like everything is fine. I've caught him attempting to cheat on me in the past through craigs list, but he hasn't done that in a while. He also emails constantly with this girl he was friends with in school, and in his most recent email to her he tells her how he's with the wrong girl and how unhappy he is and that as soon as he sells off all of the junk he has accumulated here at our house he will be leaving me, and then he asks her not to tell me this so I don't "kick him out" before he's ready to leave. He says it'll be like next spring sometime or something. (don't ask how I know all this, but it's true) I can make the mortgage payment, without his help, but it will be really hard on me financially. And also I do care about him a lot but to be honest our sex life has gone downhill where it used to be great, and alot of times the things he does just annoy the almighty heck out of me and I don't feel those nice lil' butterflies anymore. What I am wondering is what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I've tried really really hard to make it work, and we do have a couple of things in common but just not very many and I don't know if it's time to cut my losses and move on or not. I really do care about him but. Two weeks ago we were discussing getting MARRIED next spring, and now I find this out, but when I ask him if he's happy he says yes and smiles and hugs me. he is kind of notorious for being a liar and I hope this all makes sense as I'm typing this I'm pretty upset after reading that email. What do I do? Do I try to make it work? I have to admit I don't much care anymore because I'm tired of trying and trying. But I don't know if I should end it or not because it will be really hard on me financially physically and emotionally and we've tried to talk about our problems before and come to a solution and it works for a few weeks but then it doesn't anymore. please give me any advice you can, thank you so much you all. Last edited by marie1124; Jul 1st, 2008 at 10:37 AM.

Jul 1st, 2008, 10:48 AM	#2
Cristina Joined: Oct 2005 Location: South Florida Posts: 11,264	Marie, As you know, having more than one username is against tPF rules. I had to ban your pseudonym. As far as the situation with your boyfriend goes, it is obviously not healthy for you to continue staying in this relationship. You have bought this man a car, put your name on a mortgage, all so that he can hurt you like you have described? You are getting nothing out of this relationship, and you're clearly unhappy. Do you have proof of his attempted cheating, emailing this other woman, etc.? If so, round everything up so that you have backing as to why you're going to kick him out. Then what do you do? Tell him to move out. After all, it's your home. If you can afford it, even if it will be a stretch, it's worth it. When it comes to your happiness and a stable, fulfilling relationship, don't worry about finances. The first thing to do is grant his wish - break up with him, have him move out, and begin actually living your life. This guy is draining you, and you don't need that stress in your life anymore. __________________ i found out recently that you are leaving, for good i hope i softly tell my ceiling it's better now to be alive, sleeping is my nine to five i'm having nightmares all the time, of running out of words that rhyme everything that you could never say, would never matter anyway i took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago in case you're wondering, i'm singing about growing up about giving in

Jul 1st, 2008, 10:49 AM	#3
~Fabulousity~ "Yes we can!" Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Creating my life... Posts: 4,726	A relationship can only work if both people are willing to make it work. Its sounds like he wants out and unfortunately no matter how hard you try there is nothing you can do to change that. I would confront him and kick his a$$ out you have nothing to loose since he's planning to leave you anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this but look at the bright side and be grateful you found him out. __________________ Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Jul 1st, 2008, 12:18 PM	#9
rendodan110 Danielle Joined: Oct 2007 Location: Northern Colorado Posts: 1,428	I suggest leaving him, there are no marital tyes and no children, so kick his cheatin a$$ to the curb. and as for finances start looking for a room mate, rent a room and split the costs of household bills. maybe someone you work with then you could carpool and save gas too! __________________ my wishlist violates signature size regulations. add me on myspace.http://www.myspace.com/danielle1972 "Men have forgotten this truth," "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.-Antoine de Saint-Exupery The Little Prince

Jul 1st, 2008, 12:36 PM	#10
lovinalotofbags Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: Carolinas Posts: 1,329	He already said he will sell his things and leave you, he is unhappy and you are the wrong girl for him. Kick him out now, not later, now. Carefully interview for a potential roommate and write everything out in black and white so they will understand and if not abide to, that they will have such and such time to move out. You do not want to be house poor trying to make payments. You need him out of your life, you will be sad but you do not want to be with someone who does not want you. Forget about when you were discussing marriage or whatever. DOOR, BUTT, KICK, OUT. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jul 1st, 2008, 11:16 AM	#5
Jahpson I'mma Do Me......... Joined: Aug 2007 Location: The Playground Posts: 8,728	Don't run after a man who doesn't love you. A smile and hug is something anybody can do. I think you know what you should do. But do you want to do it?

Jul 1st, 2008, 11:54 AM	#7
poppyluver Member Joined: Apr 2007 Location: California Posts: 181	You seem like a very rational person since you're not in denial about who he is or any of his actions. I think you should cut your losses now while you have less to lose. You said that its going to be hard for you to make your mortgage payments. Can you reposses his car? Are you the one on title? Perhaps you can take it back and sell it and that would help you financially. Or get a roomie? Its time to put yourself first.

Jul 1st, 2008, 12:16 PM	#8
maddog Mmmkay Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 1,082	Let's summarize this: - he plans on leaving when he's ready next spring - he's a notorious liar - you don't care whether you're with him anymore - you're tired of trying - he's an angry drunk - you give more than you take Like poppyluver said, secretly see if you can reposess the car. I'd kick him out pronto and change the lock! Why let him have the upperhand when you do? Financial, emotional, and mental turmoil is going to be there no matter what. You won't have problems paying the mortgage, so just be a little tighter on other things and you'll be fine.

Jul 1st, 2008, 01:14 PM	#11
D1M3C Still a Daddy's Girl Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 36	If he's already saying you're the wrong girl and pursuing interests in other girls to find the right one, then don't let him live off you while he does his own thing! Clearly, you are a magnificent girl who deserves much more than this. You need to find someone that will be appreciative of the gifts you purchase and will actually buy things for you too. Like said above, relationships take two people to make it work, don't do all the work yourself!! __________________ Danielle Marie Rip Daddy 09/07/59 -- 02/02/08 Always in my heart

Jul 1st, 2008, 01:38 PM	#12
guccimamma guccimamma Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 2,642	give me his email address, i'll tell him to pack his stuff and get the heck out of your place. let me do it!!!

Jul 1st, 2008, 01:57 PM	#13
razorbackbelle0 Sofa King Banned Joined: Mar 2007 Location: Raiding PBC's closet... shh! Posts: 7,198	^^ I can see the email now.... HEY &%# GET THE %$# OUT NOW! I WILL BEAT YOU WITH MY LV LUGGAGE!

Jul 1st, 2008, 02:08 PM	#14
guccimamma guccimamma Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 2,642	^ that is exactly what i was thinking!

Jul 1st, 2008, 02:08 PM	#15
heat97 Member Joined: Nov 2006 Location: NYC Posts: 829	^^^^^^^^^^^:roflmfao : __________________ "I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet"