[talexs]

Ok- I have never posted anything about my relationship, I'm a pretty private person, but I could really use some advice. Here's the deal, sorry if this gets to be kind of long, I have a tendency to go off on tangents.

I met my boyfriend, or whatever the hell he is, about 15 months ago. We met through a mutual friend and when I first met him I couldn't stand him, but he called and called and texted and eventually completely and totally won me over. I have to admit I have never been a real girly girl when it comes to relationships, but this guy completely and totally swept me off of my feet.

For the first 10 months everything was great and I had never been as happy as I was then. But I am a tough cookie and live in fear of being perceived as needy so sometimes it seems as though I am being standoffish and I don't think I ever did a particularly good job of letting him know how I felt about him.

Well this brings me to my issue. Lately, meaning the past few months, he and I rarely talk and we don't make the time to see each other. (I live in Philly and he lives about 4 hours away so this is a long distance thing. I also travel a TON for work and he is pretty high up in his company and has a lot of work obligations.) I guess I'm wondering if this is over, or if it's just a rough patch. We haven't seen each other for a month and a half and I just feel as though the fact we aren't talking as much is his way of dumping me without actually doing it. I don't want to be a dumb girl, but I am crazy about this guy. What do I do?

I know this may not make a ton of sense and I could go on forever, but I don't want to bore all of you, but some advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, one last thing, he tells me that I should put more effort in bc that is how long distance things work, but whenever I do I feel as though it isn't reciporcated. I think he almost does this as "punishment" for things I have done in the past. The most recent dumb thing being when we were talking over brunch about a mutual friend of ours who is having a hard time finding a girlfriend and is really lonely I just busted out and said, "I don't see what's so wroing with being single. I've been single for the past 23 years of my life and I'm fine." Needless to say I think that was the nail in our relationship coffin, we didn't talk for the rest of the afternoon and had a silent ride to the airport. I know this all seems dumb and the simple answer is to just tell him how I feel, but I feel as though I have been doing this and all of my I'm sorrys and things like that are just falling on deaf ears.

Well thanks for listening you guys.

[RowanOak]

I'd call him and tell him that though you have never been a "needy" person, that you've realized that you need HIM in your life. No "I'm sorry for past actions," but just show him that you want and need to be with him.

Just from what you've said, I'd say that he felt like he liked (loved?) you more than you did him. I almost *never* say for a girl to call a man unless they're in a serious relationship and are on equal grounds with each other. This is an exception though as I feel he thinks you're too independent (and are...but you're dependent on him).

I wouldn't bring up any of your past problems...just let him know that you're crazy about him and miss him. The worst that could happen is that he'd say he doesn't feel the same way anymore. You already are worried about that anyway, so where's the harm?

Call him.

[nooch]

Everything I was going to say, RowanOak already said! Hopefully it works out well.

Long distance relationships are TERRIBLE and cannot survive if the long distance doesn't eventually end... honestly, if neither of you are willing or able to eventually move for the other one it might not go on that much longer. Long distance is easier when you can see an end in sight.

[talexs]

RowanOak- Thanks for the advice. I couldn't agree with you anymore, especially with the last part. I do already feel as though we are over and wonder if I have even been replaced, so all this call can do is confirm my suspicions, and I guess the sooner I know either way the sooner I can make my next move. Here's the thing, and I def should've put this in my initial post...I called him a week ago and just left him a very vague "hope you're doing well" message and there was no call back. Ugh. men. I guess the worst part is knowing that all of this is my fault. I know that people would say that it takes 2 to screw up a relationship, but this is all me. He gave me a million chances and I just kept screwing up. Oh well I guess I could chalk this up to a learning experience. What's meant to be will be- and for what it's worth I think I do love him, I never thought I would be 23 and saying that

[talexs]

Thanks nooch. I had plans to move up there, but now that things aren't going as well as they once were I am hesitant to leave a really good job in Manhattan for a job in a much smaller market. He knows I was planning on moving up there, but would act annoyed bc I wouldn't talk about it all of the time. I didn't bc I just never know what he is thinking. He asked a few months ago if the plan was I would move up there and I told him yes, asked him why he was asking, and he said just checking, and that was that. Why can't he just say he wants me to move so that we're closer?

[VPT]

Originally Posted by talexs

Also, one last thing, he tells me that I should put more effort in bc that is how long distance things work, but whenever I do I feel as though it isn't reciporcated. I think he almost does this as "punishment" for things I have done in the past.

I think this bold portion answers some of your questions. He's probably been wondering the same for so long, wondering if you're really keen on him in the first place because perhaps you didn't seem as though you were putting in enough? Making a relationship work involves a whole lot of giving, give give give and not expecting anything in return. However if you feel you have "over-given" and feel you have been used, it will be time to bail.

Maybe you could read the book The Surrendererd Single by Laura Doyle, her book gives you the answers to how you're feeling. By the way this book was recommended to me by a lady friend who is not physically appealing but never had problems attracting quality guys. After I read the book I realized what a relationship really needs. I was in the midst of a long dist relationship at that time.

[talexs]

I don't mind giving any receiving nothing in return. I guess I just feel so stupid, especially if he's like this is over and that's why we haven't been talking and seeing each other as often and just assumes I'll pick up on this. But it's hard to tell bc we have gone long periods of time with very little contact, especially if I'm travelling a lot for work

[Sternchen]

Why not just ask him? I don't believe in the whole "the girl plays this role in a relationship and the man this role", because IMO both should just be themselves and the other should love and respect them for that. Just give him a ring and say "Hey, we need to have a talk here" or something along those lines.

I agree that your strategy for not trying to seem needy may have backfired on you, but I wouldn't say it's hopeless to start this relationship back on the right track. Sometimes people get busy and tend to focus on their work - I know it's that way with my husband and I sometimes! I focus on my school, he on his business, and the only thing we really do together during that time is spend time with our daughter.

But the first thing I would do is talk to him and see from there