DH and his gifts

[natalie78]

I know DH thinks so hard about the gifts he gives me and he really tries, but he is a horrible gift giver. When we get close to Xmas or by Bday, I will drop several hints about what I want. Those hints go right over his head...

A few years ago, he gave me a big ruby pendant necklace for my bday. I rarely wear jewelry and I thought the necklace was absolutely hideous. I ended up having to go back to the store to get a new chain. The salesperson told me that DH spent over an hour in the store picking it out. I felt horrible for not liking it. This year, he got me a handbag that I don't like at all. Again, I know he probably spent hours trying to figure out what to get me. And again, I feel like an *ss for not liking the gift.

I hate feeling ungrateful. I do love him and the fact that he puts so much thought into my gifts...I just don't like the gifts. I have been beating myself up all morning.

Anyone else ever feel the same way?

[exotikittenx]

Any gift my SO gives me (as long as it's not a cleaning device LOL) is fine with me because, well, it's a gift! I can buy things I want at any time, but to me, a gift is special because thought was put into it. Even if it isn't something I would have picked for myself (and I'll be honest, most of the time it isn't), I would never complain about it and I would still love the gift. Just use it occasionally to make him happy and enjoy it for its sentimental purposes-- the thought and love that went into it. Maybe you'll see it in a different way. I would also suggest NOT returning the item, because I think his feelings are worth more.

[amymaria]

Seems like a small issue to be having, so be glad for that at the least.

Can't give you real advice though besides feel lucky you have a man that wants to give taht time to pick out a present

[cookie888]

I know how you feel natalie78

I NEVER let my boyfriend of almost 6 years buy me anything. I even had to pick my own engagement ring! It's not that I don't trust him... or maybe it is, but I have a particular taste and we both agree that it's better to get something we/I like rather than live with something that's horrible. Considering the amounts of money spent it's the safest option.

I don't think it's being ungrateful but more of a case of assuring the right purchase.

Have you ever bought DH a gift that you know he doesn't like? Perhaps try buying something really aweful for him and see how he reacts as a test...

[natalie78]

I know I sound like a b*tch. And I do appreciate all the time and thought he puts into his choices. I wear the necklace occasionally and I will use the bag. I would never think of telling him anything or ever returning anything he gives me. I knew I would get flamed for my post, but I figured there would be at least a couple of ladies out there who know how I feel.

Thanks cookie888! I picked out my ring too. That was one thing that he insisted on.

[canada's]

Originally Posted by amymaria

Seems like a small issue to be having, so be glad for that at the least. Can't give you real advice though besides feel lucky you have a man that wants to give taht time to pick out a present

agreed.

i don't have much advice either, other than giving him a pre-approved list of thing you'd like for said occasion. some men aren't comfortable with this though.

i'm lucky when it comes to this. my SO listens me to me like crazy and i always end up with things i want/would have bought myself. once i was in his apartment and there was a little piece of paper on his desk that said, "decil black patent 37.5/38, simple pumps black patent 37.5." i have yet to receive either, but it was an incredibly thoughtful gesture to bother to write such a thing down as i blab on and on about shoes over the phone.

[chinahopes]

Maybe this will sound bad, but I am not shy with my dh about what I want and he always gets me exactly what I want or he just let's me get it myself. For xmas I wanted a speedy and he knew it.. I got it but I wasn't positive I was getting it until xmas morning, so it was still a pleasant surprise. My mother on the other hand is a terrible gift giver. She doesn't "know me" at all and thus he gifts just sit in the closet and she basically has wasted her money. I realize that probably sounds terrible. But to the OP, do yoiu feel you'd come off as ungrateful if you told him exactly what you wanted? (Am I the only one who does that?)

[Miss 2 A]

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you're feeling. You're being honest!

Is it not possible to maybe write a wishlist, either on your computer (on desktop if you share it) or just leave it around.

When it comes to gifts my SO is clueless and he admits it. And I don't talk about things I love (handbags/shoes/clothes is vague to them) and still I don't like constantly talking about things I wish I had/could have.

I'm realizing now I need to loosen up, communicate a bit more.
Some guys don't pick up hints if they're life depended on it!

Maybe if you go to the store or see someone wearing something just shout out "OMG, I LOVE THAT" or when you see something on tv. If you talk about "it" (name, model #, designer, style) enough it may stick.

I know it sounds silly but most of the time they're happy to get something that you love, and once you get it and use it/talk about it/show it off they'll be proud, trust me

Another issue as well which I saw in a post this morning here in the authentication forum was SO's buying fake things for us, thinking they're real. So if your husband isn't educated enough (the right sites/stores/having things authenticated) this could happen. This is another big issue with my SO, super paranoid now about fakes but before he could have fallen into it easily.

There are the guys like my dad (metrosexual) who had great taste and always bought great gifts for the girls in his life. And then there are others who just need some help and guidance, that's my $0.02

[una]

I can see where you're coming from, but know what, some of my family aren't mind readers/don't have the same taste as me and it shows in their gifts but I don't care. Not a jot. I'm happy to get the gift from someone who loves me. Life's too short for this to be one of my worries! :)

[Roo]

My DH is also a terrible gift giver. But it's not his fault, because I am super picky and fickle about what I like. Most of the time he will ask me what I want or tell me to go ahead and buy what I would like. It honestly does not bother me at all! What he is really good at is buying me cards and doing other things for me that I consider "gifts" from him, so it's all good.

[Miss 2 A]

I agree with you girls who say life is too short. And also on the flip side if your DH is the worrying kind (like my SO) then I usually prefer to just tell him what I want because otherwise he goes into a depression and gets VERY stressed if it's the right gift or if I'll like it. And life is too short for that, plus it pains me to see it.

[amanda]

I know it sounds like a nothing issue, but I had a boyfriend like this for quite a long time. He tried really hard, but he always completely missed the mark. Like, totally. And after a while, it made me wonder - is he actually paying attention? I'm a really, really good gift giver - it means a lot to me to be able to give someone something, and I try to make it something they'll really enjoy and find useful. So when you put so much effort into getting it right and making it a gift based on what you know of someone's personality and habits, it's kind of disconcerting to get, in return, a piece of jewelry that isn't anywhere near the same style as the stuff your SO sees you wear. I don't doubt that he was trying, but it made me think he didn't really understand me. And I'm not a person that hides her feelings about things well - it's always written all over my face, no matter what it is - so it wasn't really a case of being able to tell him I liked it and just wear it every now and then, because I couldn't control my initial reaction very much.

So I know, in the broad scheme of things, it's not a catastrophic problem. But I hated that he felt bad, and also hated that it made him look like he didn't know me as well as I knew him. Eventually he stopped trying to buy me fashion items and did a bit better after that - he was more successful with buying books, picking weekend trips we could enjoy together, etc. And I'd rather have that kind of gift anyway.

[Kansashalo]

I can understand how you feel, although hey - to look at the bright side, at least he gets you things are within the realm of something you may like (ex. you like handbags so he bought one lol).

I had an ex that was TOTALLY off base when it came to gifts. For a birthday, one year I got a Fry Daddy (WTF?). For V-Day one year, I got a DVD (I'm not a movie buff AT ALL). LOL I don't think he really tried at all.

[Roo]

I honestly think that some men are just not good at this kind of stuff. In fact, my husband hates shopping and I would prefer not to subject him to that because he is just sooo uncomfortable. I put myself in his place when I go somewhere like Home Depot. I am pretty self sufficient in a store like that, but I have encountered rude/sexist men working in there who have treated me like I am an idiot. Every time I go there I think, "Hmm. This must be the way Mr Roo feels if he has to go to Nordstrom to look for something for me..." I honestly don't mind either, because as I said before, I would hate to shop for me, I am sooo picky.

[redney]

For all the years my SO & I have been together we are upfront about gift-giving to each other for holidays. We ask each other specifically "what do you want for <insert holiday>?" We have also given each other cards with a multiple choice gift list inside for the recipient to pick. Sure, it's not "romantic" or whatever, but it works well for us because we both are happy to give a gift that the other person wants and will use/wear.

We also give each other surprise gifts too, but usually they are small and may not even be affiliated with a particular holiday or gift-giving occasion.

Funny thing too, now that I think about it, is this is how my whole family does gifts. We all have Amazon.com wishlists - so it makes it easy for my mom or brother to buy gifts for each other. None of us now live close by and I'd rather buy something for someone that I know they want vs. some random thing that gets donated.